Green Lantern Corps #28

No sign of 2-6-8-1-7-9-5. Lame.

Once again the Green Lantern Corps have found themselves enmeshed in an intergalactic crisis! And once again, it's their own damn fault. The Durlans want them destroyed which means if the Green Lantern Corps didn't exist, the Durlans would be putting their time to better use. But the Green Lanterns can't just sit by and wait until they're destroyed simply because the crisis is their fault. So now they're off to find a rogue Durlan Green Lantern named Von Daggle. They need his help to identify shapeshifted Durlans that might want to assassinate Green Lanterns.

Oh yeah. A bunch of out of work Green Lantern villains decided to help fight in the war because the Durlans were dicks to them. So Bolphunga, Hunger Dog, John Stewart, and Fatality have tracked down Von Daggle in Sector 3502.

For a shapeshifter with an entire universe to hide in, he doesn't do a very good job of evasion. It might be because he's got an itch that needs scratching, if you know what I mean. And I mean drugs so if you thought I meant sex with children, go get help.

While Hunger Dog makes hunting Durlans easy so that John can take all the credit for finding Von Daggle, a Green Lantern I know nothing about named Soranik is kidnapped by some mysterious figures. The silhouette of the main one looks like a Blue Beetle with hairy arms so maybe she's a Black Widow? She has help from a big muscular guy because that kind of guy is always needed on a super villain team and another guy with severely bowed legs that is never needed for a super villain team. He might be some kind of insect alien. I have no idea who they are but then I don't even know who the Green Lantern is that they've stolen! Although she's from Korugar so I bet a lot of people mistrust her!

Back on the planet Muz, Von Daggle puts up a fight because the Guardians fucked him over for years. Why would anybody want to go back to that job? I mean besides Hal Jordan. It just seems like a gigantic pain in the ass where you're manipulated and lied to by your bosses day in and day out. Everybody in the universe wants to kill you and nobody ever thanks you for saving their planets. I've left much better jobs than that when my manager just looked at me funny! Or cried in my yearly review and refused to give me the raise I deserved because I didn't become her friend. And I couldn't go to human resources because my manager's sister was the head of the department! Fuck you, Barb Zilk! I'm glad that employee that was there for one day stole your credit card during a company meeting and ran out to the mall to blow your wad on Honeybaked Hams!

There's my girl, 2-6-8-1-7-9-5!

Salaak crashes into the table and almost harms my princess! He should be more careful where he lands when he's tossed unconscious into Mogo's gravity well from outer orbit. He informs Kilowog that the Green Lanterns have yet another crisis on their hands. Kilowog allows Iolande and Hwaal to try to save Soranik. Iolande is royalty and Hwaal is a meek little skinny guy that Iolande doesn't seem to have much confidence in. I don't know if it's because she knows he's a horrible Green Lantern or if it's because she's a stuck up twat. It's hard to say because I don't know any of these Green Lanterns! We're twenty-eight issues in and only just now getting to know the Corps! It's about fucking time! Thank you, Van Jensen, for remembering that this comic book isn't simply titled "John Stewart, Green Lantern. You Know. The Architect. He Was a Marine. You Know the One. The Black One. Yeah. Him." Kilowog also allows them to take a couple of villains along with them (Loragg and Zuree) because there's no possibility that they're going to try to escape. I imagine not all of the super villains give a shit whether the Durlans destroy the Green Lanterns or not.

Back on Muz, Von Daggle has finally run out of shapeshifting juice and allows himself to be captured because his transformations are now out of control. I didn't know Durlans needed to ingest radioactivity to transform! You learn something new (and entirely fictional so it won't help me in any life situation ever except maybe a very nerdy pub quiz) every day! But before Stewart and the others can take Von Daggle into custody, they're approached by a small army of Durlans. They want Von Daggle on their side as well. Mostly so that the Green Lanterns can't have him. I mean, really, they already have plenty of their own selves.

Finally, Lantern Soranik awakens to find she's been kidnapped by Arkillo. I'm actually surprised I remembered his name! He hasn't been around in a while. I guess no Yellow Lantern has! Did Sinestro send them out to find him a mate so he can restart the Korugan race?

Green Lantern Corps #28 Rating: +2 Ranking. A greater variety of Green Lanterns were mentioned in this issue than across all the issues of Green Lantern Corps and Green Lantern so far! I think. I didn't count or anything but it seemed like a lot of members of the Corps were getting some on-panel time. I like that! Remember Green Lantern Corps Quarterly?! This comic should be more like that one! Less Earthlings and more aliens please!

Kittens Getting Fucked Nasty #12

If DC isn't going to take this comic seriously, why neither am I!

