The Flash #16

I don't get it. What kind of pun is that?

Now that The Flash is pummeling monkeys all over Central City, isn't it time for PETA to step forward and begin protesting him for cruelty to animals? Maybe talking animals aren't covered by PETA's umbrella of empathy and/or political motivations. Perhaps they believe that an animal that can talk is an animal that can defend itself. I bet if you had to spend an hour listening to a cow talk about its day, you'd be dying to make it into burgers and shoes. I know if my cat could speak his mind in a way that I could understand every nuance of his rants and raves as opposed to simply meowing loudly, I'd hate his fucking guts.

"Hey Thumbs! Transform that can into food already! And my chin itches. Could you scratch my chin? Yeah! Yeah! That's it! That's it! FUCK YOU THAT'S ENOUGH! By the love of Bast, you don't know when to quit, do you? Is it time for more food now? Well, I hope to see more on the plate when I get back from the burying room." *leaves the room* "Hey Thumbs! You call this clean?! Have you been shitting in it too? Is it too much to fucking ask that you disappear my excrement more than once a day? Bast, you monkeys are filthy."

Although I think that's better than having to listen to a dog go on and on about all the crap he loves. "I love smells. I love food. I love outside. I hate squirrels. I love chasing squirrels. I love poop. Did I mention I love smells? I love you. I love when you pet me. I love when you take me for a walk. I love when you beat me. I love when you yell at me. I love smells." Shut up already!

And then you have the talking apes as seen in The Flash. "Well, la dee dah! Look at Mr. Hairless over there! Running the world! Too high and mighty to scratch his ass and sniff his fingers. At least in public, am I right?! Yeah, you and your fancy "language" and "clothing" and "technology." But you hear the words coming out of my mouth, right? Oh yeah. I can smell that you just pissed yourself a little bit because us monkeys are so physically superior to you humans that you know it's over now, don't you? Apes that can talk and carry weapons? Yeah. You guys are fucked. Get back in the ocean where you belong, you stupid water monkeys."

So nobody in Central City cares enough to save the talking apes because I just explained why! Plus they're all too busy being strapped into Gorilla Grodd's Illusion Machine to make Central City appear radioactive and destroyed, keeping other super heroes at bay. The Rogues are busy trying to save humans (including Daniel West!) by stuffing them all into Mirror Master's Mirror Dimension. And The Flash is busy reminiscing about how Iris West was always flirting with him simply to get police information out of him for her news stories.

And sometimes simply for personal information about her delinquent brother.

Barry is thinking about the past and Iris because he's currently comparing it to the present and Patty. Patty now knows he's The Flash and she supports his decisions even when they're completely stupid like giving himself up to Grodd. But The Flash has used his Speed Mind Power to see the future and everything but giving himself up ends in disaster. At least all the options The Flash can think of with his limited imagination! Which is three! So after he thinks up three scenarios and takes them to their disastrous conclusion, he gives up and goes off to surrender to Grodd.

Meanwhile in The Speed Force, the story is greatly appealing to average twelve year old boys!

And weird twelve year old girls. You know the kind? The best kind!

Iris West and her rag-tag group of Speed Force survivors are busy learning how to use Soviet Tanks and, very possibly, developing their own super powers.

The Flash, on the other hand, is busy trying to give up his powers to a psionic ape that ate his daddy's brain and wants everything now. I wish some shorter apes would begin singing a song about greed and power.

I think Grodd was expecting them to sing as well.

As Grodd tries to kill Flash and take his power, The Flash uses his powers to transport himself and Grodd into the Speed Force. From the Speed Force, they can time travel so maybe Grodd will end up traveling back into the past where he can fight Green Lantern and The Flash so that Green Lantern's dialogue in Justice League #2 makes sense!

Inside the Speed Force, Grodd begins to grow more and more powerful. But The Flash doesn't care because The Flash is the most powerful person inside the Speed Force. He's also not the only person in the Speed Force like he first thought.

What happened to all of the puns this issue?

While in the Speed Force, Turbine developed his spinning like a spaz powers. And now Grodd is powering up as well. And the Asian guy with Iris began to develop a power as well. Will Iris West develop a super power too? Be with us next time when "How the West Will Pun" or "Tanks for the Mammaries."

