Martian Manhunter #7

Oh mighty question mark! You make a simple statement into a startling revelation!

J'onn J'onzz has thrown in with Mars. He's betrayed his adoptive planet and decided Mars is the place for our universe. Beautiful, glorious, too small to retain its own atmosphere Mars! What a jewel! A joy! A terrible place that thinks putting zucchinis in cookies is a fun idea. Fuck Mars. Fuck it right in its Olympus Mons!

J'onn may have chosen for Mars to live at Earth's expense. But not every aspect of him agrees with the decision.

There's not really enough difference between "hunter" and "killer" for this line to come off as anything but silly.

Nobody needs to explain to me that killing doesn't always come at the end of a hunt. Sometimes people hunt for meaning! Or other things. But you know what I fucking meant, didn't you? Didn't you! You didn't need to ever utter the word "actually" except to irritate the shit out of me.

Speaking of both silly lines and irritating the shit out of me, I watched Halley Berry's Catwoman for the first time yesterday. Me-ouch! Oh man! If I had been a movie critic at the time--not a serious one, mind you! One of those hacks that simply tries to come up with some positive, pun-induced message about how fun the movie was--"Me-ouch!" would have been a good tagline! Of course it wouldn't have made the poster so I would have been doing it wrong. And I'm sure half of the writers came up with "It's Purrfect!" before even viewing it. Also it was not purrfect or anything close to it. The acting was atrocious. The CGI was awful. The dialogue was a disaster. I don't even think it took place in Gotham! And who was this Patience person? I kept waiting for the real Catwoman to appear and reveal that Patience was the villain! It was a truly terrible experience. And...oh yeah! The line that made me punch myself in the face to see if I was awake and, if I was, I might knock myself out. In the final battle, Sharon Stone says, "Game over!" And Catwoman says, "Guess what? It's overtime!"

Go ahead, those of you lucky enough to have never seen the movie. Take your time drinking in the awfulness of that exchange and how it made it into a movie script. How come Halle Berry gets all the horrible superhero lines? She was also the one in the first X-men movie to deliver that line about how toads being struck by lightning differs very little from when it strikes everything else.

I'm a bit ashamed to say I rated it 5 Stars on Netflix. I rate everything I watch 5 Stars just so that I know I've watched it already.

On the positive note, Catwoman stopped the evil make-up conglomerate from making women's faces fall off!

Um, anyway, J'onn fights with himself for a bit and then rushes off without explaining anything. So now the other aspects of himself need to figure out how to save Earth because is still exists. For now!

You liar, Mister Biscuits. You were homeless.

Since the Living Mars has returned to the solar system, it's no longer a dead world and actually full of angry Martians. They attack because they're not as into poetry and love as I seem to remember them being. Maybe they're violent because their planet is sick and it's still probably going to die. But this time it's taking the Earth with it.

Luckily the Martian Manhunter Body Parts Gang know the leader of the Martians: it's little Alicia! She survived the Blood Magic Ritual and aged twenty years and become a general in the Martian Military! Somehow. I guess the only explanation I need is "Blood Magic Ritual."

She's also not as sweet as she once was.

Martian Manhunter #7 Rating: -1 Ranking. This story feels like it's gone off the rails. I thought it was a pleasant read when J'onn was confused and trying to find himself and figure out why he was on Earth. I suppose this is still part of that story. Except now instead of a man (martian!) trying to find himself and his place in his adoptive world, it's a time travel space opera revolutionary war story. I'm as confused as Mister Biscuits! And I'm all out of biscuits!

Robin War #2

If the cover is page one, page two is a pile of dead Robins.

Hey DC! Don't have a story arc where a bunch of undead assassins give Batman and the Batfamily a tough time and then expect me to believe that a bunch of amateur kids are going to stand up to them! Even if those kids have had three hours of Bat-training! Although if Damian is the leader of the Talons and he tells them to self-destruct but to make it look good, I can believe that. While some stories have proven the Talons can be as smart as they were while living, I have to believe that they're mostly just dumb automatons that can't be "murderered"; they can merely be "put out of their misery."

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Seriously. Keep reading. We've got a new system!

Batman and Robin Eternal #15

Great! A battle between two of my least favorite characters!

