Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Deathstroke #13

Holy fuck balls! A realistic gun on the cover of a Deathstroke comic!

Fucking Rob Liefeld. Why are my comic books still tainted with ideas? Were his plots so amazing that the DC editors felt they couldn't dump them? Or had they already paid for this work so they might as well use it. Oh, and let's get that Josh Williamson kid to script the sucker. He did a really great job destroying Voodoo for us.

The issue begins with yet another entry in Deathstroke's War Journal. But I'm not writing it out this time because it just keeps going and going and fuck me it's still going! And he's writing it in real time according to the verb tenses he's using.

That's not usually on his face, is it? Maybe that's his War Journal and the entire thing is dictated while he fights. He does supposedly use more brain power than everyone else on Earth.

Deathstroke even has time to record a flashback on his war journal about how Zealot came by earlier to fuck him. I'm surprised he didn't just record that in his war journal as it was going on.

But then Zealot showed up and since she's got a name, he graced her with his "Deathstroke," if you get my meaning! I mean his one-eyed Deathstroke! Wink, wink! Or blink, blink? How do you tell with someone with only one eye?

So after Deathstroke and Zealot fuck, they both immediately get back in their underwear to cuddle like real people do. That's what real people do after they fuck, right? I mean, of course it is! We all know that! As they're cuddling, Deathstork Deathstroke sees a missile about to hit his home. He's not sure how long before it hits his home though because he has no depth perception.

You would think Deathstroke would be more traumatized by his house being blasted by a rocket since that's how his wife and son died. And just a few issues ago, he was ready to kill himself because he missed them so much. I wonder if he'll pull the portrait of Adeline out of his boxer shorts and cry over it.

The missile was shot into Slade's house by Deadborn. Since he has "dead" in his name, my guess is he's from the Wildstorm universe.

He couldn't decide if an M-16 or a Magic Staff would complete his costume the best. So he went with both!

Why the name Deadborn? Was this guy's origin that he was stillborn but somehow fought back against reality and grew into a stillbaby and then a stillteenager until he finally became a fine figure of a stillman? Was that insensitive? Should I not have surmised that?

Deadborn acts crazy but Slade can tell he's just acting crazy so that Slade thinks he's crazy. But maybe he's pulling the old reverse no tell double bluff that Ann Nocenti and Green Arrow taught me all about. Maybe he is crazy but he's acting a different kind of crazy so that Deathstroke thinks he isn't crazy but he really is crazy!

You should just skip that last paragraph. I don't think it made any sense.

While Deathstroke and Deadborn fight in the flashback, Zealot suits up and ghost rides a motorcycle into Deadborn to distract him. This really is a Rob Liefeld plot, isn't it? There are guys bragging about being the best fighters. Guys bragging about banging broads while the woman he has sex with doesn't even get one line until page nine and then it's an incomplete sentence consisting of three words. A motorcycle gets driven into someone. Inane chatter happens when inane Narration Boxing isn't happening. And vice versa. It really is terrible.

Anyway, the flashback ends and we get back to the motorcycle chase. Did I mention the motorcycle chase? Well, there's a motorcycle chase!

Why is this comic all about people attacking Deathstroke? The only thing Liefeld did right was to have Deathstork Deathstroke act like a mercenary while trying to kill Lobo. Higgins had just as many people attacking Deathstroke as people being hunted by him.

After getting the prerequisite number of panels of jumping motorcycles, the two ditch the motorcycles to fight in a house carried on the back of a truck. And Deadborn reveals why he was called Deadborn!

Oh come on! I get half-credit for my earlier insensitive guesses, right?

They fight inside one traveling house and then end up in another traveling house because wherever Deathstroke lives, they have huge freeway lanes. Deathstroke takes the fight outside where Deadborn gets hung up on a wire. Deathstroke cuts Deadborn's arm off while Deadborn screams that he has the upper hand. Um. Is that a joke? But then Deadborn runs away without his arm. I mean, he doesn't retreat or flee! He just decides he doesn't want to finish the fight today.

Yeah, Deathstroke! Stop jumping to conclusions! Maybe his missile just got away from him and he didn't mean to blow up your house. And when he called for you to come out and accused you of hiding from a fight, he was talking about going down to the bar to watch a boxing match with him.

Basically what Deadborn says is that he had the advantage because during the entire fight, Deathstroke thought Deadborn wanted to kill him but Deadborn wasn't there to kill him. Oh fuck! Now that's an advantage, all right! How could Deathstroke fucking win when Deadborn was using that age old strategy! And after he flees, Deathstroke pouts and feels bad that someone can beat him up.

I get it, Deathstroke. You just killed Lobo and along comes some guy with a really shitty and insensitive name to people who have lost their children in utero and the writers decide he's better than you. What can you do? The writers have spoken! They decided to make a brand new character that came out of nowhere to be better than you (unless he's actually from Wildstorm. But I don't think so. Unless he is). That's got to hurt. Taken down by one of those no names you wouldn't even fuck.
Of course Deadborn was sent by Jericho. It seems none of the villains introduced in Zero Issues could bide their time. They're all immediately blowing their loads in the Thirteen Issues. Jericho just wanted to make sure Slade was still at the top of his game before he defeated him. Because Jericho, of fucking course, is a well-built, martial arts fighting master. Fuck the curly headed meek kid with the average body. That isn't extreme enough for the post-90's comic book world! Everyone has to be able to kick ass and self-promote their hardcore abilities.

And I'm fucking sick of each and every one of them.

Deathstroke #13 Rating: -2 Ranking. It pains me deep in brain that Deathstork Deathstroke is a shitastic piece of ninety's comic crap. Excuse me, I need to light some incense to get this Liefeld taint out of the air now.

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