Justice League Dark #39

Stop being so adorable, cover.

Some people would nitpick this cover to show what huge pop culture brainiacs they are. But I'm cool with them genderswapping Velma and having Scooby Doo wear a trenchcoat.

Don't try to make sense of that last paragraph! I'm in a mood!

This issue starts off explaining how nothing turned into something and that something it turned into was God so that God could start making some things that make sense from a human perspective. But never mind that part about God being created from nothing because that's just nonsense. As every believer knows, something can't come from nothing. And something can't just have always existed without an explanation. It's better just to assume an intelligence so infinitely superior than ours has always existed and, for some reason, that intelligence didn't decide to make us until it had already existed for infinity. It couldn't love us that much or it would have created us as soon as possible! Which would have been after an infinite amount of time had passed. Just imagine how many other creations this infinite intelligence created before getting around to us! And we're a pretty shitty model, so you've got to assume that we were just another practice batch. The infinite intelligence is probably still trying to work out the kinks, like cancer and racists. And free will, probably, because that shit really fucks up the bake.

When did Swamp Thing get so knowledgeable about universal matters? Stick to bulb facts, Rooty!

This issue is called "Pralaya" for some reason. Isn't that one of those Denny's breakfast promotions? "Come in for Pralaya! All month long! All you can eat pancake stacks! Get 'em before they disappear in an unending miasma of entropy and butter!"

Justice League Dark are attacked by dark creatures of a dark so dark that they are what darkness was before we gave it a name and exposed it to the light. It's like dark that no human eye has never not seen! It's the kind of dark that lies behind the darkness that you can't see! Somebody should have brought a flashlight. I wanted to say "torch" so that I'd sound British but then I figured my American readers would believe I meant an actual torch and then they'd be all, "But wouldn't Frankenstein freak out?"

I don't really care what my American readers think anyway! So I should have just stuck to my blunderbusses and said torch!

Some vast, dark creature is narrating as it watches the Justice League Dark torn apart by its dark darklings. It marvels at how these creatures fight even though they're insignificant motes in an infinitely vast eye. It just makes the Narrator sound naive! As if every one of us, once we realize our lives don't matter, should put a bullet through the roof our mouths. Look, Narrator! Even if I knew my life wasn't just insignificant but actually harmful to all existence, I still wouldn't kill myself because only when I'm dead will there be no time for another cookie. But while I live, cookies!

Oh! Oh! I know what's happening!

When the Justice League Dark left the Land of Imagination at the Beginnings of Time, they teleported into John Constantine's toilet! Now he's been watching them struggle to battle his turds as he laughs about how insignificant they are in his eyes! His turds are full of curry which is why they burn when they touch, dissolving Frankie, Swampy, Orchid, and Boston. Now John has flushed and he's sending them all down around the bend. I bet as they start to whirl around the bowl, they'll begin to be attacked from above by the yellowest of yellow drippy creatures!

The Justice League Dark begins to fight back because how embarrassing would that be if they were taken down by a bunch of floating turds? Deadman rallies like never before as it finally dawns on him that he's a ghost. And one of the special powers given to ghosts by God is the ability to turn into an army of ghosts. Ectoplasm is an infinite resource, I guess.

It's shit like this that has caused me to grow weary of this book.

The mystic whatzits are always super powerful and nigh on unbeatable for mystic reasons. But then the Justice League Dark all individually rally back using whatever power they have so that it looks like they're going to defeat the mystic whatzits with their ingenuity! But then the mystic whatzits redouble their efforts and Justice League Dark falls to the mystic whatzits. Then they're captured and have to free themselves which they do because this time they decide to put their all into their magic because they were just half-assing it last time. And they rise up to defeat the mystic whatzits with the exact same magic they had at their disposal the whole time and in a way that isn't ingenious or imaginative at all. They just put more "oomph" into it!

The way they save themselves this time is something they always do as well! Somebody mentions a spell (this time it's Tempus Durant, Time Stop) and the others all say, "But that's so dangerous! Do you think we should?!" And then the one that's about to attempt the spell says, "We don't have any other choice! We're dead either way!" And the others all go, "Good point! Why did you even bring it up for discussion then and waste all of this time? Just cast it already!"

Always what? Always remember Paris? Always hate him? Always appreciate that he took the time to satisfy your needs before pulling on his pants and heading outside to have a fag?

The Nightmare Nurse refuses to let Zatanna die because she has really decent health insurance. Once she's all better, it's up to these three ladies to save the entire multiverse from the Dark Narrator!

Also, the Dark Narrator introduces herself before they get to the final battle which probably won't happen until the last issue anyway. For now, she's just a big naked hottie named Pralaya and she's out of pancakes.

"Party's over! Everybody back inside!"

Zatanna likes the sound of heading back inside the womb so she dissolves the Time Stop spell and allows Pralaya to consume them all (using her vagina, I'm assuming. Her own words!).

Once everybody is consumed and everything is dark and quiet, a new House comes blasting out of Pralaya's vagina! It's the House of Hope! Unless her IUD just slipped out.

Justice League Dark #39 Rating: No change. I guess JM DeMatteis has decided the DC Universe needs one house for each color of the spectrum? The House of Secrets is probably based on greed. The House of Mystery is based on fear. The House of Wonder is based on love. And now the House of Hope is based on hope. I can't wait to see all of the other houses! Somebody should really paint them in their appropriate colours.

