G.I. Combat #5

When there's trouble you know who to call! THE HAUNTED TANK! From the battlefield he can see it all! THE HAUNTED TANK!

I was really happy that the Zero Issues were over. Most of them were better than I expected but it seemed like the same thing over and over again. DC needs more variety in their heroes. I think half of the Zero Issues were about how someone became Robin. But now that I've got G.I. Combat #5 in my hands, I'm beginning to rethink my position on the Zero Issues. Maybe it was just that the last half of the Zero Issues were the worst of The New 52? Because this isn't a Zero Issue and I'm not looking forward to it at all!

One good thing in this comic book's favor is that J.T. Krul isn't anywhere near it. In fact, I don't think Krul is writing a single comic book for DC this month. And even though that's obviously speculation on my part (see the "I think" part?), some ragged asshole is going to actually the shit out of me because I "haven't read the solicits" or "done my research." One good thing I will say about J.T. Krul is that he's not Ann Nocenti. Holy fuck, she's bad.

The Haunted Tank story begins in a place called "The Red Room." This is different from the Black Room because it's red. It's described as "an unknown area filled with known dangers." How is the area unknown? Who unknows about it? What, then, is The Black Room? A known area filled with unknown dangers? Inside this Red Room is a giant Roman coin, a tapestry made from bones, a pile of Spiderman costumes, a statue with two clawed feet with a crocodile face between the feet and its cock resting on the top of the right foot, a multi-barrel gatling gun, a suit of armor, and The Haunted Tank. The Haunted Tank gets a message to "find him now" and it disappears in an expulsion of green ectoplasmic vapours. This also sets off a siren which will alert the people in the unknow about the unknown place!

And then the action moves to a crazy person's house.

This guy's name is Stuart. I can tell he's crazy because his mailbox outside is empty but he has the flag up! That joke is for elderly people.

Meanwhile, the tank is rolling down a highway in Michigan. And it's haunted! Ooo! Spooky!

The military has sent in helicopters to blow the shit out of it. But they don't realize it's scary!

Apparently it also knows Kung Fu.

After the helicopter shoots a missile at it, the Haunted Tank either teleports above the helicopter and drops on it or did a spinning kick right into its rotors. I'm going to have to go with the Karate move since a teleporting tank might explain why it's haunted but a tank that knows judo is scarier than shit! Is shit really scary or was that just me lacking a creative metaphor? Probably a little bit of both.

The Haunted Tank destroys another helicopter with its Haunted .30 caliber mounted machine gun. Then it decides to take a break as the Argus agents swarm all over it and chain it to the ground. Are these guys stupid? Didn't they see the way the Haunted Tank flipped out earlier? No chains can hold this mother fucker!

Holy shit! It can burrow into the ground too!

Jeb Stuart begins bleeding from his ears or his fingers. It's hard to tell! Not because I don't know the difference between ears and fingers but because he's holding his head and then there is blood on his fingers and the sides of his head! Sheesh! You people really don't have any respect for my near average intelligence, do you? Jerks.

Meanwhile, Colonel Steve Trevor gets all the information he can on Jeb Stuart. I guess since the Haunted Tank was in the Red Room of Known Dangers, they know who the tank was teamed with in World War II. And this Stuart guy is a 98 year old veteran of World War II. Now it's Trevor's job to kick this old man's ass and put that Haunted Tank back in its place.

As Jeb Stuart waits for the Haunted Tank, he occasionally speaks to a picture of him with his great grandson Scotty who seems to be in the military as well. Being that Sgt. Rock was updated to be the grandson of the Sgt. Rock that people actually enjoyed reading about, The Haunted Tank is probably on its way to join up with Scott Stuart. Which means Trevor is about to beat the shit out of an old man that doesn't have anything to do with the Haunted Tank flipping out on the highway.

Except I'm completely wrong and the Haunted Tank actually visits Jeb Stuart for a hand job.

That's it. Nice and slow.

The tank has come to Stuart because Stuart and the tank need to rescue Stuart's great grandson Scotty. He's been taken hostage in Afghanistan and is going to be executed. The tank cannot allow the Stuart bloodline to end. Why? Because who is it going to speak with when all the Stuarts are gone? It'll just be like every other Haunted Tank that nobody knows is Haunted because all of its relatives are dead and it has no purpose anymore.

Just before Scott Stuart gets a bullet in his head, Jeb and the Haunted Tank appear in the cave! Five pages of the Haunted Tank karate kicking Afghani freedom fighters (or terrorists. Depends on whichever the side the person reading this is on) in the crotch and crane kicking them in the face and double back flips and punching shards of bone into brains, the rescue is complete!

Boo! Scared ya, didn't I?

So that's it for The Haunted Tank this month. Basically it's just another fucking modern day war story. The brown guys have some white guys captured and since our politicians have built up this terror war in the minds of everyone, nobody needs any real motives in the comic. "Look! It's brown guys with guns on white guys! The brown guys must be terrorists and need to be crushed under the tracks of a two ton tank!" I guess that's why the next story, Unknown Soldier, is trying a whole different tactic in its storytelling. "Look at the twist we've made! The terrorists in our story are white! Of course they've been trained and brainwashed by the brown guys. But just think how scary it is when you can't profile the bad guys! That's scarier than a Haunted Tank any day!"

The Unknown Soldier story begins in a burned out section of Detroit. Isn't that redundant? HA HA!

I'd apologize to my Detroit readers but nobody in Detroit can read. HA HA! Burned! Oh wait! That's redundant! HA HA!

No, no. Seriously. I kid because I love. I LOVE TO KID ABOUT DETROIT! HA HA!

The Unknown Soldier is checking out a lead on a Super Patriot Group that believes the Government is run by Satan. Or something. So far, it's just the Unknown Soldier in a disguise selling arms to this group. Lots and lots of standing around and talking. I bet after they get done talking, there will be lots and lots of people dying!

While the Unknown Soldier is speaking with these armed nuts, he calls Detriot "D-Troit." That's in his speech bubble. But they sound exactly the same! So is he actually saying to these men, "D Dash Troit"?

The Unknown Soldier treats the entire arms deal like a big joke which makes the buyers suspicious and nervous. And I think that was the point. I think the Unknown Soldier just baited these guys into drawing their guns so he could kill them all! He's a loose cannon that loves to, well, whatever loose cannons love to do. Fall off their mounts? Sleep around with other cannons?

This loose cannon simply explodes in their faces!

The Unknown Soldier kills everyone but the main guy who ends up telling him nothing more than "A Revolution is coming" before a nearby Reaper Drone is hacked and it blows the area to hell. Now what was an armed Reaper Drone doing flying over Detroit?

That was a rhetorical question! See my Detroit jokes above!

Anyway, I lost interest in the whole Unknown Soldier story a long time ago. At least this comic only has two more issues to go. I hope The Unknown Soldier can root out the revolutionary elements in America and make the country safe for a fascist takeover by our well armed government to do as they please! What a hero!

G.I. Combat #5 Rating: -2 Ranking. It loses one ranking because the Unknown Soldier story is boring and predictable. It loses another ranking because now I wish the Haunted Tank really did know karate.