World's End #4

Is this the scariest image of Death the World's End creators could come up with? A pregnant woman with a mullet?

I don't have a problem with mullets. I think it's about time we all stop shaming people for poor fashion choices and haircuts everybody knows look fucking awful. Let people do what they want! Besides, the only reason people with mullets get ridiculed so much is because mainstream society has designated mullets as one of the few choices a person makes that can be wholeheartedly made fun of. It's disgusting and we should all stop doing it immediately. Or we should allow that it's okay to make fun of anybody for any reason at all.

What I'm actually waiting for is for somebody to come up with a medical diagnosis that causes a person to have to have a mullet so that mullet wearers can have a label just like everybody else. That way when someone makes fun of them, they can pull out their label and reverse shame the shamer! "How dare you?! I have a condition! A condition, you unsympathetic bastard!" Sometimes I think the reason everybody wants to be diagnosed with something is so that they have some kind of defense against assholes. "I have social anxiety, you dick! You're not allowed to make jokes at my expense!"

Fuck labels. You don't need a label to defend yourself. You just need the confidence to be yourself and to shout, "FUCK YOU, YOU MISERABLE PIECE OF SHIT!" whenever anybody targets you with the slightest, most innocuous, probably not even meant the way you interpreted it comments! This ability has allowed me to survive amongst a whole host of extroverted monsters constantly trying to get me to participate in their "society." And they rarely ever tell me they have a condition when I start making fun of them!

Extrovert: "Why are you constantly inside on the computer? You should come to my party this weekend!"
Tess: "FUCK YOU, YOU NEEDY BASTARD! 'Daddy! Daddy! Look at me!'"
Extrovert: "What the hell? Are you okay? It's just, you seem to be missing out on life."
Tess: "FUCK YOU! Drinking yourself into a stupor every weekend and fucking a different face every night will be a grand legacy to leave to all of your bastard children!"
Extrovert: "Jesus. Sorry I tried to help. You really could use some fresh air. And maybe a shower."
Tess: "FUCK YOU! I'll shower when I'm good and ready and not sad, you dickhole!"
Extrovert: "Fine! I'm leaving!" (Extrovert leaves)
Tess: "Why doesn't anybody ever want to do anything with me?"

I have no idea what's been going on with Fury, Scott, and Barda's relationship with the people of Earth-2 which, I think, means I'm as confused as the writers. But it seems the writers are finally settling on an alliance between groups.

Back in Geneva, Switzerland (I forgot to look at a map! Luckily, the editors finally told me where Geneva is located. Although they're probably wrong since they don't even know where the Fortress of Solitude is located half of the time), Replacement Batman and his team prepare to enter the Geneva Firepit to look for clues. I never watched much Blue's Clues but I'm confident that the clues they will find will be fire, heat, and third degree burns. Salt and Pepper agree with me.

The scene shifts to Apokolips where my entire day is ruined by what Apokolips (the planet is a person is a throne is a thing? What?) and his sniveling court of snivelers discuss.

No! Not that! Not Scott Lobdell's boring, fucked up versions of the Silver Surfer and Galactus combined with bits of The Watcher.

This Apokoliptian Court needs more intrigue and dances and wigs and John Malkoviches.

Atlantis has fallen to Death so Aquawoman does what the World Army would in a losing situation: she launches the Armageddon Bomb. Or whatever Atlantis's equivalent to a doomsday device is. It's probably the Kraken. Or a giant squid that spins its tentacles really quickly so that it can fly and then spray hallucinogenic ink all over the world causing everyone to think their own flesh is made of delicious, gooey caramel.

And then Solomon Grundy returns to hassle Alan Scott. Because the Apokoliptian invasion wasn't enough! I suppose Grundy being the Avatar of the Grey (not to be confused with the Avatar of the Gray who is the avatar of fungus. Grundy is the Earth-2 Avatar of The Rot), he's going to be attracted to the death and destruction left behind in Pestilence's wake.

Some other things that happen: Dick and Babs decide to begin some kind of crime fighting unit in Chicago; Barda, Fury, and the Three Misters decide to infiltrate Apokolips and kill its living heart; Desaad reappears inside the Fire Pit in Geneva. None of it is terribly funny.

World's End #4 Rating: No change. Why is everything ending? Worlds and futures! At least Batman is eternal so we don't have to worry about him. But I am kind of worried about the pacing on this comic book and how much trouble it is to comment on when each thread of the plot reveals itself one or two pages at a time. I may have to change my style on my commentaries for this book and actually read the entire comic book before writing about it. What a pain in the ass you are, World's End! FUCK YOU!

Batman Eternal #30

If only there were some famous quote that would fit this image so perfectly that it would be overdone so that I wouldn't want to use it anyway!

Last issue, Arkham Asylum was destroyed in a fount of existential vengeance! I think Madame Xanadu probably should have warned Batman that this could happen. You can't keep that many angry, insane, monstrous psyches underneath one roof without something suitably poltergeistian happening! Buildings are constantly subsumed by the psychic energies poured into reality by psychotic minds. It's a known fact that I'm fairly certain Neil deGrasse Tyson mentioned on Cosmos. Unless it was Carl Sagan that mentioned it on that other show, Cosmos. It's also possible I'm remembering something Velma said.

