I, Vampire #14

This comic book used to have my favorite covers. They've gone a little bit downhill.

Last issue there was a cute little female vampire named Tig and an angry super vampire composed of every other vampire ever named Andrew Bennett and a half-vampire wood chopper named Deborah Dancer and an ex-vampire bad-ass named Bloody Mary and they were all in some kind of a Mexican Vampire Standoff.

Did I mention how cute Tig had become as a vampire? Am I getting young girl teeny-bopper vampire-love feelings for a comic book character? Is this how the obsession begins? No, no it isn't. Just thinking about these relationships between young mortal women and ancient vampires brings the bile to the top of the throat. Haven't any of these vampires read Lolita? Don't get me wrong! I don't think there's anything wrong with an 1800 year old vampire having sex with an 18 year old mortal. That's just nature! My problem is believing that an 1800 year old vampire would want to do anything else with an 18 year old! They must have the worst conversations ever. Neither one gets any of the other one's references. The mortal has a handful of funny stories that are exhausted in a few dates while the immortal won't fucking shut up about the Old World. Where exactly is the upside to the fantasy? And does the eventual, horrible, awful downside of the "relationship" ever come through? I think reading Twilight should evoke the same creepy, crawly, disgusting, out-of-control feeling that Lolita evokes. I think every copy of Twilight sold should have to be packaged with a copy of Lolita. Take that, inappropriate lovers!

At least Let the Right One In gets the manipulation right. Now that's the Lolita of vampire movies!
I'm going to shut up now! Where is my darling Tig?!

Oh Tig! The things I'd do to you! I'd make you feel so awkward and uncomfortable as I piss myself and fall into a ball mumbling, "Don't kill me! Don't kill me!" Sweet, sweet Tig!

That dirty whore Bloody Mary and her bastard cunt arrogant prick friend "The Professor" have barged into haggy Deborah Dancer's log cabin to try and kill my Tig! Oh, and Andrew Bennett. But who the fuck cares about that drag queen? Except that if he dies, that might kill Tig. So stay away from Andew too, you wanna-be vampire hunting shitstains! This comic book isn't about goody two shoes Mary and her eunuch John. This comic isn't about the good guys anymore. Although if Tig hadn't turned into a vampire, I probably wouldn't care who this comic book was about. Human Tig just didn't do it for me. But vampire Tig! Wow! She's just so...what are you doing? NO! Get away from her, you sluts!

It'll be okay. It'll be okay! She's okay, right? LOVER!

Andrew and Tig survive the conflagration without much harm. That's too bad because I'm pretty sure reading about Tig being near death and needing to be nursed back to health would really fire my imagination in a suitably erotic and ultimately masturbatory way. Having sex with a vampire is kind of like masturbation, right? About 1/3 masturbation, 1/3 necrophilia, and 1/3 pure terror! I once had a dream that I was fucking a vampire and I was holding her down against the ground as the sun was rising and the light was creeping closer and closer to her head. She turned to ash as I was still having sex with her. What the hell does that dream mean? It's pretty fucking violent. Maybe that dream means that I'm man enough for Tig! I bet she would have sparkly eyes for me if I told her that dream!

The fucking do-gooder duo and Deboarah Dancer run into the woods and away from the burning vampires. But they leave Deb's dog Mishkin to become Andrew and Tig's new traveling companion.

That's Andrew's dog. I hope Tig gets a cat.

Andrew, Tig, and Mishkin hunt down a hunter for dinner. I think that's some kind of commentary on something or other. Maybe it's just irony. Or funny! Whatever it is, it results in a cute picture of Tig eating her supper.

Falling in love with a vampire character makes me feel so young and vibrant and succulent!

What is it about male vampire characters that get their female fans in such a tizzy? I bet Anne Rice is kicking herself for making Louis and Lestat so gay. Just think of how many more millions of books she could have sold if they weren't so sexually ambiguous! By the time Tale of the Body Thief came around, Lestat was practically only into lemon parties! Is there something exciting about an elegant stranger biting you in the neck? Or does the excitement only come from the knowledge that the elegant stranger only wants to bite you in the neck and no other voluptuous trollops just above their heaving cleavage? I don't care who Tig bites as long as I get to look at her bite them seductively and maybe a little bit naked. I don't mean the victim should be a little bit naked! I mean Tig should be a little bit naked! Maybe just in her underwear with one side of her panties riding up her ass and one bra strap hanging down off of her shoulder so that the cup on one side of her bra is loose and you can almost catch tantalizing glimpses of that one boob's nipple as the cup shifts and slides. Um, the victim can also be naked too though. I don't care. It can even be a man. Especially if we're all in college!

I guess I should discuss the loser half of this comic book for awhile now. Bitchy Mary and less-than-manly Professor John are trying to convince Deborah Dancer to come to London with them. They have a stupid plan that's not even half-assed. It's more like two-fifth-assed. They need to track down Andrew's sire (can't! He's dead!) or maybe just find where Andrew was sired and recreate the moment. I don't know how this is going to change Andrew back but that's okay because they don't either. They're just basing it all on a hunch. They need Deborah because Deborah knows more about Andrew than all of them combined.

This is surprisingly insightful of Mary who has shown herself to be nothing more than a narcissistic shrew up until this point. A lot of non-previously-vampire people could improve a lot of relationships by learning this fucking lesson. Do you love the person the person is or the person you want the person to be?

While these assholes are off on their fool's errand, Andrew and Tig visit the punk bar Oblivion in New York City (as seen in Justice League Dark #0 -- Read 'em All Tess!). This calls for a couple of scans of my honeybuns.

Oh yes please do! Send her to the House of Secrets where my last comic book crush lived! Vampire Tig and Rain would make excellent BFFs!

Tig enters the club while Andrew waits outside and she begins hitting on some piece of crap magician at the bar. Ugh. He's such an ugly dildo! What does she see in him?! Why would she do this to me? Why is she taking him outside and into the back alley? Tig, please stop this nonsense. Get away from my girl!

Dammit! This is the way things ended between me and Rain! Some skanky, poorly-written douchebag with low self-esteem and great hair drives a wedge between me and my crush!

Turns out Tig doesn't really want to fuck this guy. Whew. I knew she wouldn't betray our love. She just lured him out into the alley so Andrew Bennett could proposition him. I mean offer him a job. I mean offer him a military job! This guy supposedly has more natural magic power than that twat John Constantine whose comic book can't even make it to issue #301. Ha ha! Loser! Bennett is looking for powerful people to turn into vampires to become his generals in the war against mankind. This warlock is the first member of an unstoppable army he's creating. And Tig seems to be the recruiter.

Look at the way she bites him! I would bleed so hard for her!

I, Vampire #14 Rating: +1 Ranking. Damn, I'm really enjoying this book. I'm back off the Vampire Wagon! Although when I declared I was never going to partake of any other Vampire thing a year and a half ago, I broke that promise immediately by going to see Concrete Blonde in their 20th Anniversary Bloodletting Concert. That was pretty vampiric. I have a feeling that Andrew Bennett is going to build this big, bad vampire army just to end up transforming back into his good self. And then his good self is going to have to battle Tig and this Super Vampire Army he's created. Serves him right. Also, I hope that happens and Tig kicks his ass.