I'm going to try something different because I'm still trying to organize my 2016 writing life. Current Patrons of my Patreon will probably want to read this bit because it pertains most to them: I'm going to return to doing all of my commentaries for free. But they will remain on Patreon as a place where people can choose to support me or not. You probably didn't see it but that "not" was infused with all kinds of judgy side-eye! Ha ha! No, no! Just kidding in the way I always kid which is not really but I don't want everybody to feel uncomfortable so I'm laughing awkwardly now and rushing to the kitchen to get hors-d'oeuvres (when will I ever learn how to spell that word?! Christ! I use it enough in all of my catering fanfic). I'll figure out a way to reward monthly contributors although do I actually have the capability of producing something that somebody would consider a "reward"? Probably not. The main reason I'm doing this is because I love writing commentary on comic books. I also love to be paid for them. But I do so many that I need to stop stressing over how spectacularly awesome every one turns out since I know people are paying to read them. If people are just paying because they know putting some coins in the hat as they pass by my emaciated and shivering and not drunk at all body (well, not too drunk) is just the right thing to do then I don't mind pumping out a bunch of shit commentaries just to fucking knock down this ever growing pile of to-be-read comic books!

One thing contributors will get will be copies of my cribbage role-playing game, cRPGe!, when I finally finish it. And, after finishing the introductory book and module, they'll receive any other modules for free as well. Everybody else will have to pay for them via Kindle or some weird website that does PDFs on demand or--and this isn't actually going to be an option so why am I saying it--printed up and sent out by my own hands! Ugh. That sounds awful. Why do people put themselves in positions where they have to do things that don't involve sex, food, or video games?

This is the place where I put the "Keep reading" link which will send you to the Patreon page to finish reading the now free commentaries. Unless you're already on Patreon. Then you'll just continue to the next paragraph without any interruptions.

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Harley Quinn #23

Blood in the water? Whut.

I want a job writing the captions on the covers of comic books. Apparently you don't need to make any sense at all. "Hey, it's a shower scene! There's water in showers! And Harley is going to beat the crap out of a lot of people in the shower! And there's blood in people! Oh! 'Blood in the water!' Nailed it!"

I should apologize to whoever came up with "blood in the water" because I've been trying to think of a better caption for the cover and I can't do it. I mean, I can do it! I can think up a whole bunch of them! But every single won can easily be purposefully misinterpreted by fascist youth bullyboys as being a prison rape joke. So I'll just quietly go on to reading the comic book rather than listing my hilarious captions because I don't have the time or the patience to be Youthsplained to by humorless internet youths making the world a better place through bullying.

This issue takes place in a bowling alley because Amanda and Jimmy had some bowling jokes burning holes in their pockets. That was a bowling pun in case you missed it.

Zena Bendemova has Sy Borgman held hostage in Lane 21 at Flatbush Lanes. She's throwing bowling balls into him so he'll probably be dead before Harley can get there. I'm surprised he lived through being hit with even one!

I've recently burned through every series of the British "game" show Would I Lie To You? which got me to thinking about things in my life that I could read off of a card to try to make people think it was a lie. Being that we're currently in a bowling themed commentary, my true story would probably be that I once rode a BMX bike down a bowling alley. It's slippery as fuck but I made it to the end. It was only later that I realized how much trouble I would have been in if I had wiped out and one of the pedals had gouged the fuck out of the lane. My cousin worked at a bowling alley and we would hang out after it was closed drinking and playing darts or just listening to music. One of those times, I chose to ride a bike down an alley. Apparently being incapable of understanding consequences even in my early twenties, we left without thinking about the tire trail down the alley or the trail of wax the bike tires left across the approaches to all of the lanes as I rode it back behind the pin reset machines. Luckily I didn't get in trouble because I didn't work there and I didn't cause any damage and you can't prosecute me, Lawman!

Harley gets to the bowling alley and finds that Sy isn't being held against his will at all.

The pin and balls are like genitals! So hilarious!

So Sy and Zena are fuck buddies now. Which means Harley has a new friend with a dirty name. Zena Bendemova meet Mike Cock and Harley's Beaver!

Sy and Zena leave the comic book for awhile because there were too many characters (even after the Harley Quinntuplets left). But with Sy out of the picture, it's time to get Mason back in the mix. For some reason. I don't mind if he stays in prison. How about just letting Poison Ivy visit for a two or three page adult slumber party every issue?