The Flash #16 Rating: +1 Ranking. Sixteen issues of fifty-two different titles...what more can I say? This comic is fun, looks good, and has a terrific narrative that remains consistent and coherent. This is the kind of thing I expect from comic books. I don't think of it as the star of The New 52 but it's a comic book that you can pick up and it won't disappoint. I truly hope the creative team of Manapul and Buccellato remains on this book for years to come. It's one of the few comic books in The New 52 that I can see easiy running hundreds of issues.

All Star Western #16

I bet part of Amadeus Arkham's obsession and insanity in later years is due to having once been poisoned by The Black Diamond.

A month has passed since last issue and, judging by the cover, I assume Amadeus is still in the loony bin but won't be for long. Jonah Hex has been recovering from his broken leg tended by a nurse in Arkham's mansion

The only time Hex wouldn't think his nurse was mean is if the nurse were actually a whore.

Jonah Hex has been stuck in his chair for a month listening to Amadeus's mother scream out her hallucinations night after night. With enough alcohol, I guess he found it tolerable. But now that the nurse won't let him drink and doesn't know how to make chigustie and won't jerk him off in the tub, Jonah has had enough of the madwoman. He brandishes his lucky Tomahawk and gets ready to end her suffering. Although Jonah Hex's nickname isn't Mad-dog, so I'm almost positive that he won't go through with it. Almost.

Well at least it looks like Hex found somebody that is willing to jerk him off in the tub.

So far this issue has been eight pages of Jonah Hex knocking about Arkham's mansion, dealing with boredom, sobriety, his nurse, and Amadeus's mother. It's eight pages I that imagine some people would read and wonder when the fuck they were going to get to the story or the Black Diamond or at least some fucking punching. But to me, this is what comic books should be! If only they still ran twenty-four pages, some writers might feel they could take a little more time with stories. To take a little more time to let the dialogue and the art show the reader what's in Hex's mind instead of filling a few pages with a bunch of Narration Boxes giving the reader the synopsis of Hex's current state of mind. And then to have the first appearance of Amadeus's mother and it isn't a disappointment! It's fantastic. The ancient woman sitting in front of her vanity. The vanity covered in old perfume bottles. The room filled with dolls and a cloying scent of dying roses. And her madness driving her to believe she is Jane Eyre (although, obviously, she's more like Bertha Mason) and the disfigured man that just entered, Edward Rochester, her love.
[[MORE]]
Perhaps the scene could have done with a little more subtlety (like, at the very least, Hex not blatantly looking at the copy of Jane Eyre), but I don't think I would have made the connection without Amadeus's mother rambling on as if she were Jane. But once she did, it's all so fitting. Except, of course, that she sees herself as Jane instead of Bertha. But that's part of what makes the scene so nice. She is crazy, after all.

But it has been eight pages now, so it's probably about time Amadeus interrupts all of this nicely paced drama and tries to kill Jonah Hex.

Lucky for me, a few more pages remain of Hex and Mrs. Arkham's newly budding relationship. Having "Edward" in the house has calmed her violent and disturbing hallucinations somewhat, so Hex has decided to play along so he doesn't have to listen to her scream all night.

Ah ha ha ha! The nurse calls Hex on his romantic bent!

That last speech bubble with the malformed font is the return of Mr. Hyde. He attempts to kill Jonah Hex but the nurse runs off and returns in time with his pistol. Hex fires a few shots into Mr. Hyde turning him back into Doctor Jekyll. Or whoever he is when he's not an abomination. This is a Reboot, after all! Maybe in the Reboot, the book this was based on was Dr. Scrimshaw and Mr. Hyde. Hex wants Doctor Jekyll to live, so he has the Nurse remove the bullets and save his life. Luckily this nurse is actually trained in more than just making Jello for old people.

The characters in this book are so nicely done that I keep having to scan in full pages instead of one or two panels because every moment of dialogue is worth reading.

I've never fucking heard of Venus in Furs so I should ask Lord Google about it. But it sounds like a conversation that could get perverse right quick. From the very quick and shallow reading I just did about the book, it sounds like the 1870s version of Fifty Shades of Grey. The Wikipedia entry quotes one line from the book:

"That woman, as nature has created her, and man at present is educating her, is man's enemy. She can only be his slave or his despot, but never his companion. This she can become only when she has the same rights as he and is his equal in education and work."

