Doomed #4

Poor Wonder Girl! She thought she was free from being written by Lobdell!

Last night I put away my huge stack of comic books from the last few months. I also reorganized the six short boxes which housed the current DC titles (along with a bunch that had been cancelled since last I put comic books away). I used two of the boxes to to hold cancelled titles and four of the boxes for the current titles. When I was done, I was left with a stack of comic books twice as tall as when I had begun! I think I broke some laws of physics last night!

Before I begin commenting on Doomed, let me present a cheat sheet for how I'm discussing it so that anybody reading this isn't confused. This is obviously Scott Lobdell's DC version of Spider-man. So I'll be calling the main character Peter and his monstrous alter-ego, Doomed-man. The girl he works with at STAR Labs is Mary Jayne (I think her real name is Jayne?). The homeless girl he almost had sex with is Gwen. And his old, decrepit aunt is, of course, Aunt May. I just wanted everybody to understand this so they didn't accidentally think I was doing reviews on Marvel comics which would negate my exclusivity contract with DC Comics and kill my Mountain Dew endorsement deal.

The comic book begins with Doomed-man being punched over and over again by Wonder Girl. The action scene is ruined by Doomed-man thinking too many poorly written thoughts to himself. He thinks things like "That hurt. A lot" and "This girl is hardcore" and "She punches like she's got two battleships taped to her wrists!" That last one was so clever that it needed an exclamation point. What kind of horrible, awful, sexually harassing editor who loves to blackmail people would allow this kind of shoddy writing to make it to publication?

This would reflect poorly on Wonder Girl's character if she had even just once since The New 52 began acted heroically.

This scene began with a "NOW" caption so I'm afraid I'm going to be forced to read the situation that led up to this battle that means nothing. Why are Wonder Girl and Doomed-man fighting? No reason! It's not like it's going to move any kind of plot along because the fight between them is, most likely, the entire plot. So sit back and enjoy a bit of story which probably took less time for Scott Lobdell to write than it takes for Eddie Berganza to come in his pants while rubbing up against women at the crowded office Christmas party.

The flashback comes (just like Eddie on a crowded subway!) just as the fight between Doomed-man and Wonder Girl was not getting any more interesting. One half hour earlier, Peter decided it would be a good idea to ring Aunt May's doorbell while still looking like Doomed-man. I bet he gets hit with a purse! Or a broom!

Doomed-man doesn't actually reveal himself to Aunt May. He chickens out at the last instant and heads over to the abandoned amusement park. Metropolis sure has a lot of abandoned places to not bring your kids. A zoo last issue and now a park. I bet the Collateral Superman Damage Insurance was just too expensive and shut a lot of places down.

Don't worry, Peter. You'll only have to put up with this crap for a couple more issues. And then you'll cease to exist because who the fuck is going to care about this character ever reappearing in the DC Universe?

Doomed-man blows his load and creates a huge crater in the abandoned amusement park. Since his transformations take place when he gets sexually excited, it only makes sense that he turns back into Peter after he orgasms. He passes out in his "webstuff" and is then approached by Gwen. She speaks "monstre" to him (that's the stupid name of the stupid language that Peter suddenly knows how to speak as Doomed-man) and he transforms back into a naked boy.

This is about par for Wonder Girl's characterization since the Reboot. So unlikeable!

At the end of the last issue, The Elite arrived to help take care of the Metropolis Monster. But being that Scott Lobdell simply begins writing new stories every month instead of continuing the stories from the previous month, he's now decided he only wants to write Wonder Girl in this issue (Alternate Theory: Eddie Berganza was too busy groping women to do his job). So the explanation for Kid Flash and Power Girl not appearing in this issue? Wonder Girl "ordered them away." And never you fucking mind where she sent them! What does that have to do with the plot of Doomed-man fighting Wonder Girl? That's just extraneous bullshit that doesn't add drama or tension.

Other people who take off their containment suits while scrubbing down a quarantine room full of weird ass shit do fucking deserve it. You know, like you do. Totally fair. Asshole.

As Peter tries to cover up his shame (his nakedness, not his horrible characterization), Wonder Girl breaks through the roof and says, "You're going down, Monster Man." Of course it triggers his transformation. Seriously, if a beautiful woman smashes into the room and says something like that to me, I'm going to go full boner too! And so the comic book returns to where it started. It should have never started there in the first place. Just fucking start your story from the beginning if you're going to tell the whole story anyway. The only reason to begin in the middle is because you're going to continue from the middle.

