Catwoman #39

The oversized boobs are to distract you from finding Balent's secret kitty.

Previously in Catwoman, a whole lot of stuff you didn't understand happened between a whole bunch of people whose relationships you couldn't keep straight. But it was all done so well that you put the comic book down and thought, "I just readed some smartish stuff!" Then you played Candy Crush Saga for an hour after which you contemplated suicide for fifteen minutes. Ultimately, you dropped the subject, knowing you didn't have the nerve to ever actually go through with it no matter how pointless your life had become, and headed off to eat some Chicken Fries from Burger King.

I hope Valentine begins this issue with some correspondence from some historical personage that I can understand. Who are some stupid women who wrote a lot of letters?! I hope the opening quote is by one of them!

Surprisingly, the letter is from a man! And it's understandable because he's stupid! It's from Cesare Borgia to his sister Lucrezia and he thinks good news is as good as medicine for curing illnesses! What a dope! Of course, it was 1502 and they probably thought a lot of weird shit could cure illnesses. Back then, doctors would witness something like somebody farting a lot on their deathbed only to get better so they began feeding dying people lots of beans. Although I should be careful belittling people from the past! I'm not one of those people that equates ancient culture with innocence and naiveté. When people think aliens had to help the Ancient Egyptians build the pyramids because they can't understand how they could have been built without machines and modern know-how, it just shows a lack of imagination on the part of the modern thinker. Humans were not dumber two thousand years ago. Hell, they began building the ladder of knowledge which we stand at the top of looking down on them and their accomplishments. Maybe a letter containing good news is better than medicine! What do I know? I'm not a doctor or an epistler!

As quickly as Catwoman rose to prominence in the Gotham Underworld, she's falling just as fast to Black Mask's coup.

Black Mask gets the families close to him to agree to an assassination of Selina Kyle. But Lewis of the Forster Lane Book Club rats Black Mask out to Detective Keyes. Somebody needs to draw a diagram showing the relationships between the crime families and the police and who trusts whom because my head is too full of Spaghetti-Os to keep it all straight.

Ugh, I can't believe I used to love Spaghetti-Os as a kid. I'm sure I'm still paying, in some manner, for all the cans of that crap I ate thirty years ago!

The assassination attempt fails and the assassin is killed. It's one of Falcone's men, so Selina learns that the Falcones are no longer standing with the Calabreses. So who's left that has her back? Eiko Catwoman, Batman, Mason, and The Book Club of Forster Lane? That's not so much an army as a sparse cocktail party with cucumber sandwiches and mimosas.

Mason wants Selina to work with the Blask Mask now that he's in good with the Hasigawas and the Falcones. But it's way too late for Selina to work with the Black Mask. The possibility of that alliance died with Nick. But Selina has Mason's ear and he's Black Mask's right hand man. She also has Eiko's...I don't know, heart, maybe? And she's the daughter of the head of the Hasigawa clan, so she's got some pull there as well. And Falcone is a minor player at this point having hidden in Hong Kong for the past five years or so. All of this intrigue is too much for me! If I were Selina, I'd just put the Catwoman costume back on and go steal a famous piece of jewelry.

The Penguin hasn't made a move yet. I'm sure he's going to kill somebody in a few pages.

Smart! Selina's not a great hand-to-hand combatant. But she's a top notch fuckfighter! Now she's in a position to crush Eiko if they ever get into another fight! Er, fuckfight!

The Penguin finally turns up in Black Mask's office offering an alliance with him. It's going to be hard pretending that The Penguin and Catwoman don't already know each other when they eventually meet up again. And then all of those Nocenti stories are going to bubble up to the surface like murder victims in Slaughter Swamp.

The issue ends with Selina taking Falcone's man hostage when he comes to apologize on behalf of Carmine Falcone who claims he had no knowledge of his man working with Black Mask. She plans on holding him unless Black Mask sends Mason in exchange. This way she can put pressure on Black Mask to make a choice between Mason or his relationship with the Falcones.

Catwoman #39 Rating: No change. One of my hopes and dreams for next issue: The Penguin murders Black Mask. DC Comics killed Harvey Dent last year, I think they can let Roman Sionis go as well. The Mask can just find another face to sit on. Another more hopeful dream: Selina and Eiko both dress up as Catwoman and reenact the fuck scene from Catwoman #1. Plus less criminal underworld intrigue. I don't have any synapses left to keep the characters and relationships straight! Maybe a few of them can all die over in Batman Eternal to lighten the load on my brain.

Batman #39

If that were my armrest, I'd never not have an erection.

Asses are pretty awesome, right? I feel like I should be more into breasts or vaginas or uterusses or ovaries since those are closely tied to femaleness for some reason and asses are just stuck right there on everybody no matter what. It's like if a bodyless ghost ass just started hovering around me going, "Ooooh! Oooooh! Touch me! Toooooouch me!" I'd be all, "Yeah! Okay!", and I'd touch the shit out of that ass. Um, I mean, I'd touch it a lot! Maybe later after I had my fill of ass touching (i.e., orgasmed), I might be all, "Oh hey? Are you a man ass or a lady ass? Please say lady ass!" Or maybe I probably shouldn't ask at all and just be content in the righteous ghost ass touching I engaged in. It's no different than having sex on a MUD! That's almost always with another male even if their character's sex box is marked female! As long as they're good at describing the sexual acts they're performing on my Monk/Thief/Barbarian, it's all sexy good funtimes!

