Wednesday, October 3, 2012

I, Vampire #0

I've reached the saturation point with Zero Issues. I actually reached that point last week sometime but I've only just gotten to the point that I barely even want to look at them. Most of them were really good to decent for the first two weeks. Unless I'm remembering incorrectly. And then a whole shitload of them punched me in the balls and now I feel too weak to continue. I think this comic book reading pace is going to have to slow down for awhile. I should finish my commentary on Genesis and put it out as an eBook. Or maybe sell it on Lulu or something. Does anybody care if I just make up Andrew Bennett's origin? No? Okay! Here we go!

England. 1591. The first half of Edmund Spenser's The Faerie Queene had just been published. Andrew Bennett's lover, Mary, had been sent away by his father because she was lower class and unfit to receive his love homunculi (that's Elizabethan for sperm). He boarded a carriage to chase after Mary even though it was a dark and stormy night. Exactly the kind of night one expects to be told a poorly written story. So keep reading, my dears! Ha ha ha ha ha!

What the fuck just happened? Did I turn into the Crypt Keeper? Perhaps my mind knows better than I? Wait. I am my mind. So how could it know better when it's actually me? Although it isn't a terribly bad idea to write all of my I, Vampire commentaries in the voice of the Crypt Keeper. Or better yet: a version of the Crypt Keeper that can only tell shitty stories instead of scary ones! That seems to be what my mind, I mean, what I was getting at in that last paragraph. Maybe my plan to write every commentary in a different voice was a sound one after all? Or maybe I just need to go to sleep. It's fucking five in the morning!

Sorry, Andrew Bennett, you'll have to wait until tomorrow. Or the next day.

Who cares what the last question was since your answer made no sense anyway.

Andrew Bennett finds himself in a horrible carriage accident. Trapped beneath it and stuck in the rain, Bennett is confronted by this nonsense speaking vampire. I think his name was Cain. That's the same name as the owner of The House of Mystery and the same name as the spirit of the Unknown Soldier! Is every mysterious, paranormal person in the DC Universe going to represent Cain? Maybe a few will represent Judas. I can't wait until one of them is the embodiment of drunken Noah. Cain proves he's an evil villain by telling Bennett his whole life story which I'll repeat here.

The Story of Cain, the Sire of Them All
By Grunion Guy

It was a dark and stormy night. Cain was cursed. That makes it sound like the Biblical Cain who was also cursed. Except his curse was that no man shall hurt or kill him. That sounds more like a blessing than a curse! People in the Old Testament were so confused! Like that time Noah was pissed off at his son so he decided to curse his son's son. Or his son's grandson. How should I remember? That book is totally confusing! I think this might be the same Cain as the Biblical Cain because DC Comics seems to think that by using Biblical characters to represent current characters, it infuses their characters with history and makes DC look interesting and postmodern. Unless it just makes them look modern. Or perhaps simply post. Whatever it is, it sure is something! If that something is done and tired!

So Cain met this woman and sucked her blood so that he could survive. But he loved this woman for some reason. Cain hated himself for being a total dick. Until the woman came back to life. Cain was super happy that his curse could bring people back to life. Again, not really a curse! Hello!? Cain and his woman made lots and lots of baby vampires until Etrigan didn't want that happening anymore. So he cursed Cain with a totally new curse. This new curse cursed him with the curse that if he cursed a person innocent of curses, Cain would be cursed with a totally new curse.

The End! I think. Whatever. I'm done rewriting this dumb origin.

Apparently Bennett was this innocent because Cain bites him and becomes imprisoned inside Bennett. I guess that's also why Bennett became a good vampire instead of a cool emo douchebag.

Well, that explains that! Although I think Biblical Cain is really making the rounds in The New 52.

After this, Bennett delivers a note to Mary and Shakespeare writes a sonnet about their love. Or something. Whatever. Fucking Zero Issues. Five left!

I, Vampire #0 Rating: I really wasn't paying much attention. I think I've lost my passion for hating comic books! Thanks a lot, DC's Zero Month!

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