The Flash #35

I've only been waiting for it because that's how comic books work. I suppose I could have called up Van Jensen to describe the fight to me.

Two versions of The Flash fighting really isn't as exciting as DC Comics makes it sound. Since they both move super fast, their fight is equivalent to a brawl by two drunks over who ate the last potato wedge. I'd rather see The Flash battle a talking monkey. Preferably in a story entitled "Gorilla Warfare." Because that hasn't been overused. Also not been overused? Saying something hasn't been overused! Oh wait. I just overused it. Sorry.

If I were The Flash, I would constantly be losing my shit. Why isn't he constantly punching holes in his walls waiting for Firefox to fucking load a webpage? What the fuck is wrong with you, Firefox?! Why do you constantly stall and disappear and then reappear and then scroll all the way down the page when I didn't ask you to and then spit in my fucking face? If I were living at a speed that made the rest of the world slow to a crawl, I think I'd kill myself. Remember, everything you do quickly, in your eyes, is at a normal speed. So even if I were to do a bunch of chores while waiting for webpages to load, it would still feel like the webpage is taking hours to load while I washed the dishes and vacuumed the rug and jerked off. Oh man. Jerking off at super speed must be terrifying! Although you wouldn't notice you were going super fast, of course, because your brain compensates and it just seems like the world around you is slow. But you'd know that you were yanking at your cock a thousand wanks a minute! Would the Speed Force protect your tender parts or is the Speed Force as judgmental about "private" activities as God is?

My point is that being a speedster must be fucking torture. How does Barry Allen even sit through a movie? STAR Labs probably has to rig up movies to play at super speeds so that he doesn't feel like he's watching an old fashioned slide show where somebody decided to repeat every slide twenty times. I guess Barry just has to be satisfied with reading comic books.

Don't tell me the Speed Force only kicks in when he wants it to and other times he's going at normal speed because I don't want to believe that nonsense.

Okay, so Future-Flash had finally made it to Forward-Flash's time in Central City. He's ready to save the Speed Force! For some reason. Why, exactly, does it need to be saved again? Is it because with the Speed Force out of control, Hitler is now living in Central City in 2014?

Why is Hitler in a hurry? Poland isn't going anywhere! Hmm. Too soon?

I suppose with the Reboot and all of this time travel nonsense and the Speed Force being out of whack, that really could be Hitler! His moustache is a bit wide but he's got the hair and the salute down pat!

Once Future-Flash checks his Goopple Wrist Computer to determine he's in the right place and time to fix the Speed Force, he kills Barry before Barry knows what's happening. Oh no, sorry. He kidnaps Barry so he can tell Barry what's happening and make the job difficult, if not impossible.

The Flash is already selling Flash merchandise? Cereal Bowls and Women's Flannel Nighties?

Future-Flash takes Forward-Flash to the Salt Flats where all of the important Flash history takes place. That's because that's where the wound in the Speed Force began back when that one thing happened that caused that other thing that sucked. It's all detailed in past issues of The Flash if you're interested in the particulars. But, and I'm guessing here (again!), Future-Flash must need Forward-Flash alive to seal the tear in the Speed Force which is probably why he didn't just blow a hole straight through Barry as Barry ate his cereal.

This issue is called "Out of Time." I would have called it "Running Out of Time" but then I just can't get enough mentions of running in this comic book. Cracks me up every time! "Wait, wait, wait. Did that guy just say he was 'running errands'? Bwa ha ha ha ha!"

Barry learns how Future-Flash intends to fix the wound in the Speed Force and it isn't ideal.

Oh Brett Booth! You're a master of making me not care about sight. Barry's look here is anti-anime. Small Eyes. Big Mouth.

Okay, everybody say it together! "There is another way! Future-Flash can die as well! Problem solved!" So now we just wait for Wally West to travel back in time (thus fucking up the Speed Force even further) to kill Future-Flash for having murdered his uncle, Reverse-Flash. That will fix the Speed Force and then nobody has to be a murderer because Wally-Flash will no longer exist. Unless there are two to fifteen paradoxes implicit in the solution and then I guess it's time for a new Flashpoint?

Actually, it can be undone since the point of origin of the tear is known, just stop the monorail from being charged with the Speed Force or from exploding or any number of things that will result in the tear never happening. Also, Future-Flash said "newsflash." That was funny, hunh?!

Comic book logic is the best. If Future-Flash says the tear can't be undone, well then, I guess it can't be undone! But he can find the place in time where it's still small enough to not be much of a problem and can be closed. So can't he go even further back in time until it's even tinier? Or does it just sort of reach a minimum size and then it's continuously hanging over the Salt Flats no matter how far back in time you run? Also, why does the tear in the Speed Force remain in the same place in space relative to its position on Earth? Why doesn't it remain in the place it happened as the Earth and the solar system and the galaxy zip away from it? Oh wait! I know why! Because of the way the galaxy expands like the outside of a blown up balloon! Everything moves away from everything else while still retaining its exact same position on the outside of the balloon. Right?!

I know another way to seal the wound in the Speed Force! Barry Allen can sue it closed! It looks like The Flash's trademark lightning bolt and, as we've seen earlier, The Flash is already marketing products using that symbol. So now he just needs to get a few trademark lawyers out to the Salt Flats to present the wound with a cease and desist. Problem solved!

Ha ha! "All flash!" Also, gross! He fights a villain named Plaque?!

Right before Future-Flash does his finishing move on Barry Allen, he yells the killer one-liner he's been dying to use! "You're the stitch in time." Jesus, Future-Flash. That sounds like the kind of finishing move yell my grandmother would have come up with.

And then Wally West appears to save time! I mean, he shows up in time to save time. I didn't mean it looks like he saves time. He hasn't saved time yet! Unless he has? Time travel is confusing!

Did Wally get leg extensions to help him run faster?