The best MUDs are the ones where, upon encountering a monster, you have the options to fight, flee, or fuck it.

Stop distracting me with your butts, people! I'm going to read about Batman's butt now as it battles the Joker's butt.

Last issue, Batman headed underground to visit the Court of Owls. I had just assumed that they had disbanded and moved on to open strip mall tattoo parlors, pawn shops, and highway minigolf resorts. I guess a few of them decided to hang around their labyrinth and wait for Batman to die so they could once more reap the benefits of controlling Gotham.

We could learn a lot from the Court of Owls with their sense of history and place and their can-do attitude in the face of adversity. Or maybe just I can. I shouldn't assume you're all also ignorant, self-involved narcissists.

The Court of Owls are no help because Batman burned that bridge a few years ago. Does he think he can treat everyone like crap and they'll still rush to help him out of a sense of justice? Batman might be crazier than I thought. And I already thought his superpower was being crazy.

I think Batman knew deep down that the Court of Owls would not only refuse to help him but also sick their new Talon on him. This Talon is Death Talon the Reaper. It's possible Batman only came down here to get out some of his aggression on something he knows he can't kill so he can do whatever violence he wants to it. It's also possible he simply came down to get a sample of the Talon's blood to help figure out what The Joker has in his blood. The Court of Owls confirmed using a version of the Dionesium on the electrum inside the teeth of the Talons. Batman probably already detectived that and just came down for confirmation before wasting his time hacking up a Talon. Now that he knows it's true, he'll probably rip out the pancreas of this talon and take it back to the Batcomputer for testing.

Or he just came down for a different kind of confirmation.

As Batman emerges from the sewers having found out whatever he found out from Uriah Boone (probably lies! All lies! Although I secretly hope The Joker really is the Pennywise of Gotham), The Joker surfaces inside the Batcave. He was swimming into the cave like I suspected! And even better, Alfred blasts him with a shotgun like I hoped would happen! The only problem is that Alfred pulls the trigger from too far away, so The Joker's head doesn't explode all over the walls.

Well that went worse than I imagined it could have.

Maybe this is why Batman and Robin has been cancelled! Batman doesn't know how to properly raise Damian. He can't do it without Alfred's help! So if Alfred is killed, Batman will just throw in the towel and tell Damian he can do whatever he wants because Batman is just tired of raising kids. The youngest siblings always have the longest leashes.

Snyder wouldn't kill Alfred, would he? I mean, that's just fucked up. Sure, Penny-Two is efficient enough to handle the dispatch side of things but does she know how to make a good cup of tea?!

Hmm, I suppose she does since she's British. Never mind! Everything will continue as normal even with Alfred dead! Nobody will miss him since he's so easily replaced by his daughter.

I wonder if Damian will try to take Alfred to Apokolips to bring him back to life? I hope The Joker doesn't kill Batcow too!

Alfred manages to crawl into the armory and Penny-Two remotely locks him in so he doesn't get his ass killed by his innate stubbornness. Or by The Joker. Mostly The Joker. So Batman learns Alfred is stable because he probably had some proper coagulation tea on hand. They can't figure out why The Joker broke into The Batcave but I think Batman owes all the Batkids another huge apology for putting all of their lives in danger by revealing his identity to The Joker so long ago.

Anyway, The Joker decides it's time to throw a parade!

He must have dressed up some henchman in Jason Todd's Robin outfit as well, right?

Batman believes that The Joker is taunting him with wordplay to come get the Dionesium out of his spine which completely proves that Batman is fucking hallucinating. "He's taunting me! Why is he always taunting me?! Me, me, me!" Oh wait. The only thing that's ever on The Joker's mind is "Batman, Batman, Batman." Never mind. I'm sure Batman isn't hallucinating.

He's not hallucinating. He's just gone fucking nuts. Nutsier! Most nutsiest!

Batman gives a rousing halftime speech to his enemies about how Gotham is all of theirs and they need to protect it. What bullshit! Batman has never been willing to share Gotham ever! If any of these villains help Batman defeat The Joker (and I imagine they'll all take part in the battle), it'll be for reasons of their own. Poison Ivy probably wants to gut The Joker for breaking her bestie's heart. The Penguin knows how much money he'll lose if Gotham burns. Killer Croc will do it to protect his underground family. Mister Freeze probably wants some of that Dionesium for himself. Bane can't stand to see somebody besides himself or The Bat ruling Gotham. And Clayface is part of Batwoman's superhero team now! So of course they're all going to help! Besides, The Joker has gotten way to big for his clown pants and needs a serious dousing of seltzer.