The Mason Rescue Mission is a bunch of pages of this highfalutin littyrature:

Is anybody else as bored as I am with Harley Quinn?

Mason is too hurt to move so Harley leaves him but threaten's the warden to make sure he's moved to a different prison where the mayor's goons can't get to him but then she finds out that new prison is Arkham Asylum and now she has to break in to Arkham to save Mason and maybe while she's there she can have some sexy innuendo time with Poison Ivy. The end.

Harley Quinn #23 Rating: No change. I guess if you like naughty innuendo or love Harley Quinn so much you'll read anything she's in, this is the comic book for you. But I'm burned out on her. I've grown overly tired of the same old shtick and recycled jokes issue after issue. Conner and Palmiotti are the new Giffen and DeMatteis!

Superman: American Alien #2

I always suspected Clark Kent was hiding a murder rap in his sealed juvenile files.

I'm pretty sure if I had grown up with super strength, I would have killed at least a half dozen people. All completely by accident of course! One dead while playing goalie during a game of street hockey. One dead from spinning him on a merry-go-round at the park. One dead from a line drive during phys ed. Neighbor killed by super semen exiting my penis like rocket propelled buckshot. It'd take a lot of trial and error to gauge how much strength to put into every activity. How many amputees were running around Smallville after high-fiving Clark down at the bowling alley?

The last issue was called "Dove" even though it didn't have anything to do with peace and had everything to do with unwanted erections. What do doves have to do with erections? Am the story of Noah and the flood supposed to turn me on? Oh! I bet it was called "Dove" because Superman learned how to fly. Well, this issue is called "Hawk" because Superman is going to learn how to fly again! Or catch field mice and unleashed chihuahuas.

Clark fuck pretty one day.

Clark is seventeen here so it's improbable that his parents have yet to have the sex talk with him. They're definitely the kind of parents who would have a sex talk instead of just letting him piece the whole mystery together through various bits of information picked up at recess in elementary school the way most of us learned about sex. But what would their sex talk even be about?! He's an alien! He almost certainly can't impregnate a human female so that's not a worry. And even if he could, a human condom isn't going to be any kind of barrier to his kryptonian sperm. With his invulnerability, would he even be able to orgasm from touch? I imagine being young and just seeing another person's hand on his cock could be enough to orgasm. And if that was, how dangerous would his ejaculation be? Will he wind up blowing half of Lana's face off? Or are these questions we're not supposed to ask as comic fans even though they're really the only fucking questions any of us truly care about.

I really do hope the sex talk is coming up! I need answers!

Clark gets a ride home from his pal Pete and he already begins bragging about the sex he's probably going to have with Lana. I bet Pete gets an erection just thinking about it.

While some people get murdered by angry alternative youth, Clark, Pete, and Kenny discuss Clark's alien perversions.

Damn, Clark. Does the whole school know your secret?

Forget about how bodies look smashed underneath their ill-fitting clothes! Think about how many times Clark vomited in school calibrating his x-ray vision to just look through the clothes! How many times did he have to accidentally see guts and bones and gristle and all of that disgusting stuff filling our meat bags before he stopped caring about seeing Lana's boobies without consent! How scared was he of vaginas when he thought they looked like the fourth transparent overlay in a see-through anatomy book on the female body.

The police ruin the teenagers' good time because the sheriff needs teenagers at the murder scene. I guess the Smallville police believe Scooby Doo was a documentary on detective work? Get those meddling kids on the job! They'll crack the case!

The Sheriff seems to know that Clark has some special powers that nobody really talks about because everybody in Smallville simply pretends that they don't know about the Kents' alien son. When Kent refuses to participate in the investigation by giving the Sheriff any clues via his Alien Clue Detecting Powers, the Sheriff gets pissed off and sends the kids home. But Pete doesn't quit as quickly as Smallville law does.

Be a hawk already, asshole!

Clark flies off and finds the kid, Owen, holding his own family hostage. He walks into the house and immediately gets shot in the face. This is probably the guy Clark is going to murder and nobody will cry about it because the asshole already Corgi and that's the only kind of dog I like! Stupid bastard!

