Sunday, December 30, 2012

Supergirl #15

And now H'el's chest is scarred again.

H'el has nearly killed Superboy. He's beaten Superman even though Superman can lift six times the Earth's weight and fly faster than a speeding bullet and leap and shit. Supergirl has fallen for H'el's pale charms and shaved upper pubic area. So she's going to help reestablish Krypton 27 years after it blew up. Sounds like a fairly easy task!

This issue begins in a flashback as comic books are wont to do. Kara is flying around with her best friend in a flying car because Krypton apparently keeps its promises about the awesomeness of the future.

Oh what luck! Supergirl's best friend is still alive. If she survives this crash, of course.

If Kara only knew that Tali was alive and well and much, much smaller! Kal showed Kara that he has Kandor and he's trying to figure out what to do with it, so maybe Kara does know she's alive. Or maybe Kara isn't sure she even moved to Kandor before Krypton exploded. While Kara is feeling all sad and vulnerable, H'el shows up to flash his bald upper pubis.

And no scar. I'm pretty sure DC editorial came out and told everyone to remove the scar as this isn't going to be The New 52 Bizarro. But the covers never get copies of memos or are done so far in advance that they didn't bother changing it.

H'el takes Kara to the arctic to visit the Fortress of Solitude. Looks like they're going to go on a little field trip to Kandor! I don't know how time works in Kandor. Have 27 full years passed? Or is time moving slowly there to keep the exhibit fresh for Brainiac? My Doctorate in Comic Book Science says that time would actually speed up because their metabolisms would be ramped up like a bunch of Gerbils, living their full lives in just a few years. So many, many, many, many generations would have passed across the 27 years (or maybe a little more?) that Kandor has been bottled. By this time, they would have invented a ship to explore Outer Bottle and would be exploring the Fortress of Solitude and building outposts in Kal-el's medicine cabinet.

But being that comic book science is flexible, it's more important that Tali still be alive for Kara to interact with. It doesn't matter if she's remained the same age or is older, although I feel if she's lived 27 years raising a family inside the Bottle, it will be more apt to sway Kara into not messing with the past.

Meanwhile, Superman has been locked out of The Fortress because he's just a baby Kryptonian compared to whatever H'el is. H'el can benchpress something like 800 Earths compared to Superman's measly six or seven.

We need the Goddamned Batman!

Back inside the Fortress, H'el uses his powers that are in no way Kryptonian at all by zapping Kara inside the Bottled City of Kandor.

I had to take a time out from reading this comic to listen to That's Really Super, Supergirl and Brainiac's Daughter by XTC (and, technically, The Dukes of Stratosphear). Okay, back to reading Supergirl!

The people of Kandor are merely sleeping. That's a boring exhibit.

H'el can't shrink himself but he sends an astral projection of himself into the Bottle to interact with Kara. His astral image looks like a normal Kryptonian and he claims this is what he used to look like before he was turned into a scarred, pale industrial rock star from outer space. He doesn't remember how it happened but I have a feeling it was drugs and whisky.

While H'el explains that Kandor can only be saved by going back in time (okay, he doesn't explain much. He just says, "Kandor can only be saved by going back in time"), Kara is attacked by 1980s action figures called Terminauts. That was a cartoon back then, right?

I bet the one on the left is called "Tiny." And the skinny one is "Princess." And that one flying above the other two is probably "Jason."

Supergirl is blasted across Kandor, landing next to Tali. Supergirl touches her inappropriately and decides that she's going to find a way to save her best friend ever no matter what stands in her way! I think that means she's going to help H'el try to go back in time. But this also means she's going to be on the wrong side. Not because she and H'el are wrong but because Batman is going to join forces with Superman. And nobody can beat Batman. Except maybe The Joker every now and then.

With her new found commitment to Project Pretend Flashpoint Doesn't Exist, Kara defeats the Terminauts and steals the "Quantum Crystal" power source of Kandor. H'el needs the power source to fuel his time machine and Kandor doesn't need it because they're all just sleeping and besides, they'll never have been shrunk down to a microcity once Supergirl and H'el fuck with the past. Although it kind of depends on when they end up saving Krypton since Kandor is micronized by Brainiac before The Multitude show up. And Jor-el saves Krypton from destruction by the Multitude simply to have Krypton eventually blow up due to the Cult of Let's Destroy The Entire Universe Starting With Krypton. I don't know exactly how much time lies between those two events but if H'el screws up, then Krypton will be saved while Kandor is gone. The time difference on Earth was somewhere around five years between the visit by Brainiac and the visit by the Multitude. I think. It's hard to figure out where in time Action Comics is taking place especially with Vndktvx fucking with Superman across all points in his life.

Also, I guess Earth is going to be fucked by the Multitude if Krypton is saved and Superman never gets shot to Earth. Oh well. Fuck those assholes. I never liked them much anyway.

Whatever the problems changing the past will cause, Supergirl is on board! Because look at that naked upper pubic area! SWOON! FWAAAAASH!

Supergirl #15 Rating: +1 Ranking. This has been the best issue of H'el on Earth so far because the ridiculous plot about saving Krypton is only the framing of the story of a girl being seduced by a monster with a terrific body. I bet all the ugly monsters are freaking out right now. "Fucking chicks! They never go for the 'nice' monsters! Give a monster rock hard abs and amazing scars crisscrossing a FWAAASH-worthy face and they're all, 'Oh! Oh! I'll go back in time with you! I'll save any planet you want!' But a nice fat two-headed monster with oozing pustules? Not a chance. Nope. No nice ugly monsters for her. Fucking bitch."

This issue also had so many great panels to use as my "The End" picture! But I think I'm leaving you with the best of the best of this issue.


  1. I am sure you meant Voltron I remember those names for the Voltron team.

    I used to watch it every chance I got when I was a teenager when it first came out.

    1. I grew up on G-Force which later became Battle of the Planets. These shows always had a Tiny and a Princess and a Jason.

    2. And I didn't actually think there was a cartoon called "Terminauts." It's just such an 80s sounding cartoon name. Which is why the subsequent follow up with giving them the typical names from those cartoons where the team was made up of a fat guy, a woman, two men, and a small boy/weird thing.

      Welcome to my humors. I have the jokes!