"Defensive formation: PHARAOH'S TOMB!"
I think I'm actually looking forward to reading a comic where everyone is shooting guns wildly! I'm expecting this comic to be dumb fun, especially after this cover.
Oh! I was also informed by reader Jill Johansen that Team 7 was named Team 7 simply because they replaced Team 6. That's a pretty depressing way to name your teams. I think I prefer Suicide Squad. At least Amanda was up front about it.
Captain Sideburns: "Um, hey newbs! You guys will be called Team 1!"
Newb #1: "Cool! Will we be working with Team 2?"
Captain Sideburns: "Not exactly."
Okay. Everybody ready to learn the secret history of THE NEW 52?! I am!
The comic book begins by reminding me that Captain Sideburn's real name is John Lynch. I doubt I'll remember that since there are ten other people in this comic book whose names I need to remember. Team 7's first mission (if I'm reading the report name "T7-M1" correctly) was to secure a place called Facility 9. Captain Sideburns must have a mental condition that causes him to number everything. "Oh man! Testicle 2 is really fucking hurting right now!"
This one time, I was chopping Jalapenos and then went to the bathroom without thinking about it. Nobody ever says you have to wash your hands BEFORE you use the bathroom! Afterward, I had to head get something out of the car and as I was walking to the car, I suddenly had this intense feeling from my groin that kind of felt like I had to urinate. And each step I took, it began to feel less and less like an urge and more and more like HOLY FUCKING BURNING! I don't think this incident actually taught me anything.
So Team 7 is on their way to their first mission while John Lynch adds to his report that the biggest problem with Team 7 was Team 7. What an ass!
This is their plane. It's probably called Pink Slipper 4.
As they attempt to land on the floating prison, its defenses begin blasting away. Waller was supposed to put the puzzle pieces together and she apparently got them wrong because she had the cover image upside down. She said the defenses were off but they were exactly the opposite! They were on! And the crazy ass pilot, Ramos, was too crazy to see that the guns were tracking them. She dodges all of the lasers which proves she's the second best pilot in the world (Hal Jordan is probably the best) but she can't dodge the missiles!
"Pink Slipper 4 is hit! Initiate emergency procedure "Eating Taco Bell Before the Marathon!"
Kurt Lance wins the award of First Appearance of a Nineties Attitude in Issue #1.
Bronson just looks like an overly muscled Blue Beetle. Maybe I should be putting Ted Kord's face on him?
Waller gets everybody up to speed before they enter Facility 9. Apparently she learned everything she knows from John Lynch since the intelligence he gave the team left out "non-mission-relevant details." Sort of the way Amanda doesn't tell her Squad that Mitch Shelley can resurrect every time he dies. While they're arguing about the mission parameters and how to get inside, Cole Cash takes action by blowing a hole in the roof with some C4 he pulled out of his ass (I mean, Pouch 32) and jumping inside.
How does the rest of the team take him seriously with that stupid handkerchief on his face and all of those fucking pouches? Jesus Merino is completely making fun of Jim Lee and his Image buddies (especially Liefeld, amirite?) at this point. He's going to lose his fucking job!
The team finds a single person cowering under some wreckage. Dinah calls her a civilian but she's hiding a secret!
Darkness Falls sounds like it should be a drama on The CW.