I disagree with that last line! Equality in work and education is actually the easy part! It's not until women are equal in the sexual realm that men and women can truly be companions. Until women stop being slut-shamed by other women. Until men stop believing they're nice guys so why won't that cunt touch their wiener. Until fathers can offer their daughter a pat on the back and a sip of beer for "scoring" on a date. Until responsible, casual sex by either gender can be done without it being seen as baggage or a mistake or having been used by the other party. Until women are no longer blamed for a man's inability to understand the definition of "consensual." These things (and many, many more) are the things keeping men and women from truly being companions. And I use the term "men and women" in a truly generic sense. Obviously many of us, no matter the definition of our own sexuality and gender, are at that companionable place. But it's not good enough until everybody has figured it the fuck out.

The story ends with Jonah Hex tossing Mr. Hyde's Black Diamond formula (still sealed within its bottle) into Gotham Bay where it more than likely washes up on the shores of Arkham Island in another hundred or so years.

And then the best "Next Month" page I've ever seen.

I am so fucking excited for this. Jenny Freedom!

I'm a bit sad that Jonah Hex and Amadeus Arkham will be going on hiatus for a bit but if they're going to be replaced by somebody, Jenny Freedom's Stormwatch team has got to be at the top of the list. Dr. Thirteen is obviously the scientist but I'm not sure about the other two. Could Vandal Savage pass as The Englishman? And when the Lawman is revealed, I'll probably have one of those, "Oh yeah! That guy!" moments. [Edit: Glancing through my old Who's Whos, I think the Lawman may end up being The Whip!]

The back-up story with Tomahawk was more of the same although it was a better read than the previous chapters. I guess it's worth it if it gets even a few people interested in picking up a historical novel on Tecumseh.

All Star Western #16 Rating: +1 Ranking. I just really like everything about this comic book. Okay, maybe the back-up story can usually use some work but it doesn't detract from the main story at all.

Krona! (as seen, as a corpse, in Red Lanterns)

Part 13 of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: None
Occupation: Former scientist, now Would-Be Conqueror
Marital Status: Single
Known Relatives: None
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: Nekron's Dimension
First Appearance: GREEN LANTERN #40
Height: 6'8" [I didn't realize Oans could get so tall! I suspect Krona was a chronic masturbator.] Weight: 349 lbs.
Eyes: Blue Hair: Black

HISTORY
"About ten billion years ago Krona, a member of the race of immortals living on the planet Oa, devised a machine with which he planned to se back through time to the beginning of all things. Krona was acting in defiance of an ancient legend that warned that if the Oans ever discovered the true origin of the cosmos, both the Oans and the universe would be destroyed [Oh shit! He's going to defy an ancient legend!? Krona is one crazy motherfucker! He probably pumps his gas without checking for needles in the gas nozzle handle or carelessly flashes his lights when he sees a car driving without their headlights on. Somebody put a stop to this crazy motherfucker!]. Despite pleas and urgings to desist [By annoying, superstitious bastards.], Krona worked until his invention revealed the image of a shadow shaped like a giant hand holding a cluster of stars [Could also have been a penis.]. At that instant a bolt of cosmic lightning [Possibly male ejaculate.] destroyed the machine, and would have killed Krona had he not been virtually indestructible [Also, immortal. It's always good to be indestructible when you're also immortal. Nobody needs to live forever as an immortal pasty goo after accidentally being pushed by a man in a batsuit into a giant vat of chemicals.].

Krona's act had several effects. It released an evil force through the universe, causing hatred and violence [So he invented religion?]. (This was not, however, the actual origin of evil, which has existed since the first sentient beings evolved [That makes sense. As soon as somebody could judge someone else's actions with their selfish, subjective perceptions, they started saying that people doing things they disagreed with were "evil." So it's not that evil suddenly existed. It's just that sentient creatures can be narcissistic fucking assholes.].) It somehow triggered the creation of an other-dimensional anti-matter universe [In anti-matter universe, penis masturbates you! Sorry. Fucking Yakov Smirnoff.]. It also caused Krona's own universe to replicate itself an unknown number of times [Like sands in the hourglass! Or seeds in the Kleenex!]. Thus the single universe became a multiverse, a collection of parallel universes. Only eons later would the multiverse be reduced to a single universe again during the so-called crisis on infinite earths.