Doomed-man saves Wonder Girl from being crushed as she tries to kill him which is the tired old way of showing the hero that the person they're fighting isn't a bad person at all. Wonder Girl lassos him with her Baby Lasso of Truth and he turns back into a human boy. Good thing because that erotic asphyxiation stuff can be really dangerous and awesome feeling.

Wonder Girl tells Peter that with great monstrosity comes great responsibility. Then she gives him Red Robin's phone number so that asshole can deal with him. And then she leaves!

On the final page, Mary Jayne discovers that the head of Doomsday was the last thing in the quarantine room (which she's still calling a Clean Room because she's a stupid fucking jerko). And then Superman shows up because he doesn't have any respect for private property and he doesn't know how to knock and he may actually be looking for some heavy anal fisting action because he's got red handkerchiefs hanging out of his pockets.

Doomed #4 Rating: -2 Ranking. The point of this issue was for Wonder Girl to sympathize with Doomed-man because she's like him with her invisible hate armor which turns her into a monster as well. But she's learned how to control it and has decided she's not a danger to anybody anymore even though she's a completely selfish asshole. When she discovers that Doomed-man is just a kid named Peter Parker who can't control his powers, she tells him he's going to be okay and allows him to run free in Metropolis. Yay for sympathetic bonding that leaves the entire population of Metropolis at risk! Somebody didn't learn anything about great responsibility and great power! It's one thing to trust him if he can control his powers. But to leave him alone without any help is completely irresponsible. But Scott Lobdell doesn't give a shit about the world the characters live in. He just wants to have two teenagers trust each other and have faith in each other and to point out that the adult world is bullshit, amirite?! Fuck those STAR assholes! They're exactly like NOWHERE! High five! Seriously though. This almost could have possibly been a decent issue if the characters weren't being written as if they live in a vacuum. I hope Doomed-man destroys Metropolis next issue.

Black Canary #4

Ashes on Sunday is over, Bo.

I swear I just had two different topics I wanted to discuss before getting into the comic book but then I surfed the web and now I can't remember what they were. It's probably a good thing because they definitely would have been presented in a patronizing and condescending manner. So if you'd just do me a favor and try to feel like I just wagged my finger in your face while lecturing you about something totally obvious then you'll be in the proper frame of mind (a little angry, a little ashamed, quite a bit confused) to read the rest of this review.

Whatever happened in the plot last issue doesn't matter because DC Comics sold it to me for $2.99 before it was finished. It only had sixteen pages of comic as opposed to the usual twenty! Sure, sure. They threw in two pages of Burnside Tofu. But fuck that! If I wanted to pay for a shitty 'zine raving about the garbage local music scene, I have about twenty thousand to choose from down at Powell's. I suppose I should at least remind everybody (including my future self) that Ditto was kidnapped by ex-Ashes on Sunday singer Bo Maeve because Bo learned that Ditto was an alien and could give people super powers with her blood. Although Bo's main motivation may be just to fuck up her ex-band-mates new gig. She seems shallow enough to risk federal kidnapping charges for petty revenge.

Since Ditto doesn't talk, we're in for a constant barrage of self-promotion and not-so-humble brags from Bo.

"Obvi"? Who says "obvi"?! It obs should be "obs"! Who wants to take the time to say two whole syllables?!

I hope Bo has a lot of ninja friends because Black Canary is going to try to tear her face off later in this comic book. But I don't think Bo's the type to have many friends because she just loves talking about herself too much. Nobody likes those kinds of friends! That's why I don't encourage my friends to read my comic book blog. They think it's all about comic books so they don't read it. But it's actually all about me! Which, if they knew that, they'd probably read it. But I don't want them to know how much I love talking about myself so I let them believe this blog is actually about comic books. Good thing my friends are idiots!

Bo decides to tell Ditto about how she learned to dance because that will probably become important later. Remember how Black Canary sucks at on-stage choreography? But Bo is amazing at it? Do you see what I'm getting at? Black Canary and Bo are probably going to scissor each other's faces! If I were an artist, I would totally draw that but I'm just a wordsmith so here's my word picture of Dinah and Bo pulling off the incredibly dangerous Scissors-69:

SMASH SMASH DRIP LICK LICK GRIND GRIND GRIND PANT PANT GASP LICK POOT GIGGLE GRIND BUMP DRIP BUMP MINOR FINGER EXPLORATION LICK GRIND SMASH DRIP DRIP PUMP GRIND LICK SLOBBER LICK GASP MOAN GROAN CHIP TOOTH GRIND LICK LICK GRIND FASTER GRIND TONGUE (PAUSE TO PULL PUBE OUT OF BACK OF THROAT) CRAMP LICK FASTEST BUMP AND GRIND AND SMASH AND FEMALE EJACULATE GAG COUGH CUDDLE NAP STEAL BLANKETS SNORE VIBRATOR.

