Detective Comics #949

These kinds of grimaces always make me think of Rob Liefeld.

The Review
No change. Batwoman gets a new mission from her father hunting down terrorist organizations fighting over control of Hugo Strange's monster venom that turns corpses into Godzilla Zombie Monsters. This is a job for Batwoman because she doesn't mind using shotguns and you need to use a shotgun if you're going to kill Godzilla Zombie Monsters or if you're going to protect the Batcave from clowns. But she'll be dealing with that mission over in her own comic book so Batman isn't "TT"ing her every other page due to the gun residue all over her body. I suppose she'll still be in this series as well since she's the leader of the Bat-family Military Training School.

Oh, and the derivative Colony super assassin who bragged about being able to beat up Batman because he had studied all of Batman's moves for years? He gets his ass kicked. Embarrassed, he jabs some monster venom into his neck so that he can be Batwoman's nemesis over in her comic book. He would have been a boring nemesis if he'd remained just a regular old white dude. Now he's some kind of man-bat thing which most people who aren't me probably find more exciting than average white guys.

Doctor October doesn't appear in this issue. She'll probably be the main supporting character in Batwoman's series. Also, her name has a lot of 'O's in it.

Detective Comics #948

What is Batwoman beginning? A podcast? A line of Bat-undergarments? A fast-food joint?

The Review!
No change. The art is fantastic. The Colony's new super assassin is derivative. And Dr. October is the sexiest trans character since Alysia Yeoh.

Martian Manhunter #12

Little known Martian Manhunter fact: if he doesn't fist an asshole once per hour, he falls into a coma and dies.

The Review!
I should apologize for all the times I complained about how I bored I was by this title. Not that some of it wasn't boring and convoluted because it was! It's just that Rob Williams ends this series in however big sports games end when the people cheer like crazy and overturn cars and set fire to homeless people. Well, maybe it doesn't end that great! But I really fucking loved it! You can tell how much because I typed "fucking" and I never swear! Instead of discussing what I liked about the series and the way it wrapped up, I wrote a sonnet instead! It's Italian style! Suck it!

The Sonnet or Whatever!
Sonnet #MM12

They said I should not swim within the lake
But summer's storm, so slowly rolling on,
Still distant seemed. I would, of course, be gone
Before some lightning bolt threatened to make
Water steam and boil, or maybe take
My life. I dove down deep, as if to don
The entirety of the lake upon
Myself. Embraced, a dream yet wide awake.
Now once again, the winter come, they say,
In warning: "The ice is soft. Do not skate."
There were no cracks that could be seen. A sleigh
Had left some solid marks. It held its weight,
Why not mine? Below the ice, dark and gray,
Lay an embrace of a similar fate.

Martian Manhunter #11

Mister Biscuits dies of diabetes.

The Review or Whatever!
This comic book is as confusing as The Sheriff of Babylon but I don't feel it's confusing because it's smarter than I am. I think this book is confusing because Martian Manhunter is too many people and there are too many characters and too many planets and too much time has passed since I read the last issue! That last part isn't Rob Williams' fault. It's the fault of my comic book company for not putting this issue in my subscription box. I think they secretly hate me!

I actually think everybody secretly hates me. And by that, I mean I know that everybody secretly hates me. Jerks.

This issue is called "Loving the Alien" because...oh hell. How should I know? I lost interest in this book back when everybody time traveled and Alicia became an adult and ancient Mars was now current Mars and the evil alien with all the apostrophes in his name returned! I thought maybe the inclusion of Etrigan and Constantine might get me back into it but their scene wasn't one I'll remember on my death bed as I look back and regret all of the time I wasted reading comic books. If I did remember it, I'd regret it! But I don't think it'll still be in my memory next week. Unless I've now cemented it into my memory banks by devoting this many sentences to describing how it wasn't memorable at all!

I guess the Martian Manhunters are getting closer to saving the Earth and the residents of Mars-That-Was. So that's what this issue was about. J'onn is closer to saving the world than he was at the end of Issue #10. But Mister Biscuits did indeed die from too many cookies falling out of his bag when he was stabbed through the heart.

The Multiversity: The Just #1

Dude. So wish, being the amazing Man-Bro that I am, this were a copy of Maximus so I could wank to minor female celebrities in their underwear.