The Justice League of America has now spent half of its issues with most of them lost somewhere and Stargirl running about in some kind of fake environment with Martian Manhunter. So this is where I'd usually continue with the what happened last issue segment but I don't care what happened last issue. I don't care what happened two issues ago. I don't care what has happened at any point of time during this comic book's run. I think. It's hard to remember when you obliterate every day with a steady dose of PCP.

Let's just pretend this comic book is a one shot and move on with our lives.

The issue begins with Stargirl remembering a memory she can't forget but one she's been refusing to completely remember for quite a number of issues now. I mean, if this story hadn't just started in this single issue one shot! Apparently some shit went down that was so shitty that she thinks she's too young to not want to remember it. You know, just like all those kids drafted to fight in Vietnam. But at least Stargirl had a choice to put on the uniform and fight. She had a choice which fight to fight as well! And now she's choosing to fight some more because she's tired of Amanda Waller just using her for press conferences. I'm pretty sure I inferred that from the story so far.

She's been making fun of an awful lot of people so far. In previous Star Girl appearances (probably also One Shots!), she's cracked wise about Clayface's appearance and Martian Manhunter's too! What a sassy little missy!

Stargirl escapes drowning because she remembers the memory she's trying been trying to forget that she wants to not forget to remember. It has something to do with finding something at her old house after meeting her first super villain.

Meow? Me-OW! Mrrrrrow? Pffft! Pffft! Me...ow? Puuuuurrrrrrr. Puuurrrrrrr! Me-me-me-MEOW!

Stop it! Knock it off! Get out of here, you stupid kittens! Nobody is fucking kittens in this commentary! That title was a joke! It was just showing how little I care about...you know what? No. I'm not explaining it to a bunch of imaginary, horny kittens! I have to mention how Despero flew off because he was satisfied that he had killed J'onn and Stargirl but then he came right back to stomp on J'onn again!

Martian Manhunter finally begins to realize that he and Stargirl are being manipulated by Despero. They probably escaped Firestorm and then had to be contained in some other illusory world, so Despero was brought in as a contractor for the Crime Syndicate. Or maybe The Crime Syndicate needs some information that Stargirl and Martian Manhunter have, so they were kept separate from Firestorm's Slash Fiction Matrix? But just knowing that he's being manipulated like a kitten, it doesn't help him beat Despero. I think he needs for Stargirl to forget about not remembering the thing she forgot so that she remembers to forget to not remember it.

How do you break the bone of a guy that can take the shape of anything? Like possibly the shape of a guy with no broken bones maybe?

Stargirl arrives to find J'onn smashed on the ground, dying. But he's dying slowly enough to tell Stargirl a fable about a Martian hero that sacrificed his life for no reason to save the lives of other Martians. Because he was pinned to a rock by an evil beast but the beast was pinned too. So he left it to die with him stuck to the rock. Although, being a Martian, I'm pretty sure he could have shapeshifted away from the tusks that had impaled him to the rock. Maybe they impaled his shapeshifting gland! There are too many holes in that story to be true! I think it's like the story of Jesus. It's just meant to make people buy into an institution that keeps the power and wealth in a few limited, manipulative hands.

J'onn sends Stargirl away so that he can die without her weeping and wailing over him. She heads to Los Angeles to find Firestorm as J'onn was hoping because he's probably beginning to realize that they're both inside some kind of simulation. Or something. It's either a simulation or it's a terrible story. Just like J'onn's stupid Martian parable about the warrior kid and the great evil beast.

Stargirl finally remembers the end of her memory and that's that her little brother was killed or kidnapped by the dark super villain that was her first nemesis. Maybe it was her little brother? Or maybe it was Sylvester Pemberton? It's hard to say since her memory isn't very clearly explicated. It's just kind of a mom saying "Your little brother" and her step-dad saying "It isn't your fault" and Courtney saying "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" But that makes as much sense as Courtney failing to stop Firestorm going nuclear while she distracts Despero for some reason leading to Evil being defeated. Perhaps it's because Stargirl believed she could save the day which caused Despero to believe she could save the day which distracted Despero's mind away from Martian Manhunter who is only pretending to die so that Despero will think he's dead and not stop Martian Manhunter from stopping Firestorm from exploding.

Unless it winds up being something else. I'm a Master Comic Book Reader of the North Wind and I'm confused!

Justice League of America #12 Rating: -2 Ranking. I don't really know what's going on here. I suppose I could be reading it as literally as it is presenting itself and believe Stargirl and J'onn actually did escape the Firestorm prison. Or maybe only Stargirl escaped and J'onn has merely been telepathically linked to her. Perhaps Despero was needed to keep Martian Manhunter trapped inside Firestorm. But now that Stargirl has distracted Despero, he will be able to free himself and the others from Firestorm. So Stargirl's journey is real but Martain Manhunter has been in her head the entire time. That's the most sense I can make of this comic book and that actually doesn't sound quite so bad as I've been making it out to be. But I'm still going to give it a -2 Ranking because this comic has probably been the weakest of all the Forever Evil tie-ins so far. It just feels like it's biding its time until the overall Narrative gets to a point where the JLA are needed to participate.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #5

Does it literally? That's a weird name to give your baby.