Wally winds up absorbing all of the excessive Speed Force leaking out of everybody and then blows up, sealing the rupture. Fans of the Preboot Wally West cheer! Because the new imposter dies, not because Wally saved the world. Jerks.

Now Future-Flash is future-sad because his whole reason for coming back to the past was to save Wally. But now Wally is dead! It was all for nothing! Except for the part where reality is saved because the rupture was closed. And now future Wally West doesn't have to come back in time to save it, so Wally West will live! Also, he won't be killed due to Reverse-Flash because Forward-Flash is no longer going to lose time every time he runs. So what the fuck is Future-Flash so sad for? Maybe it's because he's still being drawn by Brett Booth? Also, he can't go back to the future. So he'll have to stay in DC's current timeline. Which is probably a good thing since Forward-Flash is either now Way-Back-Time-Flash or he just was transported to Mystery Dinosaur Island. Also his speed is gone. Also, there are murderous robots that scream "Exterminate." Hmm. I hope Barry's trademark lawyers aren't seeing this.

The Flash #35 Rating: -4 Ranking. That drop is for this overall storyline. This is why I don't like "alternate future timeline" stories. Here was a big story with lots of big ideas and big things happening and what was Barry's role in it? Simply passive, ignorant, cereal-eating bystander. Everything just happens to him. He never actually plays a heroic role in this story. He just notices his watch keeps slowing down and then his future self appears and then future Wally appears and then the problem is solved and Barry is just left as confused as ever. Barry didn't learn anything. Barry didn't accomplish anything. Barry might as well have been a sexy lamp.

Futures End: The Flash #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, as Goggles McDeathhurt and her lost tribe wander the Dusty Stretches, Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea returns to the internet! Because Tess doesn't have a voice for radio and, anyway, the radio source could be tracked and somebody might not take too kindly to his not being dead like he's supposed to be. So Tess found a shitty little terminal still hooked up to an anemic internet with just the barest hints of life, somehow kept alive by super nerds spread across the globe. I don't know how it all works! I just write comic book fiction about comic book fiction! Logic hasn't merely been thrown out the window. It's been castrated, eviscerated, sodomoderated, and left to bleed out in the gutter. Also, logic is male, apparently. I mean, duh!

Hey loneliest of loneliest souls! Greetings from the Underworld. That's a joke about how I'm supposed to be dead because that woman with the crazy eyes and the broad shoulders and the swimming goggles tangled up in her wild hair supposedly stuck me like your morning breakfast was stuck before it was processed and shipped and sold and cooked and turned into your morning breakfast. Also it's a clue to my whereabouts which are underground! So far underground that you'd never find me even if you were a master spelunker. Master Spelunker isn't quite as clever as Master Debater or Cunning Linguist. Actually, it isn't clever at all. It's just two words that I put one after the other to describe something relatively mundane. Anyway, I have a comic book to read!

It's the Futures End version of The Flash and I wanted to read it today because our theme today is running! As The Flash television show once said so adroitly: "We are all running. Sometimes we're running from something. Sometimes we're running to something." So true! And profound! Sometimes when I'm just sitting, my nose begins running! Sometimes it runs a goddamned marathon! But before I read The Flash comic book, I want to present an essay I wrote a few days ago but I was feeling nervous and vulnerable about posting it so I didn't post it and now I'm going to post it because I think vulnerable people need to feel inspired by the idea that other people feel vulnerable. Take special note of the parts where I explain how much sex I've had throughout my life.

My Not At All Plagiarized Or Stolen Or Satirical Or Mean-Spirited Parody of Somebody Else's Essay
By Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea and not anybody else. Seriously.

I have had a privileged life. I mean, I haven't really. Not in the way white males think people mean privileged. But I'm white and male so I need to say I have led a privileged life because, you know! It's much easier to live without everybody telling me who I'm supposed to be or who I'm supposed to hate or how I can't have all the sex that I love to have. So at least I get to be me without any interference from society around me. I mean, mostly! Obviously I live in society (and have loads of sex in it) so it's going to be a jerk to me and scare me all the time because I have scaredy cat issues. But I didn't know I had scaredy cat issues until this woman who totally jerked me off while her fist was in my ass told me that I had scaredy cat issues. That was a good day. I mean, weeks! We totally did that for weeks.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm super vulnerable and it might look like I'm white and a man but life is still hard because it's hard for everybody even if it's harder for other people but, you know, it's still hard for me too! Like my dick when chicks are all up on it!

But I also cry and stuff although I didn't used to cry but now I cry but I'm ashamed of crying because of the white and male thing earlier, remember? But I think I'm also broken because didn't Douglas Coupland constantly write like twenty novels a day about how white suburban males are totally lost and broken? Hey! That's me and stuff! Plus all the sex. Remember the sex I constantly have. Not that that makes my life any easier. I'm still very vulnerable, of course!

And people need to know that they're not the only ones who feel vulnerable because this shit is easy but it's really hard, see? Inspiring! I probably should have said "inspire" a few times. But also "lonely" and "alone" and "together alone" and "deep throated throughout my thirties." Stuff like that would have made this more tear jerkery! Anyway, thanks for listening about how vulnerable and thoroughly sexed I am even though I'm a white male! The end!

See how we're all running? Or something! Hey look! A comic book!

What good is running fast if you lose time while running fast? You might as well just walk everywhere!

Reverse-Flash has escaped from prison but Forward-Flash is on the other side of the planet. So he isn't going to be able to stop Reverse-Flash from killing Wally West and crippling Iris West. Not that he knows that that's going to happen since he's The Flash and not The Psychic. But The Flash from thirty-five fifteen years in the future knows that it's going to happen so he's come back in time to stop it from happening. If he can time travel, what does it matter if he loses time? I think Flash needs to work on his interactions with reality and comic book logic.