If this were an issue of Maximus, I could be looking at air-brushed, nearly naked pictures of famous women that refuse to pose completely naked because they probably have weird nipples. Plus, Maximus would be full of Man-Bro articles about doing things that all Fratboy Man-Bros know show us living just on the other side of the line of civilized acceptability! Like drinking fake Absinthe or pointing out when women have weird nipples. We're like wild animals and shit. You can't tame us! This is the part where I'd probably howl and fist bump some other Man-Bro because it obviously impresses all of the ladies.

Speaking of nipples, I'm fairly certain that if I saw a picture of the actor that plays Diggle on Arrow's nipples without any other context to the body that they were on, I'd masturbate to them. Any woman would be proud to display those nipples to a room full of hooting Man-Bros! Seriously, he's got some sexy nipples. Um, you know, for a guy! Being that I'm a total Man-Bro, I have to make sure that you know I'm fully heterosexual! Minus those hazing experiences in college that I totally didn't like and only did to become a full fledged Man-Bro. Although it is kind of weird how none of us like seeing each other's dicks and yet, every year, we make the new Frat Recruits pull theirs out for our pleasure. I mean, amusement. I mean, entertainment. I mean, to call tiny and slather mayonnaise on before we make them dip them in the Koi Pond!

This issue begins with a couple of super hot super babes talking about whatever super hot super babes talk about. I don't know. Why would I listen to the words coming out of the place where my dick goes?

Didn't Elemental Girl once kind of kill herself? That was pretty ruff, know what I'm saying?

Dude, one of my Man-Bros, Diddler, just read that line about where my dick goes and said, "Your dick goes in my hand! Burn!" That's gay, right? But it's also fucking ignorant because words don't come out of his hand. That's not a well crafted burn, Bro. Better go back to Burn School on that one. My insults graduated head of the class at Burn School because they're on fire! Oh yeah! Holla!

The Atom is currently in Sister Miracle's bloodstream. Can you imagine how tiny his penis gets? Talk about a grower, right? I wonder where else The Atom's been inside Sister Miracle, right? Right?! I know you were thinkin' it, dude! If I had The Atom's power, I'd call myself Fuck Spelunker! And I'd call my Man-Bro Diddler "Spunk Spelunker" because you know why! He's totally into man juice!

I wonder if the guys in that all gay fraternity call each other straight and hetero all the time? I bet every day during hazing week ends in an orgy with those guys, right? Lucky fuckers! I know it's not gay to wish you could suck your own dick but what about this: since I can't reach my own dick with my mouth, what if I had another Man-Bro suck it while I sucked on fat sausage with my eyes closed? That's like I'm sucking myself off and practically full hetero, right?

Two thousand words? I can answer that question in like twelve: "Batman is totally gay if he's banging that bald broad."

Nah man, I'm just joshing! That Alexis Luthor is super cute. Plus she's fucking hilarious!

See? "Gay!" Ha ha! Totally!

Then this broad starts talking all uppity and shit, using unintelligible words like "post-modern" and "picto-fic" and "predatory." What the fuck? I'm just trying to read a book about Batman kicking the shit out of bad guys! All this comic book talk about comic books inside of other comic books being talked about by the characters of the comic book is getting me all frustrated and sleepy. Fuck this shit. Somebody else read it. I got some beers here ain't gonna drink themselves.

Exeunt Man-Bro (finally, amirite?).

We've already got enough people on the internet that seriously talk like that, so I don't think there's a real need for me to satirize them. They're doing a good enough job satirizing themselves. Here's a perfect example of these guys satirizing themselves: Julien Blanc. I imagine many of you have already read that post going around with dozens and dozens of his offensive tweets. But out of all that shit, I found one tweet that is actually a well-crafted (albeit unintentionally well-crafted) joke (which is still offensive but that doesn't mean that it's not well-crafted. Although can something be well-crafted if it was unintentional? Anyway) in which Julien, unknowingly, satirizes himself:

"The woman sitting next to me is too sensitive. She's not even the fat cunt I was talking about."

The real humor in this joke is not that a woman was called a fat cunt but in the ignorance of the man using the phrase "fat cunt" who cannot see how insulting it would be to the woman sitting next to him. Now this Julien, I'm sure, probably just thinks calling a woman a "fat cunt" is funny and fails to see how the tweet really pokes fun at the guy tweeting it. My friend Diddler said that I should write for Julien and my response was, "That's just what he needs! Somebody that can make his misogyny palatable!" That was a joke because not even my smooth charms can make a fat cunt joke palatable!

