Mother Panic #3

Now kiss!

Batman can't stand that another vigilante is operating in Gotham City. That's his turf! It's his honey pot! If Mother Panic plans on opening a Window and Skylight Repair Shop, she's in big trouble. Hell, she's in big trouble anyway. Batman is such a control freak that he's going to have to learn her identity and where she lives and how old she is and how acidic her urine is. It's all quite important to running Gotham. Not that Batman runs Gotham, wink, wink! He just wants to keep it safe! If you know what I mean!

Mother Panic continues her quest to rescue a bunch of teens from some pervert art lover named Hemsley. But finding those kids isn't in the cards this month. This month, she gets to be scolded by Batwoman. The scolding winds up turning into a fight. Typical.

That's an odd thing to say unless Mother Panic's dialogue comes from a writer who knows Batwoman is a lesbian and thinks this is some kind of playful flirting. Although I don't know why somebody would follow up "Not my type" with "although under other circumstances." You mean like if she were your type?

Mother Panic wins the fight with her super power of thinking of some abstract image and then striking. I don't know what that is about. I guess she gets her power from art. That's why her nemesis is a swanky hip artist.

After the fight, Mother Panic swears. Oh! That just made the comic book better!

At Hemsley's place, Gala is waiting for Mother Panic inside the art piece she created for him. It's a throne surrounded by six sitting children in monk's robes tethered to the ceiling. They continuously chant some thing about sinners and god. I can only imagine the entire room smells like dried semen.

Gala introduces herself and then sets the room on fire to escape. I guess it's important for an artist to have a patron and/or a superhero nemesis. Otherwise why would she let Mother Panic know she's behind Hemsley's disgusting wank installation? Probably just ego. Anyway, Gala escapes while Mother Panic saves the helpless children.

Uh oh. It's getting super artsy in here!

It looks like Mother Panic is too big for art to hold! She's the creator's creation that breaks free to create! And while she does that, she'll also smash the shit out of terrible art. But not pretentious art or she'll have to punch herself in the face.

Batwoman reappears to tell Mother Panic she did a good job. Mother Panic responds with "Fuck your approval." I approve! She says fuck at Batwoman a few more times, just to show she doesn't care what anybody thinks of her. She's off the leash! Remember when practically every cover of The New 52 proclaimed that somebody was unleashed? Bad times!

The encounter with Batwoman allows the writer to just get on with the story without a bunch of fangenders going, "Why doesn't Batman do something about her?!" Now in just a few pages, they have their answer! Batwoman knows Mother Panic is a good person and she'll be allowed to do her thing so long as she doesn't fly her ship into Batman while he's grappling around the city.

Later Mother Panic discovers Hemsley's dead body. So that's one person down who did a thing that Mother Panic needs to avenge (like having sex with young kids, maybe? Perhaps burning down an orphanage? Maybe voting 3rd party?), probably a bunch more to go! It's also time for a flashback to explain her relationship with her brother and the reason for her costume and name, Mother Panic.

Aha! So she's a super nun!

There's also that back-up story about a right-wing podcaster boring people dumb enough to subscribe to his scary alternate version of reality. Oh wait! I forgot he's moved up to radio! So now he can bore all of the people who forget to turn the station after Coast to Coast AM ends!

Cory, the right-wing podcaster, is starting a late night radio show to call out The Batman and turn everybody against him. Boring! He's just another hot take on why Batman is a huge negative for Gotham City and he's going to use evidence from the times shitty writers really painted Batman in a terrible light. At least his audience will only be a couple dozen people and he'll never get popular! No way that'll happen, right?

The Ranking!
No change! I'm not even sure I have this comic on the ranking list. I should probably check. Enh, we'll see if I can find the energy to bother.

Mother Panic #2

Why is somebody masturbating in the background?

I should be asleep but I am not. So instead, I will read this comic book about a freaked out mom.

So this issue begins where I didn't want the last issue to go because it's depressing and I'm tired and now I have to live with this in my head.

I told you I didn't like the cut of Fred's jib.

So at this point, is it still a mystery how Violet's father died? Or why? Fucking disgusting pig is why. And probably violently is how.

Speaking of violence, is Violet named Violet because it evokes both violence and flowers? Sort of harsh and soft at the same time. And her last name is Paige because she's not real; she's just a story.

Because of the bodyguard, Violet is now also trying to rescue some children who must have been part of Hemsley's art project. The art was actually done by Gala but Hemsley commissioned it. But Violet doesn't know about Gala yet. She can't confront her nemesis too soon or the story loses all of its dramatic tension. Instead, she has to fight the sub-boss of the early level.

