Thursday, December 27, 2012

Blue Beetle #15

Is Jamie Reyes going to get a bullet in his head too?

Young teenage super hero stud-nugget Jamie Reyes (unless his name is spelled differently. What the fuck do I care? It's not as easy to remember as Ted Kord. Do you remember that name? TED FUCKING KORD?! (Hey! Ted Kord rhymes with Max Lord!)) had recently found himself with less than stellar Spanish grades while spanning stellar grades far from home. The real draw of the comic, Brenda, wasn't even in the last issue which was a real disappointment for everybody, me especially. But Blue Beetle was on his way home with Sky Wanker hanging on the outside of the ship, so Brenda was sure to make an appearance soon.

Oh look! Here she is! Kind of. Where are the freckles? Sorry Scott McDaniel but Ig Guara's Brenda was much cuter. Although this one will do in a pinche.

Across the universe, Blue Beetle has just escaped Scarabworld, my favorite looking world in the entire DCnU which has just exploded. Now I need a new favorite world.

Speaking of new worlds, Jaime and his new friend, Moon Runner, land on one of Lady Styx's worlds on their way to Earth. Moon Runner's ship needs some modifications to make it that far and Jaime probably needs to have a battle with Lady Styx. Also, Sky Wanker's wrists need a break since he's been hanging on to the outside of Moon Runner's ship for two warp jumps now! I think that's a long time!

Inadvertent boners. Fornication via shaking hands. Sniffing farts for security clearance. Aztec alien lemon parties. Why isn't this comic book Teen Plus?

Moon Runner turns out to be some local criminal with a price on his head which causes a little bit of trouble. But not much since Jaime just flashes his Blue Beetle face and everyone pisses whatever article of clothing houses their alien genitalia. Unless aliens don't pee out of their reproductive organs in the weird way that humans do. Intelligent design through efficiency of space or disgusting mix-up on the Creator's part?

God: "Let's see. The most valuable thing my male creation produces shall emerge from this dangly bit I forgot to smooth off my clay model here between the legs. It shall be the seed from which all life shall spring! Also, let's just run waste water out of that thing too."

Although let me end the Intelligent Design argument right now. Nobody fucking designed man. Man was made in God's image. God is eternal. Therefore God did not design man. The design was always and is always. So, you know, tonsils and gall bladders and the most inefficient nails of any creature on the planet were all things that just existed forever and nobody designed them. Also the ability to digest food and breathe oxygen were things that always existed since mankind was made in God's image and he is eternal. Unless we're supposed to believe that God is just a shell and just the aesthetic of man is based on God's image. Also, since God has no reason to reproduce, Man can't be totally in God's image because why would God have a penis? Or a vagina? Or both? And why boobs? How did he come up with those? So kids, remember: evolution! If you don't believe in it, you just don't have the proper imagination to see how accurately it explains everything. You can also substitute "intelligence" for "imagination" but I didn't feel like pulling any punches. Yes, I believe imagination is greater than intelligence.

While Blue Beetle and Moon Runner are searching for a Faster Than Light Drive for the ship, Lady Styx is demanding Blue Beetle sign up for her favorite reality show, "The Hunted."

Seriously. She wants him for a reality show.

Moon Runner has betrayed Blue Beetle and led Lady Styx's Ebon Guard right to him. But they're not the only ones after Blue Beetle. Sky Wanker is still trying to merge with Blue Beetle's magic space scarab.

And now erotic cannibalization?

Lady Styx's Ebon Guard blast Sky Wanker out of a window and rescue Blue Beetle so he'll be unharmed when he makes his debut in "The Hunted!" next issue. Sky Wanker will just have to bide his time and return to infiltrate Blue Beetle's armored orifices when Blue Beetle gets a gig in a new monthly title. Possibly Red Hood and the Outlaws!

Blue Beetle #15 Rating: +1 Ranking. Scott McDaniel did a fine job with the art in this issue. It was cartoony in much the same way Ig Guara's art was which really fits this comic well. The only problem was he left the freckles off of Brenda and he didn't even attempt to draw one panel highlighting her ass. I laughed a couple of times this issue which is par for the course with Blue Beetle. It's one of the few fun and funny comics in The New 52 and I'll be really disappointed to see it go.

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