I wonder if Julien didn't steal that joke from an old stockpile of already extant racist jokes? It sounds vaguely familiar, like maybe I heard it from that one guy in middle school whose father was a racist drunk asshole who steadfastly taught his son every offensive joke he heard at the bar the night before.

Anyway, I know the previous discussion is kind of hard to take from this staunch hero of comic book commentary blogs that you've grown to love for his pithy wisdom and ingratiating affability. I'm not denying the joke is offensive. But I did want to mention it since it has, at the very least, one foot solidly inside the camp of a successful joke, especially since the joke is about the teller and not about women being fat cunts. And it's a joke I'd only tell in this context because I think what I really like about it is that this Julien guy is so mired in his own misogyny that he's tone deaf to how this joke is really skewering Julien by pointing out how he's so mired in his own misogyny that he's tone deaf to who this joke is really skewering!

Back to Multiversity! Let's see how offensive Alexis can continue to be!

Oh Grant. You're so adorable. Pointing out how you're trying to make super heroes interesting but you can't because they're not interesting anymore!

Everybody is so bored on Earth-16! Earlier when I was acting like a Man-Bro, a bunch of citizens were walking around as Gotham City was invaded and none of them were even pointing to the sky! Whenever there's a crowd scene, artists always make at least half of the people in it pointing at the action! So obviously the people of Earth-16 feel too safe! They're complacent! And you know who else is complacent? Sheeps being led to slaughter! I mean, sheep! Multiple ones! Not singular ones!

Everybody on Earth-16 seems to be legacy heroes who have become bored, disenfranchised young adults because their parents completely cleaned up the world by arresting all of the super villains. And any trouble that does come up now is taken care of by Superman's Robot Army. But Chris Kent, the current Superman, has decided he and his best friend and fellow Hardy Boy, Damian Wayne, have a mystery to solve: the Suicide of Megamorpho! That does sound like a good title for a Super Hardy Boys Mystery!

Meanwhile, Alexis Luthor hides under a lead lined coat in the closet because Damian doesn't want Chris knowing he's fucking Chris's father's arch-nemesis's daughter. Superman notes, during his conversation with Damian, that he can hear breathing. I'm sure he can smell her as well. Although it would be just like a Luthor to tamper with their DNA so that their body never produces any smells! Smell. That's one thing I find disappointing in comic books. Smell is rarely ever dealt with. I mentioned in a Batgirl commentary how Alysia should be able to recognize her roommate by smell. It's not that odd. Friends get to know and recognize each other's smells. And Superman? Holy Geez! Superman probably wants to rip his nose right off of his face most of the time.

This is so fucking cute.

Now I need an Earth-16 comic book. Just a bunch of young, bored super heroes trying to find something to fill their lives and having conversations like this! No punching! No alien invasions (except those quickly mopped up by Superman's Army of Robots). Everybody fucking everybody else. Although I'd really want Sapphire Mason to not be dead. She's my favorite!

I'm sorry Grant for ever doubting you in anyway. Amen.

Apparently if Lex Luthor put on lipstick, I'd begin crushing on him because Alexis Luthor is fucking cute. She also knows what's what when it comes to Superman and Batman.

Or this could just be her penchant for calling everything gay.

I guess Bloodwynd will be the hero to join up in The Bleed with the others since Bloodwynd makes an appearance at Megamorpho's apartment where a bunch of legacy heroes (Superman, Wally West, Connor Hawke) along with Kyle Rayner, the last of the Green Lanterns, are investigating Sapphire Mason's suicide. Sapphire has a copy of the "haunted comic book" in her apartment so that's probably the mystery solved right there. I don't think anybody else has finished reading the haunted comic book because they keep getting interrupted by other heroes wanting sex or wanting to solve mysteries.

Meanwhile, Kon-el is evolving into something incredible because all Superman clones eventually turn into Bizarro on Earth-16. If that were true on all Earths, Superboy would be my favorite character! Eventually.

In the Nevada desert, the Justice League do some training exercises against Red Amazo. But the training quickly turns into a real battle. I guess DC decided that "bored heroes" couldn't keep the readers interested for the entire comic book.

Plastic Man's son was dating Metamorpho's daughter. Just think of the bedroom antics!