Of course The Joker is happy to see everybody join the battle because that was probably his super duper farsighted super villain plan that super villains are constantly capable of pulling off in the face of the universe's random chaos. That's okay though! The Joker is allowed to be this cunning and devious because he has motivation whereas some asshole like Harvest just makes perfect plans because he's written by a lazy writer.

The backup Joker story ends this issue so that the conclusion of Endgame can fill the entire book next month. The conclusion of the backup story is that The Joker's past doesn't matter and nobody will ever know where he definitely came from. Unless we already do know. But then how do we know which version we've heard is true? In which case, as I said, it doesn't matter. The Joker is a monster because he represents the unknown and the randomness of the universe. He represents our own inability to ultimately control our own destinies. He is the bus we didn't see while speaking on our cell phones. He is the innocent bystander killed by a bullet from a shoot out five blocks away. He is the bump in the carpet at the top of the stairs, the tired driver on a two lane highway, the blood clot clinging precariously from the side of an artery. He is the reminder that death will come and none of us will ever truly be ready when it does.

Batman #39 Rating: +1 Ranking. Alfred has really taken a beating in The New 52. I might have to judge Scott Snyder harshly for the way he treats one of DC's best characters. What's next, Scott? Hacking him up and shoving him in the fridge? Dick. Other than that, I'm enjoying this story. The only issue I have is that The Joker has really become a mythic villain that can do pretty much anything he wants. He was always dangerous in his violence and madness but now he's nearly a supernatural entity! Batman needs to seriously think about building a Joker-sized oubliette in the Batcave and just throwing him in it to rot. The Dionesium makes him immortal now, right? So just build it deep and then park the Batmobile over it. He can be just another trophy for Bruce.

Gotham Academy #5

Stop copping a feel, Mister Grey!

I just finished watching the third season of American Horror Story, "Coven." It was basically just the X-men! A school for gifted children with special powers? A headmaster that wants to teach the children to fit in and pass among the rest while another, more powerful mutant witch wants to train them to fight. At first I thought Cordelia was Charles but then she has all of those eye problems and it's obvious she's Cyclops. Her mother Fiona seemed to be Magneto but then maybe she was just Charles Xavier when he was a big jerk. He was a big jerk at some point, right? Marie Laveau later turned out to be Magneto with her Brotherhood of Evil. Plus she and Fiona were like Fremeses which is totally the Magneto/Professor X relationship. Madison was kind of like Emma Snow although Nan had all the proper mind powers. Zoe was Kitty Pryde. Kyle was, I don't know, Wolverine or Deadshot or something. The Witchhunters were kind of like X-Factor but for real and not for show. I'm sure there were more similarities, like who Queenie and Misty represented, but I don't know as much about the X-men as I should. And I probably never will since Scott Lobdell wrote so much of it in the nineties.

The biggest problem with Coven is that Maps wasn't in it. It's time to read something with Maps in it!

It turns out the escaped Arkham inmate in the walls of Olive's dorm is Killer Croc although he drops the "killer" when he introduces himself to Olive. Smart!

Oh my god, Maps! You're breaking my heart! Oh, to be young again! And fictional!

Killer Croc gets spooked by Maps'sses (is that the proper way to make her name possessive?) voice and hightails it out of the attic. Hmm, was that insensitive? Since, you know, crocodiles can't actually raise their tails? I don't mean to be insensitive! I mean, I'm not racist or anything in all the ways white people think matter when it comes to racism. Like I don't oppress and hate groups of people based on generalizations and stereotypes about their race or ethnicity or gender or sex or overall level of sexual promiscuity (unless the level is low and then why am I wasting my time, amirite?!)! But I'm pretty sure my sarcasm and cynicism make me racist in my own head! My mind can't help but Mind-Tweet career ending comments at my own behaviors and actions whenever I deal with anybody. It's just that when my mind adds hilarious commentary about a white person, I don't think, "Fuck, dude, that was wrong." So when an old girlfriend of mine once told an extremely old lady who had just had hip surgery that it will be worth it in the long run, my mind goes, "Never say 'in the long run' to an old person!" A couple of nights ago, I was cleaning the floor of a grocery store which is closed. But a delivery guy comes by to drop off fruits and veg while I'm there. As he was leaving, I told him to feel free to move my ramp if it's ever blocking his way. Then he left and I thought, "Hmm, should I have used the phrase 'feel free' to a black guy?" I blame the media for my racism!

Didn't I say she'd only be concerned about how many experience points he was worth? Okay, she's pretty concerned about its Treasure Type as well. I didn't realize Maps was such a gold-digger.

As Olive and Maps continue to explore, Maps fantasizes about finding a treasure chest or a gelatinous cube. Maps would have been so in love with my junior high school self!

Eventually they find themselves in a large antechamber (unless it's just a chamber!) with the Wayne Manor insignia carved into the floor and doors leading in every compass direction. They hear some movement to the north but it leads to a blocked passage under the North Hall. Olive decides to call the expedition for the night and Maps places a question mark and a little doodle of a collapsed passage on her map before heading back to the dorms.

