Earth 2 #23

Was a satisfactory answer ever given as to why Red Tornado had a huge arrow pointing to his face? Did he get drunk at an android frat party? Does it say "Shit Here" on the other side of his head? And by "him", I'm referring to the original which Tornado Lane's look is based off of.

Tornado Lane isn't exactly a powerhouse hero, is she? No way is she going to defeat Flip the Fuck Out Superman in a physical match. I have a feeling there's going to be a lot of "try to remember me" and "I know, deep down, you still love me!" nonsense happening. At least, that's what I would expect in a regular book. But I think Tom Taylor has it in him to pull some wacky shit out of his writing pen.

Tornado Lane: "Superman! It's me, Lois! The greatest reporter the world has ever known! Also your wife!"
FtFO Superman: "WHAT?! Greatest reporter?! Clark Kent could report circles around the circles he was reporting around you!"
Tornado Lane: "Your pieces were nothing more than human interest stories! They were the bellybutton lint of real news! And your shitty opinion pieces were, frankly, shitty!"
FtFO Superman: "Without me, you'd only ever have written one article! And it would have been published posthumously!"
Tornado Lane: "KISS ME!"
FtFO Superman: "FUCK ME!"

Then Flip the Fuck Out Superman puts his dick in Tornado Lane's robotic asshole where her sphincter locks up and the kryptonite bomb stashed in her bowels blows them both into confetti.

I imagine this issue should play out something like that.

I imagine this is where Darkseid meows and then makes a cracking whip sound.

The parademon army nearby should have paid more attention to the message Darkseid was trying to convey because I don't think they would have shot Tornado Lane in the back if they realized how much power she had over Flip the Fuck Out Superman. As soon as Tornado Lane is harmed, Flip the Fuck Out Superman destroys about three thousand parademons with a single blast of heat vision.

Flip the Fuck Out Superman puts the war on hold for a bit so he can go somewhere private and "chat" with Tornado Lane. I put chat in quotation marks because it will probably just wind up being Tornado Lois screaming at Flip the Fuck Out Clark for acting like such a huge douche. They leave Val-el and Hawkcop to escape from three thousand more parademons.

And since Val-el is a pacifist, it doesn't look too good for Hawkcop's chances.

Don't worry! Queen Lantern comes along to save their asses. He says, "Who wants to live forever!" And then the parademons go, "We want to live forever!" And then Queen Lantern sings some other lyrics from that song or just goes right into Another One Bites the Dust. He really does remind me of Flash Gordon though!

Oh! Guess where Flip the Fuck Out Superman and Tornado Lane go to talk? A little farm in Smallville, Indianasksasowa! Flip the Fuck Out Clark wants Flip the Fuck Out Ma and Flip the Fuck Out Pa to see that Lois is still alive! Technically! Ma and Pa Kent seem to be dealing with their son's midlife crisis as well as any parents would. Or at least as well as the parents of that Lost in Space kid in that Twilight Zone episode. "What you done to the world, Clark? That's real good, Clark! Real good!" I bet Lana Lang is out in the fucking cornfield with Lex Luthor!

Meanwhile at the Replacement Batcave, the Not Quite the Justice Society are once again under attack.

If only Alfred were still around, he could have held it up at the front door.

Where is Alfred Pennyworth on Earth 2?! He must exist somewhere. I refuse to believe he's dead. I bet he was buried alive with Batman. But he was probably given a bunch of Batman's rebreathers so he can stay alive and dust the crypt every day.

Before the Not Quite the Justice Society can retreat through Sandman's portal to Themyscira, Red Speedy is bit in the neck by an Apokorat and goes down. Replacement Batman sets a self-destruct system (coded Azrael because Azrael blows) that counts down and blows up the Replacement Batcave after everybody escapes. Except Queen Lantern and Hawkcop don't choose to escape. They'd rather sit in the middle of a nuclear explosion than run away like chumps. I'm sure Queen Lantern kept them (and stupid Red Speedy) safe.

Earth 2 #23 Rating: +1 Ranking. I can't get enough of DC Comics when they're allowed to do whatever the fuck they want! Fuck having to make sure your comic book's continuity doesn't fuck up ten Batman comic books' continuities! I wish just about every comic book took place on a completely different Earth! That would be so much fun! DC should break away from one world tied together and just do more and more worlds! Crisis on Infinite Earths was the dumbest move the company ever made!

Earth 2 #22

Is this the part where one of the Parademons says, "Who wants to live forever anyway?" And then Flash Lantern spends ten minutes crashing a rocket ship into Ming the Merciless while a timer counts down from two and a half minutes?