Batman discovers something in the comic books Sapphire was reading while Superman gets some information from Mento's daughter, Holly. She used the Mento helmet to psychically rummage through Sapphire's corpse where she came up with some images of The Grey Lady and The Gentry. Looks like Earth-16 is going to get some exciting visitors. Also Nix Uotan. He's a visitor too but less exciting. Although he has a monkey! Just like Wordgirl!

Batman believes the comic book infects whoever reads it and that it's from a parallel world. He's a pretty good detective! Maybe the multiverse's greatest even! No wait. It's Damian. No way did he become a great detective. Adequate, maybe. But not great!

Then there are two different groups of panels that I could scan: one contains more information about what is happening in Multiversity and the other has Menta acting cute.

Who cares about the Multiverse? Look how cute Menta is!

And then all hell breaks loose as the Robot Superman Army are taken over by Alexis Luthor (infected by the haunted comic book) using her ex-boyfriend's Genie. She sends them out to crash Sister Miracle's party and probably destroy the world for The Gentry. But fuck all of that! The party of the century is more important! And Lobo's in the pool!

Nobody in this issue manages to use the Lex Luthor Portal Thingamajig to make it to The Bleed so it may have been another version of Bloodwynd that wound up there. Or he'll get there later since Alexis did have a portal set up in her apartment. Hopefully Damian Wayne accidentally used it though!

Earth-16 is my favorite Earth so far. I hope the Robot Superman Army doesn't destroy it all.

Lobo #1

I admit it. I was a huge fan of Lobo in the 90s! At least when written by Giffen or Grant. The Lobo/Hitman story by Garth Ennis was also a favorite.

I don't know rightly know what's going on with Lobo in The New 52 or why the powers that be demanded he be changed at all. So a vocal group of people hated him. Who cares? It's good to have characters that people hate! And you know, if you hadn't decided he was somehow the Wolverine of DC and that any comic book with him in it would sell a bajillion copies, DC, I think the hate wouldn't have been so strong. He was the tough guy that nobody could beat. Which means every writer brought him into their series to have their characters beat him and show how awesome their title characters were. Meanwhile Lobo became a fucking joke and a chump. That's why he never became the Wolverine of DC for the fans. Because Wolverine was a hero and allowed to triumph over and over again. Lobo was a dick that couldn't be allowed to just massacre everything. So the people who hated his violence and his assholery, hated him no matter what he did. But the people who loved him began to hate seeing him in anything because he was sure to wind up eating shit and flying off humiliated.

So you just couldn't handle Lobo, DC. You fucked him up. And now what? You had Liefeld bring him back but it was hard to know if Liefeld had changed him according to any directives or Liefeld just sucked at drawing and writing him. So that Lobo apparently died leaving his female version, Sheba, alive somewhere. I have a feeling she'll never be heard from again though.

And then Lobo appears in Stormwatch but is that the real Lobo since that isn't the real Stormwatch and what the fuck is the Magenta Timeline and what the hell are you fucking doing DC? A reboot of a reboot? A dimension outside of the 52 that you're supposed to have? I have a feeling The Magenta Timeline is just a different timeline in Earth Prime's universe which would make it a different universe/dimension which means DC really doesn't fucking know what they're doing or how to explain the DCnU Cosmology. So I think Jim Starlin's Stormwatch Lobo is just a magenta figment of everybody's imagination.

And then there's that one weird skinny emo looking Lobo picture I saw on the internet somewhere that I didn't look at for very long because WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO LOBO DC COMICS?! I have to wonder if whatever I'm going to read now in Lobo #1 is still New 52 continuity or if it's already been axed from the history. I just hope it's entertaining and that he says more than "Fraggin' Bastich" and "Feetal's Gizz."

It either begins very promising or not very promising at all!

I do think I know you! At least, I did! But what the fuck has DC done to you now? Are you some emo poet loner boy? Whatever they do to you, 'Bo, I'm going to stick by you! Me and you, man! Me and you!

Oh. Um. You know what? About what I just said? Forget it. You aren't Lobo. You might be Morrissey. But you're not Lobo.

I love how whatever change they decided to make to Lobo happened in-between the time they needed the art for the lenticular covers and when the art for the pages inside were being done.