The next day, they regroup in Maps'sses room to brief their new party members, Pomeline and Colton.

I was wrong about the question mark but look at the collapsed passage! I think Maps and I are soulmates!

While they're making plans, Kyle, Olive's ex and Maps'sses brother, butts in.

Literally! Who enters a room this way?

Kyle acts all pissy that Olive might be putting Maps in danger by taking her on dungeon expeditions of the North Hall because he apparently doesn't know his sister at all. But Olive changes the subject and asks Kyle to the school dance even though she has hot pants for The Guy Who Reads. But taking Kyle to the dance is just her cover! Pomeline's cover is Heathcliff and Maps'sses cover is her roommate Katherine who has a bit of an Alice in Wonderland vibe going on. I think that whole dorm room is just full of win!

The adventurers ditch their dates as quickly as possible and head out on their expedition to find Killer Croc and ask him about Olive's mother. And if they happen to find a few potions and magic weapons, that's just gravy. And experience points for treasure found, of course!

Before they can set out, they need to retrieve Colton's thieves tools. Their first hurdle is a locked door to Hammer's office that can only be answered by finding the right combination on a rune lock.

I can't believe Maps missed the mimic! She'd be so disappointed! Also, Pomeline drops a Ghostbusters' reference on the next panel. She might be a bit geekier than she lets on!

Maps opens the lock easily because she knows her runes just like I do! I once had a dungeon master in high school (Welson Niggins! Friend of Soy Rakelson!) draw up a map for our party and he labeled a bunch of places with the runes used for Dwarfish in Tolkein's books. I took the map and began reading the place names as he looked on in surprise that such a cool looking dude as me could read runes. I'd learned them from the map that came with Ultima III!

I know all the stories I tell about my life make it sound like I looked exactly like the kind of person that would be able to read runes. But I offer this abridged, mostly true story in defense of my Cooleptitude! One time at a party, I flipped back my hair and said, "Hi, my name's Tess." And later that night, women (maybe just a woman) were (was?) yanking down my pants in front of a library near the house we'd been in earlier. I probably have tons more proof like that but I don't want to brag or make them up right now. I mean try to remember them.

Once past the door, the party of adventurers raid the place and pick out the weapons that will help establish their characters for the campaign to come.

See? Maps knows the importance of this initial outfitting ritual.

After they're all outfitted, they head to the Girls' Dormitory to slip back into the secret passageway. But before they can get there, Olive has a completely separate adventure all on her own! Or while the others watch from a distance? Anyway, she sees a Man-bat flying through the sky and brings it down with her new crossbow that she should probably name Batfeller. I'm super excited to see Man-bat shot out of the sky until it's revealed that he's not dead and that he's also The Guy Who Reads. He points out the obvious, that he has the Langstrom Virus, and then tells Olive about a day in the summer when he first saw her.

That's the perfect ice breaker! "When I first saw you, I witnessed you burn down a school. Now kiss me!"

Angsty Teenaged Boy-bat (Tristan is going to get a lot of nicknames as I avoid calling him anything but Tristan Grey) rescued Olive from the fire and then Old Lady MacPherson took her to the infirmary and asked The Guy Who Reads if he could keep an eye on Olive. And he said "I'll keep more than an eye on her!" while waggling an imaginary cigar.

Maps comes running out of nowhere and manages to scare away yet another monster worth valuable XP. Apparently Olive did lose the rest of her group as she went on her Man-boy adventure.

I don't think there's enough comic left for a dungeon crawl. Maybe just a page or two to cover Kyle's anger when he realizes he's been ditched at the Valentine's Day Dance.

Except fuck Kyle and the dance apparently because the action picks up with the party crawling up out of the pit and into the North Hall where they lure Killer Croc to them with snack cakes! Killer Croc tells some good stories about how he threw rocks at Batman and how he almost bit Batman's balls off and how the new Robin totally almost killed him like eighteen times already. Everybody is having a good time and just as he begins to open up about Sybil Silverlock and her knowledge of secret tunnels connecting Arkham with Gotham Academy, Batbuzzkilljoywrecker crashes the party. Fuck you, Batman! Aren't you in enough books each month?!

Gotham Academy #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. I've always wanted a DC Comic book that combines all of my favorite things like the DC Universe and Dungeons and Dragons and Degrassi Junior High and Sailor Moon all in one package. Now if this comic book were sold with a free package of Oreos, it would be the most perfect thing ever.

Secret Origins #10

Batgirl
Batgirl's origin was that she saw The Music Man and was all, "Yeah! Girls can do anything boys can do better! I'll show that Batman!" Then she drove around Gotham on her moped fighting crime. Robin saw her one night and was all, "Batman! Batman! We have to train that red headed girl so that she doesn't get hurt and also because I have no confidence and am not willing to ask her out like a normal person so I'll get to know her by sparring with her!" And Batman was all, "Yeah, okay, whatever."

