Is Deadshot a zombie? Is Grifter fucking spoiling the fact that Deadshot isn't actually dead? If he wasn't dead before, he is now because Deadshot is not bullet proof.
Look at that idiot. Just look at that cover! This guy has no imagination. He's some kind of 12th Level Telekinetic but his Imagination Attribute peaked at 3 (probably out of 18 if we're going to be classical about attribute scores here). His big schtick is to simply fire more guns with his mind. Grifter, you're the greatest fucking genius in the world. If, you know, the world were composed of you, fungus, and hamsters.
Looking back at some of my commentaries on Grifter, I had a realization. A lot of people in this world don't understand the use of hyperbole in humor and I think a lot of those people have Tumblr accounts. I think I toned down some of my screaming rants because of Tumblr and that's a bad thing. But over the last week, I've gained about ten new followers and my followers have only dropped. And you know what? That's a good thing! It means I'm back on track. Trying to keep Tumblr followers is like apologizing to your cat. And I'm not going to do it!
I mean, I'm not going to try to keep my followers. I'm still going to apologize to my cat.
Here's the most recent example I can think of where I changed what I wanted to write because I was too aware of my readership. In my recent commentary of I, Vampire #14, I was writing in the voice of a fan obsessed with and crushing hard on Vampire Tig. So when I introduced the people getting ready to kill her, I wrote, "That dirty whore Bloody Mary and her bastard cunt arrogant prick friend “The Professor” have barged into haggy Deborah Dancer’s log cabin to try and kill my Tig!" The voice I was cultivating here really wanted to say, ". . . and her faggot friend 'The Professor' . . . ." So I switched it. I don't know. I guess the switch is better although now you see I equate the word "faggot" with "bastard cunt arrogant pricks." That was the best synonym I could come up with for the invective inherent in the use of the word while discarding any of the hate and bias that comes with it. Although some people would bristle at using "cunt" as well. So why the fuck do I fucking fuck care? I just need to be true to the voice I'm currently writing.
And my voice for writing about Grifter is rational, intelligent, and gently ribbing. So let me take a moment to get into character. Stretch my neck...good. Crack my knuckles. Okay. Sip of tea. All right! Ready!
Fucking Grifter, you're such a huge piece of shit that my dick gets hard thinking about how wet you make female coprophiles! Ah! It's good to be back!
God how I miss Rob Liefeld's art.
Okay, it doesn't make it look that good. Although I'm noticing the colors look better and less washed out in my scans than in the actual comic.
My favorite part is the one guy with dark black hair in the shaded group.
Or else they're just playing a game of musical chairs in-between panels.
But seriously? What the fuck is that guy doing to his finger?!
"Oh yeah! Take it, you bitch! Take it! You're such a filthy finger! Where have you been, you dirty whore? In my ear? Yeah! And scratching my scrotum too! Oh yeah! What about my asshole? Have you been near my asshole today? Mmmm, yeah. Mmmmmmm."
This briefing took place six years ago. I guess that means it took place just before Amanda Waller joined Team 7 but time in The New 52 is kind of flexible, so I wouldn't wind any clocks based on that. All my fans of literature are smirking at me right now going, "Oh, jolly good one," while everyone else just wanted to keep reading and not be interrupted by this sentence where I point out my Tristram Shandy callback.
I think DC's editors want to think of time and continuity in their New 52 as fairly straightforward. But the main problem is that all the comics began at the same time except Justice League which began five years prior to the other comics. This set up a standard timeline for the New 52: heroes have been in the public eye for five years. There may have been some other odd peculiarities here and there but that was the general idea. But then a year of monthly comics go by and now all the timelines are different. Some comics had seven issues take place in a handful of days (Supergirl!) while others didn't (other comics book titles! (I'm really anal about getting my facts straight!)). So now when Grifter has a scene that says, "Six years ago," I don't really know what that means. I believe it means this was happening at the same time that Justice League was forming to fight Darkseid. One thing I do know though: this scene is taking place 18 pages before Grifter ends!
No wonder all the images were distorted! They should really upgrade to the Rob projector series. Although just think how gorgeous their briefings could be with a Diogenes model!
Well, I guess she's still someone's daughter. But who is this mysterious Sombody Important? He's probably a powerful politician.
I get why Harley is chasing Grifter (although I don't get why she's hopping like a kangaroo) but why are Deadshot and El Diablo running? Shoot and/or burn his ass already!
But does it take place before the Squad's trip to central America as well?
I'll let the Squad chase Grifter around for awhile while I get back to the past and Waller's search for Sombody's niece. Amanda Waller is such an amazing agent that she tracks down this girl even though the girl changed her hair color from red to blonde.
She must have recognized her by the derpy eye sliding off the side of her face.
It's probably a good thing Iceberg's right hand is hidden since too many questions have already been raised about when this story could possibly take place if it's happening before Death of the Family.
Why does she call him smiley? Is it an ironic nickname because his mask has no mouth? Why does she say "batter up"? That's a hammer, not a bat. Where did the hammer come from? She did compare her own vagina to a clown car in an early issue so that's a possibility.
Malvolio says this to Olivia in "Twelfth Night."
Just as Grifter is mocking the Suicide Squad for not using teamwork, my hero arrives! Perhaps Baby Jesus answers Christmas Wishes after all! It's a Christmas Miracle! I believe in you, Baby Jesus! I believe! You are the Lord and Saviour who died on the cross to take away man's sins that he shouldn't have ever had in the first place if God wasn't so keen on always cursing the people who didn't do the wrong doing and since you're actually 1/3 part God, you died on the cross to save everyone from yourself so you know what? I don't think I want your manipulative Christmas Miracle after all!
No wait! I do want it! I do! Bite his fucking head off!
Not bad! THE END! Hallelujah!
Yeah, that's more what I expected him to look like.
Oh. Um. Except I'm only 12 pages into this thing! Crap. I've been reading this stupid comic for over two hours! Can't Grifter just die already! I have a bad feeling he's going to join the Squad after he recovers from the severe kicking he received.
The Squad restrains Grifter with anti-TK restraints so that Amanda can interrogate him. Why don't they make all of their stuff out of anti-TK material? Amanda acts tough but how is Grifter supposed to take her serious when she interrogates him without any pants on?
This is as good wank material as the succubus from the original D&D Monster Manual!
How do you use the same picture for all three panels and fuck up the lips in the middle? Apparently I need to start reaming colorists as well as writers and artists!
And even though this issue was really bad, the worst part was yet to come:
It's not the last issue? Mother fucker.