Dan DiDio: "Hey Kuder! Nice work on that Lobo cover! But I fucking hate that biker shit. My father ran off with bikers and left me and my mother alone to forage for crawdads and maggots in a rundown shack outside a bayou filled with toxic waste. Fucking bikers. You know the only thing that kept me going?"
Aaron Kuder: "I'm really busy here, Dan. I'm trying to draw a portrait of this fantastically, amazingly handsome and well-put together man I met at the Portland Comicon. Wow. What a dreamboat."
Dan DiDio: "Yeah, well, I don't need you on Lobo anymore anyway. Where's Ben Oliver?! He's doing the inside pages! Hey, Ben! BEN! Have I ever told you about the only thing that kept me going after my father threw my kittens down a well and ran off with a biker gang composed of clowns with Alice Cooper fetishes?"
Ben Oliver: "Shit. Um, no, boss. What kept you going?"
Dan DiDio: "The Goddamned music of Morrissey! Morrissey kept me alive! Sure, he often just made me cry even harder than I already was crying. But he drove me on to be more than I thought I could be! Morrissey than I thought I could be, even! Ha! Buccellato! Work that in the next Flash comic! Anyway, you know what I was thinking, Ben? A new look for Lobo! An inspired look! Fuck that Alice Cooper clown bullshit. Make him look like Morrissey! You got that? Get on it right now!"
Ben Oliver: "Is he fucking kidding? The baddest ass killer monster mercenary in all the universe is supposed to look like Morrissey now? Holy fuck. Has anybody checked DiDio's medication lately?"

I'm pretty sure this was the new Lobo reference pic.

I think my theory about Dan DiDio's father running away with a biker gang composed of clowns is the correct theory because Harley Quinn really got the business in the reboot as well. And Joker cut off his own face? And the whole world has been turned upside down by The Outsider? So basically Dan DiDio's world was destroyed by a bunch of faceless biker tough guy slut clowns and he wanted it all memorialized in The New 52. I can't wait to see how ridiculous he makes the White Martians!

The only real problem I have with the new Lobo so far, and this is a problem I think the Harley Quinn fans really felt, is that DC's reveal is so self-conscious about the change that they begin with him telling his old fans, "Fuck you." Oh look! Lobo is entirely different and he's telling readers to fuck off if you don't like it. And even THAT I could be okay with if the fucking cover had the new look on it! But how dare DC sell a comic book for $3.99 with a different Lobo on the cover and then on the second page have the new look Lobo telling that reader, "Screw you." It's quite an amazing piece of reader fuckery.

Great. Now I'm picturing a Dan DiDio booth at a convention with a big picture of the most beautiful sushi you've ever seen, a bar set up with mouth-watering sushi and all flavors of sake set up. Then a door in the back where you're told to close your eyes and open your mouth wide. And then Dan DiDio sticks his dick in it. See? I'm all prepared for sushi and sake! Not cock! If only he'd advertised cock, I might be all, "Okay! Sure! Cock sounds good right about now." But that wasn't what the booth was about! I thought I was getting sushi and sake! Jerks!

Okay, I'm going to actually try to enjoy new Lobo now! Even though he already hates me just for liking his older version! What a tool.

This issue was written by Marguerite Bennett who wrote the Night Nurse Batman Annual recently. I don't know what else she's written because when I asked Lord Google about her, he just gave me a bunch of articles about her defending the new Lobo. I'll have to read that stuff after the ranking! Although I did learn that Kenneth Rocafort designed the new Lobo. But I'm still going to blame Dan DiDio. I need a constant villain across all titles and it's either DiDio, Johns, or Lee, so I'm choosing DiDio! But that design looks like something Rocafort would come up with.

Five pages in and he's still acting aggressively defensive! Get over yourself, asshole! It's a Reboot! Of course you're different! I mean, this is the third time you've been different! But you don't have to be an asshole about it.

Maybe that's Lobo's new thing? He's going to be like Ambush Bug and be aware that he's in a comic book but his gimmick is going to be constantly attacking the readers for being dumb assholes that keep buying his comic books.

NuLobo makes his first ever on panel kill and it gets a two-page spread because it's so super exciting to see his new fantastic weapons that are just like him: smooth and sharp and aggressively defensive. They also glow along the edges in much the same way that NuLobo is experiencing some glowing problems. I realize I don't know him and I'm also wondering why his Narration Boxes look like Repreboot Lobo boxes with the clown make-up and all. Oh well. I just don't know anything!

Oh lord! It's worse than I thought! Bennett has turned him into a racist teen Tweeter!

I sure hope the name of the planet he's landed on is "Twelve Planets South" and not the path that NuLobo took after leaving the club. Do I even have to explain why that would be ludicrous?