Red Lanterns #39

A baby?! Now I bet Guy's really pissed off!

I am not a fan of babies. Their incessant crying to have their needs met. Their inability to control their bowel movements. Their smug demeanor as they just sit basking in the glow of endless opportunity not yet wasted and free from the weight of a past full of poor decisions, burned bridges, and failed intimacies. Fuck you, baby. I hope you wind up loving an incompetent dreamer with little ambition who is incapable of getting emotionally close!

Damn it. I just hurt my own feelings. It's also possible that curse fell through a wormhole and attached itself to the Non-Certified Spouse. Ugh. I'm the worst. I have nothing to offer anybody. I should just drive off and hide away in the Badlands living off flashlight corn and mashed potatoes. I can't even get my pop culture references right or apply them appropriately to this situation! Why did my father ever stick his dirty penis in my mother's nasty vagina? I wish I knew a Doc Brown so I could reenact the first half of Back to the Future and then watch pleasantly as I slowly fade out of existence. Except I don't think I could accidentally make my teenaged mother fall in love with me. I'm sure after spending ten minutes with her, she'd push every button I have and I'd wind up screaming at her until I was hauled away by some burly teenagers with duck tails and beaten in an alley.

Stupid baby! See what you've done?! Now I'm a fucking spiraling out of control mess. This is why I hate babies!

Hunh. This baby seems alright.

What does a baby have to be angry about? You need to have some years behind you before you can be truly angry! You need a past. You need a language. You need an awareness of yourself within your environment and amongst other people. All this baby needs is food and somebody to lick its ass clean. I may have been raised by cats. A baby can't be angry. It's impossible. They might be able to feel some of the things that would make an older human angry after ruminating on their feelings in a darkened room with a freshly opened pack of razor blades and plenty of unscarred skin on their left forearm. But they can't be angry about those things! Sure, it'll be hungry and crying and desperate for food. But its brain just can't put the pieces together enough to be mad at the fat asshole that's busy watching Jerry Springer and can't be bothered to feed it yet. Although I wish babies could get angry! That would make people think twice about producing so many of these fucking bundles of joy.

Guy Gardner has been busy pulling a David Banner wandering the country trying to get his head straight and dealing with his anger. Everybody who just corrected me by thinking "That's Bruce Banner, Tess you gigantic fucking idiot" can go shove their heads in the toilet and take a deep breath. Stop thinking you're right all of the time simply because you're working with incomplete information.

I know most people reading this know the whole David/Bruce thing because the internet brings us all closer together by overwhelming us with outdated information about things nobody would fucking care about if they weren't easily accessible in an entertaining way. But I figure I have to have at least one reader out there who immediately assumed I made a mistake and called me an idiot! That paragraph was for that one person. If you drop me a message, I'll go back and edit the paragraph to include your name.

Guy Gardner begins the story at a point where the baby wasn't kicking his ass and he was actually just trying to save it.

Don't worry about saving the baby, Guy. You can have another one just like it in about fourteen months.

Here's a philosophical question that I already know everybody's answer to because you're all soft and weak: what's worse? The death of a baby or the death of a middle aged person? Is the loss of potential worse than the loss of experience? If a monster were heading toward me and a baby, fuck the baby! It should have worked on developing a sense of self-preservation! I wouldn't throw the baby in the monster's way or anything to give me an advantage. But I know the baby isn't going to try to save me so why should I try to save it! The baby doesn't even know enough to understand its mortality! And anyway, it's not like much of a distinct personality is being lost. And it potentially could have been the next Hitler! Everybody would agree to let the Hitler baby get eaten, right? No? Really?! You're all just a bunch of Dick Graysons. I'm a fucking Midnighter, bitches!

That was an insult to you readers and a compliment to myself in my eyes. It may have seemed like the opposite to all the baby lovers infected with baby rabies but I assure you that wasn't the intent.

Guy gets his ass kicked by the monster and blacks out just as the monster picks up the baby. I understand that Larry Q. Walker really liked his first page introduction and, I admit, it was a nice way to pull people into the story. "A baby kicking Guy Gardner's ass?! This I gotta have somebody else read to me!" But it would actually have been nice to read this story without knowing that the baby was behind it. I suppose Larry weighed out the two different ways of telling the story and decided the current incarnation was more effective. It's probable that even without that first page, most people reading it would have seen the baby on the corpse and thought, "The fucking baby did it. What an asshole. Babies are dicks!" But it might have been interesting to read this story about Guy trying to save a baby and failing only to find out the baby was creating the monster.

Because you're feeling that guilty sense of relief that the baby is gone and you won't be saddled with raising it to adulthood?

Guy Gardner learns that the baby feeds on people's anger. The baby is living with the monster and feeding it anger. Or they're one and the same. Or...well, whatever they are, they're going to battle Guy. And this time instead of the monster taking Guy on, the monster enters the baby and the baby does the fighting.

If I had a nickel...!