Why does everybody in this comic book wear clothes that are five sizes too small for them? Oh, I remember why! Because Brett Booth is drawing it!

Future-Flash breaks the neck of Reverse-Flash because who hasn't been wanting to do that since Daniel West first appeared in this comic book! Pouty, whiny, woe is me asshole! Get a job! Preferably one that could really use a guy that can go backwards in time. Like maybe an executive at a Hollywood Movie Studio so you can see what movies are big hits then go back in time and produce them before the original person produces them.

Future-Flash also manages to save Iris and Wally.

All of their clothing is so goddamned fucking tight!

Forward-Flash is angry that Future-Flash broke Reverse-Flash's neck. He's all, "I didn't see that coming!" And Future-Flash is all, "He just ran out of time!" And Forward-Flash is all, "Stop running your mouth!" And Future-Flash is all, "Why couldn't Reverse-Flash urinate after having already pissed three times that day? Because he hit his Peed Limit!" And Forward-Flash is all, "Noooooo!" And Wally was all, "Holy shit! I can't wait to be Black-Flash so I can tell jokes all of the time!"

Future-Flash has determined that the Speed Force is broken because it was used in the wrong way. The only way it was supposed to be used was a very strict way which was Barry running really fast which was the only way to fix the Speed Force which naturally tends to break if left to its own devices. Or if used incorrectly. Or if stared at too long in a lascivious manner. Now the only way to fix the Speed Force is to travel back in time so that it breaks but it's also unbreaking because it wasn't as broken in the past even though traveling to the past is totally breaking it like crazy. Or something. I think the main thing is this: Forward-Flash must die! But not this version of him! The version of him five years prior to this one. I think. Since the cover of Issue #35 shows Forward-Flash fighting Future-Flash again.

I guess I should be calling this Futures End Forward-Flash "Not-Quite-As-Futury-As-Future-Flash-Flash." Except that doesn't really roll off the keyboard. And it doesn't make a clever acronym either.

Here's how you could have expended less effort: not stopped at all these pit stops along the way and just went straight back to your target time to kill The Flash which would have caused a chain reaction and stopped all the other things from happening as well.

Forward-Flash and Future-Flash cause some kind of feedback loop because as we all know you can't interact with yourself when time traveling! It's just bad news all the way around! Especially since you'll never be able to get the image of coming all over your duplicate's face out of your head. After the feedback loop causes an explosion spiral, Future-Flash is gone, Forward-Flash has half of his face melted, and Wally is now The Flash everybody but nobody has been waiting for. You know what I mean! He's the reboot version of a beloved prankster! And he doesn't have red hair. Obviously not the same character if he doesn't have red hair. Plus this Wally is a juvenile delinquent! Not because he's black! Because he just is! Or something.

Oh, don't worry about it. This moment of time has already ceased to exist! Probably. I mean, all of these moments will have already been excised from the future! Because Future-Flash will be defeated and Forward-Flash will fix the Speed Force and none of this will have ever already have been happening. Or something.

Hey! Have I mentioned how much I hate bad time travel stories and plots that depend on alternate future timelines?! I have? Oh, okay. Carry on.

Future-Flash arrives in the now to battle Now-Flash and, probably, Black-Flash. Just imagine how big that feedback loop will be! That wasn't a racial joke about the stereotypical size of a black man's junk. I guess it could have been if you thought that and found it funny. But it wasn't and if you found it offensive, it especially wasn't.

Futures End: The Flash #1 Rating: Wait. Am I still doing these rankings in the future? I think I stopped doing those like four years and eleven months ago!

Infinity Man and the Forever People #4

This should be the November Variants! Bat-Cow covers! I'd request that variant! Although I wouldn't have known to request that variant since I never know what's coming up. Hey! If a Bat-Cow Variant Month ever happens, somebody let me know in time to request them!

Remember that television show Lost? Remember how I constantly mention how it really screwed up when the writers decided the characters weren't in Purgatory because too many people on the internet guessed that was what was going on? Here's another reason why you know it was supposed to be Purgatory: the Flashbacks. The flashbacks were there to show what kind of a person the character was when they were alive and how they were changing or repenting or staying the same or falling further to evil. In a show where the characters are merely on a weird island taken over by a near mystical corporation, the flashbacks don't mean nearly as much. Which is why they changed to flashforwards and, finally, to flashafterlifes.

Also, for the people that only really watched the show to find out what the smoke monster was (it was a smoke monster that made roller coaster noises), the final season didn't mean they were all dead the whole time. The flashafterlifes were just what the characters were doing in Lost's new version of Purgatory as they all waited to move on together. So they were really just all waiting for everybody involved to die. Not counting the drunk drivers. They all went to hell immediately.

This issue is called "Milk Run" because dry cereal is awful.

At the end of last issue, The Forever People were involved in a BOOM Tube accident.

And by "topography," Serafina means "billboard."

Batman is involved in dairy farming? I don't think Batcow would be very pleased to learn this! Dairy Farmers are the leading cause of people feeling bad about eating baby boy cows. It's a fact! I bet Batman is actually experimenting with weaponized cows. At least that would be less vile than dairy farming.

I said it's a fact! Don't fucking argue with me! Dairy is evil! Except Ben and Jerry's which is fucking delicious! And probably all the other ice cream too. And butter. And strawberry milk.

Oh no! That's the most difficult cardinal direction in which to make your way!

That last caption probably would have been a good place to make my traditional "mother box" joke! Oh well. I guess I'll have to wait for another opportunity to equate the female genitals with a container.

I bet Giffen and DiDio just laughed and laughed about Batcow licking Mother Box. It's an innuendo!

Why is Batcow in Ventura, California? I bet Batcow is on a secret mission to catch Jokercow! Or maybe she's on vacation with Catcow!