I think I totally nailed the essence of Batman's character in my guess about Batgirl's origin. And it is a guess because I have no idea what her origin really was. I'm sure it involved a motorcycle though! And a burning desire to prove that a girl can be a hero as well. And maybe a little rebelliousness because she was tired of being the straight laced daughter of the Commissioner. And if women are anything like men (I'm willing to bet they are, contrary to what the media tells me!), she was probably mostly doing it to score cocks. I mean "cocks" as in the opposite of "chicks" and not "cocks" as in the opposite of "pussies". I mean "pussies" as in "vaginas" and not "pussies" as in "cats" because you might think since I was talking about cocks, I might bring cats into it. And by "cocks," I meant "roosters"!

I'm confused. You know what? Let's move on!

Is this one of those activity books where I'm supposed to draw in the naughty bits?

I think I got most of that right.

I might have gotten the crotch of the woman wrong because I was assuming women have hair there but then I saw this year's cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue and now I'm not so sure.

Hell, I'm not sure there's any room left down there for anything! Are female mannequins actually anatomically correct? What does the pee come out of?!

I'd like to point out that the above picture is not, technically, pornography. It's right there on the cover of Sports Illustrated for everybody to see. So, ladies, the next time you're in a checkout line in the grocery store with this magazine on the rack and at least one man in the same line as you, realize that you are in the presence of a semi-erect penis.

Batgirl's secret origin begins with her in one of those medical tubes that scans your body. I don't have time to ask Lord Google what it's called! You know what I'm talking about! It's got magnetic in the name so I know Babs isn't wearing a bra in the following scene where she and her father are talking to the doctor. I guess Jim's glasses are all plastic.

Babs is being scanned to check out the damage to her spine so this is a few years earlier. I hope it's not too many years earlier since she's only just turned twenty-one and now I'm feeling weird about having painted six nipples onto her underage body!

Aha. So this must be the explanation as to how her mind was able to be scanned and copied and turned into some A.I. nemesis!

Barbara meets Frankie in the hospital, so they've known each other for some time now. I was under the assumption that she just found the apartment on gotham.craigslist.org.

Barbara remembers that story from Batgirl #0 where she donned some police kevlar made up to look like a Batman suit to save her soon-to-be-a-serial-killer brother from some thugs raiding the Gotham Police Department. And then she beat the crap out of this huge guy, after which Batman walked in and caught her making muscles and yelling, "Who just got owned, bitch?!" So that's how she got the idea to become Batgirl. I totally forgot about that origin!

Pretty soon the Narrator, who claimed to be Batgirl even though it's been in computerized font, begins to see images from Gail Simone's run of Batgirl and Duane Swierczynski's run of Birds of Prey which it doesn't recognize.

This isn't Batgirl's origin at all! It's the origin of Batgirl's thesis!

Batgirl Secret Origin Rating: +2 Ranking. This was pretty clever. We've already had Batgirl's origin (even if I'd forgotten it! That was like two and a half years ago!) but this was a cute way to remind everybody of it while also delving into other parts of her life that have been left pretty vague. It's also a nice look at her time as New 52 "Oracle." While that character never really existed, we get Barbara writing a computer program that uses her abilities to ferret out crime. Sounds an awful lot like Oracle to me. But now her criminology thesis has gone AWOL, become sentient, and has decided to take her down because she's an imposter. It's even been calling her boyfriend and engaging in art projects! After Batgirl defeats it, will she imprison it in a computer in Belle Reve where it will eventually work with the Suicide Squad?

Firestorm
Oh boy! A Firestorm romance story! It's been too long since I've read about Ronnie and Jason's boners for each other. I bet this origin story will be about how Jason developed a crush on the high school quarterback, Ronnie Raymond. But Ronnie knew, high school being a hive of scum and villainy, the other guys would give him the business if they knew he was gay. So he had to pretend not to like Jason. He pretended so hard that he even believed it was true that he didn't like Jason. This caused a lot of conflict and missed connections. But then they did it and boom! Firestorm! But Ronnie still pretends that they don't do it. He only rubs pee-pees with Jason for justice, not for sexy good time feelings.

Well, not exactly!

Poor Tonya. All that delicious man-meat around her and none of it trying to find its way between her legs or into her mouth. You can tell she's sexually frustrated from the YouTube video she's making. "Blow you." "Two dudes." "Always had a chance." "Plenty of notice." Tonya needs it bad!

"Yeah, mom. That dog's dick was delicious!"

"I'd give my left arm if I could watch it all the time!"

Well, not exactly!

Tonya is trying to paint this picture of two guys that were complete opposites because everybody knows how opposites attract! And how they complete each other! And how they do anal!

Eventually, Ronnie and Jason each turned into a different version of Firestorm. They were complete opposites! One was red and yellow while the other was yellow and red! One had the insignia on his right side and the other on his left side! It was so adorable. You could just tell at that moment they were created that they had been made for each other!

Tonya describes their triumphs and travails as they battled people like Pozhar and Multiplex to eventually catch the eye of the Justice League. She's making the recording for posterity. Or for a super villain to find and exploit! That reason for the video would be more exciting. But mostly, she's making it for her friends.

