Grifter #15

Is Deadshot a zombie? Is Grifter fucking spoiling the fact that Deadshot isn't actually dead? If he wasn't dead before, he is now because Deadshot is not bullet proof.

With Grifter's last issue having him face off against the Suicide Squad, I suddenly have a sinking feeling deep in the place where I'd have a soul if I believed in souls. Oh wait. That's my brain creating physiological reactions in my body based on the fear of Grifter becoming a member of the Suicide Squad when this series ends twenty crappy pages from now. At least the end of the world is coming for Grifter today. Let's all take a moment and rejoice in that.

Look at that idiot. Just look at that cover! This guy has no imagination. He's some kind of 12th Level Telekinetic but his Imagination Attribute peaked at 3 (probably out of 18 if we're going to be classical about attribute scores here). His big schtick is to simply fire more guns with his mind. Grifter, you're the greatest fucking genius in the world. If, you know, the world were composed of you, fungus, and hamsters.

Looking back at some of my commentaries on Grifter, I had a realization. A lot of people in this world don't understand the use of hyperbole in humor and I think a lot of those people have Tumblr accounts. I think I toned down some of my screaming rants because of Tumblr and that's a bad thing. But over the last week, I've gained about ten new followers and my followers have only dropped. And you know what? That's a good thing! It means I'm back on track. Trying to keep Tumblr followers is like apologizing to your cat. And I'm not going to do it!

I mean, I'm not going to try to keep my followers. I'm still going to apologize to my cat.

Here's the most recent example I can think of where I changed what I wanted to write because I was too aware of my readership. In my recent commentary of I, Vampire #14, I was writing in the voice of a fan obsessed with and crushing hard on Vampire Tig. So when I introduced the people getting ready to kill her, I wrote, "That dirty whore Bloody Mary and her bastard cunt arrogant prick friend “The Professor” have barged into haggy Deborah Dancer’s log cabin to try and kill my Tig!" The voice I was cultivating here really wanted to say, ". . . and her faggot friend 'The Professor' . . . ." So I switched it. I don't know. I guess the switch is better although now you see I equate the word "faggot" with "bastard cunt arrogant pricks." That was the best synonym I could come up with for the invective inherent in the use of the word while discarding any of the hate and bias that comes with it. Although some people would bristle at using "cunt" as well. So why the fuck do I fucking fuck care? I just need to be true to the voice I'm currently writing.

And my voice for writing about Grifter is rational, intelligent, and gently ribbing. So let me take a moment to get into character. Stretch my neck...good. Crack my knuckles. Okay. Sip of tea. All right! Ready!

Fucking Grifter, you're such a huge piece of shit that my dick gets hard thinking about how wet you make female coprophiles! Ah! It's good to be back!

God how I miss Rob Liefeld's art.

That's the first panel of the comic book. The washed out colors are strange and distracting but not as much as the eye sliding down the side of her face or the wax lips she's sucking on. The art doesn't get any better across the rest of the page. And when the writing begins, it actually makes the art look good.

Okay, it doesn't make it look that good. Although I'm noticing the colors look better and less washed out in my scans than in the actual comic.

Oh my god! THEY HAND OUT PAMPHLETS! AND EVERYTHING! Those pamphlets must be filled with really alarming shit! Look at the eyes bug out of Mr. Manly Legs Crossed! He's sitting next to the red haired woman with her foot up his pant leg that used to be a balding fat man. No, really! Look:

My favorite part is the one guy with dark black hair in the shaded group.

But that's okay because in the last panel of the page, Black Manly Legs Crossed turns into White Mister Deep Throat His Own Finger!

Or else they're just playing a game of musical chairs in-between panels.

Okay, so either they're shape-shifting aliens or these are all slides from different meetings. Hey, I can admit that I'm not a completely stupid asshole at times. These are obviously all shots of the woman the Suicide Squad needs to kill at different super-radical meetings where they read literature and listen to people give lectures. It's almost as bad as University.

But seriously? What the fuck is that guy doing to his finger?!