The Forever People are morons who need Batcow to show them how to travel south. Not that you have to be a moron to be less smart than Batcow! It's just, well, they are morons.

Meanwhile on New Genesis, Infinity Man tells Hymen that he's going to help Highfather. That's a lie! Last issue, he said that Highfather and the people of New Genesis were just as dangerous as Darkseid and the monstrosities of Apokolips! He said ordering the universe was just as bad as chaoticking the universe! I think the Infinity Man has some hidden, selfish motivations!

Anyway, I thought Infinity Man could only appear while the Forever People were singing songs to Mother Box? And then don't they take his place in Infinity while he forces people to stop doing everything they're doing because they're interfering with the natural order of things?

Back on Earth, the bus The New Gods take to go south takes sixteen hours to get from Ventura to Venice Beach. I think that's Dan DiDio's commentary on how shitty bus travel is. Or the people of DC have no idea how to look at a map. I think it might be that one since practically nobody at the company knows that Antarctica and The Arctic are two separate places.

What?

Is there a reason this comic book needed to be created (besides Dan DiDio's obsession with rewriting everything Jack Kirby ever created)? Am I supposed to be learning something about human nature when viewed through the eyes of a New God? Is it about the slapstick adventures of out-of-place foreigners getting their bearings in a new and strange land? I thought the New Gods were supposed to teach earthlings how to be grown up citizens of the universe but the New Gods are getting directions from cows, so how wise can they be? It's drawn and partially written by Keith Giffen so I guess it's supposed to be funny? Maybe? I mean funny in that way that Giffen is funny where he comes up with an average joke and tells it fifteen times in the same book.

Oh! I get it! Ha ha! They pissed in the pool! Didn't they read the sign that said, "This is our _ool. Notice it has no 'P' in it. Please keep it that way"?

The man cleaning the pool is Doctor Skuba. That's an evil scientist name if I ever heard one! And I have heard one. I've heard many! He tells Serafina that his hatred for those that would befoul water knows no bounds! Bwa ha ha ha!

He doesn't laugh like Giffen would have made him laugh. I added that! Because Giffen probably just forgot to add it. Or he'll do it later. Or maybe he can't use that laugh unless J.M. DeMatteis is co-writing.

Why didn't she use that cartridge on Batcow?!

I think I just realized what genre this comic book is! It's a teenaged college shenanigans comedy! Cow craziness! Road trips! Pool parties! Repeat offenders! Women losing their tops! Men making gay jokes about each other because being gay is gay (even though it is college which is the most appropriate time for a heterosexual to be gay). I can't wait until they prank the Dean!

But first the New Gods Greek House has to get into a crazy battle with the other main Greek House of Earth, Gamma Lipschitz Coitus.

AKA The Red Lanterns!

Infinity Man and the Forever People #4 Ranking: No change. Batcow saved this issue because I can't rank down a comic book that has Batcow in it! Even though it didn't make sense for Batcow to be in California. Sure, I know the cover said it was a gratuitous appearance! But I still hope that Batcow's trip to California will remain in continuity and Peter J. Tomasi will work it into Batman and Robin.

Catwoman #35

Trick or treating in Gotham, I'd expect a pumpkin full of bullet casings and used needles.

I'd like to have a frank discussion (and by "discussion," I mean "monologue") about sexual relations between the genders since this book is full of sex and not full of decapitations. You really can only have one or the other. So Batman and Robin gets the decapitations and this book gets the fornication. Although the book has really just been coasting for thirty four issues on the first issue sex scene between Batman and Catwoman. Hardly a sheet has been soiled since! But it still has a teen plus rating for some reason. Perhaps DC was just trying to protect the fragile minds of children from Ann Nocenti's dialogue. You can't be too careful with brains still forging their neural pathways. You don't want to expose them to terrible shit so that their brains get used to terrible shit and wind up, as adult brains, seeking out that terrible shit for pleasure.

Oh yeah! Speaking of pleasure, I was going to discuss how our society views sex differently depending on the gender of the person engaged in the act. I think before we can entertain the possibility of social equality when it comes to men and women engaging in coitus, we have to first change the language. When teaching some young person (or grown ass person raised by their Auntie Grizelda), the act is usually described as the penis entering the vagina. Although, really, it depends on how many inches the penis is if we're going to accurately state it entered the vagina! Perhaps people that know what actually happens during sex (don't look at me! I keep my eyes closed!) say something like the penis enters the vaginal opening. The vulva? Or the labia? Labias? The cricket?!

Anyway, forget all that! I'm getting distracted! What I meant to point out is how our language, even when just describing the act in regards to the reproductive organs, places the male organ as the subject and the female organ as the object. The lady parts are seen as passive while the male parts do all the banging. And since language codifies thought (or something more accurate that doesn't sound as smart), what the person being told about sex hears is the man acts out sex on the woman. That puts the power in the penis and, thus, the man (though, just so you don't shut me down for erasure, not in all cases. This is a general discussion of the (boringly) average populace. I don't have time to go over every individual case. Well, maybe I do. But I'm not going to since I barely know about the case that would most likely involve my reproductive parts!). So from now on, we should describe sex as the vagina enfolding the penis. I suppose you could also use engulfing or swallowing as well but that might frighten young boys away from the vagina.

Although is that really such a bad thing? Frightening boys away from it? Why don't we just say vagina have teeth? I mean, we already have a social contract between adults and children that allows for adults to lie to them as often as possible. They lie about the tooth fairy and Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and the Stork and Jesus Christ. Why not tell boys that women's vagina have teeth which fall out during the woman's first time having sex? And by "fall out," I mean latch on to the penis and lacerate the fuck out of it? I suppose that would cause more trouble than it's worth since the first time a boy and girl engage in sex (because they really, really love each other and plan on spending the rest of their lives together and never think about fucking anybody else ever), the boy will want to know where the woman's vagina teeth have gone. Then he'll think that she's already had sex and he'll pout and cry and be a little douche because, even at that young, innocent, naive age, he already thinks a woman belongs to him and that she owes it to him to not have had sex before she even met him. And then the girl will have to tell the boy how she had a really bad bicycle accident where she fell on the bar really hard and knocked out all her vaginal teeth.