Aw! These two!

Firestorm Origin Story Rating: +1 Ranking. This origin story could have been a little bit better if we'd learned more about Ronnie's racist mother or how Jason's father regained his left arm! I guess those will just have to remain intriguing mysteries to be delved into when Firestorm eventually gets his own series again.

Poison Ivy
Preboot Poison Ivy's origin story had something to do with having sex with a college professor who then broke her heart and deserved to be fed to a gigantic Venus Fly Trap. Or something. I spent too much time on the other two origins so I'm running out of steam here! That was the best I could do.

Oh! But I do remember that in The New 52, her mother was abused by her father so she killed him and buried him in the garden. She also may have been abused.

This issue seems to be a Christy Marx anti-fan fiction about Monsanto.

Go get 'em, Pam!

This is one of the reasons we know our legal system is corrupt and functions best for those who have the money to keep the gears greased: Monsanto has been able to sue small farmers for theft when their soybean crops have been corrupted by Monsanto's genetically engineered crops. For the life of me, I've never understood how that lawsuit isn't the reverse. How do the farmers not have a case against Monsanto for ruining their crops? The small farmers don't want Monsanto's bullshit crops. And especially if it's an organic farm! Their entire company is ruined if they're tainted by genetically modified soybeans! How is that not a suit against Monsanto for damage done to their business and reputation? Logically, it drives me nuts. But I already answered those questions previously with that whole thing about money driving the legal system. If you have enough, you can sue for any fucking thing in the world, even if you know you won't win. If you've got enough, you just keep dragging your feet until your opponent's lawyer's fees drive them out of the case. America! Fuck yeah!

Poison Ivy makes her way to the CEO of Descanto where she kisses him which, as we all know, now means he's under her control. She asks him to drop the lawsuit and pay the organic farmer reparations. Now that's what should be happening! Then she tells him her origin story because why not? Well, I know why not! If she doesn't then she's blemishing the title of this comic book!

Okay, so I can't remember shit very well.

Poison Ivy goes on to get a doctorate in Sexy Mind Control which leads to a job at Wayne Enterprises. Just her luck, the CEO of that company is the only person in Gotham immune to Sexy Mind Control! So she loses that job and is covered in her secret serum sauce as security manhandles her out of the building. Then she began fucking a sexy clown and running around with a group called The Birds of Prey even though Poison Ivy isn't any kind of bird that I've ever heard of. I mean, bats aren't birds either but at least that's closer. And I guess Katanas are something totally different as well. I guess the group was just named that because the members were birds (you know, girls! Chicks! Females even!) and/or had bird themes (like Condom! I mean Condor!).

The only problem with this story is that it's fiction. Where's our real life Poison Ivy to stick it to Monsanto?!

Poison Ivy Secret Origin Rating: +1 Ranking. Most of this was already covered in Poison Ivy #1 but it was informative in other ways that made it worth reading! Christy Marx hits all the good points about what makes genetically modified crops, and the business surrounding them, bad ideas for humans and the world. I'm not staunchly against genetically modified organisms! But I'm definitely against irresponsibility when it comes to creating and using them. Creating seeds that can sprout but cannot create new seeds which can sprout themselves, and then putting these seeds out into the world where they can cross-pollinate with other plants resulting in more infertile and dead end plants is simply insane. But perhaps genetically modified crops can be used to correct some of the mono-culture mistakes we've made in the past. Perhaps. It's also possible that creating new crops of species that used to have many varied types but were farmed by us into one plant could be like introducing foxes into Australia to cure the rabbit problem. Now I think we really need a Poison Ivy to fix our world!

World's End #21

Oliver Queen is a dick.

I hate to compare comic books to real life (no I don't! But it was the only way I could think to begin this!), but lets see how long it takes for a cop to shoot your ass when one sees you running around the city impaling people with arrows. Then when they're hauling your ass to jail for assaulting people with a sorta-deadly-I-guess weapon, you can explain to them that you're just trying to save the city. Then they'll ask you, "From what, you psycho?" You won't have an answer for that one! At least, not a very specific answer. Or one that doesn't piss them off completely because I'd agree with you if your answer was "From the police department's systemic racism and wild incompetence!"

Here's how every episode of Arrow goes:

Character #1: "How dare you keep a secret from me!"
Character #2: "It was for your own good!"
Character #1: "I hate you forever!" storms off to pout
Character #2: "Well shit. I'm certainly not telling her/him about all of the other secrets now!"

This issue begins...hell, it doesn't fucking matter where it begins. Pick any one of the fifteen different plots going on and then imagine that nothing really happens with it for two pages before switching to one of the other plots.

See? Hawkcop and The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick get one page where they're fighting confetti and reminding the reader that they're trying to save the world. Next!

That scene was taking place inside the Earth in Atom Shaven. Don't ask me why the people of Earth decided to hide underground while an alien planet is busy above ground destroying the Earth. It must be the same mentality that causes victims in horror movies to hide in closets.