Also blasted by the Beam of Pure Vengeance: a passing 737 full of people willing to fly Lexair. Don't they know they're contributing to the downfall of Superman? Batman commands Penny-Two to launch the Batplane on autopilot and it will save the plane all by itself. That's convenient! And totally believable! What isn't believable is that Penny-Two has only recently sat down in front of the Batcomputer and she knows how to operate it without any extra help from Batman besides instructions like "Launch Batplane and execute plan Drag That Bitch To Safety."

Why is Alysia suddenly manning the Batcomputer? Shouldn't she be Penny-Three?

Oh wait! I know those tiny, weasel eyes! Fernando Pasarin is drawing this issue! Are you ready for some overly long torsos as well?!

I asked if you were ready!

Somebody in a suit with a smooth head approaches The Joker's Daughter while shushing her. I think it's either The Question or Black Mask. Probably Black Mask because The Question hasn't been very important to The New 52 so far even though he was cast as one of The Trinity of Sin who seem to be important for some reason that has never been articulated very well. It could also be her father with some new LexCorps technology strapped over his face so that he can grow a new one.

Why is Deacon Blackfire summoning every character that was ever in a Perry Bible Fellowship comic strip?

The Spectre finally awakens to tell Deacon Blackfire, politely yet firmly, that he will not be unleashing hell on Gotham. He also says it sensually because he has an enormous erection. I think. No wait, maybe that's his thigh? Or the crotch on some baggy pants? You know what? Forget about that. At least he's finally arrived to save the day! Although he's a bit too late to save Arkham Asylum.

The Spectre seals the portal to Hell and sends Deacon Blackfire back to wherever secondary characters go when they've done their job of advancing the plot past where they're needed. Batwing helps Jim escape while The Joker's Daughter goes off with her mystery date. And when I say "Batwing helps Jim escape," I mean he helps Jim escape while he remains trapped under the rubble of Arkham.

All the inmates inside of Arkham, including Alfred Pennyworth, die in the building's collapse. Except I read Arkham Manor #1 and Alfred wasn't dead in that even though it took place after this. So there is still hope for everybody! Plus, Bane was in the scene where Alfred was freaking out about the earthquake. And no way is Bane going to be killed!

Batman is on scene having just helped save the Lexair flight, so he goes running to the crater to help. While he does that, the Gotham Police arrive to arrest him and/or shoot him. What the fuck is wrong the the Gotham Police? Can people stop writing them as spineless, corrupt pawns that do nothing but abandon the good people of the city and ignore violent crime and villains while trying to kill and/or arrest the only person making a difference?

At the bottom of the crater, Batman encounters The Joker's Daughter who is all dressed up for Halloween as her father on the day he killed Jason Todd. It's pretty creative! But then the comic book ends without Alfred having been saved so I'm going to have to point out how editorial was wrong in Arkham Manor #1 about the events taking place after this issue. We've got at least one more issue to go because Alfred should probably be accounted for.

Batman Eternal #30 Rating: No change. In this issue, Arkham Asylum collapses and the Gotham Police are once again portrayed as dumb fucking assholes. That's pretty much it.

Futures End #26

Halfway through this series! Probably!

Sometimes, reading Futures End feels like waiting for my number to be called at the DMV. Let's move it along, people!

My favorite book when I was a single digit old monster was Sam and the Firefly. I think the book was supposed to teach me to be kind or something but I'm pretty sure all it taught me was that chaos was fun. I definitely didn't learn to use my words for good as Gus the Firefly did by the end of the book. The evidence of that failure is this entire blog. While, once again, digging through my bookshelf of old children's books looking for Sam and the Firefly (which I can never find but I keep looking anyway), I found this Golden Book:

"Hey look! A small boy choking on a cork! I should give him the Heimlich and save his life!"

That caption isn't what Brer Rabbit thinks at all! What Brer Rabbit actually does is he says hello, waits for a response, and when the stranger doesn't respond, he punches him in the face. No wonder Brer Fox and Brer Bear wanted to kill him. Brer Rabbit was an asshole!

I didn't scan this cover to talk about Brer Rabbit's horrible social skills though. When I saw the tar baby on the cover, I decided to look up the term "tar baby" to see if it's still in use. I figured if it were still common, it was probably only used by old white men, probably from the south, and it probably indicates they're racist even if they're not using it as a slur at the time! Turns out Republicans still pull it out of their lexicon from time to time. And then they get a bunch of heat for using it and refuse to apologize and it all blows up in their face! So the term "tar baby" has become a tar baby in and of itself!

The term still seems like a useful and viable term to say something very particular, but regarding its popular culture history and the history of this country and the way the term is also used as a racial slur, it's probably a term that politicians should be giving a wide berth. Why do people insist on using words or phrases that are uncomfortable or that have a negative history tied to their usage? You know, words like "retard" or "cunt." Oh. Um. Uh...forget this whole discussion! Let's move on! Nothing to remember or learn from this!

What was I not talking about that I should have been talking about?

This needed to be a full page instead of one tiny little panel because why?