Clark punches the kid through a wall and then the big biker guy with the shotgun (Gang Member #2 of 3?) comes out to shoot Clark's clothes a few more times. I mean, I guess he shoots Clark as well but since that doesn't matter, he's really just ruining Clark's wardrobe. Clark gets a little bit pissed off this time.

See?! Amputees! I knew Clark would make amputees! And since they're a farming community, it's not like anybody will notice a few more!

I bet burning off a man's arms with heat vision in a farming community won't expose Clark's identity. Whenever anybody asks this guy what happens, he'll answer, "An alien freaking burned them off with laser eyes!" Then the first person will just nod and say, "Got your shirt caught in an auger, eh?"

Pete shows up to hit the third gang member in the face with a shovel and end the hostage situation. The only thing left is for Clark to go to jail until he turns eighteen! Or be proclaimed a hero because it's not like he did anything except save a family. Who's going to begrudge him for using a little violence against a bunch of violent assholes? Certainly nobody living in a rural area like Smallville.

The Sheriff tells Clark to help the police next time instead of taking matters into his own hands and then probably high fives him off-panel for burning the arms off that one guy. He sends Clark home where he knows the real punishment is waiting. Ma says the wrong thing and has to backpedal so that Clark gets away with attempted murder. Lucky! Clark puts three people in the hospital and everybody celebrates the day he arrived from space! I punch my sister in the arm five dozen times at once for changing the channel while the video for "Hello" by Lionel Richie is on and I'm a monster! It's not fair! You don't call peasants rising up to overthrow a fascist dictator monsters! I was just taking back what was mine! I was renegotiating the sibling contract! I wasn't going to be the punching bag loser anymore! I would be on top! I would rule fairly! I would get to watch Lionel Richie's "Hello" in peace whenever I wanted!

Superman: American Alien #2 Rating: No change. The last page is an eight panel story about Doomsday pouting while floating in space because he can't kill anything. Poor baby! Then he finds some kind of Superman satellite and hitches a ride on it so he can punch Booster Gold in the face. As for the rest of the comic book, how am I supposed to feel about a story where Superman burns the arms off of some guy? I think it's a reasonable vision of Superman as a teenager. Between the old goofy Superboy stories and Superman as a responsible adult who understands the consequences of most of his actions lies a dark, dirty area of Superman's life that simply has to be full of tragedy, misdirected anger, and horrible accidental violence. I can't see any way past Superman's teen years being they hyperbolic version of everybody else's teen years. It's got to be hard and miserable and dark and messed up. Sure there will be bright spots! And there were also be loads of times when Clark simply gets lucky to not have killed somebody. This tale captures a bit of that by telling a story that also shows a bit of why Clark begins to embrace his role as a hero. I think the story I would have liked would have less to do with Clark's future would not have involved an actual crime and just involved mistakes being made by a teenager with super powers. But that's not the story I got, so I can't argue against this one because it wasn't what I would have done. I enjoyed it although Clark really was an ugly teenager in this thing.

Batman Loves Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles #1

I'd prefer it if they were called Teenage*D* Mutant Ninja Turtles.

The first issue of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles came out right around when I began collecting comic books. I did not pick up an issue because I could not predict the future. Also I don't think I knew it existed until sometime in its third or fourth printing. And even then, I really wasn't interested in owning it. I mean, did you see the weird colors on the cover? So amateurish! Or artsy? What did I know?! I was thirteen! I thought great art was the succubus picture in the Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual. But since that time, I've learned how to invest in comic books! If an independent comic books comes out and one of the creator's names ends with "man", the book is going to be valuable! I may have missed the Eastman pile of money but I didn't miss the Kirkman pile! I hope The Walking Dead does a crossover with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

I think I read my cousin's copies of the first three or four issues of the original Turtles but I don't really remember much of it. I remember the little regular baby turtles around the radioactive puddle before they transformed and that's about it. And even that might be a false memory! And I was too old to think the movie Turtles were cool when they came out so I really don't have much experience with them. I know they were a parody of Daredevil, they loved pizza because Domino's is the only joint shitty enough to deliver to a sewer address, and Donatello is the one with the purple sash and the stick. That reminds me! I did play quite a bit of the arcade game and I always chose to be Donatello.