Maybe it's best just to be honest with kids!

So did we learn anything? No? Oh well. I guess I'm not the person to be educating other people on whatever I thought I was trying to educate them on. How did Catwoman fit in to this discussion?

I don't even know how Catwoman fits into the discussion of Catwoman?! What language is this letter in? Prig Latin?

The name of this issue is "Comfort to the Hurt of the King." So if I understood the Prig Latin letter, maybe I'd understand what this issue was about! All I know for sure is that Catwoman is now the heir to the Calabrese Crime Family and that she's no longer being written by Ann Nocenti. Thank the Vaginal Teeth of Santa Jesus Bunny!

Now instead of jewel heists, this book is going to be about crime family drama! Except it hadn't been about jewel heists for quite a while anyway. Remember when Ann Nocenti had Selina declare she was done with jewels and gems?! I think it was because of Eclipso. Holy shit was that an awful story. Just like all of her other stories!

Selina is suddenly fascinated with the reign of Elizabeth I. Did she rule England? Was she the one that was around during Shakespeare's time? Didn't she enjoy that fucking Faerie Queene bullshit by Wrong Way Spenser? I don't know if that was Edmund Spenser's nickname or not, but I think he would have liked it!

I hope in four hundred years, people call the end of the 20th Century the Tessian Age! How do I become powerful enough for that to happen? Is it too late? Did I make my first mistake by being born to the wrong mother?! Stupid mom!

I like the premise of this story. I like how it's working around the events of Batman Eternal in much the same way Arkham Manor is. But it's just weird that it's a Catwoman story.

Catwoman's current job is to not steal anything. Also, she needs to get the Hasigawa Family to join the coalition of Crime Families for the Betterment of Gotham City (CFBGC. That's a dumb acronym. No wonder people like backronyms better). The Hasigawas are rarely ever heard about because Valentine may have just created them for this story. They're Japanese which means they're probably good martial artists with the skills and values of the samurai. What's that called? Sokobon? Sodoku? Bukake? Bushido! They probably also love raking sand, growing small trees, bubble tea, and folding paper. I'm not stereotyping! I'm playing the odds!

I think Selina and Eiko are going to become good, Teen Plus friends. If you get my meaning! I mean, video game sleepovers and gossip parties and roller skating and getting drunk on wine while discussing Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn's Teen Plus relationship.

Meanwhile, Alvarez and Keyes are still in this comic book. I suppose that's a good thing although every time I see them, I'm going to be thinking of Nocenti. They've been hunting Catwoman for quite awhile now. Did they know she was Catwoman? I can't remember. They do know that Selina is selling Gotham's guns to out of towners and Alvarez doesn't like it! How come neither of these cops have figured out that Selina works in their Suicide Hotline Department?

I'd rather you write it for me! What are you talking about?! Does this have something to do with that "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend" song?! Is this a reference to Elizabeth I?!

Later, Batman shows up. And simply because Genevieve wrote the following two panels, I love her for taking over this comic book! Unless Genevieve is a guy's name. And then I meant platonic love, of course!

Glad to see Selina saying "Fuck you!" to Batman. Even if it is just with a look. Maybe especially because it's just that look!

Batman has so many facets depending on who's writing him. Of course there's the hyper-violent, emotionless vigilante which we get way, way too often. I like the Batman in this current scene with Catwoman, even though he's awkward and uncomfortable and mostly a dick. He really thinks this is a sweet interaction, doesn't he? Batman just can't see when he's being a controlling, withholding, unbearable asshat. And I love that Batman! He should be emotionally awkward and unsure how to pursue a relationship with a woman that isn't just Bruce Wayne arm candy! His relationship with Selina could work because they know the other's true selves (not that she knows his identity yet in The New 52. But Bruce is the mask anyway, so it doesn't really matter) but Batman...well, shit, Batman is constantly going to fuck it up. Just because he doesn't know how not to be completely Batman. And I want a Catwoman that will have no real part of him until he straightens the fuck out. So I love those two panels. There can be a variety of reasons and interpretations for that look Selina gives. But I think they all wind up in a kind of "Fuck you, Batman" place.

As I've stated before, Batman loves to lecture Selina every chance he gets. And he doesn't miss the chance this time either!

Goddamn this comic book has needed more of these two having real fucking interactions.

Meanwhile, Black Mask becomes some kind of player or opponent or something. We'll see eventually, I suppose. And Selina notices, later that night from her balcony, a woman on top of a building far away. A woman in a cat suit!

Catwoman #35 Rating: +20 Rankings! Okay, okay. I'm just a little giddy from the non-Nocenti I just didn't partake of. Or did partake of! Stupid negatives. Whatever! I suddenly have high fucking hopes for a huge turn around on Catwoman! Hey, Genevieve? How would you feel about writing Klarion soon?

Deathstroke #1

I'm already disappointed with this book.

I can't help but feel like I'm going to be reading one of the shittiest books of the New 52 in just a few seconds. And just to put Mr. Daniel at ease, only a small percentage of my doom and gloom attitude comes from knowing that he's writing the book. Also, Mr. Daniel, have you ever thought about just adding an "s" to your last name?

My pessimism lies mostly in what DC Comics did to Deathstroke during his first series. They changed his motivation, over and over again. They changed his family dynamic, and how his family died, and how his children related to one another. What was true in Higgins run was not true in Liefeld's run and changed yet again during Jordan's run. And then, to top it all off, the Villains Month issue rearranged Slade Wilson's life one final time. I guess the best I can hope for is that DC's editorial just told Tony S. Daniel to write Slade however the fuck he wanted to write him, and to just make up an entirely new history for him. Let's all just pretend that the previous versions of Slade were clones from the Marvel Universe and the real Slade Wilson has finally arrived to kick butt and slit throats.