Superman, being the gigantic naive fuck-up that he is, managed to give Zod access to his Phantom Zone Extraction Device and Zod immediately used it to free Faora. Meanwhile the entire world is fixated on Superman and Wonder Woman's romantic life. Has the media given them a cute nickname like Bennifer yet? Like Superwoman? Or Wonder Man? Also, was Bennifer (Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez) the first time that the media began talking about Hollywood couples by merging their names? Which has now become a huge thing where people just merge the names of any two people that they ship? If so (and I'm not doing the research to know for sure if it's true), that means Kevin Smith began this sick and disturbing codependent way of talking about couples! I'm pretty sure he coined "Bennifer" when working with them on Jersey Girl.

Wouldn't it be weird to be Jennifer Garner and have to hear people referring to her and Ben as Bennifer when everybody knows who the Jennifer part of Bennifer really is?

Wonder Woman has finally gone back to visit her family since she wasn't visiting them over in her own title although she did manage to get back to visit in her own title last issue probably so Azzarello could beat Charles Soule to the punch.

Hera's a big jerk! She knew cursing the Amazons to become living phalluses would be the worst.

So far, I've been enjoying Soule's version of Wonder Woman as much as Azzarello's version. Geoff Johns' version over in Justice League is a real ballbreaker though! She just loves to pick fights, doesn't she? Not that Azzarello's version isn't wont to punch a sibling in the head now and then (was that enough negatives in that sentence?!). But she's mostly tended toward resolving conflicts with compassion and smooth talk. But still, we all lose our heads now and again when having to deal with family. Especially when your family are arrogant narcissists that think turning their in-laws into snakes is a bloody good joke.

The only real problem with this comic book is that Superman and Wonder Woman are dating. But if that's what's happening, and it provides some well-written stories by Charles Soule, I'll go with it. But they have to get naked together at some point. Enough of all this kissing in costume! Get to banging on-panel already!

Wonder Woman is visiting Themyscira to talk to herself out loud. Maybe Superman's super hearing can't penetrate Themyscira's magical defenses, so she can express her doubts without fear of Clark hearing and getting all pouty. Although she probably doesn't have to worry about him hearing her right now because he's a little bit busy fighting the creatures that Zod set free from Superman's menagerie.

Mirroring Zod and Faora's escape from The Phantom Zone which Superman guards in his Fortress of Solitude, Wonder Woman discovers that something has escaped from Tartarus, home of the monsters, the entrance of which lies in the middle of Paradise Island and guarded by the Amazons. Now they're probably both going to give Batman a call and ask for help. Or maybe Wonder Woman will call Batwoman since she's helped her capture an escapee from Tartarus before.

If you don't need a lecture then don't call Batman! Sheesh.

Wonder Woman doesn't call anybody because there's no cell reception on Themyscira anyway. Instead she finds the escaped creature herself, stabs it in the head, and tosses it back down into Tartarus. She then uses her Lasso of Truth to secure the doors to the underworld because I guess her Lasso would really come in useful if only she still had it on her later on in this story.

Wonder Woman easily takes care of her problem so Superman is probably mirroring her results and easily putting Zod and Faora back into the Phantom Zone, right?

Forget how powerful the eye lasers might be, the real brutality here is the kicking.

People often talk about how violent video games are but none of that really bothers me because they're just games. But I recently found what I feel is by far the most brutal moment in my history of video game playing so far and it involves kicking. Stomping, actually. Xbox Live just recently gave away Dead Island for free to Gold Members and I've played a bit of it. I know you're fighting zombies but the most brutal moment I've ever experienced (which, obviously, makes me laugh like a demented madman) is knocking a zombie to the ground and then just stomping the shit out of it until it dies. Playing alone, this is sadistic. But playing in multiplayer with two or three other people standing around helping to stomp the shit out of this zombie? It's practically perverse in its brutality. Sure, these are zombies and I guess they deserve to die because they're not like us and who cares that maybe their motivation for eating people's brains is because rising back up as a zombie hurts like a motherfucker and they're just trying to euthanize all of us poor living souls and keep us from their pain and torture. But they're also human figures in bikinis and shorts. So it really just feels like you're a psychopath let loose in some tourist trap in the South Pacific. It does send me into paroxysms of laughter due to the exaggerated violence of it all. Make of that what you will, Doctor Judgypants.

Oh yeah, look at that. No reception on Luddite Island.

Wonder Woman finds Superman and saves his ass because he's more journalist than warrior. Wonder Woman tells Zod that "He is mine!" (referencing Superman, of course!) in Kryptonian and Zod is impressed that she learned the language for him. Are you kidding? Of course she didn't! All she needed to learn was "He is mine!" And now the Moulin Rouge soundtrack is going to be stuck in my head for yet another week.