Guy defeats the baby by sitting it down in front of a television. Ha ha! Take that, baby! Easily distracted by moving images and comforting sounds! Also the images are of its mother. I don't know how that doesn't make the baby angrier. Maybe it gets so mad that the rage entity explodes out of the top of its head and dissipates in the atmosphere. I think that's what happened in my mid to late thirties. I just finally let all of my anger about our past dissipate so that I could look at the relationship between me and my mother differently and just appreciate my mother for all of the things she sacrificed for me and my sister while having to raise us alone. And I matured enough to not give a shit when she tried pushing my buttons. And the funny thing? When I stopped reacting, she stopped pushing. So weird how that works, right? You can be so angry at another person that you can't see the part of the problem that you own. Which, funny enough, is the only part you actually have any control over. I dealt with my part and, lo and behold, that was all that fucking mattered. I still like to write as if I can't stand my mother but our relationship is probably better than it's ever been (discounting the under twelve years. I'm sure she resents that I didn't remain that kid that actually didn't mind being touched). And even though it's not true in the truest sense of true things, I still say I love her when I get off the phone with her because I'm sure it's true in some manner of speaking. And besides, she needs to hear it and it makes her happy. Unless she's thinking that I need to hear it and that it makes me happy? Eww! She better not be thinking that! How embarrassing!

Wait. He's keeping the baby?! Now I'm angry!

Red Lanterns #39 Rating: No change. Guy Gardner is lucky I didn't drop the rank on this book by twenty positions just because he's become friends with a smelly, stupid baby. And why is he walking across America? Because it's romantic? Is it just because he's a fan of Kung-fu? Can he not afford train fare? And now he's dragging a baby on these long walks? All that's missing is Midnighter tagging along asking if it's time to eat the baby's heart.

Oh! Here's my critical review: "You probably liked this comic because you're a dirty rotten baby lover."

Star Spangled War Stories #7

Why is Mick the Zombie taking time out to kill a baseball game?

I couldn't remember the main character's name so I named him Mick. I also know you can't technically "kill a baseball game" but then I like to sentence my own way.

This comic book should be called Star Spangled "War" Stories because war hasn't been a part of any of the stories so far. None of them have been star spangled either so maybe that should be in quotes too. They have been stories though if you consider boring characters doing boring things in service to a boring plot a story. I call my commentaries "literature," so I guess I'm all for saying this comic book contains "stories."

This issue begins with Gravedigger bragging about his nickname. What's there to brag about? So he dug some graves! Wow, look at the big man that knows how to use a shovel! Look at him measure out six feet and square the edges! Oooh! Impressive! It's certainly not scary like he seems to want it to be. I guess he's implying that he's killed a lot of people although it just sounds like he's the guy left with the shitty job of cleanup after other people killed a lot of people.

Gravedigger is bragging to the incorrectly nicknamed hillbilly terrorist. He's trying to get the guy to tell him terrorist secrets but he's all, "Fuck you!" and "Eat shit!" But Gravedigger is all, "Did I show you my hammer? Look! I have a hammer! It helps me to...dig graves!"

Gravedigger gets the information he needs by making a grave for the hillbilly's finger. Then some guy who pinches his eyes out is all, "Let's clean up here! Time is money! Chop chop!" And that's the end of the cold opening before we get to the opening credits.

Two the hard way? For a result of two in craps, there's only the hard way! I bet it's some personal joke between Jimmy and Justin. Or a pop culture joke that's lost on me.

GI Zombie eavesdrops on Tiffany and the other lady to find out where they're headed to escape the nuclear self destruct sequence that's been initiated. He learns they'll be headed to San Francisco or Ecuador and hopes it's San Francisco because it's a much smaller place to search. Although once they land in San Francisco, they might be headed up to the Bohemian Grove or maybe over the mountains to Santa Cruz or perhaps across the bay to Oakland. So maybe they'd actually be easier to find in Ecuador.

GI Zombie heads back into the Spa to try to disarm the nuclear bomb which probably doesn't have a brain so how is he going to defeat it? He has thirteen minutes to find it and then to disarm it. Or maybe he just plans to jump on it like it was a grenade and absorb the blast himself. Or, judging by the cover, he's just going to ditch this soon to be a radioactive hole and go catch a ballgame.

GI Zombie chooses the "ditch the fuck out of this place" option when he learns disarming the bomb is a fruitless task. That means it would not bear fruit. He hops in a car and drives as fast as he can away from the blast. Let's say by the time he found a car, he had five minutes to drive. Let's say he found a perfectly straight road headed directly away from the Spa. Let's say he drove at least 100 miles per hour for the full five minutes. Now I do the math and it looks like he'd be about eight thousand, three hundred miles away by the time the bomb went off. He should be fine!

Hmm. Maybe I misplaced a decimal.

GI Zombie is just fine! A little nauseated from the tumble and the radiation and probably the Black Ice Zombie Creation Juice that was left to blow up with the Hillbilly Spa Headquarters. He's picked up by a couple of government agents and hauled back to Gravedigger. I haven't seen a single sign of a baseball game. Maybe he'll dream it? Or perhaps it was just this month's Zombie Baseball Variant Cover.

Tiffany winds up in some place outside of San Francisco called Bolinas. It's another Hillbilly Survivalist compound. But this time, she's tired of playing along. Things are getting dangerous and she's got to find a way out before she's turned into a tunafish sandwich. It's what they do to their enemies! Didn't you read last month's issue? Or the commentary on my issue? I might have made up the tuna thing.

I miss my VW Bus. I should have painted it pink.