I'm just assuming that when two women engage in sex it ends exactly how sex between a man and a woman ends.

Bo's flashback seems like it might be a bit of the old unreliable narrator. I would expect no less from my new all-time favorite character ever, Bo Maeve!

It must be hard for kids today to be the biggest fan of something. I know how desperately you all need to prove to everybody else that you're the biggest most ultimate fan of all-time when it comes to whatever you're fangendering over. But how is that even possible when you're competing with everybody else on the internet? You're going to waste your life trying to be the ultimate fan when their are so many people who have already wasted more years than you were born being the ultimate fan of whatever you've just discovered! It was so much easier to be the biggest fan of something before the internet. You just had to hang posters in your locker and wear only shirts of the band (or whatever!) you were the biggest fan of until everybody in your circle and, hopefully, in your school associated you with your obsession. Now if you're a fan of something, you're just an inconsequential buoy in a sea of rabid fans. The only way to stand out is to completely throw your life away in service to your fandom! It's really pretty pathetic.

By the way, don't even try to be Bo Maeve's biggest fan because that's me, you hear? I'm declaring it right now. Just like I declared I was the biggest fan of Maps (still am), Alysia Yeoh (yup, still me), 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 (I don't know. I've kind of lost interest since she's being written by Cullen Bunn), and Vampire Tig (Totally the masturbating president of that fan club still!). I'm probably the biggest fan of other characters too but I don't remember them offhand which doesn't mean I don't love them more than you because I do. It just means I have memory problems and you can't make fun of me for that because it's a medical condition called, um, Memoroflogiston. You don't want to be a Memorflogistonphobe, do you?

Bo mentions the first name of the band was Alas Insane. I'm so going to have an Alas Insane t-shirt made up and hang Alas Insane posters on my non-existent locker! Right over the top of my Dale Eaglesham Secret Six covers I've got hanging there now! I don't care! I'm so obsessed with Bo that my boner just curved the wrong way (because it's so rock hard!). I hope that's an actual thing or else people might guess I'm lying. I mean assume I'm lying about my boner which I'm not because I'm a huge fan (huge! Get it?! That's a lie about the size of my boner that I hope you believe!).

I guess Bo was kicked out of the band before they became Ashes on Sunday. I hope so because I've always hated that name. Always!

Bo is my total favorite. I'm glad I mentioned how she was my favorite immediately upon her first appearance to prove that I liked her first and I didn't add it to the older commentary just now at all!

Black Canary recruits Frankie to help track down Bo because she's planting the seeds for a new Birds of Prey book that won't be super terrible like the one written by Duane Swierczynski. I find it weird that I can remember how to spell his last name after all this time but I still want to keep calling him "Dwayne."

Annie Wu isn't drawing this issue for some reason that probably isn't that she's being super lazy. Instead the artist is Pia Guerra whose art is great as you've seen by the spectacular Bo moments which make my heart burst with fan-love. But sometimes--just sometimes!--she slips into Steve Dillon territory.

I've seen this Dinah before! Back when she was named Tulip and was starring in Preacher!

Black Canary has to go help the woman outside by fighting the man stealing the car. Her fighting is a lot like Bo's dancing because I said it would be and that was how she would solve the problem of being a cold and/or dead fish on stage. But she still needs help perfecting the changes from fighting to dancing. That means Bo will soon be living on the tour bus with the other characters.

Bo decides to have another flashback about the day she was replaced by Black Canary. On that day, Bo accidentally set the studio on fire. Maybe it wasn't even Bo who set the fire because Dinah just happens to have a bad history with fire! Remember that time all of her belongings and her Dojo burned down because of Batgirl's incendiary device stashed in her Mobile Bat Cave? And I think when she killed Kurt, fire was probably part of the explosion of the island. And that time Katana blew up a building full of people in Birds of Prey! There was fire there too even though the Birds of Prey didn't face any consequences for that. What I'm trying to say is Bo wouldn't hurt anybody on purpose! At least not anybody who was not trying to steal her spotlight.

Black Canary puts out the fire by yelling which is totally a thing that makes sense. Bo saw Dinah use her power which is why she kidnapped Ditto when she found out that Ditto is key to gaining that power. So Bo takes Ditto to Amanda Waller which is a really bad idea because it makes me remember Duane Swierczynski's version of Birds of Prey. I'm pretty sure that gave me the post dramatic stresses.