Although I will allow for one story of Deathstroke's to remain canon! That was his appearance in the short lived Green Team. That may have been his best characterization in The New 52. Even his role in Forever Evil didn't make any sense!

Oh, and I hope Mr. Daniel doesn't just steal ideas from the television show Arrow! That's a whole separate universe and that Slade wouldn't work in this universe, okay?! Okay. Let's read this shit.

After page one, a significantly higher portion of my doom and gloom attitude can now be attributed to Tony S. Daniel's writing.

Fuck. I like Deathstroke best when he's an amoral mercenary, taking jobs to earn money and increase his reputation as the greatest killer for hire the DC Universe has ever seen. I don't want to see Slade Wilson as a good guy. Granted, if I respected Mr. Daniel's writing ability (although how can I after what he did to Detective Comics and Hawkman?), I might expect Slade to still do really horrible and reprehensible things while he believes he's acting toward the greater good. But I don't respect Mr. Daniel's writing enough to allow for that possibility. I think he plans on making Slade take jobs where he kills bad people but no evidence will exist that the people he kills are bad. So he'll still have a terrible reputation amongst the heroes that would love to put a stop to him while still feeling his actions are justified in his own mind.

I also predict at least two double-splash page spreads during this issue! It's highly likely I'll see my first one as I turn to page two!

Nope. Just a whole lot more Narration Boxing so that the reader can understand Slade's motivations clearly. Wouldn't want to make up our own minds on what side of the moral line we think he works on. Best to hear it straight from him so we know what we're supposed to think of his actions. He's a good guy!

More explanatory bullshit. Some might use the phrase "setting the stage." But when I go to the theater, I expect the stage to already be set when the curtain opens.

Three pages in and I'm wondering why I'm not playing Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare! Here's what I've learned so far in the most boring manner possible. Deathstroke is the world's deadliest assassin. Slade isn't going to hide from that. Slade loves his job. Dead men don't talk. Slade loves adventure. Slade thinks he's a good guy. Slade has friends all over the world. Slade knows a guy named Tiggs but won't tell anybody, ever, that Tiggs' name is Tiggs. Slade hates technology (although he probably loves weapon technology!). Putin hates Deathstroke. Deathstroke knows a woman in Russian named Angelica. Angelica likes to work hard and party harder. Slade is missing one eye.

That's a lot to have learned in three pages, right?! Sure. But that's what happens when 50% of every panel is composed of Narration Boxes.

And then Pages 4 and 5 have the Double Splash! Oh, I knew Tony S. Daniel couldn't resist a good waste of space during the credits! Although for once, he actually utilizes the space well by placing a number of panels over the top of the double page spread. So technically, it's not a double page splash since he still gets some panels in there to work on the story. But come on! It's still two full pages of a cityscape with Deathstroke jumping across the skyline. I guess he's falling out of a plane?

Is this a Dark Knight Returns homage?

Deathstroke kills a bunch of people and also says, "Location. Location. Location." Just so you know he's heard phrases that are often used as not really funny punchlines but recognizable enough that people think they just heard a joke. He also kills a lot of people at each location. But just so the reader knows he's not killing willy-nilly, Slade lets the last guy go because he's "not on Slade's list."

Here's one of the problems with writing a Deathstroke comic: he's the best at what he does. So it's very difficult to create tension and to find a conflict that truly challenges Deathstroke. It's very similar to the problem writers of Superman face. Now, the weaker writers challenge Superman by having him face a creature that is more powerful than he is. They slug it out for awhile until Superman, having said, "That actually hurt!", barely winds up on top. Deathstroke suffers from the same problem but usually somebody is shooting lots and lots of bullets at him and proves to be quicker in hand to hand combat. So then Slade just has to get a second wind and have enough heart and power his way to victory! Let's hope Slade's problem doesn't have to do with an opponent he can't beat in a fight. Let's hope things get a lot more complicated. I'm trusting you, Tony S Daniel! You pitched this story and it was accepted, so let's hope you didn't just walk into the editor's office and say, "Imagine this! Deathstroke takes an easy job only to find out that the job...is not easy!"

Angelica fell asleep on her George Foreman Grill.

Since I highly doubt the two men that Angelica tortured "literally squealed their hearts out," I'm going to assume the idiom she meant to use just doesn't translate well to English from Russian.

Things quickly fall apart once Slade thinks he has his mark, Opossum, cornered. But Opossum isn't cornered at all! He's just playing cornered! Instead, he has a device that emits a sound that turns Slade into a useless jelly roll. I think Slade must have gotten his super powers in a different manner than the previous ways he got his super powers because now they can be hacked by a loud sound. Which is weird since Slade already mentioned that he hates technology because it is always being hacked by young kids getting paid in weed. He said that. I didn't make that up. And now that Slade is down, he gives up some kind of code to Opossum.

Why is Slade supposedly better than other people when he uses 10% less of his brain activity than we all do? I guess the 10% of the brain Slade doesn't use houses his doubt and self-loathing and constant desire to masturbate.

Slade manages to defeat Opossum by grabbing the blade Opossum is using to cut him up and shove the hilt of it back up through Opossum's head. It makes sense if you ignore the fact Opossum was holding on to the sword and would have needed to slide his hand through the hilt guard to lose that kind of control over it. Otherwise, he might have just banged the hilt up into his cheek or something. You know, at best. But that's okay! I understand from having read Daniel's early Hawkman and Detective Comics issues that Daniel's isn't really very good at telling a story using sequential art. He really does need a writer to get the best work out of him.