Have comic book readers been so abused by the people seemingly in charge of the entire medium so thoroughly that they simply accept with tired resignation pages like the previous scan of Doctor Yamazake? Who turns the page, sees this, and thinks, "Wow! A scientist standing with his hands in his pockets! Fucking cool!"? Do the majority of fans simply turn to this page, read it, and flip past without feeling completely ripped off? It just feels like the script was one page short so the artist was told to simply take one panel from the end or beginning of one of the pages and blow it up to a full page splash, no matter how boring it is. Can I even call this a splash? Doesn't that term carry the connotation of excitement? Or, at the very least, movement? Where's the kineticism? Where's the vibrancy?

The first panel on the following page extends the width of two pages even though it's just Jason Rusch standing there responding to Doctor Yamazake. So my "One Page Short" theory holds water! These panels could have been planned with less wasted space! If, you know, anybody actually cared about the quality of the product. It's also possible that this page was supposed to create some kind of tension as the reader wonders whose lab access is being revoke by Doctor Yamazake. Except, you know, Jason Rusch was the only other person with access to the lab. So that theory does not hold water!

Jason is kicked from the lab because he's Firestorm which means he's the enemy of Doctor Yamazake! He's one of those arrogant heroes that refuse to share their technology and their power with the rest of the world. They lord it over all mankind from their high-tech mansion in space, emptying their septic tank onto the heads of the masses while laughing and smoking fat cigars from alien civilizations. Now I'm mad at the Justice League too! Fuckers!

Madison wanders into Doctor Yamazake's lab looking for Jason and not to be a guinea pig. But sometimes we don't always get what we want! Or what we need!

I'm going to write an essay called "Women in Teleporters" now!

While Madison Payne becomes Madison Brundlefly (I bet she winds up with super powers! Teleportation powers! AMBUSH BUG POWERS!), Terry McBatman and Plastique plan their next plan of the plan: recruiting Red Robin. That sounds like a stupid plan. And Plastique agrees with me!

You can't stop the future from happening! Dumb dumb!

The reason Terry McBatman can ask Red Robin for help is because there is no trace of Red Robin in the future. So nobody has to worry about a paradox destroying the universe! Whew! That's one less universe destroying thing everybody has to worry about. I bet Red Robin doesn't exist in the future because he's named Harvest in the future and he's a vampire. Y'all thought I forgot about that, didn't you?! It will be revealed soon that I was right! I'M ALWAYS RIGHT!

You know what's really annoying? Brother Eye always says "eye" instead of "I" even though how can anybody fucking tell the difference when he's speaking? From now on, whenever I type "I", realize I'm actually thinking "SexMuffin71". That's two better than "69" so just imagine that, right? RIGHT? Two better!

Brother Eye gives Fifty-Sue a packet of information about her creation. She is test subject 52 and she was created using 52 DNA strands. That means she's, um, let's see, carry the something...three times better than Superboy! I mean, seventeen times better than Superboy! Jesus fuck!

That's become my new swear for when I'm really angry. I mean really angry and not fake angry. It's unconscious. It just steams out of my mouth in a spray of foam and spittle. "JESUS FUCK!" If I could consciously change it, I'd make it "Jesus fucked" so that it becomes a parody of "Jesus wept." But I'm not really in control when my stupid fucking computer takes more than a few seconds to load a webpage! You are supposed to be the future, computer! You are suppose to go at future speeds! Stop acting like an Atari 2600, you piece of shit!

Brother Eye also shows Fifty-Sue that the one person she admires and thinks of as her friend, Slade Wilson, is taking steps to betray her. Well, Christ always needs a Judas. And Slade has been known to enjoy stories with the name "Judas" in them! And my poor, beloved, dear, fifteen year friend whom I lost recently was named Judas! I think that fits somehow.

No! No more mentions of the frog and the scorpion! And now that you guys have told the old woman/snake variant, no more telling that one either! And while we're discussing stuff I don't want to read in my comic books because they've been all over social media for way too fucking long, stop telling that story about the wolf that survives is the one that you feed!

Finally, Batman plays marriage counselor to Ronnie Raymond and Jason Rusch, telling them to stop bickering, forget their petty problems, and just fucking merge again. The world needs Firestorm! Brother Eye needs Firestorm! I mean, he will need him but nobody probably knows that yet. The world probably would have been better off if Batman had just stayed out of business that doesn't concern him.

Futures End #26 Rating: +1 Ranking. Nobody died but I guess I'm feeling charitable today. I'd better hit "Publish" on this post before I change my mind!

The Multiversity: The Just #1

Dude. So wish, being the amazing Man-Bro that I am, this were a copy of Maximus so I could wank to minor female celebrities in their underwear.

If this were an issue of Maximus, I could be looking at air-brushed, nearly naked pictures of famous women that refuse to pose completely naked because they probably have weird nipples. Plus, Maximus would be full of Man-Bro articles about doing things that all Fratboy Man-Bros know show us living just on the other side of the line of civilized acceptability! Like drinking fake Absinthe or pointing out when women have weird nipples. We're like wild animals and shit. You can't tame us! This is the part where I'd probably howl and fist bump some other Man-Bro because it obviously impresses all of the ladies.