A ninja in white (that means it's a good ninja! Stormshadow taught me that!) rescues Ditto from Waller after Bo is taken away by Waller's guards to be prepped for super power acquisition. And then the mystery ninja drops Ditto off at Dinah's motel! I guess everybody can get back to the tour now.

Lucky for Bo, Amanda still had some samples of Ditto Extract. She's injected and becomes just as loud as Black Canary! But she's going to become the more elegant, sexier, more likeable version of Black Canary. I'm sick of Dinah Grumpypants! If only there were a popular way of expressing which side I was on when you have two characters that are battling against each other in the pursuit of some goal! I would say that if it existed but it must not or I would know of it.

Black Canary #4 Rating: No change. Wait! Before I lock in this month's ranking, I need to count the number of pages this issue! DC owes me at least two pages of Black Canary thanks to the eighteen page issue presented last month (sixteen if I'm being stingy and disqualifying the Burnside Tofu pages). If this book has over twenty pages, I can increase the ranking because I thoroughly enjoyed Bo and her dancing. But if it only has twenty pages, I'm in an ethical quandary. I cannot raise the rank on this comic book until I am given back the two pages I paid for last month and didn't receive. The good news is this issue was twenty pages long and thus was exactly what I paid for. The bad news is this issue was twenty pages long and DC Comics still owes me two pages of Black Canary. Figure out how you're going to satisfy me, DC! Until then, this comic book will never get a good ranking again!

Doctor Fate #4

Symbolism!

Our economy is like seats on an airliner. The corporations we're all destined to be shackled to throughout our life decide how much leg space we have. We accept or never fly (I've chosen not to fly! For now!). If corporations treat their employees kindly, we have lots and lots of foot room! We don't need to recline our seats or anything. Although if we do choose to recline our seats, it doesn't bother the person behind us because we all have plenty of room. But if corporations are assholes because some old fuckfaced jelly bean lover tore down the tax rates on the upper, upper, upper end of income because he didn't truly believe in "trickle down" economics ("trickle down" was actually already happening because when somebody is getting taxed at a rate of 99% on the upper, upper, upper end of their income, instead of accepting that 1% and giving up 99% to the government, they tend to put it back into the company which means higher wages for employees, better benefits, Beer Fridays, etc.) and actually believed in putting more money into the bank accounts of the already extremely wealthy, then the space between seats is reduced to a really uncomfortable and limited area. Now the only way to feel comfortable is to recline your seat which only makes the person behind you more uncomfortable and forces them to make a decision as to whether or not they're going to recline and continue the cycle. Now the workers are all fighting for scraps. Also the drink service sucks because the flight attendants are rabid dogs who have never learned how to open cans because they can't stop biting people. Also they're afraid of liquids.

I hate analogies no matter how fun they are to use to point out to somebody something which is too complex to state plainly and also might not make your argument look so good. So it's always better to think up a situation that makes your side sound so patently obvious that the other person would be a moron to not agree with you. Then you just change the analogy back to the original situation and yell, "AHA! You do agree with me!" Hopefully the other person says "Yes, I guess I do!" rather than choosing to punch you in the face for being a huge smart ass.

What I'm trying to say is that removing the burden of huge taxes on the extremely wealthy's upper, upper, upper end of their income (and not, as advocates for tax breaks on the wealthy would have you believe, the burden of huge taxes on all of a wealthy person's income. Everybody, rich and poor, are taxed exactly the same amount as everybody else on the money they make (excluding loopholes). Learn how taxes work, assholes) has destroyed the middle class by teaching CEOs and other high ranking corporate bastards that more money is simply more money! So not only did money not get reinvested into corporations by the Trickle Down Myth, CEOs realized they could make even more money (now that it wasn't taxed away to nothing) by lowering wages, removing benefits, taking away Beer Fridays, and et cetera. America!

What does any of that have to do with Doctor Fate? Well, nothing. It's just that I hate people who use umbrellas because they're taking up more space on the streets than they need, sending water that should have gone onto their heads onto me instead, and often don't realize how many times they almost pop open passersby's eyes. Selfish bastards.

Currently, Kent is in class learning about science! I think he's learning about science. I'm not sure I'd stick with this class if my "Medicine, Genes, and Cells" professor told me that "Being a doctor is part science, part theater, and a hint of magician as..." (her dialogue box fades out but I think I got enough). I want a doctor who believes being a doctor is all science! I don't want her reciting Shakespeare or pulling a rabbit out of my colon! Drop the course, Kent!

Holy fuck! His cat died and you're telling him to buck up while misquoting Through the Looking-Glass?! Don't just drop that course! Drop Shaya too!

