Superboy #13

I bet I can guess what the lure was!

I decided to let Superboy back into the New 52 because I think Tom DeFalco sort of spilled the beans on who Experiment 01 was when he showed the New 52 Bizarro in the group shot at the end of Superboy Zero. Believe me, I didn't want to let it back in the stacks! I was so happy to be reading comic books and then I read Deathstroke #13. But I figured, "That's okay! The next comic book will make everything better!" And then I pulled out Superboy #13. I'll have to fix the holes in my wall later.

This is the way every issue of Superboy begins! Fuck you, DeFalco.

This first page is highly informative to the loyal Superboy reader. First, it reminds them that this is Superboy and he's a clone from N.O.W.H.E.R.E. And it does it in the exact words as previous issues so as not to confuse anyone. And then we learn that Superboy doesn't dream. Unless he does. But if he does, he doesn't remember them. With those facts, we can do some word addition and come to the conclusion that he's never had a nightmare. But then he says, "Until now..." which means he does dream!

Except I think he's using the metaphoric meaning of nightmare as in, "I was having a good doze when a mannish woman snuck up and began blow drying my hair." I've use it that way before.

Oh, and did everyone catch the clever title?! "LAW AND DISORDER!" Ha ha! With the exclamation point to show how silly and whimsical it is!

Turning the page, I suddenly realize that Tom DeFalco must have found a child running around the offices of DC and let it script this issue.

Oops! I thought it was a blow dryer. I should have recognized it as a Head Screw Gun.

The woman trying to screw Superboy's head is Jocely Lure. She's the cop that wanted to help him but then she turned out to be someone from the future or something. She must be from the future because Head Screw Guns haven't been invented yet. Plus, she's read all of the current books on etiquette and the only people who bother to do that are time travelers! She actually just came to talk with Superboy and since most of the etiquette books simply said to waltz right into someone's apartment while they're sleeping, she wandered in and found all of his stolen money. And since she's a cop for the NYPD, she feels like it's her job to arrest him. I guess it is!

New York is her city! In the future, she must be rich and powerful.

Superboy and Jocelyn agree to work together. She'll help him learn to be a real boy and to find Caitlin Fairchild while he helps her to fight crime and open jars. So after five pages, the cover illustration is already used up. The rest of the issue is going to be such a surprise!

The next day, Superboy goes out on another date. Not with Bunker! With Dallas, his landlady that was almost killed the night they went clubbing. Superboy shares a bunch of his stolen money with her and she suddenly can't let go of his arm. I bet his tactile telekinesis makes her boobs on his arm feel super good.

On their date, they pass by the bus terminal where Jimmy Olsen has just arrived. Superboy hears him on the phone with Lois and realizes this little twerp is here to get the scoop on Superboy. I don't know if that disturbs Superboy or if Superboy is upset that Jimmy Olsen is wearing a yellow Green Lantern shirt. It must be a knock-off.

Meanwhile, Jocelyn Lure is playing with futuristic gadgets and wearing an outfit for S.H.E. Is this another covert group? Super Human Exterminators?

Superboy's DNA is from the 31st Century?

Back to the date, Jocelyn ducks inside a shop to spend Superboy's money (actually some bank's money) on a fabulous purse while outside, Superboy makes some new friends. Maybe Jimmy Olsen will get a pic!

I wonder if Bonesmasher is related to Bonebreaker.

These guys beating up Superboy work for the people who want Dallas's money. Which is really their money. They think Superboy is her new bodyguard except he's really just her renter with the possibility of upgrading to Sugar Teenager.

Superboy takes umbrage to being attacked by a bunch of amateurs. He may only be a few months old but he knows how to ambush someone and these jerks have it all wrong. Superboy wrote the Reboot Book on ambushing other super powered people in New York City! Just ask the NYPD!

Okay. So now we're just going to pretend that the Teen Titans are established and known by name? I guess yelling out the name of their group in the park just before getting beat up by Superboy is on par with holding a press conference.

