Green Lantern #15

On the outside cover, a serious statement about racism and profiling.

And on the inside cover, The Onion makes a pedophilia joke for their new book!

Simon Baz (you know, the new Green Lantern that everyone wants to arrest for probably racist reasons) is back home in Dearborn, Michigan to try and prove he's innocent of trying to blow up a lot of people (oh yeah! That's the reason they want to arrest him). Last issue the Justice League tried to find out who he was and whether or not he was a terrorist. But like every other fucking time any super hero tries to find out anything, a fight breaks out. I'm almost willing to give up reading comic books merely on that basis alone. Nobody can fucking have a conversation in these things. I suppose it's because they're all so scared of everyone else, their paranoia causes them to lash out trying to get the first blow. And maybe they're just a reflection of society, right? How many people are killed by scared police every fucking day because the cops "thought they saw a weapon" or "felt threatened"? And the fucking justice system always excuses their actions. Every fucking time. "Oh, well if a trained police officer felt scared, he must have really been in danger!" How about training people with weapons who are supposed to be protecting innocents how to not panic? Yes, you've put your life on the line for your career choice. But that was your fucking choice!

I think I got off track here. Non-rantly put, what I'd like to see are more situations where talking happens when talking is called for. Every single super hero abuses their powers in these goddamned comic books. You know what really set me off? It was less the punching and more the Justice League standing on an innocent person's smashed car while they were trying to get the truth from Green Lantern. Why the fuck are you standing on that car, Batman?! Jesus, you asshole billionaire. To most people, cars are not disposable!

Speaking of the Justice League, since they failed to catch Green Lantern last issue, they've given up on finding him this issue.

Batman: "We should find out if that new Green Lantern is a bad guy!"
Aquaman: "Maybe we should go ask him some question?"
Superman: "Batman's right. Let's go ask him some questions!"
Wonder Woman: "My lasso will get the truth from him!"
Aquaman: "I hear he might be a terrorist."
Cyborg: "My computer files say he's a wanted terrorist."
The Flash: "Yeah, but if he gets away before we find out if he's a bad guy, can we just throw in the towel? Chasing people is hard."
Batman: "Oh yeah. Definitely!"
Aquaman: "All right then! Let's head out!"
Superman: "Okay Justice League! Let's go!"
Aquaman: "Suck my fucking fish stick, you assholes."

The Justice League might give up easily because their crossover cameo is over but the federal agents after Simon Baz don't have that option! They've been assigned to this comic book and they're stuck with it.

Ahem. Excuse me. He escaped the motherfucking Batman.

Meanwhile, Simon Baz goes to ask the owner of the van full of explosives some questions.

Simon Baz: "Yeah, I stole your van but the explosives were already in it. Someone else put them there! Where did you last park the van? Maybe we can figure out who really put the bomb in it!"
Owner of the Van: "Eat lead, you fucking racist term for someone who practices the religion of Islam and steals vans!"

So the meeting goes nearly as planned with Simon Baz finding the person who put the bomb in the van. It just happened to be the guy who owned the van. Detective work is easy! There's just one problem.

That seems like a major flaw in Green Lantern recruitment. Shouldn't the battery and an instruction manual be handed out as well?

Meanwhile in black and white and gray world, Hal Jordan and Sinestro learn that they're dead from the guy in the hoodie. He claims to be Sinestro's enemy and Hal Jordan's friend. I'm not much of a Green Lantern scholar but it seems that's a bit of a vague clue even for someone loves Green Lantern.
Back in Dearborn, Simon Baz is saved by Agent Fed. This is the second person doing better detective work than Batman in this story line! I guess Batman just didn't give a shit about catching this guy. The real terrorist (the white guy. Duh! We're making statements here and shit!) and the federal agent end up pointing their guns at each other and speaking instead of shooting first. But that doesn't matter much since a bunch of Borg Lanterns crash the party and turn the bomber into one of them. Baz and Fed end up hiding in the basement. Perhaps now Batman will lead the Justice League here with his great detective work and he'll save them all. Or maybe Baz will find a Green Lantern power battery in the basement. I think the only other possibility is that the Borg Lanterns immediately break through the basement door the way they just broke through the side of the house.

Except the basement door is reinforced steel. This actually stalls the Borg Lanterns for a minute or so because they apparently want to use a door this time instead of simply crashing through another floor or wall. In the basement are bombs and guns and plans for general chaos and destruction. The agent sets the bombs to explode and Baz and Fed get the hell out.

Through the non-reinforced, wooden, unlocked cellar doors leading to outside.

Baz and Fed are caught up in the explosion as they dive for cover but are mysteriously protected by Green Lantern light! Could it be Baz's ring had enough energy for instinctive protection? Perhaps he pulled out the last vestiges of his immutable will! Did that last sentence even make sense? Or maybe they were saved by a magic talking squirrel!

Yeah. It was that last one. I guess B'dg replaced Ch'p after he became cosmic roadkill.

That last line was a joke and then I looked up Ch'p on Wikipedia to see what really happened to him. "A yellow tractor-trailer hits and kills Ch'p." That's just fucked up, guys.

B'dg is here to warn Green Lantern that the Guardians have gone nuts. That's a squirrel joke! Hopefully B'dg can teach Simon Baz about the proper usage of his Green Lantern Ring.

Also revealed is the identity of the First Lantern: Volthoom. This is probably not a surprise to anybody for three reasons. One, Volthoom has always been the First Lantern, so people that know Green Lantern Lore already knew this. Two, Volthoom is a brand new character so nobody knows anything about him anyway. Three, someone like me that hasn't been following Green Lantern for the last ten years has no idea if it's possibility one or possibility two anyway.

Green Lantern #15 Rating: No change. Not enough was revealed in this issue for my tastes. But at least somebody out there now knows that Simon Baz, the new Green Lantern, is not a terrorist. So the Justice League can be called off. Oh wait. They already simply gave up. Assholes.