I saw Flash Gordon in the theater when I was a kid and it was one of the greatest movies I'd ever seen in my life. Star Wars didn't have some guys eyeball pop out of his skull as he had a spike rammed through it! Obviously eight year old me was wrong. Or he was gay and had just discovered camp. Not summer camp which is also good for lots of unexpected gay stuff to happen; camp as in Xena or drag shows! Watching it later in life, it's obvious what's wrong with the movie. Everybody is playing it at the wrong speed! You need to ratchet up that entire movie until Gordon's Countdown until Earth is Destroyed at the end ticks down in real time. I don't know how you'd fit in or understand all of the dialogue. That's technical shit that can be fixed in post since they didn't fix it in post the first time and instead slowed the movie down to fit the speaking roles.

It's also possible that Queen did the music for the movie first, filling the songs with really long, drawn out synth solos which the director had to time the action to.

This issue begins at the moment that Flip the Fuck Out Superman nearly killed Queen Lantern. Since Alan Scott hasn't been around for a few issues, I guess we need to catch up on how not dead he's been.

Oh, excuse me. I guess I meant the opposite of that.

So Alan Scott actually has been dead for the last few issues. But his ring decides it would rather heal him than find a new bearer of the ring like a lazy New Earth ring would have done. New Earth Green Lantern rings can't heal death (unless Simon Baz is wearing it) but Alan Scott has a unique Green Lantern ring that's tied to the Earth and not to some cosmic fascist police corps. So the ring heals him but forgets to make him some clothes so readers get the pleasure of seeing are forced to stare at his naked ass.

Meanwhile, Flip the Fuck Out Superman throws Sloan around a bit for hiding information about another Kryptonian. While he slaps him around a bit, his suit tears, showing a bit of tattoo underneath. It probably says "Fair" on that arm and "Balanced" on the other. Sloan doesn't tell Flip the Fuck Out Superman anything because Bedlam already read his mind. He points out that the other Kryptonian has been kidnapped by a fool in a bat costume.

That's not the real Superman! The real Superman would never admit that Batman was a genuine threat.

Tornado Lane is busy helping Val-El get over his fears (his actual name is Val-Zod but fuck if I'm calling anybody by their actual name in this comic. It's Earth 2! They're all phonies!). She and Replacement Batman probably think curing him of his agoraphobia will be the greatest hurdle in getting him ready to battle Superman. But Tornado Lane learns he's also a pacifist. Fucking hell. This is the most useless Superman Substitute ever!

During the flying lessons, Hawkcop joins them just in time to battle Flip the Fuck Out Superman's parademon army. Flip the Fuck Out Superman decides to go straight for the kill, tackling Val-El into the ground. He's prepared to rip Val's face off when Tornado Lane approaches and reveals the entire reason her consciousness was shoved into this robot in the first place. She let's Clark know that she's Lois. And that her robot vagina is fantastic.

He's imagining how it swirls and sucks right about now.

Earth 2 #22 Rating: +2 Ranking. Not a whole lot is happening in this issue. But even with so many characters and stories to maintain, I'm glad Tom Taylor is not rushing the story. Earth 2 needs a greater share of The New 52 books because one book a month for an entire world with so many characters taking part just is not enough. Take the way this issue seemed like it was going to get Queen Lantern back in the action but we really just learned that Alan died and was reborn. He didn't even get his clothes back yet. Jay Garrick didn't even make an appearance! Which I'm glad for because I don't know what to call him. I also ignored Dr. Fate coming back because I don't know what to call him either. Suggestions are appreciated if you don't mind me making fun of them or saying that I had already thought of them when I steal your suggestion and claim it as my own.

Earth 2 #20

Namor backwards is Roman. Aquawoman backwards is sexy.

Over on Earth 2, they've been having some problems. They're not real problems like I have. Like how my cat never finishes pooping and sprints away from the litter box flinging turds all over the house. Or how at the pet store I cleaned today, there were two of the cutest puppies I've ever seen in the back room and I couldn't pay attention to both of them at the same time. Also there were no kittens to be seen and that's a fucking problem, man. Even though I don't approve of pet stores selling dogs and cats! Everybody knows you're supposed to be against that so, of course, I am! I think I probably have some other problems too that are worse than horrible creatures from Apokolips destroying your world. But they have to do with middle age and feeling like my life has amounted to little but some sassy backtalk and how I don't have the emotional capacity to truly connect with anyone. I mean, those problems pale in comparison to trying to pet one widdle puppy on the nose and seeing the other puppy feeling hurt and abandoned and quickly having to pet him on the nose while the other one falls over in a fit of loneliness and despair. I'd like to see Replacement Batman solve that problem.