Watching this fight on some live video feed on some camera that luckily happens to be positioned on this random street in New York City is the mysterious guy with the backwards "S" on his chest. And even though he must be Bizarro because of the stupid backwards "S" scarification, he speaks normally. Bah. Did he and Solomon Grundy go to finishing school in the New 52?

This is really making me regret jumping to the conclusion that this guy was Experiment 01. I think The New 51 is back! Fuck you, Superboy!

If this guy is Bizarro, I hate him. It's like comic books have thrown every ounce of whimsy out the window. They seem embarrassed by goofy characters and whimsical ideas. Do the DC Editors run focus groups full of tough-acting kids they pulled off the street?

DC Editors: "So do you like this scene where Superboy is confronted by these other guys?"
Kid: "Naw, naw. He's gotta act like he don't fucking care, man. You got him talkin' shit and shit, know ut'm sayin'? He needs to be all, 'Oh you got a gun in my face? That's nice but it ain't nothin' but a thing.' And then the other guy should act even cooler. 'What this? Naw! It ain't nothin' but a thing.' And then Superboy is all POW! And the other guy is all WHAT? NO WAY!"
DC Editors (taking notes): "What about this scene where Bizarro is watching?"
Kid: "That silly ass shit? What the fuck is that? 'Me am not wondering who am weak girl me not watching.' That shit don't make no sense. That guy should talk normal and shit. He got a bad ass surveillance system, yeah? He gonna talk mad good English, know ut'm sayin'?"
DC Editors: "No, no we don't. But hopefully Lobdell or DeFalco will. They're hip to urban dictionary and shiznits and yolos. They totally ship each other."
Kid: "You old fucks is crazy. I thought you was draggin' me in here to watch you lemon party up the place. I'm still gettin' my twenty bucks, right?"


Fuck you! My streetwise street tough kid is better than anything DeFalco could write! Get off my ass!

Of course the police try to stop Superboy. He's obviously the cause of the trouble and since his name is on the cover of the comic book, he's the one that should be arrested. Jocelyn also takes note of Superboy getting in a mix-up with the police and wonders if she should cut him loose. Even though she just fucking made a deal with him to help him not getting into these situations! Judas fucking priest. "Oh Superboy! Let's you and I help each other! Unless it gets too hard on my end. Then fuck that shit!"

Superboy begins to worry that their might be a darker reason as to why he's always losing his temper so quickly. He believes his mind might be deteriorating. Really? You don't think it might simply be because you're a fucking six month old? You still don't know how to deal with your emotions, kid. You need to spend more time learning with Jocelyn but that fucking bitch sounds like she's ready to give up on you before she even started.

During all the commotion, 12 year old Jimmy Olsen snaps some sure to be award-winning pictures of the fight.

Get off the fucking phone and concentrate on the photos, you idiot.

Why is everybody in this comic book making me so angry?! Why didn't I stick with my plan to stop reading this dumb comic book and pretend that it never existed? I hate myself.

Jocelyn Lure chooses to honor her deal with Superboy. She arrives on the scene and bails him out, sending him through a portal to Doom Patrol headquarters on the other side of America and into the pages of The Ravagers #5. Good thing I decided to read this comic before Ravagers since they both came out the same week. So Superboy is finally reunited with Caitlin. I'm sure their meeting will be awful and full of grammatical errors since it takes place in that awful Ravagers comic book.

Superboy #13 Rating: No change. The actual story within this comic book wasn't a horrible story except it's the third Superboy comic in a row with the same plot. Superboy goes on a date and gets in a fight. And the dialogue and the attitudes of the characters leave me unsympathetic to them all. And if that mystery guy really is Bizarro, my prediction is he's just going to be another fucking boring attitude with a different face. Actually, the same face as all of R.B. Silva's characters but a different face than the square faced Bizarro of old.