I don't know why Violet is after Hemsley. She didn't discover his weird art fetish until after she kidnapped his bodyguard. He must have some other secrets she's discovered that have convinced Violet that he needs to die. Or maybe it's just a personal vendetta, like he insulted her mother or bought some goods off her father for the same price Fred paid.

Violet tracks down Hemsley but can't bring herself to kill him. I guess she never quite got around to learning to pull the trigger. But she does find out where his art was transferred to. So now she can go rescue the kids and discover the next person up on the chain of people she's going to not kill for some reason.

Violet decides to nearly finish her memory of her origin story. As a child fifteen years ago, she confronted her father about Fred's intentions. Her dad insisted that it was not Violet Fred wanted but Violet's mother. Apparently that doesn't soothe Violet's rage because she shoots him in the chest with the shotgun anyway. So that's how her father died! I guess next time, we'll find out how she became Mother Panic?

The back-up story is a back-up story. It features a story that is not the same as the front-down story. It is also not the opposite so I don't know why I called the main story a front-down story. The back-up story is the second part to the first part of the story that appeared at the end of Issue #1. In that one, a radio DJ died. In this one, a right-wing podcaster takes his place. I don't know what happened to the guy with the hood who said, "Thanksgiving."

The Ranking!
No change. Was I supposed to color the cover of this comic book myself? That seems like work and not fun. And since it's work, shouldn't DC pay me for coloring it? Not that I colored it so I guess they're off the hook this time. And not off the hook in the cool way where you get off the hook up in the club. I mean that they got away with it without being punished.

Mother Panic #1

This could be the title of my autobiography.

I have no idea what this comic book is about. I suppose it's about a superhero named Mother Panic. Well, not really a superhero. More like a Protagonist Who Utters Poetically Profound Nonsense Which Makes Young Readers Nod Their Heads In Agreement Because It's No Doubt Artistic. I haven't even read a single page of this comic book and I'm already unbearably cynical about it!

This issue is called "A Work in Progress" which isn't encouraging. It's quite possible Jody Houser turned in the script and forgot to give her script she'd been working on a title. The editors probably didn't notice because they didn't want to question something that was obviously so artsy. If you question art, people think you're stupid. So it's better to just pretend you understand the art the way everybody else is pretending to understand the art.

Some young woman named Violet Paige is returning to her home in Gotham City. She was possibly in rehab or just pretending to be for appearances. She's rich and has lots of fans and one of the first things she does is flip off some reporter asking her a question. He says, "Care to comment on the fact you were seen at Vue with Shawna Schulz right after --," and she says, "Care to comment on your face?"

Do you hear that? That loud thub-a-lump-pitter-snap? That's my heart beating like crazy because I've found my comic book character soulmate.

Also, I should probably work on my heart beating sound effects. If I listen closely, there's a lot more snapping than I made it seem. I think maybe I've eaten too many tater tots over the last forty years.

Fifteen years before the opening scene, Violet went on a camping trip with her father while her mother was raving from some neurological problem. Since Violet decides that's the beginning of her origin story, something terrible must have happened while she was on that trip. Like maybe her marshmallow she was roasting fell off of the stick. Or maybe her mother died while she was gone. Or maybe...you know what? I'm planning on having a good day today so I'm not going to suggest any other terrible things that might have happened to her on this trip that nobody wants to think about. It probably was the mother dying thing anyway.

The first night Violet is back in Gotham, she goes to a fundraiser. At the fundraiser is some bearded guy who got a full page scene about showing his work of art to his boy-toy. He keeps it in a storage facility and, judging by Dominic the Boy-Toy's expression, it's shocking. I bet it has male appendages in it!

Oh, it isn't a camping trip. It's a killing trip!

I don't like the cut of Fred's jib. He might make me acknowledge the thought I was trying to suppress so that my day isn't ruined. But I bet Violet has learned since this moment how to pull the trigger! I bet she's a real anti-hero killer since she has to be some kind of funhouse mirror reflection of Batman. You can't live in Gotham City and not be a reflection of Batman.

Violet is approached by a reporter who wants to talk about her father's disappearance fifteen years ago. Okay! Now we're getting somewhere! Daddy Issues ahoy! Also probably Mommy Issues. And maybe some issues caused by Fred.

It turns out Dominic is not the bearded guy Hemsley's Boy-Toy but his bodyguard. Apparently showing him his "art" was a test and Dominic failed because he tries to ditch Hemsley. Also, Violet is busy following Dominic so that she can kidnap his bodyguard who can lead her back to wherever Hemsley hangs out where she can kill him in private. Maybe. I'm making a lot of assumptions here because I haven't finished reading the story.