Opossum's back-up arrives in a VTOL and bombs the building down to its foundation.

And then it's Double Splash Page #2! Sure, there's a little panel down in the lower right but it doesn't really count.

Deathstork Deathstroke begins to kill every member of Opossum's back-up even thought they aren't on the list. I guess it's okay for Deathstroke to kill people that are actively trying to kill him. Then there's almost a third Double Splash Page! But I can't actually count it because it has six sequential panels along the bottom that continue the story. And that story is that Deathstroke killed everybody but Opossum. Surprise! He wasn't actually dead! Now I wonder where he got his name? From running between people's houses at night hissing like a maniac?

Deathstroke makes his way to some guy named I-Ching who owes him a favor. That's where he collapses with his brains falling out all over the floor. Well shit. Now he's only going to be able to use 80% of his brains.

Sixteen days later, Slade Wilson wakes up in a new body. One with two eyes and black hair and rippling, young muscles, and a tight, unsullied sphincter. Or maybe he's just much younger than he used to be. Who knows? It really just screams of a writer whose pitch for this book was, "Imagine Deathstroke suddenly being totally different without any connection to what made him Deathstroke when the comic book began! Imagine how freeing that would be to me, the writer! No more eye patch! No more old guy! No more family! No more bullshit, fucked up history with three or four different versions. And I'm only counting the versions after the Reboot! Imagine all the money I'll make!"

Deathstroke #1 Rating: Who the fuck knows?! Deathstroke got his ass completely kicked which should never happen except all of those times it always happens because the plot needs some kind of tension. And then Opossum gets his brains knocked out but he regenerates almost immediately and is just fine. So he's got better powers than Slade since Slade got some of his brains knocked out and it took him sixteen days to heal. And he didn't even heal from his own powers, apparently. I think he got dunked in a Lazarus Pit since he was covered in blood. That probably also explains why he's suddenly so much younger. Plus he has an enemy named Odyssey and he has a head that can be tinkered with by radio waves and he has a girlfriend named Angelica that is probably dead because her name isn't Opossum so she doesn't know the "seems dead" trick. I guess I'm starting this comic book in the middle of the rankings. And I guess I'm also starting a tradition of starting all non-Nocenti, non-Lobdell comics in the middle of the rankings!

Arkham Manor #1

I have no idea what the fuck this title is about but at least it isn't Tony S. Daniel's Deathstroke. Ugh. That's next!

The issue begins with that minor incident that just took place in Batman Eternal #29. You know the one? The one where God's Wrath (or Man's Wrath (or, let's face it, just plain old Jim Corrigan's Wrath)) shot up through Arkham Asylum from underground where Deacon Maxie Blackfire Zeus cast some spell on old Jimmy. It's probably Corrigan's fault for not releasing The Spectre earlier like Batwing kept suggesting. Instead he kept it pent up inside until he couldn't contain it anymore. And now that Arkham has been destroyed, where are the crazy people (or the even crazier people that think getting off on an insanity plea in Gotham is better than going to Blackgate) going to live?

Oh! Wayne Manor! I get it now! I guess with Batman busy chasing down Hush, and Alfred busy hallucinating his ass off in the ruins of Arkham, and Penny-Two having always wanted to open a Bed and Breakfast, everything has aligned to make Wayne Manor the perfect place to rehabilitate the criminally insane!

But first, everybody needs to argue about whose backyard will have all the entertaining new neighbors in it.

This series is going to be an entertaining, joke-filled look at mental illness, right? I can't wait!

Mayor Hady, using the vile, evil right of eminent domain (a "right" that probably cost me millions of dollars in inheritance money since my grandfather's family owned a bunch of orchards along Wolfe Road in Sunnyvale but had to sell at a low, low cost of pennies on the pennies because the government is, and always has been, full of assholes) decides Wayne Manor is the place the insane outta be. Sounds good! Although I hope the Batcave has its own bathroom or Penny-Two is going to have to poop in the Batmobile.

A note says that this issue takes place after Batman Eternal #30 which I haven't read yet! I hope I don't get any spoilers! I knew I should have violated the sanctity of the comic book stack and read Batman Eternal #30 this morning!

Uh oh. I think I just read a spoiler about "the idiot son" having lost the family fortune! I think he still had all of his money at the end of Batman Eternal #29! Did Hush steal his debit card and guess that the secret pin was 537154? That's as close as I can get to making Catwoman's name out of numbers!

Batman does some Narration Boxing so that the reader understands that he allowed this to happen. Sure you did, Bat-Genius! Unless it's all explained in Batman Eternal #30! If it is, then I'll apologize for calling you a Bat-Genius.

Nobody noticed the secret staircase behind the grandfather clock? Or the firemen's poles that appear when you push the button in the bust of Christopher Marlowe?

Apparently Batman filled the staircase with concrete. And I think he got rid of the poles years ago because they were just too campy. It seems he doesn't mind giving his house over to Gotham so the criminally insane have a safe place to live. And also a place to keep the rest of Gotham safe from them. He seems to really care about the needs of Arkham's old inmates, mostly because his father wanted the mentally ill of Gotham treated better. Usually Batman doesn't think twice about putting a mentally ill person in the hospital. But for now, he's pretending he cares. I can't wait until he drops the facade and starts making jokes about schizophrenia!

No wonder Batman is afraid his secret identity will get out. Just think of all the lawsuits that would be filed against him for criminal assault!

Bruce Wayne has rented an apartment somewhere in Gotham that he has yet to gentrify. Alfred is there getting drunk because, having recently been pumped full of Scarecrow's special "Piss and Children's Tears" Fear Formula, he's realized life's too short not to throw it all away in nightly bouts of drunkenness. Also, Alfred's back?! Spoiler!