"Oh yeah! Take it, you bitch! Take it! You're such a filthy finger! Where have you been, you dirty whore? In my ear? Yeah! And scratching my scrotum too! Oh yeah! What about my asshole? Have you been near my asshole today? Mmmm, yeah. Mmmmmmm."

I'm beginning to feel a bit like Tristram Shandy at this point. I'm never getting off this first page! At least I'm not going to backslide and begin talking about the inside cover since I already mentioned that Onion advert in my commentary on Green Lantern. You know? The advert that uses the term "encyclopedophile." That's definitely a pedophilia joke, right? I guess Tristram Shandy wasn't as lewd as I am. Or at least he used language to hid his lewdness so that future readers would miss all of the dirty, naughty bits except when he talked about "really long noses." We still understand that euphemism!

This briefing took place six years ago. I guess that means it took place just before Amanda Waller joined Team 7 but time in The New 52 is kind of flexible, so I wouldn't wind any clocks based on that. All my fans of literature are smirking at me right now going, "Oh, jolly good one," while everyone else just wanted to keep reading and not be interrupted by this sentence where I point out my Tristram Shandy callback.

I think DC's editors want to think of time and continuity in their New 52 as fairly straightforward. But the main problem is that all the comics began at the same time except Justice League which began five years prior to the other comics. This set up a standard timeline for the New 52: heroes have been in the public eye for five years. There may have been some other odd peculiarities here and there but that was the general idea. But then a year of monthly comics go by and now all the timelines are different. Some comics had seven issues take place in a handful of days (Supergirl!) while others didn't (other comics book titles! (I'm really anal about getting my facts straight!)). So now when Grifter has a scene that says, "Six years ago," I don't really know what that means. I believe it means this was happening at the same time that Justice League was forming to fight Darkseid. One thing I do know though: this scene is taking place 18 pages before Grifter ends!

No wonder all the images were distorted! They should really upgrade to the Rob projector series. Although just think how gorgeous their briefings could be with a Diogenes model!

The speech bubble in the panel above is the briefer responding to Waller that the girl they want her to bring back safely isn't just anybody's daughter. In fact she isn't anyone's daughter at all!

Well, I guess she's still someone's daughter. But who is this mysterious Sombody Important? He's probably a powerful politician.

After this scene ends with Waller heading out to retrieve Mr. Important's niece, time shifts back to the present where Grifter is Narration Boxing like Mr. Nobodys Business and he's being pursued by the Suicide Squad. Hopefully they'll be playing the part of the Homicide Squad this issue. Please please please! It's my only Christmas Wish this year, Baby Jesus.

I get why Harley is chasing Grifter (although I don't get why she's hopping like a kangaroo) but why are Deadshot and El Diablo running? Shoot and/or burn his ass already!

See that little box at the bottom of the page? Here, let me make it easier to read.

But does it take place before the Squad's trip to central America as well?

If this takes place before the events of Death of the Family then what the hell is Deadshot doing out of his coffin? Apparently this takes place even before the Suicide Squad's little trip to Central America (unless it was South America) to battle Regulus since Deadshot died on that trip. That happened in the summer because I remember I was doing my commentary out in the backyard in the sunshine. But that would mean this was taking place while Voodoo was on Europa before she was helping Grifter. But she was just helping Grifter hack the Eye of the Storm which led to him teleporting into Belle Reve. Which means fuck you, DC editors! This is why you need to stop caring so much about continuity. Just let the writers fucking write shit. Except not this kind of shit. This kind of shit sucks and should be cancelled. So good work on the cancelling part of the job. You got one right!

I'll let the Squad chase Grifter around for awhile while I get back to the past and Waller's search for Sombody's niece. Amanda Waller is such an amazing agent that she tracks down this girl even though the girl changed her hair color from red to blonde.

She must have recognized her by the derpy eye sliding off the side of her face.

Back to the present! The Suicide Squad must be horribly out of shape because after that last panel where they were right on Grifter's heels, they lost him.

