Tuesday, October 23, 2012

New Guardians #13

Saint Walker looks like a rag doll's penis.

For some reason, this issue begins with Atrocitus and Kyle Rayner beating the crap out of each other in Coast City's cemetery. I'm fairly certain this came out of nowhere. I try to keep myself up-to-date with what's happening in every comic book's storyline by writing these commentaries but writers still pull shit like this that just leaves me confused and broken and sobbing naked on the floor. I guess this is where if I wasn't writing these commentaries, I would just continue reading until it all made sense!

Uh oh. Time for a flashback featuring a woman in a refrigerator.

I guess now that Atrocitus has saved the Red Lantern power battery, he has a lot of free time on his hands to train Rayner. I guess it's also to his advantage to have Rayner prepared to put a beat down on the Guardians and their new Borg Lanterns. Reminding Kyle that his girlfriend is dead because of him should help him find the sweet, gooey Rage-filled center within him.

"Fuck. The girlfriend has expired! Again!"

None of this helps to make Kyle angry. He's apparently become all zen and light. What's interesting though is that everybody knows something that makes them irrationally angry. Why isn't Kyle offering anybody any hints on how to help him achieve that madness? I'll tell you what makes me see red in a completely and utterly irrational way: technology not behaving as it's supposed to. Perhaps it's all those years watching The Fonz beat the shit out of machines and getting them to work that instantly makes me want to throw my Xbox through the wall when it acts up or take a crowbar to my router's skull when it continually drops me. I once dented the fuck out of my VW bus's rear left hubcap because the damn thing decided not to start for me once again. Of course I apologized to it and patted it on the dashboard reassuringly, promising never to get mad at it again. It's a good thing machines don't have the artificial intelligence yet to report me for technology abuse.

Me: "Oh, why hello, officers!"
Police: "The neightbors reported some loud yelling and the sound of smashing objects."
Me: "Oh, well, yeah. Heh. I'm just playing some Call of Duty on the Xbox."
Xbox 360: "He's lying! He tried to choke me!"
Me: "Shut up you lying shitweasel!"
Police: *Smashing my face in and shoving me against the wall* "You're coming with us for technological abuse, you violent bastard!"
Xbox 360: "Don't hurt him! I love him! He can't help himself sometimes!"
Me: *crying* "I'm sorry, honey! I'm sorry! Things'll be different when Black Ops II comes out! I swear it!"

Other than getting angry at mechanical and technological objects that don't act the way I think they should, I'm a complete kitten. I mean, I'm a raging bastard that goes crazy when comic books are written poorly or drawn like this piece of shit I paid good money for!

Whew. That was close. I almost blew the illusion that I fly into a rage at the slightest provocation while reading The New 52! None of this is as funny if everyone knows I'm acting!

Look how goofy Kyle looks? He's totally derped out. And so is Atrocitus! Did Andrei Bressan even bother to look at reference pictures of the Red Lantern?

Atrocitus flies off with Kyle to beat the shit out of him without Carol Ferris watching. She keeps stopping Atrocitus before he can get any breakthroughs with Kyle. If beating Kyle to a bloody pulp is supposed to release his Rage, how is Carol going to release his Love? That's the comic book I want to be reading right now!

Carol Ferris: "Come on, Kyle! You can do it! You've got to concentrate! Breathe deep. Lie back. Close your eyes."
Kyle: "Okay, Carol! I'm ready! Teach me about love!"
Carol Ferris: "*ahem* How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach, when feeling out...."
Kyle: "What the fuck?! Poetry! I thought I was going to bang Hal's girlfriend! I'm so fucking pissed off!"
Green Lantern Ring: "Rage."

Atrocitus takes Kyle Rayner to some warzone where a father is about to be shot, taking the place of his son. Atrocitus hopes that Kyle's feelings of helplessness in the face of violence and evilness will spark his rage.

Umm, Kyle? Your, um, Green Lantern Ring isn't being restrained. You can, you know, make a construct or something to help out? Idiot.

This finally does the trick although I think Kyle is really mad at himself for being too stupid to save this man with the Universe's most powerful weapon which can do anything. At range.

He looks like something out of Dial H. Hey! I wonder if Nelson from Dial H can ever dial into being one of the regular DC Heroes? That would be fucking interesting. Nelson takes on Superman's powers while Superman is in the middle of some conflict, leading Lex Luthor to defeat him. And then Nelson has some of Superman's memories and suddenly knows his secret identity! And Batman's and everybody's alias that Superman knows! Total security failure for the Justice League!

Kyle vomits lava all over all of the bad guys with guns and then turns his anger to Atrocitus.

I think this is where I mention a certain kettle ass-fucking a certain pot.

Atrocitus knocks the Green Lantern back into him and then leaves for Red Lanterns #13. Kyle then accesses the Blue Spectrum and heals all of the wounded in the area. It looks like once Kyle accesses a spectrum, he has full use of it. So now he has willpower, hope, and rage all at his disposal. Hee hee! I bet he gets love next!

Instead of working on love, Kyle and Carol head off in search of Fear to learn from Arkillo. And in Sector 2819, the Borg Lanterns are busy assimilating the members of a ship that scans incoming aliens for diseases.

My guess is the entire universe will be assimilated. Except for Madagascar.

New Guardians #13 Rating: +1 Ranking. So far, this has been the best issue of the Third Army crossover. Although none of them have really only given two or three pages of space to the Third Army. This comic, at least, continued the story of the Rainbow Corps against The Guardians. Carol and Kyle and the Violet Corps making Compassion Rings seem to be the only ones with a plan against the Guardians so far. I'm sure The Red Lanterns will reveal their assault plans this week in their comic.

1 comment:

  1. Funny, funny review. Hey who doesn't beat the shit out their devices every now and then? Sometimes it works:)

    Funny shit as usual;)