G.I. Combat #7

How did Jeb Stuart and his horse both come to haunt a tank?

Last issue, I realized that the old Haunted Tank stories looked really fun and interesting, at least in comparison to the Tank running over Afghan soldiers and karate kicking Detroit cops (well, that was kind of exciting). And now I'm wondering how the tank became haunted? Well never fear! My mom finally did something right and brought up my 1985 Who's Who comic books! Let's take a look at The Haunted Tank's entry!

Here's The Haunted Tank on the back cover of Who's Who Volume X. Who else can you name? This issue is brought to you by the letter H.

If you don't want to strain your eyes reading the text, here are a couple of pertinent and ridiculous bits: ". . . the spirit of Alexander the Great assigned the ghost of General Stuart to act as the guardian of the Stuart M3 tank commanded by the general's namesake, Sgt. Jeb Stuart, in North Africa. General Stuart was outraged, since Sgt. Stuart and his crew were all Northerners. However, the general was greatly impressed watching Sgt. Stuart and his men in battle. Finally, Sgt. Stuart, who could see the general's ghost, won him over by flying a Confederate flag on his tank . . . ."

So when is the Confederate Flag going to get placed back on the tank, hmm? Wouldn't want to upset the ghost of General Stuart, would we? Maybe they could install a fucking cotton gin on the back while they're at it. Notice that the Haunted Tank's first appearance was in G.I. Combat #87? I have a feeling modern comic book writers just don't know how to tell a modern war story and make it fun for comic books. Nobody wants to read serious war stories, especially when they're all about the same fucking thing: young, brave Americans fighting back the evil terrorists. Or should I say young Americans hoodwinked by imperialist propaganda to kill brown people on foreign soil for capitalist interests and the illusion of keeping people free. Oh, the good old days when a Haunted Tank could fly a racist flag and fight mystic Nazi armies while losing most of its crew every few issues.

I guess I need to stop living in the past even though in the past they were apparently still living in the past. At least this new Haunted Tank is finally facing off against a crazy Nazi weapon: The War Wheel!

I'm pretty sure I could defeat the War Wheel with one well placed brick.

The Stuarts come up with a plan to defeat the War Wheel with a single haunted tank: abandon the tank! The young Stuart runs across the snow and ice while dodging thousands of rounds of ammunition and jumps harmlessly up on the front of the War Wheel like he was a tramp stumbling into an open freight car. I guess he snuck up on the Wheel from the back as it barreled across the snow or else he would have hopped on and instantly been crushed. Luckily, he climbs aboard and it apparently rotates slowly enough for him to climb to the top of it and find an unlocked hatch so he can slip in and defeat it from the inside. Meanwhile, the Haunted Tank shows it's proficient in Greco-Roman wrestling as well as martial arts.

The South will rise again!

After pinning the War Wheel with the Haunted Tank, old man Stuart manages to enter the War Wheel as well. The War Wheel's insides must exist in an alternate dimension or maintains its own gravity since young Stuart doesn't seem hampered by Wheel suddenly falling flat. Inside, they find the Wheel is hooked up directly to The Desert Fox Rommel's brain. His ancestor tells his plan in German so it's lost on young Stuart. Boring story short, everyone is mortally wounded except for young Stuart. He carries his grandpa back to the Haunted Tank.

Later at Old Man Stuart's funeral, Colonel Steve Trevor makes some small talk with Young Man Stuart and his connection to the Haunted Tank. Trevor drops the name "A.R.G.U.S." to see if the kid is interested in becoming a really stupid super hero with a wrestling tank that knows karate. But he seems to just want to live his life. Besides, his comic book has been cancelled.

"Forgive me for committing treason but Colonel Steve Trevor said it was okay!"

The Unknown Soldier story finishes with him killing everyone.

G.I. Combat #7 Rating: Does it even matter? DC already cancelled his fucking title when it was Men of War! And now they've cancelled it again. Big surprise. The actual biggest surprise of this comic book was The Unknown Soldier story! It was simply the plot changing from one potential disaster to another potential disaster with the Unknown Soldier killing every single person he met along the way. Eventually he met the people at the heart of all of the problems and killed them too. This book was generally horrible.

You know what? It does matter! -4 Ranking!