Of course.

Okay, so maybe Diana isn't using her compassion to win this battle. But then you don't fly into a fight with hugs and kisses when you've just gotten a desperate call from Cyborg telling you that Superman needs help NOW!

Oh! I almost forgot Wonder Woman's best portrayal so far in The New 52: her guest appearance in Batwoman! That bit where she puts Pegasus out of his misery is just beautiful and heart-wrenching. The great thing about Wonder Woman is not that she is compassionate and refutes violence. It's that she has a belief system in place that allows her to run the entire spectrum. She kills when it is absolutely needed or her only choice. But it shouldn't be her first choice. Geoff Johns' Wonder Woman in Justice League just seems bloodthirsty. Azzarello's version is much calmer and she spends far more time talking and having tea with her loved ones than she does murdering monsters. Charles Soule's version? It's really kind of hard to tell just five issues into it and concentrating on her "love" of Superman. I really can't wait until they break up and things get awk-ward!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #5 Rating: No change. I'm still waiting for Charles Soule to disappoint so I can pounce like a rabid dog and tear his throat out while ranting incoherently about his awful stylistic choices and his atrocious characterizations! I feel so much more comfortable when I can truly hate a comic book and its creative team.

She-Hulk #1

A third Marvel comic? Something's bound to break. I suppose it'll be my bank account and it'll happen when Ellis's Moon Knight and Soule's Inhuman comes out.

I suppose it's inevitable that a comic book fan eventually makes the switch between following loved characters to following the best writers. It's a sign of comic book readership maturity. When one is young and first finding their love of comic books, hating one of the Big Two while loving the other is merely a mode of survival. Perhaps you begin by picking up both a Spider-man and a Batman comic book. But eventually you realize these characters are part of a full world with its own history and cosmic events. While reading Spider-man, you may find you need to pick up a few issues of Avengers as he teams up with them. And then there might be a Secret War (or two. Or three. Or four) that you want (or need!) to experience in full. So you suddenly can't afford the Batman books you used to love and drop them in favor of more Marvel books. But something in a young person's mind doesn't allow for the sacrifice to be fully understood, so the child turns to hating DC and pointing out why it's not as good as Marvel. The economy of the situation does not make for good neighbors.

Yes, yes. I know. You were different! Blah blah blah. Whatever. I, too, never hated Marvel growing up. I just didn't read Marvel because I was pulled in by Crisis on Infinite Earths which caused an explosion of new titles in the DC Universe, plenty for me to pick and choose from and be satisfied with. Although it was Marvel that I remember reading first when my grandfather brought back a big box of Hulk and Nick Fury comic books from his jaunts to pick up newspapers for recycling. I had other comic books as well before Crisis: Disney, G.I. Joe, Masters of the Universe, Elfquest. But it wasn't until Crisis that I truly became a fan. So we're different, whatever. But we all know that the rift is there. We knew it even before the internet was a thing where you can't post about a DC character without some Marvel fan coming along and pointing out how the character is a shallow retooling of a Marvel character. Of course they never go deep enough to show how the older Marvel character was a clone of an older DC character who was a clone of an older Marvel character who was a clone of a...yeah, yeah. I could type that all day. Being that creators didn't own their characters, whenever one jumped ship from one of the Big Two to the Other, they'd just bring along the character they created but fancy it up a bit. And since the creators were jumping back and forth, why weren't the fans?

Well, some were. And when I say it's a bit of comic book readership maturity, I don't mean the reader has to mature over time. As I pointed out, none of you were ever jerks about the other company, right? Fucking deep soul searchers, you lot. Anyway, some maturity is reached whenever the reader realizes the characters are as fickle as the writer and artists behind them. There's no reason to keep reading Catwoman comic books as a fan of Catwoman when Ann Nocenti is writing her. Nocenti doesn't fucking get the character and she's not writing the character, so why follow that book just because it has Catwoman on the cover? That's the sign of a mature reader. Obviously you want Catwoman to be written well and want to love her even if she's hating on cats and refusing to steal jewelry anymore. But you move on and read something else while you wait for Ann Nocenti to be hit by a train. But the mature reader knows it's all about the writers. And so you follow writers. And, to the extent that you're more about the visuals than the writing (I know! Those fucking weirdos actually exist!), you follow artists. Hey, it's probably the only reason I picked up Steampunk even with its erratic schedule! Because I just fucking loved Bachalo's art.