For most of the rest of the book, Khalid--or Kent, I guess--learns how to use the helmet. He decides to go pray to some ancient Gods at a rebuilt and restored (stolen) temple in some museum in Brooklyn. He seems to finally give in and accept that he needs to learn to use the helmet to save the world. Of course after learning a bit, he tries to give the helmet back and declares he's not strong enough to be Doctor Fate. Then he goes back to believing that the whole fucking thing is a hallucination or some kind of drug-induced paranoia.

The caterpillar never asked Alice to smoke anything. Stop getting Lewis Carroll books wrong.

I get it! Khalid doesn't want to be a hero! He's reluctant! How many issues are we going to waste on this wishy-washy behavior?! Better books than this have gone to their graves dillydallying like this. You've got your point across. Khalid is unsure about his ability! Now just force him into a fight with Anubis already.

Oh hey guys! Khalid doesn't want to be a hero!

The Sphinx tells Khalid that to defeat Anubis, he must give Anubis what he wants most in all the world. Beggin' Strips?

Khalid saves some people on the way home because that's what he should be doing, even if it was a pretty boring rescue and not something I'd want to read about every month. And then he begins to wonder how Anubis is destroying the world when Jesus and Allah have so many people worshiping them. Yeah! And what about Krishna?! And Buddha! And me! We're all way stronger than Anubis! And most of us other gods spend nearly zero percent of our lives licking our balls. It would be exactly zero percent but occasionally Krishna drips some butter on his balls and just goes to town. That guy just can't get enough of that stuff.

Khalid somehow comes to the conclusion that God helps those who help themselves. Which basically means God doesn't do shit. Hey, guess what I do! I help those who help themselves too! Fucking philanthropist right here! After Khalid has this revelation (with the help of remembering Oh God), Bast reappears and tells Khalid it is time to Fate up. And the Next Month Blurb says, "Confrontation". Bullshit! That's what it said at the end of the last issue! I'm not going to wait around for it much longer! It's not like I was promised a blow job!

Doctor Fate #4 Rating: -2 Ranking. Get on with the story, Levitz! So far you've written four issues of Khalid saying dopey shit like "Am I on drugs?" and "This can't be happening!" He's said it many different ways across several different panels throughout all four issues. I'm bored. I'm so fucking bored that I just broke the head off of my Doctor Fate Super Powers figure and screamed, "Do something! Just do something, asshole!" Now I'm sort of bummed that I did that because I don't think the Doctor Fate Super Powers Action Figure can actually do magic to restore itself.

The New Teen Titans #37 (November 1987)

Raven begins juicing Dick with Love Power so she can finally get a little non-Wally West action. She needs a guy who can last in the sack, amirite? Starfire somehow gets off the hook for murder while Wildebeest escapes to fuck with the Titans later. It’s a good thing they kept his face secret during this entire story line so when his face was finally revealed and nobody recognized him, everybody would be shocked. "Oh my God! It's none of the people we've seen anywhere in this comic book so far! What a twist!" Also, he removes the face which was just a mask anyway. Double twist! He’s not the guy you didn’t recognize at all! But since his only motivation is to kill the Titans, it must be Deathstork. Or some other family member of one of the other Titans, based on story arcs so far. Except Dick's family. They're dead.

Number of Issue In Which The Titans Help Save the World And/Or Anybody But Themselves: 3 out of 37.

Prez #4

Free Selina!

I think it's about time I give it up and move on. I'm not willing to do videos or podcasts which means I've about reached the limit of my audience for this thing where I string bunches and bunches of words together. Besides, everybody really believes that thing Bacon or Marlowe said about brevity being the soul of wit since it justifies their shitty attention spans. The only issue with quitting the long-winded review format is figuring out what to do with all of the extra time I'll have. I guess there are always video games.

This issue has a different artist than the previous artist whose work I enjoyed so much that I can't remember his name. Was it Ben Caldwell? I think it was Ben Caldwell! Good job, brain! Have a molly! Good boy or girl!

On the second page, Prez Rickard mentions "Tinder" and I breathe a sigh of relief knowing this comic is totally modern. I can't stand those old comics by people like Dan Jurgens and other people like Dan Jurgens that don't realize time has moved past 1987. Granted, I might be one of those people seeing as how I'm still using the written format to express myself. I really should learn how to smile and maybe clean the blood stains off of my teeth so I at least have the option of appearing on camera. Although most of those YouTube videos use that quick cut editing because nobody is actually that upbeat in real life, right? Maybe I would fit right in with the proper editing! "Hey hey FUCK OFF YOU ASSHOLES this comic book was HOLY SHITFIRE decent!" See? I can make that work with a few cuts!