Let's take a break here at six pages in and analyze NuLobo. He hates the reader. He uses "sorry not sorry" which is the motto of young racists everywhere. And he's a murdering bastard that finds lack of social niceties offensive. Congratulations, DC! If you actually made a really unlikable character! No, seriously! I can see how you'd want Lobo to be a horrible and despicable character that nobody likes. But don't forget readers need to like something about a character to be interested in following that character! Nobody is going to run out a get a NuLobo tattoo now! Except maybe me! I think I'm going to design a tattoo with NuHarley and NuLobo as the white, white bread of a Dan DiDio's father sandwich.

NuLobo meets his contact at The Mad Wolf bar because maybe Lobo actually means something like that now instead of "one who devours your entrails and thoroughly enjoys it." His contact is named Rhialla and she's got four tits and another job for him. Oh hey! Lobo's first appearance (according to the DC's Big Binder of Who's Who Entries) was from Omega Men #3 in 1983. Lobo is thirty years old! Well, old Lobo was 30 years old. I'm fairly certain this NuLobo is just a completely new character that just happens to have the same name.

Seriously. This is Kenneth Rocafort's redesign of Lobo. Did the notes for the new look read "Make him a boring twat that couldn't be any less interesting to look at. Make sure readers would pass a book by with this character on the cover. Seriously. Bland as possible."

I'm tempted to say this look is even worse than Lobo's original look when he first appeared. Let me see if Lord Google can find me a picture of old Omega Men Lobo!

Okay. I can only take hyperbole so far before I lose all credibility completely! Rocafort's design is better.

I also love that this is in the advert opposite the full page NuLobo unveiling panel I scanned above:

"Welcome to Club New 52 Clown Makeovers, pal!"

NuLobo's new job is to deliver some shit so he can get some information and for a few pages it reads like Firefly fanfic. We'll just skip that part since it's just some action and NuLobo trying to talk like a psychotic Mal.

After NuLobo is ambushed in Grave Space and crash lands on a nearby rock with atmosphere, he murders everybody and discovers that his cargo is people. HIS CARGO IS PEOPLE!

Sorry.

Not sorry.

See how annoying that shit is? But please keep it up, people. It helps reveal your true nature as a fucking royal douchebag.

The cargo people think NuLobo has just rescued them instead of just taking a peek at what he was hauling since his ship has crashed. They reveal that their bones are rare elements and people love to melt them down into trinkets. Obviously they don't know to whom they are speaking because NuLobo don't give a shit about their lives. He's not going to care that he's delivering them to their deaths. He's probably just going to kill them all now so they shut the fuck up for the rest of the trip.

That's what I'd expect from him. But what I don't expect from him is what he says after locking them up again. You guessed it. "Sorry. Not sorry."

NuLobo is doing all of this for information. I have a feeling that information has to do with the other versions of Lobo that have been running around. Because DC has a continuity thing and they're going to have to deal with the fact that Rob Liefeld created a Lobo and now there's this Lobo and they're obviously not the same Lobo!

So he makes his delivery and gets the information he's been hunting and, well, wouldn't you know?

Ugh. What a boring piece of shit NuLobo has turned out to be.

Oh! That's my new theory! NuLobo is actually the regenerated hemorrhoid of Real Lobo that busted off in a gigantic bloody turd that Lobo took in some deserted Space Record store filled with rockabilly posters and Morrissey CDs! And now he thinks he's the real Lobo when he's actually just a bloody dingleberry from the Main Main's Main Sphincter! I hope whoever continues Lobo's story remembers to use Sheba, the last female Czarnian. Because even though Rob Liefeld created her and most of Rob Liefeld's writing has been trashed as DC Continuity, I'd still like someone to remember her. She was Liefeld's only good idea!

Lobo #1 Rating: What can I say? DC created a character that would be unlikeable and succeeded. And they gave him the catchphrase that they want to personally say to all of their fans every fucking day and every time they put out more garbage: "Sorry. Not sorry." I know a lot of people hated Lobo back in the day. I didn't. But I bet all those haters are dying for the old Lobo back now! NuLobo couldn't be any less interesting as a character. What a bland, boring twat.