Speaking of nipples, I'm fairly certain that if I saw a picture of the actor that plays Diggle on Arrow's nipples without any other context to the body that they were on, I'd masturbate to them. Any woman would be proud to display those nipples to a room full of hooting Man-Bros! Seriously, he's got some sexy nipples. Um, you know, for a guy! Being that I'm a total Man-Bro, I have to make sure that you know I'm fully heterosexual! Minus those hazing experiences in college that I totally didn't like and only did to become a full fledged Man-Bro. Although it is kind of weird how none of us like seeing each other's dicks and yet, every year, we make the new Frat Recruits pull theirs out for our pleasure. I mean, amusement. I mean, entertainment. I mean, to call tiny and slather mayonnaise on before we make them dip them in the Koi Pond!

This issue begins with a couple of super hot super babes talking about whatever super hot super babes talk about. I don't know. Why would I listen to the words coming out of the place where my dick goes?

Didn't Elemental Girl once kind of kill herself? That was pretty ruff, know what I'm saying?

Dude, one of my Man-Bros, Diddler, just read that line about where my dick goes and said, "Your dick goes in my hand! Burn!" That's gay, right? But it's also fucking ignorant because words don't come out of his hand. That's not a well crafted burn, Bro. Better go back to Burn School on that one. My insults graduated head of the class at Burn School because they're on fire! Oh yeah! Holla!

The Atom is currently in Sister Miracle's bloodstream. Can you imagine how tiny his penis gets? Talk about a grower, right? I wonder where else The Atom's been inside Sister Miracle, right? Right?! I know you were thinkin' it, dude! If I had The Atom's power, I'd call myself Fuck Spelunker! And I'd call my Man-Bro Diddler "Spunk Spelunker" because you know why! He's totally into man juice!

I wonder if the guys in that all gay fraternity call each other straight and hetero all the time? I bet every day during hazing week ends in an orgy with those guys, right? Lucky fuckers! I know it's not gay to wish you could suck your own dick but what about this: since I can't reach my own dick with my mouth, what if I had another Man-Bro suck it while I sucked on fat sausage with my eyes closed? That's like I'm sucking myself off and practically full hetero, right?

Two thousand words? I can answer that question in like twelve: "Batman is totally gay if he's banging that bald broad."

Nah man, I'm just joshing! That Alexis Luthor is super cute. Plus she's fucking hilarious!

See? "Gay!" Ha ha! Totally!

Then this broad starts talking all uppity and shit, using unintelligible words like "post-modern" and "picto-fic" and "predatory." What the fuck? I'm just trying to read a book about Batman kicking the shit out of bad guys! All this comic book talk about comic books inside of other comic books being talked about by the characters of the comic book is getting me all frustrated and sleepy. Fuck this shit. Somebody else read it. I got some beers here ain't gonna drink themselves.

Exeunt Man-Bro (finally, amirite?).

We've already got enough people on the internet that seriously talk like that, so I don't think there's a real need for me to satirize them. They're doing a good enough job satirizing themselves. Here's a perfect example of these guys satirizing themselves: Julien Blanc. I imagine many of you have already read that post going around with dozens and dozens of his offensive tweets. But out of all that shit, I found one tweet that is actually a well-crafted (albeit unintentionally well-crafted) joke (which is still offensive but that doesn't mean that it's not well-crafted. Although can something be well-crafted if it was unintentional? Anyway) in which Julien, unknowingly, satirizes himself:

"The woman sitting next to me is too sensitive. She's not even the fat cunt I was talking about."

The real humor in this joke is not that a woman was called a fat cunt but in the ignorance of the man using the phrase "fat cunt" who cannot see how insulting it would be to the woman sitting next to him. Now this Julien, I'm sure, probably just thinks calling a woman a "fat cunt" is funny and fails to see how the tweet really pokes fun at the guy tweeting it. My friend Diddler said that I should write for Julien and my response was, "That's just what he needs! Somebody that can make his misogyny palatable!" That was a joke because not even my smooth charms can make a fat cunt joke palatable!

I wonder if Julien didn't steal that joke from an old stockpile of already extant racist jokes? It sounds vaguely familiar, like maybe I heard it from that one guy in middle school whose father was a racist drunk asshole who steadfastly taught his son every offensive joke he heard at the bar the night before.

Anyway, I know the previous discussion is kind of hard to take from this staunch hero of comic book commentary blogs that you've grown to love for his pithy wisdom and ingratiating affability. I'm not denying the joke is offensive. But I did want to mention it since it has, at the very least, one foot solidly inside the camp of a successful joke, especially since the joke is about the teller and not about women being fat cunts. And it's a joke I'd only tell in this context because I think what I really like about it is that this Julien guy is so mired in his own misogyny that he's tone deaf to how this joke is really skewering Julien by pointing out how he's so mired in his own misogyny that he's tone deaf to who this joke is really skewering!

Back to Multiversity! Let's see how offensive Alexis can continue to be!

Oh Grant. You're so adorable. Pointing out how you're trying to make super heroes interesting but you can't because they're not interesting anymore!

