Action Comics #13

Is that Krypto's collar?!

Last issue was the Zero Issue with many, many origin stories about many different things in Superman's life. This issue begins with the origin of the Phantom Zone.

This whole Halloween on Krypton thing is the kind of silly stuff you can get away with when you use an actual Omniscient Narrator. But when Roy Harper or Slade Wilson does this, it takes five days off the end of my life.

Doctor Xa-Du must proclaim himself The Phantom King of the Phantom Zone as soon as he enters since he'll be the only guy there for awhile. I'm not sure how any of the new villains who enter will overthrow him since they'll be dematerialized. Although my guess is that everyone in the Phantom Zone can interact with everyone else in the Phantom Zone. Especially since Doctor Xa-Du comes out with Krypto's collar. And hopefully Krypto as well!

Boy, the people of Krypton sure got ugly since Travel Foreman took over the art.

Meanwhile in the present, Superman is decorating his Fortress of Solitude with artifacts from the Bottle City of Kandor. I guess Batman Ray Paler helped him out with a reverse shrinking ray and Superman has been stealing things from the city. Why not? What can those stupid ass tiny Kandoorians do? Shake their tiny impotent fists at him? Ha! They're lucky Superman doesn't stick his dick in their jar and give them all a Kryptonian Golden Shower.

As Superman gets ready to head out to pursue a job for Superman, he hears something deep within his fortress.

Ewww! Gross! The Phantom Zone really does a number on a person's skin.

I guess Doctor Xa-Du figured out a way to watch people from within the Phantom Zone. He probably created a whole society of immortal assholes. He might even be able to tell Superman about Superman's mom and dad. He might even know what position was used to conceive little Kal-el!

The next page shows Superman looking into a mirror confused and insisting he heard something. Looks like Doctor Xa-Du can watch from inside the Phantom Zone. Luckily for Doctor Xa-Du (and Krypto!), Superman had already unmicronized the Phantom Zoning Machine from the City of Kandor. He had no idea what it did but he suddenly noticed it was cracked and their were paw prints across its surface. Fucking dogs break everything.

While Kal-el is inspecting the dog prints, Doctor Xa-Du somehow activates the machine and launches Superman into the Phantom Zone where Zod and a whole bunch of other miscreants that Morrison probably dug out of old one issue stories from the past lie in wait to ambush Supes. And Doctor Xa-Du materializes outside of the Phantom Zone where he can feel once again. I bet he's hungry. Too bad no place delivers to the Fortress of Solitude.

After years of not really being able to hear himself, Xa-Du soliloquizes all over the place. Superman can't see anything in the Phantom Zone but he realizes the other people trapped in the Phantom Zone can indeed see and possibly see out of it. As he wrestles with one of them, he takes some goggles from the person's head and puts them on. He can now see too! I guess the Phantom Zone has workshops and shit.

Superman remembers the paw prints and a faint memory from when he was a baby of the big white dog that dove into the Phantom Zone. He whistles and Krypto comes running to save his master's son!

Inside the Zone, Superman meets a phantom stranger! Watch out, Superman! He's going to betray you!

The Phantom Stranger was sucked into the Phantom Zone mysteriously. Maybe the Font in the Sky shoved him there so that he could betray Superman and lose one of his silver coins. Or perhaps the Font in the Sky couldn't resist the joke. Or maybe he really did innocently get dematerialized. However he ended up there, it doesn't really matter. He can get out easily. But he needs Superman to find a way out so that he can stop Doctor Xa-Du from destroying Earth.

According to Mythbusters, dogs really can smell something light years away.

Superman manages to steal Doctor Xa-Du's Ecto-suit by pure force of will, perhaps like the criminal that had been able to reach its fist out of the Phantom Zone years earlier before Krypton exploded. Doctor Xa-Du fades back into the Phantom Zone and Superman activates the mechanism to release himself. But Krypto is still stuck in the Zone.

Someone's been watching the saddest episode of Futurama ever.

After Superman escapes, the Ecto-suit mostly disintegrates. But one gloves is still left. Superman uses it to reach into the Phantom Zone and pull Krypto out by his collar. Krypto is near death but Superman takes him for a space walk in the nice yellow sun and he begins to feel better.

I bet Kryptonian White Wolf Dogs eat people.

Afterward, the Little Man from Another Place recruits Doctor Xa-Du into his Super Revenge League. And then it's time for a back-up story!

The back-up story is an evil story full of manipulative animal love engineered to bring anybody with a love of animals to their weeping knees. But since I am an unfeeling bastard, I did not feel a thing! Nope! I don't know what tears are, Sholly Fisch and Brad Walker! Go manipulate some other sorry bastard!

*sniffle* Oh, fuck you!

Action Comics #13 Rating: +1/2 Ranking! Scott Snyder still hasn't deserved to fall from first yet although this Death of the Family crossover might be the death of Batman at #1! I hope not. But if the whole "Joker created Jason Todd's Robin" thing stands, I'll hate it on principle.