Green Lantern Corps #15

For Galactic Acts of Self-Love and Flagrant Use of His Own Penis.

Last issue, I realized the real motivation behind the Guardians of Oa's creation of the Third Army: to end masturbation. It's really fairly obvious once you realize what's going on. There was an Oan named Krona that wanted to know how the universe began. But the Oans believed that if any of them ever found out how the universe started, everything would be destroyed. But Krona didn't believe that nonsense. Who would have told the Oans this? How would anyone know a punishment would be handed down for figuring out how the universe began? It was absurd! Ridiculous! So Krona continued on with his experiments until he opened up a portal and witnessed the creation of the universe!

Krona witnessed a shadowy hand rhythmically pumping a shadowy penis until the entire universe shot forth in a fiery display of galaxy forming ejaculate! The Masturbater spied Krona through the portal and, embarrassed, cursed the Oan race to never again be able to masturbate. The Oans (being a race of only men) grew tense and frustrated without the release of masturbation. Their skin quickly turned bluish grey. To turn their attention away from their frustration, they began to pursue logic and philosophy. Their heads grew big and bulbous while their unneeded physical forms withered.

As the Oans observed the rest of the universe, they saw many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many acts of masturbation amongst all of the sentient races. It was more than they could bare. It must all be stopped, once and for all. So they created a race of Manhunters to punish men who masturbated. This worked out for awhile but the Oans, having been a race of males, didn't realize how often females masturbated as well. But the Manhunters only hunted men, so they needed a new plan. The Green Lantern Corps was their next attempt to end self-pleasure!

Green Lanterns were recruited by their willpower because those with the strongest willpower resisted the lure of masturbation the most successfully. They accepted males, females, and whatever other genders they discovered amongst the stars since their always seemed to be masturbaters no matter the gender.

For awhile, it seemed to be a success. But the Oans grew lax in their position of authority once they began fucking the Zamarons. Masturbaters began to infiltrate the Green Lantern Corps' ranks. And pretty soon, it was time for a new Corps that wasn't susceptible to the lures of self-love. The new attempt to end it all was The Third Army! This would turn every sentient being into one sentient being thereby leaving nobody to fantasize about and no reason to masturbate. But the Oans knew that idleness was the devil's penis, so they also created the Third Army without genitalia! Once the entire universe was transformed, masturbation would be a thing of the past. And the Oans would never again have to hear a distant "FAP" from some far corner of the universe.

So that's the history of the Guardians of the Universe and their reasons behind creating the Third Army. If you look up the Guardians on Wikipedia and it's different, just remember that Wikipedia is full of shit.

Looks like a bad case of chronic pocket pool. So the Guardians fired your sticky ass.

If I really documented everything I was doing while reading the Green Lantern Corps #15, I'd have to say this: eleven percent of Gail Simone's Twitter feed is about farts.

So Guy was kicked out of the Green Lantern Corps for too much masturbation. Ironic that now that he's not a Green Lantern, he just can't perform.

Poor little Guy!

Meanwhile John Stewart and Fatality bicker over John having destroyed Fatality's home planet. They're also trying to figure out what the tiny little piece of Mogo the Planet Green Lantern wants. Mogo has caught the attention of both a Green Lantern and a Star Sapphire which means whatever Mogo wants, it has to do with sex with and without a partner. What a paradox! A mystery! How could this be?!

Aha! When Mogo masturbates, Mogo also copulates!

Meanwhile Salaak is caught watching the Oans discuss ending all free will in the Universe. They're not very happy that he knows their plans but they're even less happy when they realize they've been letting a creature with four hands run security on Oa. Four hands! How could they have been so blind (not from THAT, of course!)? It only takes three hands to run all of the monitors! Just imagine what he was getting up to with that fourth hand! Disgusting!

Back in Baltimore, Guy Gardner can't accept not being a hero anymore. The same way that Hal Jordan felt the need to kick some ass when he lost his ring, Guy hits the streets of Baltimore to do the same thing. I think someone should look into the side effects of wearing a Green Lantern Ring. Seems the withdrawal symptoms are a lot like going cold turkey from Prozac: violent behavior and a death wish. Guy hunts around until he finds the most dangerous guys he can go up against, a homegrown terrorist organization with lots and lots of guns and missiles.

Too bad the people he beats up are undercover federal agents and Baltimore cops.

Whoops!

Green Lantern Corps #15 Rating: No change. Pretty much the only Third Army crossover stuff here was Salaak getting busted for spying on the Oans. This is the laziest crossover in the history of crossovers!