It's probably a good thing Iceberg's right hand is hidden since too many questions have already been raised about when this story could possibly take place if it's happening before Death of the Family.

Then the fight takes place. Remember how Grifter defeated Midnighter and Apollo and then nearly defeated Midnighter again? That was because those conflicts happened in the comic book with "Grifter" on the front cover. And since that hasn't changed, guess who handily beats the crap out of the Suicide Squad?

Why does she call him smiley? Is it an ironic nickname because his mask has no mouth? Why does she say "batter up"? That's a hammer, not a bat. Where did the hammer come from? She did compare her own vagina to a clown car in an early issue so that's a possibility.

Grifter uses his telekinesis to turn all of the Squad's attacks back on themselves. He does it while quoting Shakespeare too!

Malvolio says this to Olivia in "Twelfth Night."

Speaking of Twelfth Night, I can't decide if it's Shakespeare's funniest play or if I've just seen it so many times drunk during Shakespeare in the Park that it just seems like his funniest play.

Just as Grifter is mocking the Suicide Squad for not using teamwork, my hero arrives! Perhaps Baby Jesus answers Christmas Wishes after all! It's a Christmas Miracle! I believe in you, Baby Jesus! I believe! You are the Lord and Saviour who died on the cross to take away man's sins that he shouldn't have ever had in the first place if God wasn't so keen on always cursing the people who didn't do the wrong doing and since you're actually 1/3 part God, you died on the cross to save everyone from yourself so you know what? I don't think I want your manipulative Christmas Miracle after all!

No wait! I do want it! I do! Bite his fucking head off!

Although Marat tried to draw a shark last issue and it was fat and stupid. How is he going to draw King Shark?!

Not bad! THE END! Hallelujah!

Oh fuck me. I spoke to soon. I should have quit reading after that last panel!

Yeah, that's more what I expected him to look like.

I guess Grifter lived because of a telekinetic shield or something. That's the blue/white stuff that looks like sperm which I tried to make look like blood in the previous panel. Sorry for the deception. Grifter is actually okay. But he apparently forgets how to use his telekinesis once a shark has bit him in the abdomen because as he's lying on the ground in a pool of shark spit (or semen), the Suicide Squad defeats him with teamwork!

Also, footwork.

So that's how it ends with Grifter! He's nearly bitten in two by King Shark and then kicked into submission by the rest of the Squad. I guess feet are immune to telekinesis. So as Grifter fades away, his last thought is, "So much for me."

Oh. Um. Except I'm only 12 pages into this thing! Crap. I've been reading this stupid comic for over two hours! Can't Grifter just die already! I have a bad feeling he's going to join the Squad after he recovers from the severe kicking he received.

The Squad restrains Grifter with anti-TK restraints so that Amanda can interrogate him. Why don't they make all of their stuff out of anti-TK material? Amanda acts tough but how is Grifter supposed to take her serious when she interrogates him without any pants on?

This is as good wank material as the succubus from the original D&D Monster Manual!

Turns out Amanda doesn't really want to interrogate Cole Cash at all. She just wants to make him doubt his handler, Warick. It was Warick that was leading the cult that Amanda had to steal Sombody's niece away from six years ago. And he's not exactly as reliable a guy as Grifter allowed himself to believe. But I guess if a guy tells you you're the Chosen One enough times, you want to believe it.

How do you use the same picture for all three panels and fuck up the lips in the middle? Apparently I need to start reaming colorists as well as writers and artists!

Amanda then allows Grifter to leave and tells him anti-TK restraints don't actually exist. Oh yeah? Maybe you could develop them from the skin of every single one of Superboy's enemies.

And even though this issue was really bad, the worst part was yet to come:

It's not the last issue? Mother fucker.

Grifter #15 Rating: No change. Someone please tell me this comic book has actually been canceled and I just didn't get my hopes and dreams up. And for as bad as this comic book was, I just couldn't send it to Rank #52 simply because that would give The Savage Hawkman a +1 boost in the ratings. Fuck that!