Above the Earth, Val-el, Power Girl, and Tornado Lane are battling satellites from Apokolips that are busy chopping up and preparing the Earth to become a meal for Apokolips. Val-el is concerned that all of this violence isn't really helping. Well, asshole, maybe you can sit down with the planet over coffee and share some poetry. Besides, I've caught you punching sentient creatures in previous issues and now you're hesitating over destroying a satellite? Buck up, honey pie! Get your hands bloody or Earth-2 is doomed!

Actually, Earth-2 is doomed anyway. But at least if you punch a few satellites, Power Girl will be able to look you in the eye when it's over. And with the "S" symbol covering her boob window, you'll be able to look her in the eye!

Val-el really wants to try the coffee and poetry strategy.

Meanwhile, Replacement Batman and The Huntress are welcomed into Red Arrow's Transformer. He serves them coffee but nobody recites any poetry. But I think he's going to tell The Huntress a secret! I hope she doesn't get pissed off that he didn't tell her earlier because this comic book doesn't have enough issues left to deal with Thea's Laurel's Detective Lance's Oliver's Tommy's Felicity's Diggle's Slade's Helena's pouting subplot.

I'm actually surprised when Red Arrow reveals what the Trinity gave him to protect. I'm not surprised by what it was but that it didn't take eight issues to get around to it.

That's arrogant. Why is it so important to save all the knowledge from Earth-2? I suppose it can be used to write a bunch of semi-entertaining comic books.

In case you've forgotten, Dick Grayson is still looking for his son. And Babs is still dead. And the super villains Constantine rescued from Arkham Stasis Asylum are helping evacuate Earth. I think. Maybe. But only for their own benefit somehow, I'm sure.

The Mister Misters (Mister Eight, Mister Terrific, Mister Miracle, and company) get the multiversal bleed ship up and running. But Terry Sloan doesn't take it to Earth to save everyone. Instead, he crashes it into Apokolips. Don't worry! He has one of those Harvest plans! It might look like they all just died and all hope of saving any Twofers is lost but that's part of the plan! Probably.

Sloan also explains how Universe-2 is a feeder Universe. This was mentioned in World's End #11, the one I wrote a sonnet for, so I might not have explained the whole feeder universe thing very well. You see, Highfather made a deal with Darkseid. If Darkseid would calm down and stop trying to kill every universe in the multiverse, Highfather would give him a few universes where Apokolips could run around eating up planets willy nilly. Terry Sloan's original universe was one of these. He claims he saved it but I think he just made the same kind of deal with Darkseid there that he made here. The deal is kind of shitty for everybody but Sloan though since basically he traded everybody's lives for his own. Don't think of Terry Sloan as an asshole! Look at him as somebody with initiative and foresight!

World's End #21 Rating: -1 Ranking. Convergence can't get here soon enough! Mostly just because this series has to be over by the end of this month, right? Just four issues left? Maybe? Please? OH GOD PLEASE!

Batman Eternal #47

I suppose it was only a matter of time before Hush escaped. They probably shouldn't have been feeding him.

Last issue, Batman crossed Ra's al Ghul off the list of potential bad guys. I think he's out of bad guys to blame! He's even crossed Crazy Quilt and the Ten-Eyed Man off that list! Unless the bad guy is Bat-mite, I think Batman needs to start interrogating his friends. Is Aquaman into pranking people?

This issue begins with Selina putting up her own Bat-signal. Actually it begins with Hush conflating dreams with nightmares but Hush is hardly ever worth talking about. And since he's on the cover, this is probably going to be a short commentary.

Batman is probably still busy in Pakistan, so Julia Pennyworth puts on a mask with a bat on it and heads off to discuss business with Selina Kyle. I guess Selina doesn't know how to conduct business when she's not constantly being lectured, so she tells Julia to go away. Julia decides going away is a worse option than kicking Selina's ass.

Catwoman is at a disadvantage when her combatant drops the fuck from the fuckfighting.

After losing the fight to Julia, Selina waits to see if Julia undresses her. When she doesn't, Selina simply gives Julia the information she had for Batman. Basically it amounts to "Get ready for Knightfall II: The Return of Knightfall!"

Batman returns to Gotham disappointed that he's not going to be battling Ra's al Ghul because that usually sells loads of comic books. But he'll be happy to learn that all of his usual enemies are loaded up with toys to create havoc in Gotham. That should kill a few hours.

Batman tells Julia that she needs to contact the rest of the Bat-family and she's all, "Duh! Already did. Don't worry about it!" Too bad Damian isn't back to life yet in this series. He'd get this mystery wrapped up in the snap of a neck.

Batwing takes on the Scarecrow who is using his gift to do the same old thing he always does and spray fear gas all over the citizens of Gotham. The only difference is he's using Waynetech drones to deliver the gas. Clayface is using his gift to film a movie as Batman since he was given Batman's cowl by the unknown benefactor. And Bluebird winds up tracking down Mr. Freeze who is building a frozen family moment from the fifties for him and his cryogenically frozen wife Nora. The first two match ups seem okay but Bluebird against Mr. Freeze? What's she going to do? Hack into his cold suit? Hmm, I bet that's exactly what she does!