Now I've read some of Marguerite Bennett's comments about the Lobo redesign and I really like what she posted on her Tumblr but which was eventually taken down for some reason. She actually tells fans to read to page four before buying the issue! That's great advice seeing as how my main complaint is the bait and switch cover. She also thinks her story rocks and, really, it's not a bad story. It's just not a story about Lobo. It's a story about a new character that goes by the name Lobo and thinks he's the original Lobo. So Lobo in this story is correct every time he says, "You don't know me." It's fucking annoying. But it's true. This isn't Lobo. He just happens to be another surviving Czarnian using the same name. Also, he's an uninspired bore.

Batman Loves Superman #1

Of course Batman gets top billing.

In this episode, Batman's getting his Batcave pressure washed, so he moves into the Fortress of Solitude with Superman. But Superman gets tired of finding panties and cum stains all over his shit, so he runs a line of tape down the middle of the Fortress to keep Batman on his side and out of his things. Hilarity ensues when they realize the Kryptonite is on Superman's side but the Deadly Nocturnal Man-eating Plants from Vorageal 5 are on Batman's side. Also the toilet is split right down the middle and the handle is on Batman's side, so Superman leaves a gigantic super poop just sitting in the toilet for Bruce to find.

The problem with acting cynical and above it all and mentioning how DC is just trying to sell as many comic books as possible by sticking Batman and Superman in this book...the problem is that I still want to read a book focusing primarily on the relationship between Batman and Superman. I was barely even reading comics when this title appeared last time and I still managed to pick up the first trade because I'm a sucker for gimmicks. As long as, you know, Batman is the gimmick. Okay, that's a lie since I hardly ever read Batman comic books before The New 52. But someone did tell me it was pretty good, so I picked it up. And I was like, "Lex Luthor is president?! What the fuck happened?!" I think I was reading a lot more Marvel than DC in my last few years of reading comics before The Long Hiatus (that's the period of time between Cerebus ending and The New 52 beginning).

I will probably be referring to this comic book as Batman Verbs Superman for the entirety of its run because "Batman Superman" just sounds like a new hero whose secret origin has to do with a horrible Watchtower teleportation accident.

I hope Issue #2 begins with this same shot except Bruce on a farm being hassled by livestock. "My father always warned me about Smallville. Growing up in a city, you learn that human beings are pushy and smelly. We only survive by pushing back and smelling better. But when people come to Smallville, the smells push back even harder."

Look at this beautiful opening! Clark Kent, small town farmboy, nervous about visiting the city! Except he lives in a big city, so he's not nervous at all. He's simply being a judgmental prick, isn't he? "Oh, look at the mess Batman lives in! My city is so much cleaner! My city's drug dealers and prostitutes stay in the poorly maintained old downtown district abandoned by most white middle class residents years ago! What has Batman been doing? Goofing off with that sidekick when he should be cleaning up this city, that's what. Well, he's a reasonable Bat. He'll probably readily accept my offer to help make his city more like my golden home!"

Jeezly crow, even when I begin a paragraph ready to praise what I'm reading, I spiral into descent and madness and cynicism and can't help but bust Superman and Batman's chops. What I was trying to say was this: "Wow! This book is banging!" Ugh, no. Fuck no. I wasn't trying to say that at all. I think I injured my gag reflex by typing that. But seriously, I love Jae Lee's style on this thing.

Meanwhile Bruce Wayne is sitting in a park watching some bullies pick on a smaller, browner kid. He just watches, seeing that the boy is about to take matters into his own hands, change the way everybody looks at him, gain some real power of his own.

Not everybody wants saving, Clark.

What a superb moment for the meeting of Clark and Bruce and to shine a light on one of their inherent differences. Bruce knows the power to be gained by rising up on one's own. This boy had the power in him to stop the bullying once and for all. Clark's interference makes sure the boy doesn't get a bloody nose today, but the boy is still in the same place he was before. Just next time, Clark won't be there to save him. Bruce's world is one full of callouses and rough patches but it's one where people are more capable of surviving by their own hands. Clark's world is soft and tender, full of people who expect to be saved. It's not Clark's fault though! He believes in the good of everyone and that the world can be made cruelty free. So why not save everybody when they need it? Eventually, in Clark's eyes, nobody will need saving and peace will reign. Bruce sees it very differently, having grown up in Gotham. Batman can't be everywhere, so he needs to choose the people most vulnerable and in need of rescue. The others need to fend for themselves and, as Bruce sees it, a bloody nose or two goes a long way to self-reliance.

