Thursday, October 25, 2012

Red Hood and the Outlaws #13

What's this? I thought they were going to friends! I'm so naive!

Just rereading my commentary on Red Hood and the Outlaws #0 and I realized throughout the commentary, I was guessing at the Joker being behind all of it in an off-hand, goofy way because of The Joker appearing in Batgirl's Zero Issue. And then when it actually turns out to be true, I just lose my fucking mind! I should have been gloating that I was on to Lobdell! But I instantly forgot my speculation from the audacity of that back-up Joker story. Man, that's funny. Although I do believe The Joker took Jason Todd's sibling. So expect a teenaged Joker sidekick at some point in the future! Maybe even part of Death of the Family!

Last issue, Starfire and Blackfire were having a good time reconciling. But after seeing this cover, it looks like maybe Blackfire was just biding her time since she was basically a captive on board Starfire's ship, the Starfire. Basically, her plan was to let Roy's convoluted plan that should never have worked or even been a plan last issue work, so that she could execute her own plan to get on board the Starfire and capture her sister! Scott Lobdell has got to stop this nonsense where everyone is planning everything and manipulating reality around them. And everyone keeps one upping everybody else's plans by somehow knowing the other plans which are horrible plans in their own rights.

I haven't even opened this comic book and I'm arguing with Lobdell's writing of it just on the assumptions I'm making looking at the cover and Lobdell's history of writing stories! Prove me wrong, sir! Prove me wrong.

Oh look! It's a surprise first page shocker.

No, no. Just kidding. It's the typical Lobdell/DeFalco first page tripe. Main character introduces himself. Gives a little back story on who he is (which is obviously still needed 13 issues in). Lots of Narration Boxes speaking directly to the reader as if the character is sitting beside the reader watching the show unfold. Those two bastards might be the same guy drawing two different paychecks at DC.

So The Blight has raped every Tamaranean on the planet, filling them with their seeds. Now they're just waiting for their young to explode out of the hearts of the populace when Starfire and Blackfire begin their assault by crash landing face first into the planet from orbit. Surprisingly, they survive. I guess one Tamaraneans have a high level of invulnerability that I wasn't aware of. I mean a really, really, really high level. And you can tell that it's a high level because of all the "reallies" I put in front of it. Is that the plural for really? Reallies? Anyway, Starfire climbs out of the crater that her and her sister's boobs made and begins blowing The Blight away.

Why does Starfire need guns? Earth guns, even! I don't think bullets are going to do much damage to fungus/virus/bacteria men. They were already shown to be susceptible to fire and light! So just blast them with your Starfire blast things!

Scott Lobdell continues to have all of the bad guys ever call all of the good guys ever "meat." And look! They understand that titties mean the meat is a female version. Awesome writing. Just killing it. Blowing me the fuck away here, Scottie.

The Blight roll in the tanks because why wouldn't a civilization based on viruses or whatever not evolve militarily in the same way as the meat races. I bet their tank sneezes snot instead of firing shells.

See? All loaded up with snot and ready to blow!

And then Jason Todd and Roy Harper and the rest of the crew show up for some reason. Even though at the end of last issue, they were supposed to stay behind while the Fire Sisters took care of everything themselves. Even the "in two months" tag line stated "two sisters against an empire" and they were specifically told not to help out.

There they are! Staying behind and waving goodbye while their little rebel minds contemplate disregarding direct orders!

You know what? Jason Todd and Roy Harper's arrival is just so exciting, I don't have the words for it. Why don't all y'all read this comic for awhile while I read some of Chris Ware's Building Stories. You can come up with funny comments to caption these images and I'll add them later.

Okay, I can't hold my tongue anymore. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP, ROY HARPER AKA SPEEDY!

I think if Roy Harper would stop with the lame, incessant Narration Boxing, and the enemies weren't making stupid cracks the whole time, I might be able to enjoy this story. But Scott Lobdell is doing his damnedest to ruin his own story. Maybe I should just black out all of the Narration Boxes before I read the story. It might be less frustrating!

No, it's not just the Boxes.

In the middle of the goofiness that is the war with The Blight, DePalo the Dominator (probably named after DeFalco) soliloquizes about his relationship with Starfire. He explains how her capacity for love is boundless and that his capacity for love as a Dominator is negligible.

The titties! They burn!

DePalo has this two page spread of touching memories because he's about to kill himself by self-destructing the Starfire nearby the Blight Command ship. Both ships are destroyed and now The Outlaws have a chance at winning! Also, I think this means Lobdell just wishes his buddy DeFalco would self-destruct.

But that's not the end of the tragedy that the team must endure before their victory can be complete! The Blight Lord takes one last shot with his gigantic and mighty Laser Gun Plasma Grenade Space Rocket Disintegration Phaser Javelin!

Roy! What did I tell you about shutting the fuck up?!

No! Just shut up!

Ugh. NO NO NO!

I'm not listening! LA LA LA LA!

Roy Harper really knows how to ruin a moment. He just fucking talks over everything. So Starfire blasts the shit out of the entire Blight army with one loud shout. Why didn't she do this earlier? I don't know. I guess she needed motivation. But then she flies up in the air with the Blight Lord and kisses him to death.

And Roy still won't shut the fucking fuck up.

So there you have it, kiddies! The world was saved by sea salt and baby kittens! Thank you! Good night! Sweet dreams! I know Roy's going to have a grown up dream about visiting the Animal Shelter with a bag of salt.

Except that's not actually the end of the story. Blackfire and Starfire have to talk about how much they love each other and how confusing the choice of covers for this issue was. And Blackfire needs to make sure a random panel is thrown in there where she's thinking about The Thirteen and how scary they're going to be when Lobdell gets around to that shitty cross-over event that actually must be really amazing because he keeps seeding it in the most plot-interrupting ways possible.

Blackfire: "I love you, sister! Please stay and rule with me!"
Starfire: "I would love to but I love my friends!"
Blackfire: "I'm so happy you found love and happiness with your friends!"
Starfire: "I'm so happy you are the Queen of a diseased people!"
Blackfire: "We're such a happy family again!"
Blackfire, thinking: "But I shall kill them all to save them all from The Thirteen!"
Starfire: "I'm glad we all love everything!"

And then back on Earth, the Joker gets a cameo as he's stealing one of Jason Todd's red hoods from his stash on the island where Starfire's ship crashed. I don't know how he knows about it. Stop thinking about things like that. Just fucking go with it. Apparently I need a lobotomy to enjoy this comic book. Maybe I should have done more acid when I was younger.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #13 Rating: -1 Ranking. Perhaps I've gone too far into the Scott Lobdell Hater Camp. Maybe I'll never be able to tell when he writes a good story because he's completely trained me to hate everything he writes. Oh well. We all have our faults!

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