I've reached the saturation point with Zero Issues. I actually reached that point last week sometime but I've only just gotten to the point that I barely even want to look at them. Most of them were really good to decent for the first two weeks. Unless I'm remembering incorrectly. And then a whole shitload of them punched me in the balls and now I feel too weak to continue. I think this comic book reading pace is going to have to slow down for awhile. I should finish my commentary on Genesis and put it out as an eBook. Or maybe sell it on Lulu or something. Does anybody care if I just make up Andrew Bennett's origin? No? Okay! Here we go!
England. 1591. The first half of Edmund Spenser's The Faerie Queene had just been published. Andrew Bennett's lover, Mary, had been sent away by his father because she was lower class and unfit to receive his love homunculi (that's Elizabethan for sperm). He boarded a carriage to chase after Mary even though it was a dark and stormy night. Exactly the kind of night one expects to be told a poorly written story. So keep reading, my dears! Ha ha ha ha ha!
What the fuck just happened? Did I turn into the Crypt Keeper? Perhaps my mind knows better than I? Wait. I am my mind. So how could it know better when it's actually me? Although it isn't a terribly bad idea to write all of my I, Vampire commentaries in the voice of the Crypt Keeper. Or better yet: a version of the Crypt Keeper that can only tell shitty stories instead of scary ones! That seems to be what my mind, I mean, what I was getting at in that last paragraph. Maybe my plan to write every commentary in a different voice was a sound one after all? Or maybe I just need to go to sleep. It's fucking five in the morning!
Sorry, Andrew Bennett, you'll have to wait until tomorrow. Or the next day.
Who cares what the last question was since your answer made no sense anyway.
The Story of Cain, the Sire of Them All
By Grunion Guy
By Grunion Guy
So Cain met this woman and sucked her blood so that he could survive. But he loved this woman for some reason. Cain hated himself for being a total dick. Until the woman came back to life. Cain was super happy that his curse could bring people back to life. Again, not really a curse! Hello!? Cain and his woman made lots and lots of baby vampires until Etrigan didn't want that happening anymore. So he cursed Cain with a totally new curse. This new curse cursed him with the curse that if he cursed a person innocent of curses, Cain would be cursed with a totally new curse.
The End! I think. Whatever. I'm done rewriting this dumb origin.
Well, that explains that! Although I think Biblical Cain is really making the rounds in The New 52.
I, Vampire #0 Rating: I really wasn't paying much attention. I think I've lost my passion for hating comic books! Thanks a lot, DC's Zero Month!