Well, at least the perceptive people now know what happened to Caldwell.

The previous scan shows the first really weak point in Mark Russell's vision of the future. He's finally shown a flaw in his writing. Twitter won the social media wars? Twitter is shit. Twitter is the illusion of interaction. Somebody tweets something funny and then dozens of their followers tweet horribly unfunny jokes back at them. Or they tweet mean-spirited shit in the hopes of getting noticed by the more famous person who then responds, thus inundating the mean person with loads and loads of unfunny and desperate tweets from the more famous person's idiotic fans. Some people on Twitter use it as a way to seemingly really interact with their fans, people like Sail Gimone (name changed to protect the innocent (me!) from angry rampaging Oregon androids (Sail Gimone!)). But that's just because she (or he!) has to maintain the illusion that he (or she!) is not actually a murderous android who has enslaved all of the residents of the small Oregon town where she (or he!) lives. And I can't support a social media site whose best feature is the ability to help evil monsters maintain their illusions of upstanding, hilarious, good-hearted personage.

Beth recruits her old boss as her new chief of staff. I bet she does it so she can make her do embarrassing things like speak in front of Congress or answer interviewer questions on live television!

While American service men (nerds in recliners remote controlling big robots with bigger guns) murder non-Americans to protect your freedom which you'll thank them for because you're whatever sheep call their version of sheep, Beth has a chat with Senator Thorn during the inaugural ball. Do I have to point out how his name is "thorn" or is that patently obvious? Did I use "patently" correctly there? How about "obvious"? Maybe I should do podcasts where I can't second guess my word choices after every sentence I utter.

Saying things are as dead as Jheri curl is as dead as Jheri curl. Jheri curl is so dead that I should probably stick a picture of eighties Lionel Richie here so that people know what the fuck it is.

While Beth deals with the repercussions of American robot-controlled soldiers killing brown people around the world, Fred Wayne is introduced to the readers. In his biography, it's mentioned that he bought the state of Delaware in 2029. That's only fourteen years away! I guess Bruce must have already gotten Madison pregnant because no way is Damian going to have a kid soon enough for Fred Wayne's existence to make sense. Unless time travel was involved! I bet that's it!

Oh man. This whole pig-fucking subplot couldn't be any more timely! Don't you think, David "Bae of Pigs" Cameron?

Beth and her friends relax in the presidential movie theater watching a show about Night Justice!

Fucking brilliant.

Why am I even writing "commentary" to this comic book? My entire "review" should simply read "Go read this, you ignorant assholes!" Reading my writing on Mark Russell's Prez is like looking at a turd left by somebody who just ate a meal at a Michelin Star restaurant.

Beth runs from the theater crying as "art" makes her realize "truth." Has anybody ever pointed that out before? That seems like something somebody should have written an essay about by now.

Meanwhile, the man who shot the boy playing soccer getting shot by an American service man video is about to be tortured in Guantanamo Bay. He's treated like crap because that's what happens when you train soldiers to battle. They need enemies and now they have them. Muslims! Just like American police believe that black people are enemies! Yay for training people who are supposed to be protectors to view the world as us versus them, thus making them aggressors instead! USA! USA!

Um, anyway, over in Guantanamo, the Powers That Wannabe test out a new security bot with its own artificial intelligence on some of the captives. It murders them all. Success! It's almost as clever as the Panopticon invented twenty two years earlier but lost in the Sound thanks to Oliver Queen!

Oh shit. Seven Brides for Seven Brothers?! He's going to learn how to kidnap and rape!

I can't be the only one who refers to that movie as Seven Brides for Seven Kidnapping Rapists, can I?

Meanwhile, Fred Wayne is fighting injustice in the Fred Wayne way! He saw all that pig farm pork bill bullshit and has decided to buy properties next to politicians who helped pass the law. He's then turning those properties into pig farms. Using an old trick from the horror movie Hotel Hell, Fred has set up a sign for his Hello Farms with a bunch of the lights out so that the sign reads, "Welcome to Hell".

Beth decides she wants to shut down the American Robot Sentry program all over the world. So that discussion is being waged by people who actually think about things because Beth's cabinet is full of people with thoughts as opposed to people with open mouths ready to orally pleasure the person who gave them the job. While that meeting takes place, War Beast escapes and heads to Miami. Probably to sing and dance and kidnap a bunch of women.

Prez #4 Rating: +2 Ranking. Go read this, you ignorant assholes!