Everybody is so bored on Earth-16! Earlier when I was acting like a Man-Bro, a bunch of citizens were walking around as Gotham City was invaded and none of them were even pointing to the sky! Whenever there's a crowd scene, artists always make at least half of the people in it pointing at the action! So obviously the people of Earth-16 feel too safe! They're complacent! And you know who else is complacent? Sheeps being led to slaughter! I mean, sheep! Multiple ones! Not singular ones!

Everybody on Earth-16 seems to be legacy heroes who have become bored, disenfranchised young adults because their parents completely cleaned up the world by arresting all of the super villains. And any trouble that does come up now is taken care of by Superman's Robot Army. But Chris Kent, the current Superman, has decided he and his best friend and fellow Hardy Boy, Damian Wayne, have a mystery to solve: the Suicide of Megamorpho! That does sound like a good title for a Super Hardy Boys Mystery!

Meanwhile, Alexis Luthor hides under a lead lined coat in the closet because Damian doesn't want Chris knowing he's fucking Chris's father's arch-nemesis's daughter. Superman notes, during his conversation with Damian, that he can hear breathing. I'm sure he can smell her as well. Although it would be just like a Luthor to tamper with their DNA so that their body never produces any smells! Smell. That's one thing I find disappointing in comic books. Smell is rarely ever dealt with. I mentioned in a Batgirl commentary how Alysia should be able to recognize her roommate by smell. It's not that odd. Friends get to know and recognize each other's smells. And Superman? Holy Geez! Superman probably wants to rip his nose right off of his face most of the time.

This is so fucking cute.

Now I need an Earth-16 comic book. Just a bunch of young, bored super heroes trying to find something to fill their lives and having conversations like this! No punching! No alien invasions (except those quickly mopped up by Superman's Army of Robots). Everybody fucking everybody else. Although I'd really want Sapphire Mason to not be dead. She's my favorite!

I'm sorry Grant for ever doubting you in anyway. Amen.

Apparently if Lex Luthor put on lipstick, I'd begin crushing on him because Alexis Luthor is fucking cute. She also knows what's what when it comes to Superman and Batman.

Or this could just be her penchant for calling everything gay.

I guess Bloodwynd will be the hero to join up in The Bleed with the others since Bloodwynd makes an appearance at Megamorpho's apartment where a bunch of legacy heroes (Superman, Wally West, Connor Hawke) along with Kyle Rayner, the last of the Green Lanterns, are investigating Sapphire Mason's suicide. Sapphire has a copy of the "haunted comic book" in her apartment so that's probably the mystery solved right there. I don't think anybody else has finished reading the haunted comic book because they keep getting interrupted by other heroes wanting sex or wanting to solve mysteries.

Meanwhile, Kon-el is evolving into something incredible because all Superman clones eventually turn into Bizarro on Earth-16. If that were true on all Earths, Superboy would be my favorite character! Eventually.

In the Nevada desert, the Justice League do some training exercises against Red Amazo. But the training quickly turns into a real battle. I guess DC decided that "bored heroes" couldn't keep the readers interested for the entire comic book.

Plastic Man's son was dating Metamorpho's daughter. Just think of the bedroom antics!

Batman discovers something in the comic books Sapphire was reading while Superman gets some information from Mento's daughter, Holly. She used the Mento helmet to psychically rummage through Sapphire's corpse where she came up with some images of The Grey Lady and The Gentry. Looks like Earth-16 is going to get some exciting visitors. Also Nix Uotan. He's a visitor too but less exciting. Although he has a monkey! Just like Wordgirl!

Batman believes the comic book infects whoever reads it and that it's from a parallel world. He's a pretty good detective! Maybe the multiverse's greatest even! No wait. It's Damian. No way did he become a great detective. Adequate, maybe. But not great!

Then there are two different groups of panels that I could scan: one contains more information about what is happening in Multiversity and the other has Menta acting cute.

Who cares about the Multiverse? Look how cute Menta is!

And then all hell breaks loose as the Robot Superman Army are taken over by Alexis Luthor (infected by the haunted comic book) using her ex-boyfriend's Genie. She sends them out to crash Sister Miracle's party and probably destroy the world for The Gentry. But fuck all of that! The party of the century is more important! And Lobo's in the pool!

Nobody in this issue manages to use the Lex Luthor Portal Thingamajig to make it to The Bleed so it may have been another version of Bloodwynd that wound up there. Or he'll get there later since Alexis did have a portal set up in her apartment. Hopefully Damian Wayne accidentally used it though!

Earth-16 is my favorite Earth so far. I hope the Robot Superman Army doesn't destroy it all.

Star Spangled War Stories #3

That zombie in overalls has the worst super power ever: Reverse Star Bolts.

Holy Christ Inside A Communion Cracker! I missed such a great opportunity to write this commentary on Veteran's Day! I scanned the cover and wrote the stupid caption on Veteran's Day but then I got distracted by easier things like lying on the couch and watching television with the space heater cuddling me in its warm ejaculate. Plus I had to work last night in a wind storm which was cold as a twitch's wit. Also, I don't really acknowledge Veteran's Day. Who do those soldiers think they are? Some kind of big shots or something? Maybe I should write a poem about soldiers before I'm called unpatriotic and also called an ungrateful, dickless, communistic freeloader. I've been called that before and it really stings! So mean!

