Thursday, October 4, 2012

Justice League Dark #0

Once upon a time, John Constantine was into punk rock and had a real attitude. But seeing as how that would now make him in his mid-fifties, that means he was probably into punk rock around the turn of the millennium. Which means he was either being ironic or he was really out of touch with the fashion world. I guess people could have still acted punk rock in the late nineties. But it just wouldn't be the same, you know? Although he is into magic! So maybe he's a lot older than he looks and this story takes place in 1977. It does take place in New York City so he was probably deep into the scene. And maybe he even helped start the New York Punk scene.

Everyone knows the best black magic could be found at CGBG in the mid-seventies. I bet Constantine is time traveling! You know, before Flashpoint because this is a Zero Issue so there are exceptions. Fuck you! Lobdell did it in his stupid ass Superman comic in the stupidest moment of the New 52 so far!

Since this probably isn't a stupid time travel story that doesn't make any sense because Lemire has yet to prove to me that he's a complete dumbass like some of the other writers working at DC, Constantine is not going to CGBG to look for magick. He's going to a different club. It's a place called The Oblivion Bar and it's where all the best black magic can be found! Just like I said in the caption except I had the place wrong!

Specifically, John has come to find the legendary Nick Necro, whoever the fuck that is.

Aha! I knew CGBG was the place to go back in the day if you wanted the Black Magicks! Fuck all you doubters!

Before John can start a conversation with Nick, Zatanna appears and begins doing her magic act. I think an act that relied on a woman speaking backwards words which described the trick she was doing would suck balls. But she did do the act in a low cut corset and a dress with a huge slit up the side. So it was probably actually quite entertaining. Plus she could says, "Boob!" and you have no idea if she's casting a spell or just showing off the goods!

At this point in Constantine's career, it looks like he can't do much magic at all. He's come to Nick Necro to learn as much as he can. This is probably why the story takes place "Some time ago..." because nobody wants to nail down a time when Constantine couldn't do magic. Constantine takes out some guy mumbling about a "Cold Flame" before he can attack Nick and Zatanna. To thank Constantine, they decide to let him tag along. And then before actually reading the next page, I notice they're getting tattoos in the lower panel of the opposing page. Which means Nick Necro must be the mysterious guy from the end of Issue #12 that's looking for the Books of Magic and taking over the House of Secrets. But don't tell anybody!

Constantine and Zatanna apprentice under Nick Necro for a year or so. That's when they all get matching tattoos. But then Nick begins to go off the deep end, jonesing for the Books of Magic, getting wilder and wilder in his attempt to find them while never quite knowing if they actually exist. And during that time, Constantine and Zatanna began to develop a relationship. And since I called it a relationship, that means they aren't fucking yet. Otherwise I would have just said they had begun to fuck.

And then they begin to fuck. And Nicky doesn't quite like it.

Or maybe he's just sort of ambivalent about it.

Except he doesn't just leave and forget about them. Nick calls them up one night asking for help. But when they come to help him, it's an ambush. He's now working with the Cold Flame morons.

Zatanna's greatest weakness is Duct Tape.

John uses some punk rock lighter flamethrower move to break free from Nick while Zatanna kicks her guy in the balls. I think that's punk rock too! And then the final guard tries to throw a knife at John but John blocks the knife with Nick's chest. Chest dies in the Runed Circle and his soul goes to hell. No wonder John doesn't suspect that Nick Necro is the guy behind retrieving the Books of Magic. In the end, John gains all of the power and gets the girl. But as has been repeated multiple times this issue (and everywhere always): "Magic has its price." And John will certainly pay many times before between the end of this issue and where he's at now in Justice League Dark #13.

Justice League Dark #0 Rating: COME SWEET DEATH ONE LAST CARESS!

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