The story begins with a scientist telling Batman bullshit stories about the Ninja Turtles. The Foot Clan attacked her place of work and stole a generator that could power the world and/or a super weapon. But the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tried to stop them. They at least stopped the Foot Clan from killing the scientists but did the scientists thank them?! No! They just called them ugly monsters with uncontrollable adolescent erections and then called Batman in to destroy them. Batman, being a great detective, decides one eyewitness's assumptions of her perceptions is the only lead he needs and he promises to stop those gross Wereturtles.

If I were a pizza delivery person, I would not deliver to a seedy location without an actual address. Also, I would deliver pizza in a car instead of walking.

Batman goes over the clues to all of the crimes involving stolen technology in Gotham recently and he's flummoxed because the bad guys don't seem to be attacking him directly or trying to simply fuck up Gotham in retaliation against the Batman. They've actually got a criminal agenda that doesn't involve him at all! It's totally fucking crazy. Who do these criminals think they are?! Batman concludes that they're either stealing the technology to build something to use against him later or else maybe they're new at the crime game in Gotham and they don't realize that it's all supposed to be about Batman. So rude. But he'll teach them!

Batman surmises they'll attack Wayne Enterprises next because his company has the best stuff.

I hope Batman and April O'Neil fuck.

Killer Croc plans on stripping the Batmobile while Batman is beating up turtles. Croc knows where the Batmobile is because he has the Where is Batman?! App available for eighty thousand dollars at the app store. That seems like a small price to pay to follow Batman back to his lair and loot it. So why does Killer Croc only want to loot the Batmobile?! And where did Killer Croc get eighty grand for the app?! Shouldn't he have spent the money on supplies for his army of homeless masses?

Killer Croc runs into the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' lair so he'll probably miss out on looting the Batmobile. Unless Batman takes too long beating up hundreds of Foot Clan Ninjas. There are always hundreds of them, right?

I hope The Predator and some real Aliens show up in this comic book too!

Batman beats up most of the Foot Clan but he doesn't get any new clues because Shredder appears and kills all of the clues before Batman can beat them almost to death. Actually, Batman does get one clue! One of the Foot Clan mentions "the turtles," so now Batman knows he's looking for...well, okay, that clue is kind of confusing. He probably still doesn't know what he's looking for. Although Shredder told him that if he just butts out, Gotham will be fine. Shredder doesn't realize that Batman has one superpower and it's the power to not butt out ever and most especially when somebody tells him to do so.

It's a good thing Batman has more luck on his side than World's Greatest Detective Skills and so he just happens to learn the meaning of the clue when he heads back to the car.

And one large rat! Don't forget the rat!

Batman Loves Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles #1 Rating: This is a novelty comic book! I'm not going to lower myself to rating and reviewing novelty comic books! What am I? A clown?! I will read next issue though! I bet Batman kicks the asses of all of the turtles but is fatigued enough for Master Splinter to beat the shit out of him. Then Master Splinter, being a kind and compassionate rat ninja master, will take Batman back to the Turtles' new underground lair where he'll tend to his wounds and revive him. Batman will hear the Turtles talking like teenagers and realize that they're heroes like him! Well, not like him. More like Daredevil. Although Daredevil is a lot like Batman. So maybe they are like him.

Telos #3

Here's a simple trick for gauging the quality of a comic book: the more creators credited on the cover, the worse the issue is going to be.

I haven't watched it yet but before heading to work last night, I noticed one of the weird non-cable television channels that only shows old movies and commercials about drugs or lawsuits pertaining to drugs was showing Motel Hell so I set the Channelmaster to record it. I probably haven't seen that movie in thirty-five years. And yes that means that I probably saw the movie when I was eight or nine. My mom didn't want me seeing boobies in movies but she didn't mind if people got hacked up and made into jerky. It's probably why I'm so well adjusted. If this movie isn't as exciting as a man wearing a pig's head over his face and hacking up motel guests, I'm going to abandon it and go watch my movie!

Telos had recently made some friends in prison on Colu. They're helping him to overthrow the tyrant Computo and his lapdog Validus because Brainiac wants his planet back. Unless there were other reasons for the conflict. It's hard to keep fifty-two or more different plots straight from month to month, especially for titles I'm not interested in. This is one of those, in case you are bad at reading comprehension.