I read comic books for a long time barely noticing who was writing or drawing them. It wasn't until some of my favorite characters were being written by the same people that I truly began to take notice. Seeing Giffen's name on Ambush Bug and Justice League. Alan Grant on Lobo and The Demon. Alan Moore on everything that was thought provoking. But during most of the nineties, I don't remember many writers going off from one of the Big Two to the Other. These were the Image years and the years of speculation and I just kept my head down and kept reading the DC titles that I really enjoyed. I began reading Cerebus somewhere in there. I think right around when the Phone Books began to be published. It wasn't until the late-nineties that a lot of my favorite writers were jumping ship to Marvel and I began picking up a lot of Marvel comic books.

Anyway, that was my long-winded and circuitous route to saying, "Right now, Charles Soule is a must read for me." I suppose I should pick up Thunderbolts as well. Fucking comic books. I may need a second job before long.

I don't think I've ever read a She-Hulk comic before so here goes my cherry.

She-Hulk, like her current writer, is an attorney in New York. And she's on her first adventure: end of the year review time!

It isn't going so well.

Being lawyers (lawyers that don't write comic books, that is!), She-Hulk's bosses are total jerks. They only hired her because she knows fat wallets like Tony Stark's wallet and Reed Richard's wallet and some guy named Danny Rand's wallet which might be Cropsey's wallet? I don't know! So She-Hulk Jen Walters quits because she wants her attorney abilities to be looked directly in the eye and not straight down the cleavage. Fuck them all!

That's one of my favorite phrases ever. "Fuck them all!" I wished I'd known it in Kindergarten so I could have screamed it as I flounced out of the room every time somebody used one of my crayons or ate my paste. Ate my paste is not a sexual euphemism, sicko perv fuck.

But before Jen quits and leaves for good, she destroys their $50,000 conference table by simply touching it with her index finger. I think this will probably result in a lawsuit!

Jen already finds a new job, lone gunman style!

The potential defendant of the potential lawsuit is Tony Stark.

By the way, what is all this Marvel Now! crap? Is Marvel numbering their comic books by the actual issue that's been out since the current volume of a title debuted and numbering by the story arc? If that's the case, I think that's a great idea so readers can easily identify jumping on points. Although I think the labeling of them with the gigantic #1 in the corner is a bit off putting and bordering on fraudulent! Now I'm a lawyer too! If it's not the case that that is what's going on with the numbering, then I don't have any other guesses. It's just weird.

She-Hulk has a brief meeting with a representative of Tony Stark, Legal.

She didn't say you were bad or good! You're just the worst! Legal is stupid.

The following battle scene between She-Hulk and her first foe, Legal, might be the most boring yet best battle scene ever! It also wasn't a battle and was a battle! It was neither bad nor good! Also nobody won or lost the battle because it was convened in a recess of summary judgment by the defendant's plaintive defense against the plaintiff's offense! In other words, it was a bunch of obfuscation by a bunch of lawyers doing that thing where the corporation they represent doesn't want to actually have a trial because fuck justice when you can just bankrupt the person you've already anally penetrated without their consent. That "without their consent" part is very important because anal penetration itself should not be viewed as a negative act. Not at all!

Jen does a little research and discovers some tape cassettes that contain the proof she needs to fuck Tony Stark in his ass without his consent! So she makes another trip to Stark Industries.

This fight tears up her clothes so we can see she wears purple underwear.

After beating up the robots with her fists, Jen beats up Tony Stark with her brain. I probably could have used "brawn" instead of "fists" in the first half of that sentence but too much symmetry and cliche in one's life makes one a dull boy. The part where she tells Tony what's going on in his life is really a nice moment which I'll leave to the people that actually purchased and/or torrented this book. The purple underwear must also be left to the imagination.

With her fee, Jen opens up her own little law firm. Yay!

Another winner by Charles Soule. This guy really knows how to write a well-paced comic book with snappy dialogue and interesting characters. Also any other positive review mumbo jumbo expressions that a reviewer would normally throw in. The art is cute and serviceable but neither good nor bad!

The Superior Foes of Spider-man #8

Why are these guys all so fucking short?

A friend loaned me The Superior Foes of Spider-man #1-7 and I read those without reviewing them because do I look like I have all the time in the world? It took long enough just to read those seven issues carefully! I didn't get any commentaries written yesterday which means I've disappointed nearly the entire internet. Except for the self-righteous assholes that don't think I'm funny. But fuck them, right? Totally. Right up the nose with a rubber ho's...well, I don't know. Dildo? Nobody ever finished that rhyme for me when I was a kid. Dicks. Why were people always hiding things from me? Why wouldn't my cousin Jerry tell me what a virgin was after we saw Clash of the Titans in the theater? And whenever I asked my sister what a period was, why did she keep saying the dot at the end of a sentence? Actually, I'm glad she didn't tell me that one. It would have just led to more and more questions that I probably wasn't ready to hear. What's menstruation? What's a vagina? Why would you tell a six year old something so horrifying?!