Alfred informs Bruce that something has happened back at Arkham Manor that Batman should probably look into. Did they forget to bring Batcow? One of Alfred Pennyworth the Cat's catnip meeses? Alfred's twelve inch butt plug? Penny-two?!

Oh. The Scarlet Sodomite was killed in Alfred's old room. I guess Batman should investigate that.

Bullock reveals to Batman that another inmate was killed earlier as well. And that's when Batman realizes it's time to institute Plan "This Plan Always Works" Plan. You know the one! The one where Batman (or Nightwing) pretends to be somebody else and gets admitted to Arkham? It's the best way to solve cases! I think it's also the reason inmates constantly broke out of Arkham. Because they'd stumble upon one of Batman or Nightwing's secret escape hatches that they used to get out once they solved the case from inside Arkham.

Arkham Manor #1 Rating: I think I'll enjoy this series for as long as it goes because it's something different and enclosed within a small world. It's kind of the exact opposite of Batman Eternal. But they'd better start making jokes at the expense of the mentally ill already so I can have something to be pretend angry about! This one can begin in the middle of the pack to sink or swim on its own merits.

World's End #3

Meatloaf sure puts on a crazy show.

If you hadn't noticed, Meatloaf is down in the lower left corner rocking out of the UPC label. This sentence should probably be a "do anything for love" joke but I'm not a complete hack. No matter what my mother says.

Last issue, Twofer Starfire (the "War" member of the Four Horsewomen of Apokolips) took control of Tornado Lane, Power Girl, and The Huntress because women are easy to manipulate. Unless her real reason was that men are useless assholes. It's one of those, depending on how big of an asshole you are, or how easy you are to manipulate.

That joke probably needs an explanatory footnote because I don't trust people to understand the complex relationship between the last two sentences. But I'm not going to add a footnote because I don't understand the complex relationship between any of my sentences. I'm not sure I even need most of these sentences.

The title of this issue is "Furies" which is an anagram of "Rufies" which must be why the females are acting so strangely. So now it's four women against Replacement Batman because Val-el is a Pacifist. Is it ironic that "fist" is part of "pacifist"? No? Fuck you.

While little K'li takes over Europe by enslaving Earth-2's wonders, the other Horsewomen use farts.

Big flaming farts! Big gassy farts! Big bubbly farts!

While Earth-2 is casually destroyed by the Apokoliptian Golden Girls, the World Government discusses how they're going to spend their final twenty-three days of life before Apokolips rams Earth-2. Most of them want to spend it torturing Mister Miracle because he's from Apokolips, so fuck him. Others want to blow their nuclear load all over Apokolips. They built the arsenal of nuclear missiles so why not use it before they die, you know? Seems reasonable. Although can ICBMs reach escape velocity? Hee hee. I See BMs.

Meanwhile in Chicago, Twofer Dick Grayson keeps a journal. What's that?! A JOURNAL! Hey kids! You know what time it is?!

Over in London, John Constantine (the real John Constantine! Not that married Twofer asshole that might kind of actually represent the Hellblazer Constantine! The one that can probably say cunt without everybody getting all up in arms about it! Fucking Americans. It's just a bloody word, ya feckin' gits!) is being hunted by the Helmet of Doctor Cocoa Puffs, even though it should be trying to save the world. I guess it wants a more powerful host more than it wants a world not completely destroyed by alien invaders.

The action moves back to Geneva so I guess I'm going to get plot whiplash as the comic spends two pages in each location before moving on. In Geneva, Tornado Lane gets the blue screen of death and she has to reboot. That wipes War's influence from her mind. To break the spell on the other women, she smashes them into the ground as hard as her tornado power will let her. She smashes the guy's into the ground as well because fuck men, amirite? Somehow it works even though Power Girl is knocked silly while at the same time, The Huntress's brains aren't splattered all over Austria. Belgium? Denmark?

I should probably look at a map sometime!

Back in Amazonia, Jimmy falls into a sex trance about his mom.

Yeah, that's it! Rub them mama meals, Jimmy!

While Jimmy ruins his underwear in front of everyone, Khan, Sloan, Terrific, and Dodds agree to release Mister Miracle, Big Barda, and Fury so that they can follow them to Apokolips. At that exact same moment, Big Barda, Fury, and Mister Miracle break out of captivity and ruin everybody's plans.

Some Twofer versions of The Usual Earth are busy trying to figure out Mother Box. One is called Ted and one is called Linda but there's also a Crane and a Holland. Also there are only three scientists, and Ted is not Linda. So Holland might not be Alec Holland and Crane might not be Jonathan Crane. Unless the owl watching them is Holland. Or Linda is the Holland? Or maybe I shouldn't read too much into the names since they're not very smart and they need Jimmy Olsen to help them with Mother Box.

Replacement Batman, The Worlds' Finest Girls, Val-el, and Tornado Lane all decide to venture into the Geneva Fire Pit and shut it down. Although it seems like it's already vomited forth the worst thing it could.

I like how Tornado Lane declares she'll be safe due to her robot body then decides to go with Replacement Batman who, last time I checked, doesn't have a replacement body. Even though I call him Replacement Batman. Maybe if he dies, Great Grandfather Wayne will take over the role.

I know, I know! You don't have to tell me that the World Army is sending them equipment to enter the pit. Although, really, what good is equipment going to do a regular mortal when it was built to protect a guy like Commander Steel? Oh wait. Did Steel have super powers before he went in the pit?!

Queen Lantern and Aquawoman get a few pages at the end of the comic book. It looks like Pestilence got away and Death has taken over Atlantis. Also, London never fell to Meatloaf like the cover suggested.

World's End #3 Rating: No change. The only real problem with these weekly comic books is that they have so many plot threads happening, it gives me vertigo shifting from one thread to the next every one or two pages. Otherwise, I like having a lot going on and being able to revisit the story each week. Why aren't all comic books published this way?! Make the artists work faster and lets go weekly!