Veteran's Day: My Poem

Sometimes it's really good to pretend to care about something.
Loudly and exuberantly! Especially in a public place.
Because Veteran's Day isn't just about celebrating those that would give their lives for somebody else.
(Even if it's for corporate reasons that will result in a boatload (a literal one, probably!) of cash)
Veteran's Day is about each and every one of us. But especially the one of us that is me.
Because it's when I can stand up and say, "I'm the biggest fucking patriot in the room.
And you'd better not fucking forget it, you long haired hippie fuck!"
Oh, and don't mention gray ideas during this day because just shut up, asshole.
Also do not be a conscientious objector for any reason, at least not on this day.
Because nobody wants to hear how not supporting war is the biggest support of veterans there is.
At least not today. So just shut up already, you asshole.
This isn't about you!
Freedom isn't free.

Goddammit! I fucked up my poem! I didn't use the word "hero" in it at all! Bah! Now it's worthless as a Veteran's Day poem. Everybody is right! I'm a useless, pathetic, atheist monster! I wonder if Hallmark sells a card for that?

They weren't hillbilly gunrunners. They were biker gunrunners. Get your American stereotypes straight, GI Zombie!

The animal hospital GI Zombie crashes into has a frog in it. Do people take their sick frogs to the vet? How do you tell when a frog is sick? How do you tell when any reptile is sick?! Um, I mean amphibian!

Frog: "BRRRRT!"
Frog Owner: "Oh my gosh! Clemens isn't feeling well! He's hardly not cuddling at all!"
Frog: "BRRRRT!"
Frog Owner: "Oh! Just listen to his noise he makes constantly! It's not quite as noisy or constant as usual! He must...hee hee hee...have a human in his throat!"
Frog: "BRRRRT!"
Frog Owner: "No, wait. He seems okay. Throw some flies or some shit in there and grab the frisbee. Let's go play with Senator Constance Churchlover, the greatest Labradoodle to ever live! See you later...what was your name? Oh yeah! See you later, Clemens, you stupid frog."
Frog: "BRRRRT!"

Any love you feel from your amphibian or reptile is simply a projection of your own insatiable desire for a substitute for your mother's inadequate love. Your constrictor is not hugging you for the reasons you think it is. Although, when you're so starved for human contact, who really cares the reason for a nice chillingly cold hug, amirite?

Does nobody in this comic book know the difference between a hillbilly and a biker?

The missile GI Zombie rode into Sutterville, Tennessee, carried a biological weapon which turns everything into zombies. That's the best kind of biological payload because it can turn your comic book into a smash independent hit which will eventually make you thousands and thousands of dollars in a television deal!

Ahh! Zombie cats! That's the worst kind of threat because they don't have to chase you down. They just lick their butts until you walk up and say, "Aww! How cute! Kitty wanna head scratchy?" And then you bend down and the cat turns on you, hissing and spitting and biting you! Then it runs away like a crazy person and you're left thinking, "Fucking cat! Acting all normal and the way cats act! I probably don't need to worry about this bite." And then you're a zombie! Zombie cats would take over the world in no time.

The carrier of the biological weapon becomes brain dead when infected. So how can you tell if a dog is infected? Ha ha! Dogs are stupid!

I've never been a huge fan of dogs. I don't mind them on occasion in small chunks of time, if they're calm. But I think I really wouldn't mind making friends with an Australian Shepherd. I'd take it to the dog park where I'd teach it to pick on the other dogs for being so incredibly stupid and loyal to idiots. I'd stand around smoking a big fat cigar while other dog owners would come up to me and ask, "What is your dog doing?" We'd watch as my friend made a series of head movements and signs with his paws which look like pointing right in the other dog's face. Then I'd chew on my cigar a bit, move it to the corner of my mouth so I could talk around it, and say, "He just called your dog a fucking moron. HA!"

GI Zombie goes around town like an asshole killing animals. If that's the price of freedom, it's too fucking high! I suppose I'd need some veterans on hand to save my life in this situation because I couldn't shoot a fucking cat and I'd probably, eventually, get too upset to kill any more dogs. I suppose I could take the job of shooting the humans while somebody else takes the animals. I wouldn't have a problem with that.

The issue ends with GI Zombie being overrun by Civilian Zombies. What a bunch of assholes! Don't they know yesterday was Veteran's Day?! Have some respect!

Star Spangled War Stories #3 Rating: No change. Three issues in and not one war story, star spangled or otherwise! I suppose, if you're a didactic asshole, you could argue that GI Zombie battling zombies for the fate of America is a war. But if you did argue that, I'd have to ban you from reading my blog for disagreeing with me.

Justice League Dark #35

How do you graft the arm of a ghost onto an Englishman? That wasn't a riddle.

Although this might be a riddle: Who can graft the arm of a plant elemental onto a ghost? A Boo-tanical Engineer! Ah ha ha ha ha!

When I last left Justice League Dark, they were swirling into a mysterious vortex caused when the House of Wonders separated back into its component parts (you know, the Houses of Mystery and Secrets!). I know these things because I read Justice League Dark Annual #2 first, as opposed to people who read this comic book when it came out and were forced to say, "What the fuck is going on?!"