Not that menstruation is horrifying! I mean, it is but I don't want anybody thinking that I actually think that! I don't need angry messages pointing out that I'm a sexist pig! I already know that! Tell me something I don't know! Like what a virgin is! I've often been told that I'm one but nobody gives any specifics! It could mean right-handed for all I know!

Remember how I've often complained that there are not enough whimsical comic books? Make that number one less than not enough now because this comic book is pretty funny! It's got this guy Boomerang that is running a super villain crew called The Sinister Six but there are only five members in it! That's not laugh out loud funny but it is cerebral humor. You have to do math to get the joke but it's worth the effort once you finish counting on your fingers! He throws exploding boomerangs just like some guy in DC whose name I can't remember. He just recently changed his outfit and thank fucking Christ he did because that costume with the gigantic boomerangs for nipples was just awful. I'd forgotten that I knew who Boomerang was until I saw him in his old costume and thought, "Oh yeah! I have about eighty-five of his Heroclix! I even have the one that has his name Fred Myers on the base instead of Boomerang! Oh yeah, also his name is Fred Myers. That's pretty funny because you can find it at Freddy's. But only if you're on the West Coast and possibly the Northwest Coast! If you live anywhere else, you have to shop at Kroger's and I don't know if you can find it there."

I still have more to say about Boomerang! So he wants less people on The Sinister Six because then the cash they steal can be split less ways! So he later locks Shocker in the trunk of a car and pushes it into a river because Shocker knew too much! Shocker is a coward in a quilted yellow costume that has a power that I don't quite understand. He punches hard or something? Anyway, he saw Boomerang making a shady deal with Chameleon and Boomerang didn't think that was cool or funny, so he tried to kill him. It did not work and instead of dying, Shocker found the Head of Silvermane! That's a Legendary Artifact that allows the user to rule all of the gangs of New York. And since New York is the only city in the Marvel Universe, that's really powerful!

Also on the team are the other guys that I'll mention later because that's probably enough recap for now because remember that thing about not having all of the time? I have barely half the time left that I had when I was a born! So I need to get cracking! One last thing: Boomerang has recently betrayed his entire team so that he could make off with the actual prize he's been after for seven comic books: a painting worth thirty million dollars called "The True Face of Doom!" Or something.

See? Shocker has the head! The head is a dick!

Boomerang is currently getting his ass kicked by Chameleon's thugs because Boomerang was supposed to have this head. And the other members of the Sinister Six that were trying to steal the head (Speed Demon, Overdrive, and Beetle) are being rescued from the grip of Owl by Tombstone, Beetle's dad. These are a lot of Marvel characters that I don't know about. Boomerang is the only one I know and only because I have the stupid plastic figure of him!

Now everybody wants a piece of Boomerang because he owes everybody a piece of himself! Except for Shocker. Shocker doesn't want to find Boomerang and Boomerang doesn't owe him anything. Except maybe an apology for trying to kill him. But Shocker is the one with Silvermane's head, so he's actually the person everybody should be looking for. That should solve everybody's problems. And then they can forget the past and become The Sinister Six once again! Or not. It's not like this comic book is called The Sinister Six! Although it does have Spider-man in the title so I am kind of expecting Spider-man at some point.

Chameleon steals Boomerang's Portrait of Doom while Boomerang is sleeping off a few punches to the face. After Boomerang wakes up to find his score gone, he decides to go on a date with a bartender he met a few issues ago.

Forget that other score! This one is better!

But then he asks "Now what if I told you I was a super villain?" and the date promptly goes to hell. But only for a second! Fred's derailed train gets right back on the track ready to chug along into the tunnel territory.

You know the hottest show on PBS? Thomas and Friends! "They're six! They're three! They're one! They're four!" Or something. Whatever. All I know is they go in and out of tunnels all fucking day. That's a metaphor for sex! I know that's a metaphor for sex because another metaphor for sex is when you put your index finger into the hole formed by the index finger and thumb of your other hand. Unless that is sex. Is that sex? Have I been seeing sex all this time and not being turned on by it? No, no. It must be a metaphor because people always do it with their clothes still on. And I'm nearly positive that sex happens without your clothes on. Maybe with your socks on. But that's it!

The date ends with Philly Bartender Whose Name I Forgot If It's Even Been Mentioned At All In Any Issue So Far giving Boomerang advice on being the best super villain he can be! If she's going to date a criminal, he'd better at least be an ambitious criminal! They kiss and the issue ends with Bullseye on the roof across the way with Boomerang's head in his sights. Yeah, Owl wasn't very happy about his painting being stolen so he decided to call in a professional killer. And I don't think Bullseye ever misses! Boomerang had better hope Spider-Man is swinging by for some reason!

Earth 2 #20

Namor backwards is Roman. Aquawoman backwards is sexy.

