Saturday, October 13, 2012

Batgirl #13

Joker! What lovely hair!

Dearest Diary,

Okay! Finally I'm ready to talk about it! I'm all stitched up, the blood has been washed out of my underwear, and I've ordered a new Batgirl costume from the old blind lady down the street that sews S&M outfits for the local Gotham pervs. If anybody is reading this and judging me for judging other people's sexual behaviours, well, now I'm judging you for reading my secret diary and my secret thoughts! Besides, Besides, every kind of sex is both totally disgusting and so super hot to me right now because of my lonely virgin status. I almost lost it to Dick Grayson but I really couldn't handle having to refer to my first as "Dick" for the rest of my life.

Okay, so remember where I left off? That cucking funt had just stabbed me in the back while I was trying to save the poor, mutilated car thief. Fucking Nightfell! I'd had it up to here with her! Since you don't have any eyes, Diary, I'm stretching my hand up way over my head for emphasis. Or simply for the explanation of "here," I guess. Not emphasis at all! Pardon me!

I decided to play the nearly dying beautiful young girl to keep Nightfell off her toes. And besides, even bleeding all over the floor, I looked flippin' hot in my Batgirl suit! You know the best part about chasing after bad guys every night and swinging from roof to roof? You can eat all the ice cream and doughnuts you want and you still look sexilicious in your tight leather Batgirl outfit.

Anyway, my plan works like a charm! Nightfelon calls up her mate, Bonerbreaker, and turns her back on me. Little does she know my new best friend, Batwoman, has already taken care of Nightfell's homegirls. And I was just about to take care of her!

Oh yeah! I went for the knock out punch! It's what I do!

I gotta say: Nightfell can take a punch! So I had to kick her in the face as well. I was a little woozy from all of the blood loss so I'm sorry to say that my witticisms while kicking her flat ass weren't quite up to par. It was sort of embarrassing and I'm glad the only person around to see it was a not too smart himself car thief.

My punches and kicks weren't quite hard enough to shut her up though. Probably because I was almost dead! But I must have knocked the sense out of her because she all of a sudden began telling me her life story! Really? And she takes off her mask! I mean, really really?!

Okay, sue me. I was lying when I said she had a flat ass. It's actually kind of terrific.

OMFG! Is my life weird or what?! Yet again, I had found myself up against a bad gal whose life paralleled mine to a creepy degree! Why does this keep happening to me?! It's like someone is writing my life story and every month they want me to look deep within myself and learn to be proud of who I managed to become even with so many adverse things happening to me! I wonder if this crap would be happening to me if I hadn't become Batgirl? Like I'd start a job at Burger King and I'd find that the other cashier working my shift was a hot redhead who also came from a broken family with a creepy ass brother and a powerful dad. But her dad was the head of the mob or something! And we'd totally hit it off and become besties but pretty soon I'd catch her stealing from the till and all the cracks would suddenly show through about how truly different we were! And she'd hate me forever because I'd try to convince her not to do stupid stuff like that but she'd just be all, "Gah! Whatever!" And with those two words (or exclamations. Or noises. Or whatever!), I'd know our friendship was truly done and next shift she'd be standing their by the fry cook snickering and making fun of my hair.

Anyhoots, Nightfell ends her story saying that it was this guy she met that killed and ate her family! But she didn't tell anyone because she wanted to be sent to Arkham! WTF?! She wanted to learn how to be crazy! Shit, girl! You already crazy if you want to go to Arkham to learn to be crazy! Oh damn! I should have said that to her! Bah!

After she got out, she found her boyfriend and he was the other tortured guy in the cage with the car thief!

Eww! I can't believe she dated that guy!

Anyboobs, we get back to fighting after she spills her guts and I'm still spilling mine all over the frickin' floor. I'm wondering where the hell Batwoman is when Ricky the car thief manages to grab one of Knightfell's arms and pin her to the cell! And suddenly the advantage is mine! I beat her ass to a pulp, bitches!

Okay, so it wasn't exactly fair. But I was nearly dead! You can't judge me, Diary! I'll stab you, see how you like it! Yeah, I thought so!

Oh! And get this? After I came out on top? In strolls flippin' Batwoman and the jerk cop that keeps aiming that stupid gun in my face. Sheesh! Thanks for nothing! Although I must say: Batwoman sure knows how to make an entrance, the way she strolls into a room with her hair falling across her breasts just right and her uniform allowing just the right amount of jiggle in all the right places. Woo boy! The boys must go nuts for that! Although since they have nuts, she doesn't want any part of them. Ha ha! That was a testicle joke!

How do Bruce and Dick and Tim run around Gotham all night with those things packed way up tight in their little spandex suits? So uncomfortable!

So everything turns out all right except after Detective McKenna says she's Nightfell is under arrest, she just leaves her to go restart her super villain career. What the hell is up with that?! I was so dizzy, I thought maybe I wasn't really seeing things straight. But she just let her go! Now I have to worry about that psycho running around Gotham? Like there aren't enough of those, amirite?!

After I got home, that was when Alysia introduced me to her new cat, Alaska. But I already wrote about that in another entry. Remember? I said it was weird because I'd had a cat like that when I was younger until my looney pants brother murdered it? Hmm. Maybe this is a bad omen. But I can't tell Alysia to get rid of it! Besides, it's soooo-SOOOOO cute! Maybe I'll just call it Al.

Oh! I gotta go, Diary! That's the phone! Kisses!

Batgirl #13 Rating: +1 Ranking. I just adore reading Batgirl now. She's so sassy and fun! This issue ended on a three page bit where Knightfell's goons are off getting Batgirl's Reboot enemies out of prison. You know, like The Mirror and Gretel and The Grotesque. Because Knightfell is staring a Rogue's Gallery for Batgirl! Yay!

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