Green Arrow #15

Someday, Green Arrow is going to encounter somebody who is as good a shot with a gun as he is with an arrow. Please let that day be today!

I remember it so clearly still, that first day I encountered Ann Nocenti writing Green Arrow. I thought it was going to be interesting to see how a female writer writes a male character. At first, Green Arrow sounded like he was spouting poetry writing by an angsty teenaged girl. It didn't sound like an angsty teenaged boy's poetry because it wasn't about a girl not wanting to touch his wiener. I forget what the poetry was. But it was the beginning of her King Lear arc, so it was fitting that it sounded like he was giving a soliloquy. I remember liking some things she was doing but I don't remember what any of those things were.

But that was a long time ago and those memories have been buried under a load of some of the worst writing in The New 52. But the reason I bring this up is because Nocenti is beginning a new story and there's a chance it could be interesting! She has had a few story ideas I liked but I felt they were handled amateurishly. Maybe she saved her best story for last! Although writers usually turn in their worst work when they know they won't be on a book for much longer and Lemire is coming in to clean up this mess. So while I'm not thrilled about reading walrus magnetic poetry, I'm going to try to go in with an open mind.

Now is the part where I usually scan in the first page of the comic and it's really, really awful and I sigh and I give up trying to like Nocenti's writing immediately. But instead, I just plow through a couple of pages to let the story sink in before I comment.

And then he sets himself up with lines like this!

As you can see, Green Arrow is fighting fishermen and dogs. He's also fighting a really bad headache because he seems to have received a concussion during his fight with the Warhawks. At least that's the conclusion Ollie has come to but how can he be trusted? He's got a concussion!

Green Arrow also just dumped a shitload of assault weapons into the bay. The owner, a one-eyed guy named Harrow, isn't exactly thrilled with this. That's his dog in the scan. He's also hanging out with a street tough kid named Pike. Green Arrow is not exactly shaking in his knee high boots. But what did I tell you? Ann Nocenti isn't going to waste her best material on a book she knows she's not writing much longer. So she pits Green Arrow against Harrow and Pike and their dog.

While the truly evil and despicable bad guys are confronting Green Arrow for ruining their brilliant crime spree, a Seattelite twirling a baton asks him if he's going to be in the "Sea Day Parade" the next day.

Please. This is Seattle! She'd be twirling fire not a baton!

With the threat of an instant hit having been placed on Green Arrow's head, he runs for his life! The baton twirler reminds him his head is bleeding and Green Arrow has a flashback to how it happened. But he's got a concussion so his Narration Boxes aren't quite up to snuff. Here! Let me transcribe them for you!

I remember--we attacked the Warhawks...

I didn't see one behind me...

He whacked my head...

I shook it off. But now, it hurts...

So across seven pages, Green Arrow has mentioned how his head hurts three different times. Plus the woman reminded him that his melon was cracked. I'm beginning to suspect something might be wrong with Green Arrow's head!

Then Green Arrow is falling! He's falling literally. He's falling figuratively! The kid see's he's falling because Green Arrow's head hurts. His head hurts which makes him fall figuratively. His head hurts which makes him fall literally. Then he fell! The kid saw him fall! Green Arrow's hurt head made him fall!

Oh! OH! Maybe Green Arrow is going to ignore his concussion for the next two issues and then fall into a coma! When he awakens, he'll be ready to begin his new life as a fun and well-written super hero in issue #17!

Even when all of Green Arrow's lackeys tell him he's got a serious head injury and he's probably going to die, he ignores them to go after Harrow. And they just let him go because why not let the guy with the head injury decide what's best for the guy with the head injury!

Back at Harrow's hideout, his fishermen lackeys are involved in "deep Freudian psychobabble," according to the sexy woman that sexily smears smelly fish ice all over her face when she arrives.

I believe "wicked hate on" and "played tic-tac-toe on that fat guy's butt" are stereotypically Freudian conceits.

Oh, and here's Gloria sexifying herself up with ice from the fish bucket.

The way her right arm snaps into her shoulder for added articulation is so fucking hot!

Gloria is getting all dolled up to enjoy the night's entertainment: Pike, the street tough, is fighting Jaws, the dog! And Green Arrow finds out where the fight is happening by stepping outside for one second because the hit on his head (not that hit! The other hit!) has caused everybody in Seattle with a gun to immediately try to kill him as soon as he shows his face. But Green Arrow turns the tables on the gangster and is soon headed to the dog fight.

My mistake! It's not a dog fight at all!

Green Arrow crashes the weird fucking party. He strings up Harrow while Pike decides he might possibly like women better than dogs and skins out with Gloria. The other people their to watch the Dog Show go after Green Arrow because they could really use the money for hitting Green Arrow's hurt head.

I'm really falling into a lazy pattern of ending all of my commentaries with a scan of the final page of the comic. I'm the exact opposite of all the other online reviews! They'll never reveal the final page but my whole write-up depends upon it!

Green Arrow #15 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm declaring right now that this was the best issue of Green Arrow to date! Not the best issue to take to dinner and hope you get lucky with it. The best issue so far! Believe me or don't believe me, what the fuck do I care? But, no, seriously. Why wouldn't you believe me? Haven't we developed a trust between us? I write shitty reviews that don't actually review the comics and, more often than not, mislead you, the reader, into believing the comic was about something it wasn't at all? Like a Dog Sex Show? We got a thing going here, right? I mean, if you're not going to trust me at this late stage of the game, what are we doing here? Maybe we should just call it quits? I guess this relationship is like a turd that just won't fucking flush.
Oh, um, never mind all that. The reason this is the best Green Arrow so far is because it wasn't trying to be something it's not. Nocenti wasn't trying to over-intellectualize the story. Green Arrow wasn't acting out of character and doing weird shit that no super hero has ever done before. He was just acting his conscience by getting rid of a load of guns and then dealing with the aftermath of his impulsive decision. Plus his head hurts! Boy, I hope it's a stroke!