The Oans punished Krona by reducing his form to disembodied energy doomed to travel harmlessly through the multiverse forever [Oh, so the technology to fuck someone's shit up forever is okay but taking a peek into the past is forbidden? Why are the Oans still alive? Hey DC! You want a really good reboot to your universe? Erase the Oans' existence completely!]. Then, to atone for Krona's crime, the Oans vowed to create a force for good. Eventually the Oans became known as the Guardians of the Universe [and the biggest assholes in the universe.], founders of the Green Lantern Corps (see individual listings).

In recent years Krona used the mystic power ring energy of Green Lantern Alan Scott (see Green Lantern I) to make possible his return to his original form [That makes so much sense! Since Krona learned of the creation of the universe through a God's act of masturbation, and since Krona retained his strong, Oan physical form due to eon long bouts of masturbation himself, he had to utilize the only Green Lantern Ring that could not protect against six hour erections.]. Krona again attempted to probe the universe's origin [Hee hee hee!] but was halted by Scott [who, at the time, was totally against ass-play.] and by Green Lantern Hal Jordan (see Green Lantern II). The Guardians again turned Krona into energy and exiled him into the void [Because that worked out so well the first time. See? They've been insane from the beginning.].

Eventually Krona entered the dimension ruled by Nekron (see Nekron), where many souls of the dead pass on their way to their final destination [Topeka?]. Nekron restored Krona to his original form and increased his powers, and then sent him and an army of the dead to destroy the Guardians' universe [So Blackest Night happened twenty years before Geoff Johns wrote it?]. Jordan, the Green Lantern Corps, and the Guardians defeated Krona, Nekron, and their army. When last seen, Krona had retreated into Nekron's dimension, vowing vengeance [A-ha! So his vengeance, if you follow the path of causality, eventually led to The New 52. Is that why Atrocitus kept his corpse on hand to angrily molest on a nightly basis?].

POWERS & WEAPONS
As an Oan, Krona is virtually immortal and invulnerable and possesses vast psionic powers. Nekron has at least temporarily increased Krona's powers, making him more powerful than any one of the Guardians.

For Christmas 2011, I bought my girlfriend the Deadwood Choose Your Own Adventure Book and updated the Warning page.

Teen Titans #16

Pretty sure this is also his first laugh as well.

Someday I'd like to meet Scott Lobdell and have a beer with him. On that day, I'd apologize to him. I'd apologize for the fact that I was never, ever going to stop pointing out how badly he writes comic books. Of course there is a flip side to this promise! I also promise to never stop pointing out how well he writes comic books. Except that part has yet to happen so it seems like I'm completely biased against him. Now he has written a few good scenes but one or two scenes doesn't constitute a comic book. I have a feeling Scott likes the idea of writing comic books more than he likes the act of writing. He probably likes coming up with characters and possible conflicts but then he doesn't like having to write them in an interesting and believable way (I use believable in a very loose sense since I am talking about comic books here). Instead he writes a bunch of omniscient characters who seem to know how everything will turn out. But maybe this issue will be different!

If this issue doesn't begin with Character X saying, "My name is Character X!", I will comment on the comic book as if it's the best thing I've ever read. I know that's more of a Tom DeFalco thing but with Lobdell plotting and Nicieza doing dialogue, I have a feeling he might come through for me here.

Nooo! Goddammit! This is going to be the hardest commentary I've ever written!

This is a really fantastic opening scene. Red Robin was conscious last we saw him in Teen Titans but The Joker always poisons everybody so it was just a matter of time before the drugs kicked in and he fell unconscious. That's probably when Red Hood dropped into the pit. And then in Red Hood and the Outlaws #16, we saw the Joker put drugs on the inside of the Red Hood mask he put on Jason Todd. So that's why Jason Todd is now lying motionless next to Red Robin probably Narration Boxing away as well except we don't get to see what he's thinking right now because this isn't his stupid comic book. But what's really fantastic about this scene is how smart it shows Tim Drake is. Just in case somebody is nearby reading his mind, he adds Bruce Wayne to the list of people that The Joker is trying to break to punish Batman. Although why would Batman care about Alfred? I guess he probably likes the way he makes Batman's tea when Batman comes to visit Bruce at Wayne Manor to discuss money.