Star Spangled War Stories #7 Rating: -1 Ranking. You're upset that this had nothing to do with zombies playing baseball. You wouldn't have minded if Gray and Palmiotti had just dropped the Hillbilly Terrorist story and started a whole new story about zombie baseball for the final two issues. You find this whole homebrew terrorist story naggingly familiar and then you realize it's nearly the same story Gray and Palmiotti told using the Unknown Soldier in GI Combat. The story telling is competent but nothing about it is hooking you. You've found no moments that remind you of why you enjoyed comics in the first place. Upon reading the comic, you notice no change in your daily trudging through the mundanity of your life. You are not transported to another place. You are not filled with wonder nor excitement nor intrigue. You just find yourself turning page after page, unfazed by every head being blown apart. You care about none of the characters but you figure you've stuck with the book this far, so you might as well give the final issue a chance. See you next month, you five people still reading this!

Arkham Manor #5

Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom Batman!

I've been falling behind on my Trixie Belden's So You Want To Be The World's Greatest Detective Home Course classes, so I should probably do one of those now since I have no pressing political or social issues to talk about. I think we've solved them all! Let's all go outside and hug someone to show that we've done it! We've fixed the world! Now nobody ever has to append some comment with "It's 2015 for fuck's sake!" Now everybody can say, "It's 2015 and everything is cool!" I bet people have been saying "It's [whatever year it is] for darn tootin's sake!" for centuries! "How are doctors still getting the four humours confused? It's 1822 for fuck's sake!"

I was also joking about going outside and hugging somebody. We haven't actually fixed every social ill so if you try that, you might get shot in the face.

Time to take Course #5! It's a mystery story called "The Guest" and it's copyright Trixie Belden!

Trixie Belden had her arms full of lesbian pornography when she rang the doorbell of the Madame's House.

"Well, hi!" said Honey Wheeler, Trixie's teenaged lover, who opened the door. She took the pornography from Trixie's arms and casually slid the back of her hand across Trixie's breasts as she did so. The way Trixie's nipple instantly grew hard against her skin made Honey's labia swell. "What's up? You look like a traveling library."

"I had to do a paper about the European history of same sex pornography, and Jim loaned these to me," Trixie said as she wiped her hands diligently on the front of her skirt. "Is the pervert home? I promised I'd return them when I finished."

Before Honey could kiss Trixie open mouthed, a slim dark-haired man came down the stairs. He paused when Honey turned toward him, blushing.

"Trixie, this is our guest, Mr. Ivannascrewu," Honey said.

The man pulled his penis out of his pants. It was misshapen and semi-erect. Trixie grimaced, looked at Honey, and mouthed, "What the fuck?"

"Mr. Ivannascrewu met our friends, the Bronsons, in Paris," Honey explained to Trixie's satisfaction. She'd heard about Paris! Ooh la la! "They asked him to call my parents." Trixie looked confused and horny because Honey's statement didn't make sense and she was exuding a delicious, pre-intimate scent which Trixie was all too familiar with.

"And I am most happy to oblige," said the man about the call to the parents which still didn't seem to make any sense and Trixie was really hoping Honey would explain better. Or maybe Honey would just shove her tongue up Trixie's womanly font of sensual aromas and Trixie could just forget about this weirdness.

The man spoke again in a strong accent: "Mrs. Wheeler was so kind to ask me to stay here in this beautiful place. I travel much on business, and one gets tired of hotels. But brothels? Oh! Oh! My penis stiffens at the very thought!" I noticed, thought Trixie as she felt her breakfast working its way back up her gullet.

"The Madame's House is beautiful," Trixie agreed. "Is your home in Paris?" Trixie wasn't even aware that she'd pulled out her pad and pencil and was taking notes. Always the consummate (and consummating!) detective!

"It is now, but it was not always so," Mr. Ivannascrewu told her. "I was born in Romania, in a village in the Carpathian Mountains."

"The Carpathians?" Trixie brightened up and Honey Wheeler realized she might as well put away her metaphorical dick. She knew when Trixie's mind had gone from clit tickling to full blown detectivating! "Isn't Dracula's castle in the Carpathians?"

"Dracula?" For an instant, the guest looked around for a place to flee. Then he laughed. "Ah, yes. The vampire count that is totally not me that some so-clever person totally made up because he isn't real and isn't here or anything so silly. His penis was totally straight, did you know that? I think I may have possibly heard of this 'Draguler,' was it? Sometimes in Europe, they still show the motion pictures in the theaters. But if you will excuse me, please? I am keeping Mr. and Mrs. Wheeler tied up. Ha ha. Figuratively, of course!"

Mr. Ivannascrewu put his penis away and went into the blowing room. A moment later, Trixie heard him fucking Honey's parents.

"Honey!" Trixie said in low, sexy tones. "I think your mother should telephone the Bronsons right away and ask how well they know that man's penis. I think he's a fake!"

Why did Trixie suspect Wheelers' guest?

Trixie probably suspected the guest was a bloodsucking vampire because his shirt was covered in blood and gore and because he lisped (although I forgot to write the lisp into his dialogue) and he was steaming from the sunlight coming in the windows. None of the things I mentioned were also mentioned in the story though so I don't know how Trixie figured out the guy was a vampire. I think I finally failed a class! I'd better read the answer!

Any true Romanian would know that Count Dracula was a real person who lived in the Carpathians centuries ago, and that he was not simply a character in a book and a motion picture.

