Friday, December 21, 2012

Batgirl #15

I take it she accepted the proposal. Weird.

Dear New Diary,

Can this week get any worse? I'm completely freaking out right now about what just happened out in Arkham! And then I finally drag my beautiful butt into bed and Miss Stephanie my brown diary is ruined! Somebody shoved it in the toilet and crapped all over it. Then they wrote "Ah ha ha ha ha!" on the bathroom mirror in pink lipstick. Fripping whackos! Somebody tell me why I put up with Gotham? Diary? Do you know?

Where do I begin?! How about when the Joker (YES! THE FRIPPIN' JOKER!) proposed to me at Skate World with my mother's wedding ring still wrapped around her bloody finger? That seems like a pretty romantic place to begin, right Diary? Hmm. You need a name. How about Julie my new marvelous diary? Good? Okay! Let's get this shitty story started (pardon my language, Julie, but I just had a really rough night).

I don't think Batman plans on saving this maniac! Just not killing him.

The Joker expected me to say yes to his proposal. But why would I?! He's not hot. He doesn't have a steady job. His car probably has a big stupid clown face on the front. He's never even taken me out to dinner. Do I even have to mention that he just cut one of my mom's fingers off? Why in the world would I say yes to this maniac, Diary? Why?!

Gail Simone, are you flirting with me (me being me not me being Batgirl!)? At the start of this Death of the Family crossover in my commentary on Batman #13, I wrote: "News travels fast around the Bat-Family. It’s like a long lost uncle who would ruin every family gathering has suddenly returned for the next reunion and everybody is freaking out about what he’s going to do to the potato salad. And it doesn’t take long before everybody loses their appetites." My tweet linking to this commentary said, "The Joker is back. And as soon as he gets his face on, Batman better hide the potato salad." And now Simone has The Joker refer to Batgirl as "his special potato salad"? That's just too fucking fitting.

Well, one reason I might say yes was because he had a gun to my mother's head. But I wasn't going to mean it! I only said yes to buy some time, so I could save my mother! But even though I didn't mean it, it still feels like a moment in my life as been ruined. I dreamed of the moment the man I loved would ask me to marry him and I would say, "Yes, Dick, yes! Of course I'll marry you!" But now when that happens, the moment will be tarnished by the fact that I've already been asked once in my life and I accepted. The Joker was going to frippin' pay for that!

So I jumped him. Yeah, that's right, Diary! I kicked his ass! I guessed that whoever was in charge of blowing the nail bomb under my mom's seat wouldn't do it with their boss in such close proximity. So I beat the, excuse my Parisian accent, fucking shit out of his clown painted ass.

Batgirl has some punchlines of her own! Bwa ha ha ha!

I almost did it, Diary. I almost crippled that bastard. And he laughed. He laughed the whole way through. I didn't know people could guffaw through blood and broken teeth but that bastard was doing it. You see, he had snipers watching the rink. I didn't care. I would have shot him anyway if my mom hadn't been out there as well. Instead, I submit. I take the address he hands me and I go on the errand he wants me to run. It looked like I was engaged.

The Joker would let my mom go if I followed his instructions, so to buy more time, I followed. I ended up at an old condemned church full of his thugs and on scared priest being forced to conduct the ceremony.

I've been to worse weddings.

Little did I know at the time, the cavalry was on its way. Believe it or not, the cavalry was my favorite girl, Alysia, and my brother James, that rat bastard I soon realized had sent me to the ice rink. And I think shit on my old diary! FUCK!

Batgirl #15 Rating: +1 Ranking. Batgirl kicking the Joker's ass was actually more satisfying than I expected.

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