Monday, December 17, 2012

Earth 2 #7

Hawkgirl really wants Alan to join her Society of Justice.

I wonder if the people of Earth 2 are constantly teased because they live on Earth Poop! That's because a Number Two is a Bowel Movement. I probably didn't need to explain that to anybody. That's like one of the first things toddlers learn after yelling "NO!" and slapping people in the face.

Speaking of bowel movements, I have a story that relates to both pooping and comic books! Remember in Pulp Fiction how John Travolta's character kept missing major moments in the movie because he was off taking a crap? He even ends up dying because he was in the bathroom missing out on life. My cousin used to refuse to go to the bathroom until he was nearly pissing himself when we were kids because he didn't want to miss out on any of the fun by being in the bathroom. So when Pulp Fiction came out, all I could think about was my cousin. But we need to use the toilet so much, my guess is that everybody's life is changed at one moment or another simply because they were in the bathroom. My moment was that I missed getting a job at a comic book store when I was in college at San Jose State. I was, um, making a Number Two when the comic shop called me back for the job. They left a message on the phone but when I was finally able to get back to them, nobody answered. By the time I did reach them, the job was filled.

I have a feeling this moment was actually a good one to miss. I would have been making minimum wage at a store that was half sports collectibles anyway. Working there, I wouldn't have been available when my friend Mike set me up with a job at his office installation company and I never would have ended up managing a warehouse on the Netscape Campus and saving a shit ton of money so I could travel cross country in my VW Bus and travel around Asia. So fuck you, comic book store that simply had to call me while I was pooping! I'm glad I missed that opportunity!

After that introduction to Earth 2, I'm expecting this comic to be shitty.

The Heroes of Earth 2 are much smarter than those idiots over on Earth New 52. I don't know what Earth the main Earth is because DC has been putting out those Earth 1 comic books and those certainly don't take place on the Earth of the New 52!

I wonder if Etrigan poops? I don't think Superman or Supergirl need to poop unless they eat. So Superman probably poos all of the time because he's trying to live a normal human life as Clark Kent. I wonder if his poops are super dense? Can Earth plumbing even handle them? Maybe they can be used as fuel like Nibbler's poops on Futurama! What about The Flash? Can he poo really fast? I bet because his system is so sped up, when he needs to pee or poo, he probably only has seconds before getting to the bathroom! I wonder if Hawkgirl ever flies up really high and just drops one over the city?

Technically, you do "do team." You're the CEO of Global Broadcasting. The entire company is your "team." You couldn't do it without them. Jerk!

Alan Scott was so angry about Sam's death, he trashed his apartment before the comic book began. Hawkgirl noticed so when Alan won't join the team, she pisses him off even more and flies away. That must be why they fight! Because Kendra is being a total hawkbitch by shooting a crossbow bolt into a picture of Sam and Alan.

Meanwhile, the world's smartest man, Terry Sloan, has been made head of the World Science Directive. This has pissed off Amar Khan who is head of the World Army or something like that. Amar thinks Sloan is a psychopath and an asshole and an arrogant bastard, so he's keeping a whole lot of eyes on him. I don't know who Amar Khan is but he's probably someone from the Justice Society. Maybe he's a new Doctor Fate. Whoever he is, he's sent Wesley Dowd and his Sandmen to check out one of Terry Sloan's secret bases. Maybe they'll find Mister Terrific.

Even on Earth 2, you can't have Paris without the Eiffel Tower.

Oh look. They found Mister Terrific!

Mister Terrific's balls have definitely seen better days.

Mister Terrific seems to be under mind control by Sloan. The Sandmen put him to sleep and taken him prisoner. Is Mister Terrific ever going to appear in an issue of Earth 2 where he doesn't get his ass kicked, get knocked unconscious, and then get taken prisoner? I think he's probably way down around the sixteenth smartest person now.

Some more bickering and arguing finishes out the issue. But more importantly, an unfinished female Red Tornado promises to be up and running soon. It was began by Amar Khan and his team but they've had trouble with it so Terry Sloan and his techs are going to fix her up. That means Red Tornado will probably be made to do horrible things for Sloan but it will retain whatever sense of right and justice Amar Khan instilled in it. You know? Just like the original Red Tornado created by T.O. Morrow!

Earth 2 #7 Rating: +2 Ranking. Alan Scott and Kendra Munoz-Saunders never fight in the sky like the cover depicted. But that's a good thing! Who needs more heroes battling each other? I enjoyed the pacing of this issue. A lot of people trying to outmaneuver a lot of other people and a half-finished female robot and lots and lots of pooping.

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