Wait. What? That's how she figured out that this guy was a confidence man from New Jersey?! I guess what this course is teaching me is that I shouldn't base my suspicions on facts but on my own gut instincts after which I can make up facts to show how my gut instincts weren't just gut instincts but based in some kind of logical deduction of the facts presented. I think Trixie just got lucky this time! She probably, intuitively, realized his accent was completely bogus and he sounded more like some guy from the Jersey Shore than a real, honest-to-goodness vampire like he was pretending to not be! Even though I didn't solve this mystery, I think I learned an important lesson about fingering any old suspect for a crime no matter what the evidence shows. Sometimes you'll get lucky! And sometimes it won't matter because who cares if you caught the right person as long as the public thinks you did! I'm going to be a great detective in no time!

Anyway, on to Arkham Manor and another mystery to solve!

Why is this guy Meek in The Joker's cell?! Oh yeah! Because Batman couldn't take him to the cops so he shoved him in The Joker's cell and then told the media to make a big deal about how some guy was in The Joker's cell. I think it was supposed to scare Mister Meek and not actually get him killed. But if he does die, I think it's Batman's fault, right?

That playing card has a Joker on the other side! Because that's the Joker's cell like I said already! You can tell because the numbers on the door read 1080 backwards! Which is LOBO! Which makes sense for some reason!

While Meek flips the fuck out because he knows The Joker is about to kill him, Batman confronts The Spelunker inside the wall and says, "Let's get this over with! We don't have many pages left before Convergence!"

Batman defeats the Spelunker and kicks him through the outside wall of Arkham Manor and into the snow so that the other inmates can watch him beat the guy's ass from their windows. Batman asks him who he is but the guy bites his own tongue off. I guess we'll just have to go with calling him the Spelunker!

From his DNA? Did he leave it all over the inside of the walls? Was he, in fact, the SPERMLUNKER?!

Having caught The Spermlunker, Batman gets ready to leave Arkham when Eric Border mentions four inmates are still unaccounted for. One is Jack Shaw who Batman isn't worried about because he's him. Victor Fries who Batman isn't worried about because Victor is just playing outside in the snow because his freezer was broken catching Clown Face. Sybil Silverlock who Batman isn't worried about because he'll deal with that mess over in Gotham Academy. And Seth Wickham whose head had a hole in it by The Spermlunker for reasons that Spermlunker's name probably helps you guess. I bet when Seth Wickham returns to Arkham Manor, everybody is going to call him Seth Squickham!

Batman does some detective work which is mostly composed of going to the boy's home address and picking the lock on the front door. Inside he finds blood spattered family photos! That can't be good!

Arkham Manor #5 Rating: No change. I should hire somebody to do this part of the review where I actually sometimes review the comic instead of saying stupid things about it. I could pay them in warm fuzzies although I'm better at giving cold pricklies. But at least when people finish reading one of my commentaries, they'll get to read a nice little synopsis that tells them how they should have felt reading the comic book instead of some nonsense like what you're currently reading now. How else are people going to know if they enjoyed Arkham Manor if a professional critic like me doesn't tell them? Oh! Maybe I think I just figured out exactly how I should end these commentaries! Let's try it:

"You liked this comic book a lot for its offbeat art and the whimsical nature of the portrayal of some of the Arkhamites. You thought it wrapped up a little too quickly with an underwhelming final boss battle but soon realized that Batman struggles far too often for the sake of fake tension when in reality he should subdue most criminals easily. You were satisfied and appreciative of the tale told so far. It didn't make you feel stupid the way Catwoman does and it didn't make you feel angry the way Deathstroke does. After setting it down and reflecting, you felt like you had a belly full of warm semen. I mean pudding. And it was delicious. The semen not the pudding."

The Flash #39

Amanda Conner nails every cat mood: eating toe filth, big yawns, face licks on other kitties, and staring psychotically at a fixed spot in the distance until you phone 9-1-1 because the cat must be focused on some eldritch horror which you can't see.

I'm pretty sure I'd rather read this cover story than the story inside the cover. I bet if Harley Quinn can get these cheetahs going fast enough, she can break the time barrier! Then she'll arrive about fifteen years in the past where she'll accidentally run over Barry's mom, Nora. Then she'll have to make it look like a homicide and use her psychologist know-how to implant false memories into young Barry Allen so that he doesn't remember coming home from school to find a sexy clown splashing buckets of blood all over the living room but instead a speedster like himself. Another thing that would make it better? Art by Amanda Conner instead of Brett "Critics Can Suck My Dick" Booth!

By the way, what does DC Comics have against women named Nora?

This issue begins with Alastair the Horse's Luddite friend remembering how pleasant the days during Forever Evil were due to the whole town being blacked out. He was free from the horrible way technology has enriched our lives! Except for that part about people always being able to contact you no matter how hard you're trying to avoid them. That part sucks. I'm with Luddite Horse Guy on that part. I tell people that I don't have a cell phone so that I don't have to buy into their outrageous monthly prices and years long contracts. But really I just don't want to be at everybody I knows beck and call. If you don't respond nigh on immediately, then you get grief about it! It's easier just to not have a phone. Also, I'm convinced cell phones are the Mark of the Beast that John saw in his vision. Cell phones are practically attached to people's hands and with all the strange, future objects he would have been confused by, he probably wouldn't have been able to really differentiate the phone from the right hand of the people holding it. Then he'd just see them moving their right hand in front of some other object to pay for whatever they're paying for. So that's the main reason I don't have one! Although my middle name is "666" so I might already be in league with Satan. Thanks a lot, mom!