But then Mother Panic steps in to save the bodyguard!

And a, um, rabbit shits in a, um, skull?

Don't think that last caption was me questioning that panel! I totally get it! It's so...so...profound! Such art. Man. Incredible! You get it, right? Of course you do! What kind of a dope doesn't understand the whole rabbit in an upside down skull thing! It's like a representation of fertility and mortality. Um, right?

Each criminal beaten down by Mother Panic gets a subliminal picture to go with the pain. So one guy is all, "Ow! I'm like a tree that just got struck by lightning! Not as profound as being beaten like a bunny shitting in a skull but still painful!" Then the next guy is all, "Holy ouch! Seven arrows in a swan!" And the next guy is all, "Melting candles on a birthday cake! SO PAINFUL!" And the final guy is all, "A pink snake eating a rat! I got off easy!"

Mother Panic knocks out the bodyguard so she can take her with him. But first she says, "Fuck the bat," because the kid thought she worked for the Batman. Later, Batman happens upon the scene and he wipes a tear from his eye as he asks Penny-One, "Why would somebody say fuck me? What did I do?!"

Mother Panic (or Violet, of course) takes Dominic back to her mother's indoor gazebo where her mother spends her days singing. Her mother speaks in cryptic sentences that actually mean things if you're into poetically profound nonsense. Like me, of course! So good! And smart!

Elsewhere, Hemsley pays a visit to Mother Panic's real nemesis, Gala. She's a criminal who does art crimes! Murderous art crimes! Who could have guessed?! I suppose I came pretty close to the mark in my initial summation of what I figured this comic book would be. But then it's not hard because it's obvious the Young Animal comic line is meant for pretentious pieces of crap.

Anything can be art if you have enough gall to tell people that it is!

Anybody can take a shit but it isn't art until somebody takes a shit and tells other people that it's art. Sometimes they explain the meaning behind the art so that people nod vigorously and say things like, "Right! Right! I totally see that! What a mind blowing piece!" And sometimes they don't explain it because what can you really say about a piece of shit that hasn't already been said by smarter people who aren't trying to fool everybody into believing you're profound.

Mother Panic questions the bodyguard to find out what Hemsley's been doing. But he isn't blabbing his story or what he saw until next issue. Until then, I'll just have to be content with the back-up story, "Gotham Radio Scene One: 1621."

In it, some radio talk show host is talking about how we're all holes and we just can't get enough dicks stuck in us to ever feel whole. But then he's shot live on the radio by some hooded guy who takes over the microphone and is all, "Thanksgiving." I guess the rest of his deep thoughts about the holiday will come next issue.

The Ranking!
I think I could enjoy this. But I promise I'll continue to be super cynical about it. Because that's my art! To see bullshit in everything. Tearing everything apart is my canvas! Destruction is my creation! I'm just a trite, cliché, petty write who doesn't know how to bare his soul to any other human being! I don't want to fill the hole at all. I just want to be bigger hole!

Superman: American Alien #2

I always suspected Clark Kent was hiding a murder rap in his sealed juvenile files.

I'm pretty sure if I had grown up with super strength, I would have killed at least a half dozen people. All completely by accident of course! One dead while playing goalie during a game of street hockey. One dead from spinning him on a merry-go-round at the park. One dead from a line drive during phys ed. Neighbor killed by super semen exiting my penis like rocket propelled buckshot. It'd take a lot of trial and error to gauge how much strength to put into every activity. How many amputees were running around Smallville after high-fiving Clark down at the bowling alley?

The last issue was called "Dove" even though it didn't have anything to do with peace and had everything to do with unwanted erections. What do doves have to do with erections? Am the story of Noah and the flood supposed to turn me on? Oh! I bet it was called "Dove" because Superman learned how to fly. Well, this issue is called "Hawk" because Superman is going to learn how to fly again! Or catch field mice and unleashed chihuahuas.

Clark fuck pretty one day.

Clark is seventeen here so it's improbable that his parents have yet to have the sex talk with him. They're definitely the kind of parents who would have a sex talk instead of just letting him piece the whole mystery together through various bits of information picked up at recess in elementary school the way most of us learned about sex. But what would their sex talk even be about?! He's an alien! He almost certainly can't impregnate a human female so that's not a worry. And even if he could, a human condom isn't going to be any kind of barrier to his kryptonian sperm. With his invulnerability, would he even be able to orgasm from touch? I imagine being young and just seeing another person's hand on his cock could be enough to orgasm. And if that was, how dangerous would his ejaculation be? Will he wind up blowing half of Lana's face off? Or are these questions we're not supposed to ask as comic fans even though they're really the only fucking questions any of us truly care about.