Speaking of Replacement Batman, if you haven't read Earth 2 Annual #2 yet (or the solicits for the upcoming Replacement Batman Action Figure), then you don't know he's actually Thomas Wayne, Bruce's dad. Now you know that if you didn't know that before and it's not a spoiler because that comic book came out two or three weeks ago. And it was already spoiled by then because everybody reads solicits! To be current, I really should be writing my commentaries on each issue five months before it actually comes out. But I can't do it because I'm really awful at time travel! So far, I've only mastered forward time travel and I can only do that in real time. But occasionally I'll go into a trance and suddenly find myself eight hours into the future! So I'm getting better at it!

Hawkwoman also returned to this comic book after having a little adventure of her own that was never resolved. I don't think I need to bother remembering what it was because if Tom Taylor ever revisits it, he'll probably have Hawkwoman explain it again.

Right now, Hawkwoman, Replacement Batman, Aquawoman, and Kym are headed back to the Batcave in Gotham City. I hope it's not overrun by dinosaurs! I also hope they find Big Barda and Scott Free.

Where was she keeping that shell? I don't see a fanny pack. Now I wish Aquaman's outfit contained a fanny pack! Or a bum bag if you're English and fanny pack is too vulgar for you.

Back at the Batcave, Replacement Batman finds The Accountant Jimmy Olsen, Red Tornado Lois Lane, Val-el the Kryptonian, Red Arrow Connor Hawke, and babbling incoherently Doctor Khalid Fate. This is Replacement Batman's army that must defeat Flip the Fuck Out Superman. I guess Green Lantern Alan Scott will eventually join up. As will, once they escape Bedlam and Beguile's clutches, Mister Terrific Michael Holt and The Flash Jay Garrick. Those are a lot of names to remember! And I did it all by myself! Fuck you, Lord Google! I must have been eating fish oil recently! Does Filet 'o Fish Oil count?

Ugh. I can't remember the last time I've had a Filet 'o Fish sandwich from McDonalds. It was probably well before I turned twelve. I used to love those things! And fish sticks. Do adults eat fish sticks? That seems like the kind of food only kids eat. Or, I suppose, parents that have young kids. I'm sure they have one or two when they've cooked them.

Meanwhile, Replacement Batman shows he doesn't know the definition of the word "sensitive."

On a practical level, an agoraphobic Kryptonian is obviously useless. But the main problem is that he can't ever power up with sunlight! I bet he's even afraid of skylights. Not that there are any left unsmashed in Gotham. Fucking Batman.

Meanwhile Flip the Fuck Out Superman is wasting time having his army destroy churches and cathedrals and mosques and temples and synagogues. He even has them destroy Scientology buildings! He might as well make sure they burn down McDonalds and movie theaters while they're at it. This is like the replicants in Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? exposing Wilbur Mercer as a fraud and believing that everybody will suddenly realize they've been had and no longer believe in empathy and Mercerism. Does Flip the Fuck Out Superman believe destroying places of worship will end worship? I get that he's big into symbolism but this is really just wasting time. A few people will probably be so offended that they'll let their neighbor's know, but that's about it.

I suppose if you're as stupid as Flip the Fuck Out Superman is, you'd believe that now the Earthlings will shrug and wonder, "Who do we worship now?!" And Flip the Fuck Out Superman will say, "Have you heard the good word? Darkseid lives!"

And back in the Batcave, Lois convinces Val-el that he needs to soak up some sun.

Aren't his parents dead from a disease contracted from tainted pirate treasure?

Earth 2 #20 Rating: +1 Ranking. Still no Alan Scott, Big Barda, or Mister Miracle. Or Fury! It seems a lot of characters have just disappeared since the change in writers. Although there are a fuckload of characters to follow in this book. It's like trying to fit each of the 52 New Earth titles into one book. Where is Commander Steel? What about the Red Lantern in the fire pit?! I think this book should be double length each month.

Earth 2 Annual #2

Yeah, revealed by the solicits and then by people that read the solicits to people that don't want to fucking know until they actually read the reveal in the story which is why they don't read any of the fucking solicits.

Fuck me. Here we go! Another annual. Let's make his quick. I have semen to eat and cookies to expel. Hmm. Strike that. Reverse it.

