Tuesday, October 30, 2012

The Savage Hawkman #13

Even though Liefeld is gone, the plot of this book continues to be "somebody attacks Hawkman."

Here at the end of October 2012, I have The Savage Hawkman listed as the worst comic book in The New 52. Liefeld didn't kill it but he helped keep it horrible. It was never very good when Tony Daniel was writing it and then Liefeld took it in a whole new direction that made it even less interesting. I'm not surprised it made the Fourth Wave cut because DC is probably hesitant to cancel any of their comics headed by their biggest names. They don't mind jettisoning the Wildstorm stuff though. Grifter didn't make the cut and I have that ranked at #51! So that was a well-deserved shitcanning.
Frankenstein at #14 and Blue Beetle at #32 were also cancelled. I think Frank is probably rated a bit too high and Blue Beetle a bit too low on my rankings (which you can see if you visit my actual tumblr page) but I'm pretty sure they were cancelled simply due to low popularity of their characters. Blue Beetle was a pleasantly well-written surprise.

Legion Lost at #46 was also cancelled! That's too bad! I was so very interested to find out how they were going to spend their time while stuck in the past. I was hoping the drama would eventually die down and they'd end up just sitting around playing video games and ordering take-out.

Last of them all, G.I. Combat at #42 finally ran out of war stories. This one was only ranked as high as it was because when I began reading it, I just stuck it in one of the free slots in the rankings left by one of the previously cancelled titles. If DC throws in yet another War Book with the Fourth Wave, I'm officially done reading The New 52. I'll just move on to my other writing projects I've been ignoring. I'm serious, DC. The readers have spoken twice now. Stop giving us fucking crap war stories!

The opening page makes me suspect The Savage Hawkman isn't going to be getting any better.

I could be wrong because I don't have an encyclopaedic knowledge of all of the comic books I've read so far, but I'm pretty sure Carter Hall only realized he's an alien that escaped to Earth at the end of Issue #12. He's been attacked by people wanting the Nth armor since around issue #8. I have a feeling even the new writer, Mark Poulton, didn't really read the series. He just sort of scanned it and is now trying to make sense of it himself. Basically, The Savage Hawkman is about to take a new direction based on the Zero Issue and forget all of the old, boring archaeology bullshit that was boring and bullshit.

Let me take that bit back where I said Mark Poulton is writing this thing. His name is on the cover under Rob Liefeld (yes, his influence is still all over this turd) but not in the credits. The credits still say "Plot - Rob Liefeld, Dialogue - Frank Tieri." Maybe it's better that nobody knows who is responsible for this comic book. I have a feeling nobody is ever going to feel proud about having worked on it.

In the first three pages, Emma (Carter's love interest that instantly went from awkward flirtation to full-fledged girlfriend in the space of one change of writers) calls the Thanagarians "Tweety" and "Pigeons." She's become a crack shot with a laser and she doesn't have an ounce of fear. Hopefully Emma wasn't anyone's favorite character because it's apparent her characterization doesn't fucking matter. As long as Hawkman has a woman in his life, it doesn't matter that her personality is unstable. I don't mean she's like Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon. I mean she doesn't have a distinct personality! It changes depending on what the scene needs from the love interest!

Hawkman and Emma try to make their escape but as Shayera (Hawkgirl!) points out, the Thanagarians are "wonderful warriors" with wonderful weapons. She manages to pin him to a wall by his wings. She mentions she'll have no problem crucifying him if he doesn't come along. And even though she's had no problem with any other English words so far, including crucify, she apparently doesn't know everything.

If you suspect the reader to suspend her disbelief enough not wonder why an alien race is managing a conversation in English, don't break him out of it by having the alien suddenly not understand a word or two.

Carter Hall and Emma are captured and taken aboard Shayera's ship. Except they don't even make it up the ramp when everything suddenly explodes!

I guess this is why this issue is called "The Enemy of my Enemy."

I guess Xerxes is making good his threat! Here's the last time he was seen in the comic book back in Issue #10.

Internet Research: The Chinvat Bridge is the link between the land of the living and the land of the dead in Zoroastrianism.

The dialogue in this comic book is truly painful. Every comment from every character comes from a position of power. They're all speaking as if they're the baddest ass on the playing field and they all make, as Shayera explicitly states, "cute little comments." Even Emma didn't feel threatened even though she's suddenly been confronted by strange life from another world with advanced technology like nothing she's ever imagined. She just pulls out a laser and calls them pigeons because what use is their in trying to come up with a way to escape and survive? Might as well piss them all off by shooting one of them in the face while the others kill you.

Perhaps I should make a rule in the new year that at the end of each month, I'll drop whichever comic book I've decided is the worst in The New 52? I just can't imagine reading much more of The Savage Hawkman. I don't have anything new to say about it. The dialogue is inane and trite. The action is constant but not in a way that drives the plot forward. The action is the plot. Hawkman can't even begin a plot because the next person wanting the Nth metal comes along and beats him up. And now Xerxes is back to do it again. I might as well just fucking reread Issue #10.

I'm glad I don't own a gun because the barrel of it would be in my mouth right now. Shayera tells Xerxes she doesn't know who he is and she doesn't care. So later, Xerxes says, "As for who I am? All you need to know is blah blah blah." Dude. She said she didn't care! And now you're acting as if you're keeping information from her and using it in a ridiculous taunt.

During the ridiculous conversation (oh, and the fight, I guess), Emma escapes into one of the ships (I can't tell if she's stowing away in Pike's ship or the Thanagarian ship). The only reason I suspect it could be Pike's ship because immediately after Emma escapes, Pike takes off too.

Who the hell is Pike and why does he have such advanced technology? He sounds human with that "E.T." comment.

After Hawkman beats up Xerxes again, my question is answered as Pike turns his ship's guns on Hawkman.

Great plan! Or she just got lucky?

Now that Hawkman has subdued the three antagonists, Emma asks him, "What do we do with these guys now?" Hawkman says, "I have an idea. Though I sincerely doubt any of them will like it." But that idea is never expressed adequately in the art. What I believe he did was destroy the Thanagarian ship, loaded them on Pike's ship, and shot them into space on a preprogrammed route. But that's just speculation! Especially since I don't think Pike's ship is capable of long range space flight!

The Savage Hawkman #13 Rating: I almost gave it a negative one Rank! I forgot it's sitting at the bottom already! Hopefully this fucking comic will take a new route sometime soon. Get a real writer on this book and put a fucking story in it.

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