Validus attacked at the end of the last issue so this one picks up during that battle. Telos also telosgraphs that somebody will die before the issue is over. He actually says "before the day is over" and the day might last more than this issue but I hope not because I'll feel like I was scammed. Here are the characters we have to choose from who might die:

Captain Comet: No way. Even though he's not the most important character in the DC Universe, he's a favorite among really nerdy readers. And you don't piss off the severely nerded.
Captain K'rot: Technically he's not the real Captain Carrot because DC Comics doesn't want to pay any bonus money to Scott Shaw and Roy Thomas but he won't be killed off anyway. Because then they'd have to bring Captain Carrot back from Multiversity world, a place where apparently DC will pay any royalties they must so they can watch Morrison jerk off on nostalgia.
Stealth: Stealth is a possibility because she has such a simple name and an easy power to replicate. Plus she's new as of Threshold. I think. It's so hard to tell which characters have been brought back from Limbo and which ones are freshly minted buttercups.
Techne: It could possibly be Techne because she's just a female version of Brainiac-5. But that's also an argument for keeping her.
Telos: Oh man I hope it's Telos! Then I never have to buy another issue of this idiotic idea of a comic.

After laying out my arguments (were those arguments? Whatever), I've decided it will be Captain Comet. His death will be the easiest to explain away when he reappears later in the story. It'll be some latent power that all super-evolved humans have or something.

Oh wait. Is that a cop out? I think that's a cop out!

Validus isn't dead so now I'm not so sure anybody will actually die. Telos may have just been acting dramatic.

Telos opens a portal and sends Validus into space which, as I read about it happening, causes me to think, "Why didn't he just do that first? And why are they taking the short way to the Super Secret Data Center if Telos can open portals in space? And when will Captain K'rot begin making jokes about being an alcoholic?"

Meanwhile Computo is pissed off that things aren't going his way. Poor dolt should have gone to the Harvest School of Super Villainy! There he would have learned to act as if every thing that ever happened was all part of your plan. Now instead of looking like an undefeatable bad-ass, he just looks like a sorry asshole that has to ask Brainiac for help. Which was part of the plan since the beginning so maybe he did take some classes at Harvest U. He just needs to tone down his temper.

Telos and Friends decide to go destroy some Psions before completing Braniac's plan. I mean Telos's plan. I mean Computo's plan. You know what? I think it's time I admit I don't know what's happening anymore. I know Telos wants to find his family and Techne wants to free Colu and the others probably just want to escape. So that probably means that even though Brainiac manipulated Telos into doing work for him (and maybe Computo?), it doesn't really matter anymore because everybody has their own agendas now.

First agenda: destroy the Psions!

Or startle them into setting the self-destruct sequence and destroying themselves.

This isn't as exciting as cannibalism but I'm almost done with it so I guess I should finish.

Techne injected a virus into Computo (I think?) and now his control over Colu is breaking down (I think?) so the gang must destroy Computo's back-up and Computo's body to save the world (I think?). Unless destroying him just hastens the demise of Colu? I don't know. Whatever's happening, Telos ends this issue facing off against Computo and Brainiac while the rest of the gang get stuck in the same cliffhanger as last issue:

Validus attacks! Again! I think!

Telos #3 Rating: -2 Ranking. Three issues in and I don't see the point of this comic book. Since I don't believe that our lives or the universe has any inherent meaning behind it, I like my art that was actually created on purpose by sentient beings to have some kind of meaning. It's a small pet peeve of mine. I'll accept that life has no greater meaning than to perpetuate itself. I mean, that's already pretty weird in the first place, right? But think about it. The reason life which accidentally was created by complete accident continues to exist is because it was accidentally created with the need to keep existing. If life had been created without that need or drive (and it probably has been created that way billions of times!), it would cease to exist after living its lonely life. Therefore life which continues to exit continues to exist because it needed to be able to continue to exist to continue to exist. It's simple philosophy! Unless it's math. Or science? Um, whatever! Unlike this comic book, I had a point! Oh yeah! I accept that in the greater scheme of things, life is meaningless. But we are sentient beings who desire meaning! Thus we project whatever meaning we think appropriate onto our lives or our existence or the reason sharks have dead eyes. I want to read stories that encourage the illusion of meaning! Why do I want to read something that's a perfect reflection of reality?! Don't give me a story that doesn't matter and has no meaning and then call it Telos! That's just fucking depressing, man!