Here are the things I learned from college: the history of the Luddites, how the works of Horatio Alger helped shape America's can-do attitude, and how to flip a beer bottle cap hard enough and fast enough to draw blood. I also remember about five thousand other things that give me just enough superficial knowledge on a variety of subjects that make me appear much smarter than my IQ of 28 would have you believe. I bet most people think I have an IQ of like 40 or something!

For a guy who loves peace and quiet, he sure talks a lot.

Nearby (as the caption box reads), Iris takes her long ass freakish legs into a used bookshop. Her lower body is so long that her vagina is as big as the bookseller's head. Also that might be a trick of perspective. Whoever got to name the books has the best imagination! I'm guessing it was Brett Booth.

I think the seventh book down in the stack in the lower left is called "Nazi Farts."

Iris is headed to the "Mysternis" section to meet her contact in the police department: Patty Whatshername! I bet most of the information Patty passes on is stuff like "I'll kill you if you try to touch Barry's cock" and "Your tits aren't that perky."

Iris is a great reporter! She always asks all of the right questions like "Give me everything you have on the thing I'm interested in!" That's sure to bust her case wide open! Unless journalists don't bust cases wide open. I think they dig scoops or something.

That Marina and the Diamonds song where she sings, "You say Y-E-S to everything!", has been stuck in my head all morning. Get out, song! I have things to do!

Patty tells Iris a whole bunch of details about cases that are being worked which the Central City Police Department would probably frown heavily on. Then Patty points out that they need some hard evidence against The Flash to prove that he's gone from hero to killer in about two days. When you only get to be part of a story that's twenty pages long and takes place only once per month, you have to jump to conclusions quickly or people will stop reading your stupid comic book. So now the two closest people to Barry Allen believe he's psychotic. I mean, he is because he's Future Barry Allen from the future! But I bet it would still hurt Present Barry's feelings to know they doubted him so quickly!

Meanwhile Future Barry is working the Overload case that nobody else knows about because it hasn't happened yet. Except part of it has happened which is the part he's investigating but Barry knows the rest of it will happen later and he needs to stop it! So using the knowledge he retained from his criminology class on different types of horse hairs, he realizes the two Overload victims he's CSIing were killed by somebody working with a Clydesdale named Alastair!

Okay, he doesn't figure out the name of the horse. I bet Batman would have though.

Before Barry RUNS off to investigate more things, Patty slips a GPS tracker app onto his phone because Barry is too stupid to notice. But I bet Alastair's friend will notice! He'll be all, "What's making that awful racket?!" And he'll pull the phone out of Barry's coat and say, "It's this shitty GPS app running on your phone!" And Barry will be all, "What?! I didn't put that there! That jealous bitch!"

Meanwhile in the Land That Time Got To Forget About But DC Won't Let Me Forget About It, The Flash fucks up.

Ha ha! This reminds me that I need to DVR Land of the Lost tomorrow morning on ME TV. Love that show!

Hairy Potter rescues Flash because he needs him to be bait to call down the Speed Force Lightning. The Flash realizes too late that he's a big dupe and is knocked unconscious by Hairy Potter. I bet the lightning that gets called down misses him and hits his friend Johnnie since Johnnie just got her name mentioned a page earlier.

Back in the future, Future Flash catches Overload before he can blow up everybody using Central City's new citywide wi-fi signal sponsored by LexCorps. Go on! Try to tell me that wi-fi signal is going to be secure! I'd rather pay for Comcast than get free wi-fi from Lex Luthor! And Comcast is the devil!

As Future Flash beats the living tar out of Overload and tells him out loud that he's going to kill him because who cares about the crowd all around him and his reputation, Patty and/or Iris says, "Flash! You can't actually mean you're going to kill this innocent person with the cute horse that I'd love to put between my legs! *dramatic weeping*" Oh, I guess I'm going on record that I think Patty said it since I added the dramatic weeping part.

Really? That's the headline you're going to run with? Get it! I said "run"!

Is that why Barry Allen and Iris West were made for each other? Because he runs around saving people and she runs stories about him running around saving people? That's a lot of running jokes about running.

Future Flash hurts Patty as she tries to stop him from killing Overload which makes him way worse than when he was just killing people. Before he hurt Patty, Iris was just all, "Yes! Pulitzer! The Flash is evil and I get to report it and become super important!" But after Patty gets hurt trying to hold Flash's arm as he punches Overload, Iris is all, "No way! Unh-uh! Now you've gone too far and I have to interfere because this is finally something that's more important than the size of my name on the byline!" And then because of all of the distractions, Overload gets back up, sucks down some wi-fi signals, and begins kicking Future Flash's ass. And in the Speed Force Forgotten Realms, Barry has been tied to a slab and is ready to become a sacrifice.

The Flash #39 Rating: -2 Ranking. Holy fuck I can't wait until all of this time travel/Future Flash bullshit is over! I might not be as annoyed with the story if somebody else were doing the art though. The way Brett Booth draws that arrogant fucking shit eating grin on Iris West's face when she believes she's going to oust Lois Lane from the Number One Reporter spot makes me want to slap her into the Speed Force.