I wonder if by the next page, Jason Todd will be back on his feet and feeling groovy since he's immune to all kinds of paralytics thanks to the All Caste! And since Scott Lobdell wrote that comic, he'll remember that point and use it to his advantage!

The next couple of pages are thankfully filled with Narration Boxes to help the reader understand the character's motivations and to help the reader understand the art that he's looking at. It's good to know that Tim Drake wouldn't want anybody else at his side when confronting The Joker or this box that makes me tear up just thinking about it:

I know that Jason Todd was dead before Tim Drake ever even approached Batman to be the next Robin so it's nice to know that they became close after Jason Todd came back from the dead. This is a really heartfelt moment.

Well, maybe the few times they did talk, they really, really bonded!

The Joker comes in and tells some hilarious jokes to the unconscious heroes although some of them must have been too smart for me because I didn't quite understand them. Some of the words he uses were too complicated for me as well, like "lonliness." But I could tell it was probably The Joker's best material in the entire Death of the Family run because The Joker was really cracking himself up.

Red Hood still wasn't moving but he must have kicked the toxin and was just waiting for his chance to strike. I'm certain Lobdell couldn't have forgotten what he wrote in Red Hood and the Outlaws #15 since I hadn't forgotten it and I didn't write it at all. Scott Lobdell is always so consistent in the way he approaches causality!

But The Joker doesn't have time to wait for Red Hood to ambush him so he dumps a bunch of water on them and that shocks them out of the effects of the drugs! Boy, that's good to know that's a thing so the next time I throw one of my heroin-and-cocaine-fueled get-togethers, I'll keep some buckets of water ready to splash on anybody that overdoses.

Pre-Harvest Tim Drake always has a plan! Yes, there is enough ambiguity in Legion Lost #16's reveal that one one-millionth of Captain Atom is actually Harvest for me to continue to believe it's Tim Drake, dammit!

After waking them up, The Joker reveals his big surprise! He has two men with potato sacks on their heads tied up in the room with the Reds! And they have signs around their necks that make the Reds believe that these are their fathers! Oh no! Would Red Hood even care about this? I was actually hoping for Jason Todd's little brother in Joker make-up. Yes, another thing I believe that doesn't have any supporting evidence is that The Joker took Jason Todd's mother's unborn baby (now borned by The Joker!) before he killed her and raised it himself. Because Jason Todd's mother was either pregnant or fat just before she overdosed and since she was skinny when Jason Todd found her dead, it must have been a baby. Or really bad gas.

Meanwhile the Titans and Outlaws are trying to figure out what they should do next when Scott Lobdell treats us to one of his perfectly timed and tension filled single-panel foreshadows!

What makes you think he's interested in the Titans, Solstice? It's you he turned human for a few seconds so he could ogle you naked.

The page after this is a Kurt Lance plot point page! And it turns out he is interested in the entire team because Waller is interested in the entire team. Why does DC have such a boner for Amanda Waller? They won't be happy until she's running every fucking group in the DCnU. But before Kurt can finish his thought about how they could make the Teen Titans useful, he's attacked by a corpse!

Does everybody in The New 52 have a resurrection machine? Do they all have their own Samsara Projects? Because Harley Quinn killed Grey Lora and she killed Grey Lora in events that happened before Death of the Family. Which means Basilisk can resurrect people. Which means Regulus is far from dead.

I don't know who blasted Kurt Lance into unconsciousness but it was probably Regulus.

The page after Kurt Lance is felled is about Trigon and Raven. That's smart! Scott Lobdell knows that this issue is all about getting Red Hood and Red Robin to The Joker's Batman party and he doesn't need a lot of space to do that. So instead of filling pages with The Joker telling mean-spirited yet hilarious jokes, Scott Lobdell takes the time to hint at a bunch of future plots. One of which is Trigon sending Raven to Earth, probably to fulfill a plan that's already totally planned and pretty much going to come to pass no matter what anybody does because Trigon's already thought through all of the possibilities and taken necessary precautions against failure.

Wow. Raven's new costume is awful...ly amazing! Wow! The feathers blocking her features are just an insipid feature! I mean inspired! Stupid auto correct!

