Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Legion Lost #15

I have no idea what is going on in this picture because boobs.

This issue might be Wildfire's last appearance ever in The New 52 but I have a feeling he's going to be overshadowed by Dawnstar's Boobs. Literally! I guess I'm being insensitive since Dawnstar and Wildfire have been in a long, loving relationship. Although Dawnstar has been showing interest in Timber Wolf because penis.

But none of that relationship stuff is important right now! The fate of everyone in the one timeline that Nathaniel Adym cares about (his own!) is about to be destroyed by The Cosmic Butcher! What I want to see is someone from the future of the timeline where Nathaniel Adym is killed come back in time to save his timeline by making sure Nathaniel Adym dies! And then someone else from the future will show up because her timeline is in jeopardy and can only be saved if the guy who wants Nathaniel Adym dead is successful and then has sex with her so she can have a child in the past that will rise up against the evil Japanese toilet overlords of her future. Seriously, Nathaniel Adym, stop being so selfish! If there can only be one timeline, why are you so insistent that it's yours? It obviously will be yours no matter what you do since you're here. Except Tom DeFalco doesn't understand anything that doesn't come in a Pop Tarts Box.

Is anyone surprised at the way this comic began?

At least he's using an omniscient third person narrator. I suppose he wouldn't know what to do once it came time to focus on another character.

Tom DeFalco: "Should Timber Wolf narrate what he thinks the other guy is thinking? Should he narrate what he thinks the other guy thinks that Timber Wolf thinks he's thinking? I've seen Scott Lobdell do it with Roy Harper. Gosh, he's such a good writer. He has such amazing control over the story and narration. I should have never hired him! He's so much better than I am. But at least I'm still better than Grant Morrison and Scott Snyder. How does anyone understand what's going on in those comics without the constant use of Narration Boxes? Fools!"

The thing I thought was some city emerging from the Earth last issue turns out to be a World Killer Machine Bot. Perhaps it is The Cosmic Butcher built from raw materials yanked from the Earth by Daggor and his pet dragon. Unless Daggor is the dragon's pet. That was awful humanoid-centric of me. Captain Adym and Tyroc and Harvest and Timber Wolf and whoever else is there (some Ravagers, I think? Superboy?) begins tossing ideas around on how to destroy it. Tyroc tries yelling at it but it must be stronger than a mountain range because he can't defeat it. Timber Wolf scratches it and talks tough. That doesn't work. Captain Adym points out that this shouldn't be happening which doesn't convince the World Killer to give up. But then Gates comes through with a plan of his own!

Run away!

What Gates is trying to say here is, "Get Batman!" That's a pretty good plan. I've seen it work time and time again. Except he's a bit busy with his party. And Superman is a bit busy with H'el on Earth. And Wonder Woman is on a big date with Batwoman. Green Lantern is dead. The Flash is fighting Gorillas. I guess Aquaman and Cyborg aren't all that busy? No? Don't bother? Okay then! Legion is going to have to deal with this themselves!

I guess after Daggor and Thrax started the World Killer Machine's autobuild program, they took off for another planet. I think Daggor was simply there to determine if Earth was a good candidate to be unterraformed so that the Cosmic Butcher could turn it into a vacation home. Once they set up the World Killer, there work was done. I'm speculating on this because Wildfire and Psykill decide to go after Daggor and Thrax and have to fly to another solar system to defeat him.

I think everyone on Earth would appreciate their help with that fight since the World Killer is the immediate threat. But what do I know? I'm not a superhero.

Meanwhile, Superboy has lost his mind to Harvest's programming and his personality has improved measurably.

The uber-violence is so much more palatable than the existential dread he was constantly whinging on about.

Daggor's mechanical droids continue to attack while the World Killer continues to build itself while the heroes continue to randomly bump into each other for short conversations while not actually doing a whole lot. In one of these conversations, Warblade tells Ridge he's welcome to come home if he does a small favor for Harvest. Then the editor tells me to see future issues of The Ravagers for more information as if I have 24 hour access to a time machine. Hmm. I guess if I had any access to a time machine it would be 24 hour access. Because if I needed it right now but didn't have access to it, I would just wait until I had access to it and visit myself when I needed it and then I'd have access to it! Twenty four hour access.

I believe Ridge will not take up Warblade's offer (whatever it is) because he hates Harvest so much. But maybe the offer will be to betray Beast Boy which would get Beast Boy out of the picture so that Ridge could have Terra all to himself? Okay, he might do that! And since Harvest hates Beast Boy because he's the only person to ever thwart one of Harvest's plans, that really could be the possibility!
And then Daggor destroys Wildfire. Or at least rips his containment suit.

And apparently everyone in Arizona can simply look up and see the explosion in whatever solar system those planets and moon represent.

While Wildfire may have blown up in a double page spread, I doubt he's dead. Even if he doesn't return before this comic book ends its run, he's still easily alive. He's simply energy and the suit contains his energy. The explosion may confuse and dissipate him for awhile, but he'll be okay.

More importantly than Wildfire's pseudo-death, Daggor finishes one speech bubble in the other solar system and then instantly returns to Arizona.

I guess this makes sense since Legion Lost #13 established that his speed was 31,558,464,000 times faster than light.

Although his arrival does not explain how Wildfire's mask ended up in Dawnstar's hand so she could cry over it, Yorick style. I probably should have said Hamlet style but I wanted to type "Yorick."

Apparently the battle between Daggor and Wildfire happened in the sky above them and all those incorrectly drawn planets were some kind of visual metaphor. The comic book didn't say anything to make me think that. That's just me imposing my own beliefs on reality so that this comic book doesn't drive me insane. And it's working really hard to do just that, especially in this next panel where I think DeFalco just said, "Fuck it. This title is over anyway."

Did DeFalco and Lobdell obtain some sort of free pass to ignore Flashpoint?

Captain Adym has already broken the no time travel rule once to get into this comic book. Now he's going to try to break the rule again and change the timeline? But what about all the people living in the timeline where the World Killer begins to build itself? You're killing them all, you monster!

The other Legion members reject Captain Adym's stupid plan as well but for less logical reasons than mine. They're afraid his stunt will kill millions of Americans in the explosion and they won't be a part of that. But there's one person left who doesn't mind!

Yay! Last stand! I'm so excited!

Harvest once again knocks everyone out with one single blast. Except for Gates who is off considering skinning out of there and doing it to Captain Adym's time bubble. Of course he won't! He'll somehow come back to save the day. And by saving the day, it will look like Legion Lost died but they will really just end up back in the future because Tom DeFalco and his editors don't give five fucks about Flashpoint and the whole fucking reason behind this Reboot.

Legion Lost #15 Rating: -1 Ranking. I don't think anything actually happened in this issue with the excepting of Wildfire exploding. Everything else is exactly where it was at the end of Issue #14. And what was up with Lord Daggor and Wildfire fighting amongst a couple of strange planets but still being in the skies of Arizona?

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