I really do hope the sex talk is coming up! I need answers!

Clark gets a ride home from his pal Pete and he already begins bragging about the sex he's probably going to have with Lana. I bet Pete gets an erection just thinking about it.

While some people get murdered by angry alternative youth, Clark, Pete, and Kenny discuss Clark's alien perversions.

Damn, Clark. Does the whole school know your secret?

Forget about how bodies look smashed underneath their ill-fitting clothes! Think about how many times Clark vomited in school calibrating his x-ray vision to just look through the clothes! How many times did he have to accidentally see guts and bones and gristle and all of that disgusting stuff filling our meat bags before he stopped caring about seeing Lana's boobies without consent! How scared was he of vaginas when he thought they looked like the fourth transparent overlay in a see-through anatomy book on the female body.

The police ruin the teenagers' good time because the sheriff needs teenagers at the murder scene. I guess the Smallville police believe Scooby Doo was a documentary on detective work? Get those meddling kids on the job! They'll crack the case!

The Sheriff seems to know that Clark has some special powers that nobody really talks about because everybody in Smallville simply pretends that they don't know about the Kents' alien son. When Kent refuses to participate in the investigation by giving the Sheriff any clues via his Alien Clue Detecting Powers, the Sheriff gets pissed off and sends the kids home. But Pete doesn't quit as quickly as Smallville law does.

Be a hawk already, asshole!

Clark flies off and finds the kid, Owen, holding his own family hostage. He walks into the house and immediately gets shot in the face. This is probably the guy Clark is going to murder and nobody will cry about it because the asshole already Corgi and that's the only kind of dog I like! Stupid bastard!

Clark punches the kid through a wall and then the big biker guy with the shotgun (Gang Member #2 of 3?) comes out to shoot Clark's clothes a few more times. I mean, I guess he shoots Clark as well but since that doesn't matter, he's really just ruining Clark's wardrobe. Clark gets a little bit pissed off this time.

See?! Amputees! I knew Clark would make amputees! And since they're a farming community, it's not like anybody will notice a few more!

I bet burning off a man's arms with heat vision in a farming community won't expose Clark's identity. Whenever anybody asks this guy what happens, he'll answer, "An alien freaking burned them off with laser eyes!" Then the first person will just nod and say, "Got your shirt caught in an auger, eh?"

Pete shows up to hit the third gang member in the face with a shovel and end the hostage situation. The only thing left is for Clark to go to jail until he turns eighteen! Or be proclaimed a hero because it's not like he did anything except save a family. Who's going to begrudge him for using a little violence against a bunch of violent assholes? Certainly nobody living in a rural area like Smallville.

The Sheriff tells Clark to help the police next time instead of taking matters into his own hands and then probably high fives him off-panel for burning the arms off that one guy. He sends Clark home where he knows the real punishment is waiting. Ma says the wrong thing and has to backpedal so that Clark gets away with attempted murder. Lucky! Clark puts three people in the hospital and everybody celebrates the day he arrived from space! I punch my sister in the arm five dozen times at once for changing the channel while the video for "Hello" by Lionel Richie is on and I'm a monster! It's not fair! You don't call peasants rising up to overthrow a fascist dictator monsters! I was just taking back what was mine! I was renegotiating the sibling contract! I wasn't going to be the punching bag loser anymore! I would be on top! I would rule fairly! I would get to watch Lionel Richie's "Hello" in peace whenever I wanted!

Superman: American Alien #2 Rating: No change. The last page is an eight panel story about Doomsday pouting while floating in space because he can't kill anything. Poor baby! Then he finds some kind of Superman satellite and hitches a ride on it so he can punch Booster Gold in the face. As for the rest of the comic book, how am I supposed to feel about a story where Superman burns the arms off of some guy? I think it's a reasonable vision of Superman as a teenager. Between the old goofy Superboy stories and Superman as a responsible adult who understands the consequences of most of his actions lies a dark, dirty area of Superman's life that simply has to be full of tragedy, misdirected anger, and horrible accidental violence. I can't see any way past Superman's teen years being they hyperbolic version of everybody else's teen years. It's got to be hard and miserable and dark and messed up. Sure there will be bright spots! And there were also be loads of times when Clark simply gets lucky to not have killed somebody. This tale captures a bit of that by telling a story that also shows a bit of why Clark begins to embrace his role as a hero. I think the story I would have liked would have less to do with Clark's future would not have involved an actual crime and just involved mistakes being made by a teenager with super powers. But that's not the story I got, so I can't argue against this one because it wasn't what I would have done. I enjoyed it although Clark really was an ugly teenager in this thing.