How do they even know who The Joker's Daughter is? When did she become notorious?

As Julia begins getting updates from Red Hood, the lights in the cave go out and she's knocked unconscious. It seems Hush asked a pal to come by for a visit. Too bad Julia couldn't stay on the line just a few seconds longer because then she would have found out that Jason Todd loves huffing farted in, used gym socks. I think that's Seeley's commentary on how poorly Jason Todd has been written by Scott Lobdell in The New 52. He just seems like the kind of guy who loves farting in dirty socks and then sucking in the aroma.

Also, Jason Todd learns that the shipment he was following was a supersuit constructed for Bane. So now Bane is extra dangerous. Maybe since this is the Knightfall sequel, he'll get to break two bats this time!

Things aren't that serious if you're contacting a second rate Lois Lane.

Hush's friend isn't revealed this issue although it's somebody who knows Batman's secrets. I'm all out of guesses. Unless it's Aunt Harriet.

Hush launches Julia Pennyworth into Gotham Bay where she'll get to swim to the city and participate in Knightfall II. Hush mentions this is the eve of destruction so this comic book must be close to ending.

Batman Eternal #47 Rating: No change. For the most part, I've enjoyed this series for nearly a year now. But forty eight issues is a little much to introduce the back of a character's head in the first issue and then tease his (or hers! It might be Aunt Harriet!) identity for what equates to four years of monthly comic books. That's a long time to dangle a carrot! Most people after a month or two would be all, "Fuck this. It's just a fucking carrot anyway!" I suppose it's better than what's going on over in World's End where we know the outcome of that comic book so there's nothing to look forward to except the day when the comic book stops appearing in our pull boxes.

Futures End #43

Mega-Brainiac was like a god on his home planet but now that he's visiting New York? Simply another Godzillerfield.

It's hard to believe that there are people in the world who enjoy comic books but don't enjoy my blog. What are they doing with their lives? Failing, presumably! This blog is the perfect companion piece to reading DC Comics! Especially if you don't really care that the experience doesn't add anything to your life. It's actually stealing minutes from your life! And you're left no better for the time wasted! Ha ha! You're so going to regret reading this blog on your deathbed.

Oh! But wait! My caption for this first scan will be totally worth it!

He is alive! And he has an erection!

Mega-Brainiac's plan to steal Manhattan has failed because Ray Palmer pulled the old pretend to be obliterated but actually just shrink down to microscopic size ploy which nobody ever expects for some reason. He's called The Atom, people! That's a clue to his powers! Plus, you've probably seen him shrink once or twice. Anybody who is fooled by The Atom's fake death shrinking tactic needs to go back to super villain school.

But now that Mega-Brainiac's mega-plan has been nixed, he's just stomping around New York like a Kaiju. And to top off his failure sundae, Brother Eye has come back to take over the world himself!

Superman comes around and Lois decides if she doesn't interview him now, she'll never get another chance. So she wastes his time asking questions as Mega-Brainiac kicks over a few more buildings. During the interview, Lois Lane mentions Batman and Superman yells, "No more questions!" What did that Batdude do to him during the war?

Ha ha! He means go to Plan B! I bet Giffen wrote this page!

While Mega-Brainiac begins manually stealing Manhattan, most of the other characters meet up at Terrifitech. Like Mister Terrific and Batman, Red Robin, Plastique, Coil, and The Key, and pretty soon Terry McBatman as well. They're probably going to have to come up with some kind of plan or something because right now, nobody is really doing much of anything. Mister Terrific is stroking his own ego while Batman tries to dodge the ejaculate. Red Robin and Plastique are just stepping over dead Terrifitech employees. Coil and The Key are wondering where they've been for so many issues. And Terry McBatman is just flying around doing absolutely no good for anybody. When are they all going to slip into the Preboot universe?! I'm tired of waiting and paying $2.24 every week to wait some more!

I get a discount from my comic book store!

There's some discussion about how much Plastique loves dick--unless it was Dick? Who can tell when DC refuses to use lower case letters--and then this happens:

Whoops! I hope time doesn't unravel completely now!

Plastique survives how all good guys survive when they're yanked out of a window by the bad guy! She avoids exploding and grabs onto a ledge. Terry McBatman rescues her and they kiss passionately. That's me using my imagination. They actually just have a junior high school level kiss. And Terry McBatman doesn't even take off his face latex.

Finally, Mega-Brainiac begins flying Manhattan back to his spaceship and Mister Terrific finally admits that he's been used and he's a dupe and he's probably the third stupidest person on Earth now.

Futures End #43 Rating: -1 Ranking. Not much happened here. Even Lois and Superman reuniting was flat and boring. Shouldn't there have been a finger bang at least, or a hand job? This issue really mostly felt like filler. Almost as if the writers are working by a schedule which demands that this series end on a specific date. So they might have to stretch out a few plot points or they might end too early.