This issue is called "Long Before Yesteday" and it's part one of "The Amber of the Moment." Neither of those titles help me figure out where the vortex leads. Probably some sort of crappy time travel story.

The entire team is split up because that makes things more exciting! Zatanna winds up in a version of Wonderland that completely sucks because it has giant green pigs spouting poetry. Nobody likes to hear people spout poetry unless they're at a spoken word poetry slam type of event. And even then, some people simply wandered in for some coffee and don't want to hear poetry shouted at them. I shouldn't be saying this since I have a poetry book that I'm going to be selling on this site as soon as I get it put together, but poetry is boring and stupid! Everything can be poetry if you put the right inflection into it!

That doesn't look like a pig at all! At least it's green.

Zatanna is saved by a younger, more alive version of her father, Zatara. She can't figure out why he's alive as she listens to his voice and remembers how he used to read stories to her. The answer is right there in your thoughts, Zatanna! You're in some kind of mystic world created from your memories. Which is why you were attacked by a Mome Rath which came across Zarathustra's Wall and were saved by your father Zatara! Also, the Mome Rath rhymes a lot like Etrigan, right? Although, Etrigan rhymes a lot like a lot of other demons that think rhyming two words together is the height of talent and creativity. Rhyming is fucking easy! Watch:

Box and Claws!

Fuck! Forget rhyming. Poetry that doesn't rhyme is so much better!

That last sentence was a poem! I call it "A Hater's Haiku!" Can you title a haiku or does that add to the syllable count? Oh, who cares? I hate non-Japanese language haikus anyway. They sound much better in Japanese when every syllable is practically the exact same length.

I can't wait until Madame Xanadu's chapter of this story because I have a haiku for her!

"Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt
Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt
Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt."

I especially like how that haiku takes a turn in the last line.

The magic carpet is from Dungeons and Dragons and flying into an open second story window to kidnap children is from Peter Pan.

The next morning, Zatanna discovers that her mother and a five year old version of herself also live in this place. Zatara tells her they're six billion years in the past but that's just stupid. How can they be eating walnut pancakes before the recipe for walnut pancakes even exists?! Ridiculous.

Zatanna learns that this place is pure magic and any thought can be made reality. That's when she realizes only her father is truly there and he's made up the rest of the family. Or did she make up him making up the rest of the family? Or did she make herself making up him making up the rest of the family? Or did she make up herself making up...oh, never mind! The Mome Raths are attacking! Worse yet, they're spouting poetry!

The "mome" in Mome Rath means "from home!" Meaning they've lost their way! Or so Humpty Dumpty would assert. And he has like tons of college degrees or something, so he's worth listening to. Anyway, that probably means something! The fact that these creatures are called from home green pigs!

Once again, Zatanna almost realizes that all of this is being created from her memories when she pictures the younger version of herself drawing a picture of her and her father on magic carpets battling Mome Raths. No wonder the Mome Raths don't look anything like they should. Zatanna was just a stupid kid when she first had Looking Glass read to her.

He doesn't have to go. He probably just wants to go.

While Zatanna cries and destroys the rest of the world, Frank, Ada, Andrew, and Alec walk around a barren landscape at THE END OF THE WORLD! But that will have to wait until next issue.

Justice League Dark #35 Rating: +2 Ranking. Finally a good issue of Justice League Dark! This was kind of like an episode of Lost. I have no idea where Zatanna is or what's going on but there was a good flashback story dealing with her life and her relationship with her father.

Justice League Dark Annual #2

Deadman, you're the worst ghost ever.

One good thing about being a couple of weeks behind on my comic book reading is that when I open up a comic book and the first page says, "See next week's Annual if you want to understand this comic book that we published a week before the story that comes first," I can actually put that stupid book down and pick up the Annual.

The issue begins with Zatanna and Constantine on a date in Paris. I know it's Paris because the establishing shot shows the Eiffel Tower. Since it's harder to get across "urine soaked metro station" in a picture, the artist always goes for the Eiffel Tower to help orient readers. You can also tell where the story begins because the Location Box states "Paris, France...". But since I don't know how to interpret the ellipsis at the end of the name of the location, my brain discarded it immediately. Also, John is pouring some wine and you only drink wine if you're in Paris and it's night. If it were day, they would be drinking coffee and trying to eat baguettes without battering each other in the eye.

I think this might be an alternate Earth as well because John and Zee are getting along.

Oh no. This is the correct Earth.

Why do you even bother, John? Just leave Justice League Dark and Zatanna alone already. You're always much better off on your own with your close knit cast of mortal characters whom you can sacrifice at the drop of a dangerous situation.

Constantine wakes up in a crazy house after thinking he was going to get lucky with Zee. Hopefully it's the House of Secrets and it's revealing to John one of his secrets that he keeps denying: Zatanna doesn't fucking love you.

While Constantine has suddenly found himself in the House of Secrets (a much more fitting house for John), Zatanna, Deadman, Swamp Thing, and the Nightmare Nurse have been transported back to the House of Mystery. I probably should mention that this Annual is called "War of the Houses," so I guess the Houses retain some of the sibling rivalry between Cain and Abel, their original owners.