Martian Manhunter #4

If I were a martian and I came to Earth to discover that the species at the top of the food chain didn't really have a language and had really dead, black eyes and lots of scary sharp teeth, I would probably decide to interact with the the fifth smartest creatures on Earth since that's also the one that has lots of languages to choose from, all of which are easier to speak than dolphin. That would be mankind if you needed it explained to you. And since that's what I would choose to do, I would also choose a name that didn't sound as threatening as Martian Manhunter. I might go for something like Not-a-martian-at-all Manhugger. Or Man Manson. Although "Manson" isn't the most friendly name if you were a martian arriving in the latter part of the twentieth century. Although it might be okay in 2015 since humans don't like to remember things that older humans went through because it is so very boring and not about them and their world at all. Although in 2015, Woman Woman-of-colorman would probably be more politically something. I'm a martian in this hypothetical situation. I don't know all of the ins and outs of human society! I'm just here on a mission of peace! Probably. Wink, wink!

I would also take a shower before interacting with any humans because boy do my armpits stink right now! Pee-yu!

One thing I wouldn't do is split myself into dozens of separate beings who have no idea that they're only one part of a single being whom they can't even remember anymore. That's what Martian Manhunter did. Hopefully he kept a master list somewhere so that he can find all of the aspects of himself now that he killed his main self.

One of Martian Manhunter's aspects is a sexy woman named Pearl!

I would not care for a second date with a woman who could do this with her mind. My guts have enough trouble with burritos.

Meanwhile Mister Biscuits is being all Crane Style on the top of a speeding ambulance. He's really into cookies. Hmm, so am I! That hypothetical about being a martian might not be as hypothetical as I thought! Because hardly anybody loves cookies!

Anyway, Mister Biscuits and his pals are either running from the Martian Man-Eater or merely delaying having to battle the Martian Man-Eater. My guess is that they're merely delaying it because fighting the bad guy makes for a more exciting comic book than running from the bad guy. I once wrote a story about a Ninja Assassin who ran away from Ninja Assassin School because she hated violence. The other Ninja Assassins chased her down for the entire book but she alluded them in every chapter until the end of the book when the Ninja Assassins said, "Darn it. I guess she got away." My editor said it was very exciting when the main Ninja Assassin got away from the other Ninja Assassins without any kind of confrontation for the first two or three times, and maybe for the fourth or fifth time as well since she still expected the big battle to happen. But when the big fight never took place, she explained that it gave her a headache and a stomachache and a nauseated feeling because it was all so tense with no payoff in the end. She used some word like Cat Arctic or something. And then she said no publisher would ever publish it because it was only five pages long.

The writer of this comic book probably had an editor who explained to him how he had to have a big fight scene because the big fight scene takes place on the back of the ambulance. It's where we find out that Mister Biscuits is Martian Manhunter's subconscious just like I pointed out in a different commentary except I accidentally said "heart" instead of "subconscious." You probably knew what I meant though, right?

This is what happens after the fight ends. You've probably read comic book fights before. No need to rehash another one, right?

Over in the Indian Sea, Aquaman and his boner pants make an appearance as they save Pearl from drowning. See, she fell into the ocean after blowing up the white martians.

This picture is very, very dirty.

The issue ends with two campers looking through a telescope at the moons of Mars and noticing details like how misshapen they are. Those campers must have a crazy expensive telescope. I mean, I had a pretty cheap telescope and I could see some of the moons of Jupiter as they would pass across the planet but I still could never see the moons of Mars. They're just so small! It's also possible I never really tried very hard to see Mars's bullshit moons because they're bullshit. If I were Mars, I'd be embarrassed by the giant turds circling me.

Anyway, Phobos grows teeth and heads off to Earth to eat all of Mister Biscuits' cookies just like he feared. If Mister Biscuits is J'onn's subconscious and Daryl is J'onn's heart and Pearl is J'onn's feminine side and Leo is J'onn's mental fortitude, perhaps Phobos is J'onn's stomach?

Martian Manhunter #4 Rating: No change. Thanks to all of DC's cartoons, nobody ever utters the phrase "Who the fuck is Martian Manunter?" anymore. Back in the eighties, I used to say stupid things like, "My favorite member of the Justice League is Martian Manhunter!" I would say those things to people who were dumb enough to engage me on comic books when they only knew about Batman, Wonder Woman, Superman, and Spider-man. Then they would say, "Who the fuck is Martian Manhunter?" Also, if I ever said to people who knew about comic books, "My favorite member of the Justice League is Martian Manhunter!", they would laugh at me and punch me in the nose. At least I didn't say Vibe, jerkos! Then I would explain how Martian Manhunter was about a billion times more powerful than Superman because he had so many extra powers but they would just rebut my argument by setting my shoes on fire. It was actually a pretty clever argument and I had to concede the point to them. It's not like I could ever find any kryptonite to wing at their heads. Um, anyway, my point is that maybe since people know who Martian Manhunter is they could possibly pick up this book and support it because it's better than decent? Is that a good enough blurb to get on the back of the Martian Manhunter trade?