The issue begins in 1979 which is when Bruce Wayne lost his parents in that alley when he was a kid. And since everybody knows that story, I don't have to explain that I didn't mean he misplaced them. They were killed. Murdered. Shot right through their stupid faces. From that day on, Bruce swore to fight a never ending battle for truth, justice, and the American Way!

Fifteen years later, Batman finds himself standing next to the man that murdered his parents. The man is dead and in the Gotham Morgue but Batman is standing there on the phone with Alfred pointing out that he fucking knows what he fucking saw when he was a fucking kid, Alfred, so why don't you fucking get off his fucking back, hanh?! Batman doesn't know who killed Joe Chill or any of the previous victims linked to the Falcone Crime Family recently murdered in the same way. But pretty soon he'll probably discover it was his brother Thomas that had survived severe brain damage from a car accident when he was just a toddler and later flew into space with Deed Dichards and doused in Gamma Rays which caused him to have super strength which he would use to avenge all the wrongs ever perpetrated on the Wayne Family and eventually become Replacement Batman after his brother died in the war against Apokolips! Right. Are we done here?

Oh wait. That was Owlman's origin. Minus the Deed Dichard's space travel bullshit. Maybe I should read the comic to learn about Replacement Batman's actual origin.

Doesn't Alfred make everything sound that way? "Your tea, Sir."

Batman interrogates Frankie Falcone and finds out that his father Thomas once saved Frankie's life. He also discovers that the only connection Frankie is aware of between the murdered Falcone Crime Family members and Joe Chill is Thomas Wayne. Frankie goes on to mention that Thomas met Martha because of him. So far, it looks like Batman owes his very existence to Frankie Falcone! Unless he actually owes it to himself because I'm sure he's going to go back in time later to make sure that his father meets his mother as Bruce pretends to be Jim Morrison (Earth 2 version that fucked up his career by living past 1971) at the party where Tommy and Mary meet.

One corrupt thing led to another and Thomas eventually tried to distance himself from Frankie's crime syndicate. But Frankie didn't like that, so he had some boys beat the shit out of Thomas. But they got the shit beat out of them by Jarvis, Alfred's father, because the butler is always the most interesting character in a comic book. And since Jarvis stopped Wayne's beating, Frankie sent Joe Chill to deliver a different kind of message. And so Earth 2 Batman became a more stable super hero than New Earth Batman because his parents were killed in a conspiracy instead of a random event. Trust me, it makes it better somehow. Closure or something.

Also Batman learns that his father is still alive and killing he people that killed Martha. So getting to know his dad might have calmed him down some.

The Batman in Flashpoint was also Thomas Wayne, Bruce's father, so this is a nice bit of parallel to that world. I just hope that Earth 2 becomes as crazy as Flashpoint Earth! Although Injustice might be that comic book already. I wouldn't know since I haven't been reading that. But Replacement Batman shooting The Joker in the face makes a lot of sense now.

While New Earth Batman needed his parents' death to make sense, Earth 2 Batman reacts in the opposite way. He became what he became to stop random crime and senseless deaths. But his parents had an active role in what happened to them. They were paying for their crimes. Perhaps Bruce is simply depressed from a life of pain and trauma and can't deal with any version of his parents' death because they still were not in his life. Here is his father, not dead after all! Back in his life and Bruce is not happy because his father still abandoned him. And abandoning Bruce needlessly, with all the Wayne resources, is far worse than if his father had actually died. But the best part is how Thomas was getting his super strength!

Never mind all the emotional crap! Thomas stole Miraclo from Rex Mason! Hopefully that means Rex went on to become an adventuring archaeologist since his career as Sixty Minute Man was terminated by Thomas before it began.

And that's Thomas Wayne's story. After Batman's death, he became Replacement Batman to help save his soul. And maybe the world as a possible side effect. And that's the story he tells to Red Tornado and Hawkwoman because he wants them to trust him if they're going to work together. And the best way to earn somebody's trust is to tell them what kind of a prick you once were because then they know you'll tell them anything! Thomas still has to use Miraclo because he's a sixty-five year old Batman. But he's not worried about what anyone else thinks at this point. He just wants to feel better about himself and his past choices but he can't so he remains an addict that feels like he deserves to die save the world.

Is this Lex Luthor and Lana Lang with a baby of their own? Who will that turn out to be?

Earth 2 Annual #2 Rating: I think I'm being just the right amount of hyperbolic when I say I love the idea of sixty-five year old Thomas Wayne using Miraclo to be Replacement Batman on Earth 2. Also the fact that Rex Mason is out there somewhere. He'd be old too unless he became Metamorpho and stopped aging at some point. I hope he did!