Clark's stance in that first panel is brilliant. It screams, "Nope! No way I can be Superman! Very awkward nerd here!"

Bruce Wayne's next Narration Box should be, "Am I going to have to kill him?" But right now he doesn't need to worry. Clark is simply in town investigating three murders of Wayne Enterprises employees that occurred in Metropolis. But Bruce Wayne isn't interested in helping Clark Kent. All Clark has done is put himself on Batman's radar. And, I guess, inform The Batman that some detectiving needs to be done!

All in all, it's a really nice opening to Batman Loves Superman.

Batman winds up in Metropolis keeping an eye on the one Wayne Enterprise employee that refused to relocate for the night. A crazed Catwoman attacks the employee, scratching his face just like the previously murdered employees. I suppose Catwoman must be being controlled by somebody because even if she's already fucking Batman at this point in history, she can't remain free after murdering three people. Or is she really that good? Will Batman just turn his head so he can get some late night, rooftop, super criminal in heat action? Batman crashes through a window to stop the murder because even in Metropolis Bruce Wayne must have investments in construction.

The entire rescue kind of goes tits up when the employee's kid comes out and the employee activates experimental Wayne Enterprises technology. Oh, and of course when Superman crashes through a wall. Really, Clark? Do you also have investments in construction? Because there was a perfectly good open broken window you could have flown through.

Isn't this always the way? You see a gorgeous, talented person dating somebody you have a crush on and the only hope you have is that the person isn't too terribly bright. And then you find out they're a doctor. At least Batman will eventually find out Clark Kent is a journalist and, at this point in world history, there may not be a worse profession with which you can be associated. Bunch of fucking slackers! Where are the real life Lois Lanes and Clark Kents? But not Jimmy Olsens. Who needs 'em?!

Superman has arrived late so he jumps to the conclusion that the man dressed in the bat suit is the murderer. Apparently Ma and Pa Kent raised him to be a sexist bastard because he doesn't think for one second that the woman dressed in the cat suit could be the murderer. Even though Clark Kent had, you know, photos of dead people with cat scratches on their faces. I take back what I said about him being a good journalist! I did say that, just in a roundabout way!

Superman hesitates because nearly every option he has will end up killing Batman. His Narration Boxing makes it sound like he wants to do it since he mentions that he's getting angry. But this is possibly Superman's biggest problem. Unless he's fighting something invulnerable, he has to be really careful in a fist fight. Imagine getting into a fight with a toddler with a gun and explosives. You have to subdue the toddler before it can seriously hurt someone but without seriously injuring the kid. That's actually a tough fight!

So while Superman is thinking about it, Batman blows him through another wall (the structural integrity of buildings in Metropolis have to conform to the Superman Code: the building must be able to stand with two full walls blown out and in rubble) and Superman plummets to the ground. I guess he's yet to figure out how to fly. And you know, Grant Morrison never did do a story where it showed Superman's progression from leaping to flying. Now I'm really beginning to wonder if he flies due to a Legion Flight Ring! But where does he keep it?!

Once Superman hits the ground, Batman begins pushing appliances on top of him while Catwoman watches. And speaking of Catwoman and her funky eyes that Batman noticed but I didn't make mention of:

Deadwoman!

The ghost thing flies in as Superman leaps up to punch Batman in his stupid appliance dropping face and there's a loud BOOOOM and they all disappear.

Next up on my stack of comics is Ann Nocenti's Catwoman, so these will probably be the three best Catwoman panels I read all night.

The BOOOOM sends Superman to the future? Where he appears in Smallville and falls to the ground next to future Batman? Superman is at least as confused as I am and he attacks Batman who he thinks is responsible for the teleporting. And if so, this Batguy also knows his secret identity. The fact that he turns and calls him "Clark" is a big clue to that as well.

Batman has also been teleported to the field but, for some reason, he's the current Batman. So where is "Years Ago" Batman? Did he wind up in the future? And then things get even weirder as Superman, weakened from Batman's use of his emergency Kryptonite, beats the crap out of Batman without having to hold back. Thanks, Kryptonite! Oh yeah, the weird part:

I have no idea who this is. The New 52 Maxima? Mrs. Mxyzptlk? Lexie Luthor?

Batman Loves Superman #1 Rating: "Goddammit, I hate Batman and Superman! But I really liked Batman Superman! It was Aces the Bathound!" -- Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea blurb for DC to use when the Trade Paperback is released. You're welcome, DC!