Gah! Nobody should ever smile at me like this! Get thee hence, jolly vampire!

Aquaman #39

Malestorm!

I hope Dr. Evans matches some shapes to other shapes this issue! Is that a super power or does he just have a doctorate in shapes? Either way, I've never seen a better shape matcher! Not since kindergarten, anyway.

Last issue, Aquaman and Mera discovered Atlanna's secret hangout in the Land of the Prehistoric Rhinoceroses which were all "Hey! Look! New friends!" when the Atlanteans first arrived. Several hours later, they were wearing saddles and reins and had bits in their mouths and were all, "Fucking assholes. Fuck this shit." But since they only spoke Ancient Rhinocerese, none of the Atlanteans could understand them and just assumed they were happy to be forced into servitude.

I guess Atlanna doesn't recognize her son because he's all, "Hey, are you like Atlanna or something?" And she's all, "Die motherfuckers!"

And then they hug! Just kidding! She blasts the shit out of him.

I guess they can't trust each other too quickly since this story has to last until the end of Issue #40. And anyway, I get why Atlanna blasted Aquaman when he revealed he was her son. Who wants the kid they abandoned to hunt them down and remind them of that time in their life? When I throw something away, I don't want somebody coming back and dumping the garbage back inside my house! I got rid of it for a reason! Stop trying to get back into my life, garbage!

My thoughts are not meant to represent everybody's attitude toward adoption and long lost family members. Just mine because I actually wish more of my family members were long lost.

This makes no sense, Atlanna. You're crazed from Long Lost Relative Return Shock.

Doesn't it make more sense to pose as the son she wouldn't recognize? Which is what Arthur is doing. I mean, except for the posing part since he really is her son. And what kind of mother doesn't feel it deep down in her heart when she's looking upon her grown baby? Have movies been lying to me all of this time?! Thank you, Comic Books, for being brave enough to tell the truth.

Atlanna's fake husband, Orvax, told her that he killed Tom and Arthur years ago. So she decided to believe him because who doesn't believe everything that comes out of an asshole's mouth? And then she killed him so she conveniently couldn't question him about the murders. Apparently Atlanna's not big on fact checking.

Atlanna decides to throw Aquaman and Mera in a volcano before they can regain consciousness because remember that thing I just said about her relationship with fact checking? Her advisor reminds her that fact checking is a pretty neat deal and it really doesn't cost anything but a little bit of time. But what's a little bit of lost time worth compared to veracity and truth? Pennies, probably! But Atlanna is all, "Shut up, Advisor! Know your place." And Lenu the Advisor is all, "Bu...bu...bu...whut?"

Aquaman slowly gains consciousness as Atlanna and her advisor conveniently recount the history of the island, Pacifica. It was meant to be a new home for Atlanteans when their island began to sink because who knew they would somehow survive underwater. I mean, really, how did they manage that? Did they have enough time to build glass domes over their cities before it sank under the waves? Did they hold their breath while building the underwater city? Did they use magic to instantly grow gills and become strong enough to withstand the incredible pressures at the bottom of the sea? Fucking comic books. Explain yourselves better!

Atlantis couldn't move to Pacifica because a volcano god named Karaku already lived on the island and he killed whoever came through the portal. But Atlanna confined him to inside his volcano with the Staff of Storms and the occasional virginal treat. I guess he eats non-virgins too though because she's about to feed him Aquaman and Mera and Mera has fucked like way over three people. Aquaman might still be a virgin if you discount all the sea life he's fucked.

The sacrifice goes all wrong and Karaku is forced to eat Gontu's chewy muscle instead of Mera's tender morsels.

Aquaman kidnaps Lenu the Adivsor and advises her to advise Atlanna to stop acting like a dickhead. Lenu points out that nobody can stop Atlanna from acting like a dickhead and Mera mutters something about the apple and the tree.

As Aquaman tries to think of a way to avoid punching his mom in the throat (maybe when he figures out a way, he'll teach it to me!), Tula and some warriors from Atlantis come through the Maelstrom and begin punching Atlanna in the throat for Arthur. Sometimes it's good to be king!

I bet Doctor Evans found a shape and then he found a hole that had the same shape and he put the shape in the shape-hole allowing the armies of Atlantis to follow Arthur to Pacifica.

For some reason, Arthur forces his army to stop attacking my his mother. But it hardly matters anyway since everybody is going to be forced to work together to stop Karaku who has broken free of the volcano. I guess Gontu tasted like puke.

Aquaman #39 Rating: No change. This whole quest began because Atlantis wasn't taking too kindly to Arthur's leadership and kept trying to shake him off of it. The reason it didn't accept his authority was because he wasn't the real king as long as Atlanna lived. So will Atlanna have to die at the conclusion of this story? No, I imagine this was a good way to relieve Aquaman of the throne. Atlanna can come back and be queen again, leaving Aquaman and Mera free to do their super heroing.

Deathstroke #5

Is this cover a metaphor for Batman, Deathstroke, and Harley comparing penises?

Last issue ended with Harley Quinn leading Deathstroke into a trap that will not get him killed at all because the trap is Batman and Batman doesn't kill for unknown reasons. I think if Harley really wanted to make Deathstroke pay for the betrayal in Russia, she could have led him into a vat of acid or a pit full of hyenas. Manipulating him into a fight with Batman just seems lazy and manipulative of DC readers' wallets.