The House of Secrets appears to John as a woman while the House of Mystery appears to Justice League Dark as a man. I like my houses of secrets and mysteries to be less sentient.

Sibling rivalry after all. Just between the New 52, non-religious versions of Cain and Abel? It's a weird choice since DC has never shied away from using Judeo-Christian characters and places in their comics. Maybe Cain and Abel just have too goofy of a history with DC.

Speaking of goofy, I feel like I've lost touch with my goofy. I'm sure it will return but until then, enjoy my stagnant and boring comic book commentaries that mainly exist to allow me to remember what's been happening in each book, month after month.

Ha ha! John fucked a house! How do you fuck a house? Shoot your semen into one of its drain-shaped orifices or allow it to massage you to orgasm with a steady flow of water from a bathtub spout? Oh, hmm. I bet we've all fucked a house!

The House of Secrets calls in its army which consists of Constantine, Andrew Bennett, Frankenstein, Black Orchid, and Madame Xanadu. Aside from that cunt Madame Xanadu, that's a pretty solid group!

I couldn't remember what I used to call Madame Xanadu instead of cunt but which I always meant as cunt, so I just went back to calling her a cunt. It's a long running, extremely important tradition to this blog and if you don't like it, fuck off. Or convince me that she isn't a cunt. Maybe I'll change my mind. But I know if I had a relative in my life that was always asking me for favors and telling me that if I didn't do that particular favor, the whole fucking world would end, I'd constantly refer to that relative as "that cunt." Why does the House of Secrets need her, anyway? All she can do is pretend to see the future! But the future she pretends to see never comes true, so why do people keep believing she can see the future? She has a zero percent success rate! Sure, she chalks it up to the future changing thanks to all the favors people have done for her, but that sounds more like manipulation! People need to stop listening to her!

Plus, that cunt broke Etrigan's heart!

Can't stomach a dose of your own medicine, Xanadu?

Both houses have an army and now it's time for them to go to war! This should be tremendously exciting! A huge war of DC's biggest and baddest mystical characters on the battlefield of all space and time! I bet there will be armies of Japanese Warriors battling cults of Celtic Druids from planet to planet! Romans versus Nazis versus Incas versus Thanagarians! Crazy, mystical magical spells that will summon demons and devils and angels! Other worldly gods will come to watch the battle! Pages and pages of the most exciting panels yet of The New 52! Holy shit, I can't wait!

Fuck. That's it? Houses blasting each other? Goddamn it.

Forget the house battle in space. I feel fucking liberated after calling Madame Xanadu a cunt! I've been shackled for too long by the comments of Natalie Whatsername! Who knew I was self-censoring because of a single person that decided she was speaking for all people everywhere? You know who you weren't speaking for, Natalie? Me! So suck it because...well, I don't know what because. It's just a stupid word! Also, I was offended by your words so you should apologize to me even if you didn't mean to be offensive because something about stepping on toes or something stupid. How dare you!

You've got your Houses mixed up, John.

I suppose it doesn't matter which House is which at this point since they're working together against the magical heroes. They've used them to create an enchantment that will allow them to...um...ew.

The House of Incest!

Goddammit, Madame Xanadu! You had one job! ONE FUCKING JOB! To see the future and make sure, if it were a bad one, to keep it from coming true! How did you not see that these houses wanted to fuck and become The House of Wonders? Sexy, sexy wonders.

The House of Wonders plants itself on Earth and enslaves everybody! Why? Because that's what Viruses do! And the siblings in control of the houses are actually some kind of virus that needed John and Zatanna's lust and hate for each other to fuel the viruses replication. I don't know what it's going to do with Earth now that it has it though. Replicate some more until Earth is ready to merge with Venus? Or Mars?

Madame Xanadu comes up with a plan to cut the House of Wonders' source of power: destroy the love between Zatanna and Constantine. Shit. That's a great fucking plan, Xanadu! Only a right, true cunt would come up with that one! I may get turned around on you if you keep coming up with brilliant plans like this! I've been waiting for Constantine to just fucking stop with this lovesick puppy business and, finally, it's going to happen! The way the spell works is that Constantine forgets that he ever loved Zatanna but Zatanna gets to keep remembering that she loved Constantine. So it's a fairly typical male/female breakup then?

After the spell is cast, Constantine winds up back on Earth, the House of Wonders is destroyed, and the rest of Justice League Dark falls into the vortex that they were in when I opened up Justice League Dark #35. So now I can read that issue and feel comfortable that I'm not missing anything!

Justice League Dark Annual #2 Rating: This was the most important issue of Justice League Dark since The New 52 began! Constantine's connection with Zatanna and the House of Mystery and Justice League Dark just never really fit the entire concept. You can't give Constantine too much to care about or he loses the essential bit that makes him Constantine. I know this comic book constantly tried to remind the reader that John was doing his noble shit just to help save Zatanna and not the world. But even that was too much! Constantine should have been simply concerned with saving himself! I suppose it's okay for him to make connections with other people here and there. But not important characters like Zatanna that you know will never be killed! Where's the tension in that?