Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Birds of Prey #0

Just before reading Birds of Prey #0, I was checking out my stats for Places and Predators. I receive about 1000 unique visitors a day, most of them because of this Tumblr and my Blogspot. Google provides a large percentage as well. And judging by the search terms people use to find my site, I'm a depraved lunatic who loves comics and The Bible.

Simply looking at yesterday's search terms (sorry, Birds of Prey, your comic will have to wait a bit), they lead off with 14 hits for "robin origin." This is followed by half a dozen hits for innocuous things like "red hood and the outlaws," "nightwing logo," "nightwing motorcycle," and "red hoods and the outlaws starfire." It quickly begins to degenerate with entries like "teen boobs," "catwoman ass," "supergirl tentacles," "catwoman tits," and "teen titan rape." These search terms probably weren't Google'd using quotes but I'm using quotes here to differentiate them more easily from the others. There's also the ambiguous search term "dwarf lover" which could have actually been somebody looking for my webcomic, Dwarf Lover, and just as easily could have been some fetishist looking for dwarves being fucked.

I should interrupt myself to point out that talking about these search terms is only going to increase the hits for searches of these items. But that doesn't matter. My site is a dead end for what most of these people are searching for. Learn to use quote marks in your searches, people! Oh, I guess that won't help after that last paragraph though. Sorry!

Randomly interspersed between entries for "beast fuck girls comic" and "girl using dildo," I find entries like "bible tv show guy draws a picture," "abilmelech sarah god kept," "which line of noah did abimelech come from," "what city did abraham ask god not to destroy," "isaac makes peace," "god makes a deal with abraham to save sodom & gomorrah," "why did noah get mad at ham when he was naked in the tent?" and "cum swallowing." These are all because of my Literal Reading of The Bible Commentary on the P&P site. Oh, except maybe that last one. I think.

And then there are, of course, the search terms from the truly disturbed. "Fucking kids." Although that could be ambiguous and it's no wonder they find my site searching for it! I'm pretty sure I mutter, "Fucking kids!" at least once a day when I'm out in public. "does anybody want to have sex with their daughter" That's not a surprise they find my site either. That happens in The Bible and everyone's pretty much okay with it because dad was drunk and what could he do? "weird stuff in her ass" Hmm, maybe not truly disturbed since now I'm curious about this. "really ugly fucking babies" Now that's just not right! That's utterly and totally...oh, wait. I don't think they meant fucking as a verb. "how to fuck a man brains out" Angry ex? "pics of when your best friend hurts you" Okay, now that's just making me really sad.

And of course, the hilariously random. "king trident boner" Disney porn? "if you get bitten by a demon" Pee on the bite, right? "scarecrow penis" Sir. Sir, I don't even want to know. "but a real batarang" Noble career choice, internet searcher! "how to make your brother shut up" I don't think I have an advice column on the site? "sex wonder woman and batman" Oh, this fan is going to be so disappointed when he finally sees the cover of Justice League #12. "chest tattoos to celebrate fatherhood" Might I suggest RAD DAD HAD LAD! in bright pink ink? "i have a pussy i make the rules bane" Was this a line in the new Dark Knight movie? "basketballspillere aliens" Um, what? "gargoyle sex scene" Fuck. Now I'm curious. And last on the list (although I skipped dozens of entries): "hot sex hot pussy and hot tits" Uh oh! Looks like someone's ready to masturbate!

Now that everyone that just wanted to read a review of Birds of Prey have stopped reading, it's time for me to review Birds of Prey! Actually, it's time for me to comment on Birds of Prey as I read it. Some people may have noticed that my reviews are really just comments vomited directly from my brain and onto the internet. Just like 99% of the rest of the internet!

Birds of Prey says it takes place one year ago. But one year ago is when this comic book started. And that began with flashbacks about how it got to where it was. So I immediately don't know what the fuck is going on.

Dinah Lance has broken into the Iceberg Casino (or lounge as it's being called here) looking to score a job for Penguin. She wants him to notice her so she can get hired so she can watch for Basilisk from the inside of Penguin's headquarters. She calls Basilisk "meta-terrorists" and Penguin's bodyguards "meta-muscle." I have no idea what that means.

Once she beats them all up and shows off her sonic scream, Penguin hires her. Everybody gets a bird name so she takes the name Black Canary. It's here working security for the casino that she meets Starling. And then weeks later, Dinah finally catches a glimpse of the guy selling the crap that Basilisk is buying. Or maybe it's the other way around? Anyway, she spots the guy and then someone crashes through the skylight. Typical fucking Gotham.

Holy crap, Batgirl had big boobs one year ago!

Black Canary and Starling fight Batgirl for awhile before Canary can whisper to Batgirl that she's undercover. Batgirl has arrived for the same reason: to stop Basilisk from buy the bomb. But Batgirl has a little more information. She knows it's a Mutation Bomb for sale.

Aha. That must be what happened to Black Canary to give her the Sonic Scream.

While Black Canary captures the Buyer, Batgirl nabs the Seller. A short confrontation with Starling takes place but they all end up on the same side. They walk out on The Penguin and Black Canary heads home to contemplate life with associates again.

The Birds of Prey will be an adequate replacement for Kurt.

And then the big surprise twist happens. Starling is actually working for Amanda Waller who has Kurt Lance in stasis. Now Starling probably doesn't know Amanda has Kurt. But this being a year ago, Kurt apparently gets pulled out of stasis at some point to investigate the Teen Titans and Solstice destroying the battleship in New York. But even if Starling did know that Amanda had Kurt, she wouldn't know it next issue. And then she'd know it again the issue after that. But then she'd forget for a few issues before she finds herself needing to Narration Box it to catch the readers up on the action.

Birds of Prey #0 Rating: Another quick Zero read that doesn't feel like a lot of effort was put into it. It's like Duane was told to fit Black Canary into Team 7 and that's when he decided Starling would be Amanda Waller's mole. It's more believable than some of the other shit I've been asked to swallow during this comic book's run.

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