Over on Earth 2, they've been having some problems. They're not real problems like I have. Like how my cat never finishes pooping and sprints away from the litter box flinging turds all over the house. Or how at the pet store I cleaned today, there were two of the cutest puppies I've ever seen in the back room and I couldn't pay attention to both of them at the same time. Also there were no kittens to be seen and that's a fucking problem, man. Even though I don't approve of pet stores selling dogs and cats! Everybody knows you're supposed to be against that so, of course, I am! I think I probably have some other problems too that are worse than horrible creatures from Apokolips destroying your world. But they have to do with middle age and feeling like my life has amounted to little but some sassy backtalk and how I don't have the emotional capacity to truly connect with anyone. I mean, those problems pale in comparison to trying to pet one widdle puppy on the nose and seeing the other puppy feeling hurt and abandoned and quickly having to pet him on the nose while the other one falls over in a fit of loneliness and despair. I'd like to see Replacement Batman solve that problem.

Speaking of Replacement Batman, if you haven't read Earth 2 Annual #2 yet (or the solicits for the upcoming Replacement Batman Action Figure), then you don't know he's actually Thomas Wayne, Bruce's dad. Now you know that if you didn't know that before and it's not a spoiler because that comic book came out two or three weeks ago. And it was already spoiled by then because everybody reads solicits! To be current, I really should be writing my commentaries on each issue five months before it actually comes out. But I can't do it because I'm really awful at time travel! So far, I've only mastered forward time travel and I can only do that in real time. But occasionally I'll go into a trance and suddenly find myself eight hours into the future! So I'm getting better at it!

Hawkwoman also returned to this comic book after having a little adventure of her own that was never resolved. I don't think I need to bother remembering what it was because if Tom Taylor ever revisits it, he'll probably have Hawkwoman explain it again.

Right now, Hawkwoman, Replacement Batman, Aquawoman, and Kym are headed back to the Batcave in Gotham City. I hope it's not overrun by dinosaurs! I also hope they find Big Barda and Scott Free.

Where was she keeping that shell? I don't see a fanny pack. Now I wish Aquaman's outfit contained a fanny pack! Or a bum bag if you're English and fanny pack is too vulgar for you.

Back at the Batcave, Replacement Batman finds The Accountant Jimmy Olsen, Red Tornado Lois Lane, Val-el the Kryptonian, Red Arrow Connor Hawke, and babbling incoherently Doctor Khalid Fate. This is Replacement Batman's army that must defeat Flip the Fuck Out Superman. I guess Green Lantern Alan Scott will eventually join up. As will, once they escape Bedlam and Beguile's clutches, Mister Terrific Michael Holt and The Flash Jay Garrick. Those are a lot of names to remember! And I did it all by myself! Fuck you, Lord Google! I must have been eating fish oil recently! Does Filet 'o Fish Oil count?

Ugh. I can't remember the last time I've had a Filet 'o Fish sandwich from McDonalds. It was probably well before I turned twelve. I used to love those things! And fish sticks. Do adults eat fish sticks? That seems like the kind of food only kids eat. Or, I suppose, parents that have young kids. I'm sure they have one or two when they've cooked them.

Meanwhile, Replacement Batman shows he doesn't know the definition of the word "sensitive."

On a practical level, an agoraphobic Kryptonian is obviously useless. But the main problem is that he can't ever power up with sunlight! I bet he's even afraid of skylights. Not that there are any left unsmashed in Gotham. Fucking Batman.

Meanwhile Flip the Fuck Out Superman is wasting time having his army destroy churches and cathedrals and mosques and temples and synagogues. He even has them destroy Scientology buildings! He might as well make sure they burn down McDonalds and movie theaters while they're at it. This is like the replicants in Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? exposing Wilbur Mercer as a fraud and believing that everybody will suddenly realize they've been had and no longer believe in empathy and Mercerism. Does Flip the Fuck Out Superman believe destroying places of worship will end worship? I get that he's big into symbolism but this is really just wasting time. A few people will probably be so offended that they'll let their neighbor's know, but that's about it.

I suppose if you're as stupid as Flip the Fuck Out Superman is, you'd believe that now the Earthlings will shrug and wonder, "Who do we worship now?!" And Flip the Fuck Out Superman will say, "Have you heard the good word? Darkseid lives!"

And back in the Batcave, Lois convinces Val-el that he needs to soak up some sun.

Aren't his parents dead from a disease contracted from tainted pirate treasure?

Earth 2 #20 Rating: +1 Ranking. Still no Alan Scott, Big Barda, or Mister Miracle. Or Fury! It seems a lot of characters have just disappeared since the change in writers. Although there are a fuckload of characters to follow in this book. It's like trying to fit each of the 52 New Earth titles into one book. Where is Commander Steel? What about the Red Lantern in the fire pit?! I think this book should be double length each month.

Earth 2 Annual #2

Yeah, revealed by the solicits and then by people that read the solicits to people that don't want to fucking know until they actually read the reveal in the story which is why they don't read any of the fucking solicits.

