Team 7 #1

"Defensive formation: PHARAOH'S TOMB!"

This cover is classic. It's everything about 90's comics stuffed into a single space. But it's done well! The art is fantastic. The guns are believable. Amanda Waller is a little bit chubby. Deathstroke is cockily holding his sword so awkwardly that I wouldn't be surprised if this is how he loses his eye. Grifter is full of pouches and shooting two guns at different targets. They're in a ridiculous formation but one that actually comes closer to possible than any Image cover ever did. Dinah Lance looks like her canary arm would snap as soon as that gun began firing.

I think I'm actually looking forward to reading a comic where everyone is shooting guns wildly! I'm expecting this comic to be dumb fun, especially after this cover.

Oh! I was also informed by reader Jill Johansen that Team 7 was named Team 7 simply because they replaced Team 6. That's a pretty depressing way to name your teams. I think I prefer Suicide Squad. At least Amanda was up front about it.

Captain Sideburns: "Um, hey newbs! You guys will be called Team 1!"
Newb #1: "Cool! Will we be working with Team 2?"
Captain Sideburns: "Not exactly."

Okay. Everybody ready to learn the secret history of THE NEW 52?! I am!

The comic book begins by reminding me that Captain Sideburn's real name is John Lynch. I doubt I'll remember that since there are ten other people in this comic book whose names I need to remember. Team 7's first mission (if I'm reading the report name "T7-M1" correctly) was to secure a place called Facility 9. Captain Sideburns must have a mental condition that causes him to number everything. "Oh man! Testicle 2 is really fucking hurting right now!"

This one time, I was chopping Jalapenos and then went to the bathroom without thinking about it. Nobody ever says you have to wash your hands BEFORE you use the bathroom! Afterward, I had to head get something out of the car and as I was walking to the car, I suddenly had this intense feeling from my groin that kind of felt like I had to urinate. And each step I took, it began to feel less and less like an urge and more and more like HOLY FUCKING BURNING! I don't think this incident actually taught me anything.

So Team 7 is on their way to their first mission while John Lynch adds to his report that the biggest problem with Team 7 was Team 7. What an ass!

This is their plane. It's probably called Pink Slipper 4.

It also looks like this first mission goes tits up because it's full of gigantic egos. But before shit starts hitting fans, Captain Sideburns explains that Facility 9 is the place they stick the super humans they capture. It's the Guantanamo Bay of super villains. And super heroes. Either way. It's a floating prison and they lost radio contact with it. It's probably chock full of super powered people captured by Teams 1-6.

As they attempt to land on the floating prison, its defenses begin blasting away. Waller was supposed to put the puzzle pieces together and she apparently got them wrong because she had the cover image upside down. She said the defenses were off but they were exactly the opposite! They were on! And the crazy ass pilot, Ramos, was too crazy to see that the guns were tracking them. She dodges all of the lasers which proves she's the second best pilot in the world (Hal Jordan is probably the best) but she can't dodge the missiles!

"Pink Slipper 4 is hit! Initiate emergency procedure "Eating Taco Bell Before the Marathon!"

I'm going to interrupt myself for a second to say this: Grifter has had two speech bubbles worth of dialogue so far in this comic and they outshine everything he's ever said in his own comic book. No, they're not particularly worthy of being quoted or scanned. They just sound like a normal person taking part in abnormal conversation as opposed to a stupid guy trying to act quick witted. I should also point out that Kurt Lance and Slade Wilson have some seriously douchey facial hair.

Kurt Lance wins the award of First Appearance of a Nineties Attitude in Issue #1.

Apparently a "Dump and Run" is where the pilot sort of gets near the landing site and shoves everyone the fuck off the ship without parachutes. Everybody lands without injury even though they weren't trained for this because not one of these people knew what a dump and run was. Well, everybody but Kurt Lance lands without injury. He tumbles right off the fucking prison. But he won't plummet to his death because Dinah kills him later! Instead, Bronson jumps over the edge to save him.

Bronson just looks like an overly muscled Blue Beetle. Maybe I should be putting Ted Kord's face on him?

Slade ruffles some feathers because he's acting like the best because he is the best. And Waller is actually wearing a cap with the Team 7 logo on it! I hope this team isn't supposed to be covert!

Waller gets everybody up to speed before they enter Facility 9. Apparently she learned everything she knows from John Lynch since the intelligence he gave the team left out "non-mission-relevant details." Sort of the way Amanda doesn't tell her Squad that Mitch Shelley can resurrect every time he dies. While they're arguing about the mission parameters and how to get inside, Cole Cash takes action by blowing a hole in the roof with some C4 he pulled out of his ass (I mean, Pouch 32) and jumping inside.

How does the rest of the team take him seriously with that stupid handkerchief on his face and all of those fucking pouches? Jesus Merino is completely making fun of Jim Lee and his Image buddies (especially Liefeld, amirite?) at this point. He's going to lose his fucking job!

Grifter is saying "Well damn" because the place is in shambles and the walls are covered in blood and writing. Waller says the writing is "pre-Sumerian" which makes Waller ridiculously smart to recognize that or a complete liar making shit up as she goes along. Since the writing looks more like a modern alphabet made with alien lines, my guess is she's a gigantic bullshitter.

The team finds a single person cowering under some wreckage. Dinah calls her a civilian but she's hiding a secret!

Eclipso!

Team Seven bats this woman around a bit as she bares her fangs and slashes at them with claws and speaks in a scraggly font. Eventually they they just line up in Offensive Formation: Firing Line and blow the shit out of her. For a second, the team thinks they're safe. But they're all too Rebooty to remember The Darkness Within, the Eclipso crossover from the early nineties. So they don't know how Eclipso works. But they're going to find out soon enough!

Darkness Falls sounds like it should be a drama on The CW.

Team 7 #1 Rating: +2 Ranking. This is like a 90s comic written by an actual writer instead of an artist's best friend. The dialogue is well done and isn't completely full of the characters smarting off to one another or simply acting tougher than the next guy. The art is the 90s style but not so much that it distracts me since I'm not a big fan. It's a good mix. I also like that the fucking comic has a story and a plot! The characters aren't just reacting to something. John Lynch has plans for the Team that may be a bit manipulative. But the Team's goal of controlling the world's new super crazies and keeping a lid on the chaos at least has them moving toward something. I'm pleasantly surprised that I'm enjoying Team 7.