After the fight with Batman, Deathstork Deathstroke will probably get back to his regular mission which is to learn the real name of his son Jericho. Hint: it's Joey. Sorry, that was a bad hint because it was actually the answer.

The first thing we learn is that Deathstroke became an absolute moron when he regained his youth.

Of course you're going to run into Batman if you set foot in Gotham! Batman is contractually obligated to take part in any story that takes place in Gotham.

The second thing we learn is that Deathstroke has a filthy mouth as he calls Harley a "$%#!" Yeesh! Even I don't swear like that!

The third thing we learn is that Batman is easily manipulated. If you put a bad guy in front of him, he has to begin throwing punches. That might also be part of his contract.

This issue is called "Battle Royale With Cheese" because it's about French teenagers on an island fighting to the death.

Tony S. Daniel knows he's bad at choreographing a fight scene which the reader can follow so he has Deathstroke explain every move Batman makes through his Narration Boxes. Meanwhile Harley calls the fight like a junior high school ringside announcer except she doesn't call either opponent "gay."

So far, a lot of "blow rolling" has been going down in this fight. Gay.

Deathstroke decides he's getting his ass kicked because he's not used to fighting with two eyes. So Fish up and dig the other one out with a spoon, you coward! Instead, Deathstroke hits Batman with a wall the building apparently didn't need. Then Batman throws some firecrackers in Slade's face because that's totally annoying. Then Slade says, "Maybe I should have mentioned this earlier when you asked me, 'Why are you here?', but if my son is killed while I'm fighting you (which I chose to do by ignoring your question earlier and just attacking you), I'm holding you responsible!" And Batman is all, "Well I'm holding you responsible for my dental bills and my laundry and my tailoring repairs although you did help me...er, Bruce Wayne demolish this building for free that he was going to demolish to make way for a bunch of high rent condominiums, so maybe we're even. Um, Bruce will pay me in weapons and shit cause he's cool like that." And Harley is all, "Stop talking, you butt munches!"

See? Absolute moron. Doesn't even know where the heart is.

Batman isn't very bright either. Why has he been getting tips from Harley? Was their date in New York so successful that he's all turned around on her? She isn't a violent maniac anymore because she kisses so well? I wonder if Batman calls his penis "Little Alfred" since it makes so many decisions in his life?

The fight continues for a few more pages with Batman beating the crap out of Deathstroke and Deathstroke narrating the entire thing so the reader understands why he's losing a battle in his own comic book. "I can't fight with two eyes! I'm too slow! Something about milliseconds! I-Ching is a dick! My face hurts! Joey! I mean, Jericho! Who's Joey? Oh wait! Batman should have killed me right now but he didn't which means the tables are now turned and I will win because I was almost dead but then wasn't which means I'm suddenly back to full strength! A-ha!" And then the building blows up because Harley rigged it with explosive cartoon presents.

She also thought Batman would defeat Deathstroke with one bat, man.

Deatstroke forgives Harley Quinn because he needs somebody to lead him to Jericho even though she previously implied she was hunting Jericho for the bounty on his head. Now she's going to team up with Deathstroke to save him because characters in this comic book can never remember what their motives were from one page to the next.

Meanwhile Rose brings Joey to meet somebody who can help him control his mental powers.

How come everybody calls Joey "Jericho" and Ravager "Rose"? You'd think they'd stay consistent with code names and secret identities. Oh wait. I forgot that Tony S. Daniel doesn't actually know that Jericho's real name is Joseph.

Opossum zaps Joey with the same thing he zapped Slade with in Issue #1 where Joey loses all control of his faculties and begins bleeding out of every visible orifice. And probably the other ones too but let's not think about that, okay? Sorry I even brought it up. Rose attacks Opossum but he blows up into several pieces before she can hack him up into even severaller pieces. Opossum was murdered by Bronze Tiger, Cheshire, and Odysseus's five best followers.

Whoops! I take it back. Oposssum was killed by Odysseus himself. And that must be Cheshire's granddaughter!

I guess Odysseus ultimately didn't trust Cheshire to lead this mission and decided to come himself. He also might have had to come because all of his followers killed each other when they were supposed to determine the five best. It's probably hard to stop at five survivors when you're desperately trying to stay alive.

Deathstroke didn't kill anybody this issue so his Lifetime Kill Count remains at 934.

Deathstroke #5 Rating: No change. This is a decently enjoyable comic book hampered by Tony S. Daniel's lazy writing. He just seems to be filling pages without actively remembering the things he's previously written as he goes along. He wants Deathstroke to fight Batman because that's something fans will love but it doesn't really make much sense. Batman was only there because of a tip from Harley but he gets embroiled in a battle that can easily lead to his death anyway. Why even engage in that confrontation when he can just tail Deathstroke to see what he's up to, especially when his lead came from Harley Quinn? And why is Odysseus now in Gotham when he was sending a team lead by Cheshire last issue? I suppose I have to allow for Harley's changes in motivation since she's a whimsical little pixie murderer. That's supposed to be ambiguous! Anyway, this comic book is doing what you'd expect from a Deathstroke comic book and I'm sure most people, sitting and reading it quickly, don't give a shit about the inconsistencies. Good for you! Enjoy!