Fuck me. Here we go! Another annual. Let's make his quick. I have semen to eat and cookies to expel. Hmm. Strike that. Reverse it.

The issue begins in 1979 which is when Bruce Wayne lost his parents in that alley when he was a kid. And since everybody knows that story, I don't have to explain that I didn't mean he misplaced them. They were killed. Murdered. Shot right through their stupid faces. From that day on, Bruce swore to fight a never ending battle for truth, justice, and the American Way!

Fifteen years later, Batman finds himself standing next to the man that murdered his parents. The man is dead and in the Gotham Morgue but Batman is standing there on the phone with Alfred pointing out that he fucking knows what he fucking saw when he was a fucking kid, Alfred, so why don't you fucking get off his fucking back, hanh?! Batman doesn't know who killed Joe Chill or any of the previous victims linked to the Falcone Crime Family recently murdered in the same way. But pretty soon he'll probably discover it was his brother Thomas that had survived severe brain damage from a car accident when he was just a toddler and later flew into space with Deed Dichards and doused in Gamma Rays which caused him to have super strength which he would use to avenge all the wrongs ever perpetrated on the Wayne Family and eventually become Replacement Batman after his brother died in the war against Apokolips! Right. Are we done here?

Oh wait. That was Owlman's origin. Minus the Deed Dichard's space travel bullshit. Maybe I should read the comic to learn about Replacement Batman's actual origin.

Doesn't Alfred make everything sound that way? "Your tea, Sir."

Batman interrogates Frankie Falcone and finds out that his father Thomas once saved Frankie's life. He also discovers that the only connection Frankie is aware of between the murdered Falcone Crime Family members and Joe Chill is Thomas Wayne. Frankie goes on to mention that Thomas met Martha because of him. So far, it looks like Batman owes his very existence to Frankie Falcone! Unless he actually owes it to himself because I'm sure he's going to go back in time later to make sure that his father meets his mother as Bruce pretends to be Jim Morrison (Earth 2 version that fucked up his career by living past 1971) at the party where Tommy and Mary meet.

One corrupt thing led to another and Thomas eventually tried to distance himself from Frankie's crime syndicate. But Frankie didn't like that, so he had some boys beat the shit out of Thomas. But they got the shit beat out of them by Jarvis, Alfred's father, because the butler is always the most interesting character in a comic book. And since Jarvis stopped Wayne's beating, Frankie sent Joe Chill to deliver a different kind of message. And so Earth 2 Batman became a more stable super hero than New Earth Batman because his parents were killed in a conspiracy instead of a random event. Trust me, it makes it better somehow. Closure or something.

Also Batman learns that his father is still alive and killing he people that killed Martha. So getting to know his dad might have calmed him down some.

The Batman in Flashpoint was also Thomas Wayne, Bruce's father, so this is a nice bit of parallel to that world. I just hope that Earth 2 becomes as crazy as Flashpoint Earth! Although Injustice might be that comic book already. I wouldn't know since I haven't been reading that. But Replacement Batman shooting The Joker in the face makes a lot of sense now.

While New Earth Batman needed his parents' death to make sense, Earth 2 Batman reacts in the opposite way. He became what he became to stop random crime and senseless deaths. But his parents had an active role in what happened to them. They were paying for their crimes. Perhaps Bruce is simply depressed from a life of pain and trauma and can't deal with any version of his parents' death because they still were not in his life. Here is his father, not dead after all! Back in his life and Bruce is not happy because his father still abandoned him. And abandoning Bruce needlessly, with all the Wayne resources, is far worse than if his father had actually died. But the best part is how Thomas was getting his super strength!

Never mind all the emotional crap! Thomas stole Miraclo from Rex Mason! Hopefully that means Rex went on to become an adventuring archaeologist since his career as Sixty Minute Man was terminated by Thomas before it began.

And that's Thomas Wayne's story. After Batman's death, he became Replacement Batman to help save his soul. And maybe the world as a possible side effect. And that's the story he tells to Red Tornado and Hawkwoman because he wants them to trust him if they're going to work together. And the best way to earn somebody's trust is to tell them what kind of a prick you once were because then they know you'll tell them anything! Thomas still has to use Miraclo because he's a sixty-five year old Batman. But he's not worried about what anyone else thinks at this point. He just wants to feel better about himself and his past choices but he can't so he remains an addict that feels like he deserves to die save the world.

Is this Lex Luthor and Lana Lang with a baby of their own? Who will that turn out to be?

Earth 2 Annual #2 Rating: I think I'm being just the right amount of hyperbolic when I say I love the idea of sixty-five year old Thomas Wayne using Miraclo to be Replacement Batman on Earth 2. Also the fact that Rex Mason is out there somewhere. He'd be old too unless he became Metamorpho and stopped aging at some point. I hope he did!