Robin, Son of Batman #4

The issue begins with a flashback to Damian's Year of Blood when he went on a vandalizing, pilfering tour of the world. Damian's servant takes Damian's recent acquisition from Egypt to Ra's al Ghul and accidentally walks in on a ceremony utilizing the previous objects stolen by Damian. I'm sure it's no big deal. People probably walk in on Ra's doing all kinds of freaky things. But I guess the pouring blood out of the sockets of a goat's skull ceremony cannot be witnessed by anybody without punishment. So Damian's servant, who helped teach Damian to paint and loves seeing things like art and nature and the underside of his erect penis in a mirror, is blinded. Talia gives Damian the chance to forgive him but Damian knows a trick question from his mother when he hears one! Instead he calls his servant a fool and goes on with his life.

But that was whenever that happened. Total ancient history! Now is the time for Damian to atone for stealing the idols canopic jars from Egypt. How he's going to atone for allowing his servant's sight to be taken is another matter. Perhaps Damian can find a groupon for Lasik?

Maya, Damian, and Goliath are working together now. Not because Damian really wants to work with Nobody but because Nobody is now the only way to control Goliath. It can't be because he hopes to one day touch one of her boobies because he's still losing baby teeth. No way he's into girls yet. Murder. Justice. Revenge. But not girls. Gross.

Damian explains how he's atoning for stealing the canopic jars but that doesn't really matter, right? I'm just waiting for Deathstroke to appear so Damian can whoops his ass.

I was just lamenting my lack of cake before sitting down to read this comic book.

The person calling out Nobody's name is, of course, Deathstroke. He didn't take kindly to Nobody cutting off communication with him and his fellow Mercenary Chatroom buddies. He seems to be familiar with Nobody's method of operations (sometimes called some Latin thing, especially when talking about Jack the Ripper) because the first thing Slade does is explode a paint grenade in her proximity. That should help him realize he's fighting a young girl which, knowing Slade, will probably give him a boner.

Who else would be in that club? Talia. Rose. Lian. And why is he so interested in a club full of young girls? Pedo.

Deathstroke is familiar with Goliath. I wonder how they know each other? He seems content with not getting what he was owed by Morgan Ducard as long as he gets to kill Maya and Goliath. But of course that isn't going to happen. Damian will probably save the day.

See? I think. This is saving the day right? And not just horsey back rides?

Damian lures Deathstork Deathstroke back through the trapped entry to the secret tomb below. It's where Damian just recently returned the canopic jars by sneaking past the traps. Now he's setting them off on purpose to hopefully kill Deathstroke. Boy, I hope they kill Deathstroke! It's not that I want to see Deathstroke dead since I actually like the character. But if it'll put a stop to Tony S. Daniel's travesty of a Deathstroke comic book, I'm all for the death of Slade Wilson!

Instead of killing Deathstork's Deathstroke's comic book, he finances it to the tune of five million dollars. Dammit, Robin! Now he's got enough cash to get his mercenary gig back on track! Although Deathstroke's comic book isn't selling very well and it's not like this five million dollars went into DC's pocket to keep their company solvent. So it's only a matter of time, Slade!

I'm pretty sure the "so boring" is Gleason's shot across Daniel's bow. And he has every right to fire that shot because Gleason is an artist turned writer who's actually doing a terrific job.

Slade reluctantly heads off back to his own shitty comic book and Robin takes Nobody back down into the tomb. By putting the jars back, he opened up a secret passageway leading to the reason that the health center above the tomb was able to cure so many people: a Lazarus Pit. No wonder Ra's wanted this place shut down.

Robin, Son of Batman #4 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue was probably half fight scenes and yet it still managed to tell a coherent story that could have filled up an issue on its own without the fight scene padding. I don't think Deathstroke is used to that. He had to do an awful lot of fighting in this issue. Usually he only has to pose for one or two huge double page splashes. But this time, he had to pose ten different ways across what would have been one of Daniel's double splash pages. That's a lot of work! No wonder he wanted to settle on five million dollars so he could go back to his comic book. Who knew there was usually so much choreography in fight scenes?! I'll tell you who didn't know! Any character ever written and drawn by Tony S. Daniel!