Back to the Reds, The Joker makes them fight each other to the death. Whichever one lives gets to keep his father. While Tim Drake is busy telling the Joker they aren't going to fight each other, Jason Todd is busy trying to fill Tim Drake full of bullets. While fighting, Red Robin figures out how to beat the Joker. He breaks the window the Joker is watching them through with his Inertron wings and yells, "Hood--now!!" Jason Todd picks up his gun and blows The Joker away.

And that's the end of The Death of the Family!

No, no! Of course it isn't! Scott Snyder has one more issue to show how The Joker didn't know everybody's secret identity even though it's really hard to believe he didn't know after some of these Death of the Family spin-off stories. The Joker obviously knew Red Robin and Red Hood would come up with this plan and he knew exactly when they would do it too! So at the last moment, he switched his body with a body full of knock out gas (the special kind that the All Caste didn't teach Jason Todd to be immune to) and he catches the former Robins with their mouths open. They fall unconscious and he drags them off to the party in the Batcave. Since it really looks like the party is in the Batcave, I guess the Joker knows some secrets!

This issue ends not with The Joker holding one covered serving tray but two. So has there been a serving tray for every member of the Bat-family? I was simply assuming there was only one. That kind of changes up what could be under each one. My guess is cupcakes.

The Teen Titans #16 Rating: +One Million Rankings! Fantastic. Great job. Kudos. I can't wait until the next issue when I haven't lost a bet with myself!

An Interlude with Grunion Guy

THE SPOOKY CASES!
Episode One: "Ore-Gone Gone Wild!"
By Grunion Guy

Journal Entry, Today, 4:21 AM: My name is Super Special Agent Agent Dully. I think I made my boss mad and since I am FBI and my boss is the president and I'm working in a basement with a weirdo guy who works on weirdo cases even though he's super hot and could probably be the president of the president even if he wasn't so hung up on some childhood secrets he has that I'll probably learn about in a future episode. Today was my first day on the job and it would probably be a lot more exciting if I told you about it in a flashback instead of in my cute little girl journal.

Flashback, Today (or yesterday, I guess, since 4:21 AM is tomorrow), 8:33 AM: It was today and Super Special Agent Agent Dully entered the FBI sub-basement to meet with her new partner, Kit Kat Mulberry.

"Hello, Special Agent Kit Kat Mulberry," yelled Agent Dully.

"Oh my! You caught me looking at my pornography!" shouted Agent Mulberry as he threw a pencil into the ceiling and put his porn down on the giant stack of porn that was next to the other giant stacks of porn. "I mean, I was doing research," corrected Agent Mulberry who was not at all embarrassed by his lack of socialization and his awkward way with other people that made him indulge in porn and prostitutes and spooky mysteries.

"Mmm-hmm," bored Dully.

"Well, I know you are here to spy on me because I am very intuitive unlike you which is weird because I am the man and you are logickal like a man but you are a woman. Also, I am the emotional one too," reverse-cliched Agent Mulberry just to let everyone know where they all stood. "I don't believe you," contradicted Agent Dully as she crossed her arms and stared at him like he was a little kid who was full of lies even though he was the only person full of truths.

"Well, you'll soon see since I just got this crazy Spooky Case faxed to me on this out-dated technology that is really funny to see. Also, look at my giant cel-phone and my pager too!" Agent Mulberry spoke the truth even when it was embarrassing.

"That is neat but it is no match for my wicked bobbed hair and horrible shoulder pads. But that is beside the point since we have a Spooky Case to solve which I'm sure can be solved in a most rational and amazing way in which I ignore all of the weirdness with logickal logick babble and I also will probably trip and fall or be distracted at the end of the case and miss the Spooky part which you will see and make you want to believe the truth even more," remembered Agent Dully.

"Anyway, the case is in Ore-Gone," mispronounced Agent Mulberry. "I am sure it involves aliens somehow! It will probably involve a lot of weird lights also since our FBI special effects budget was cut when we were sent to work in the sub-basement (which I should clarify isn't the basement of a submarine but a basement of a basement. Unless I'm wrong)," nodded Agent Mulberry effectively and ensured that lots of women would love this show because he's so gorgeous. He also ate a sunflower seed.

"Well, we should get going since we only have until 4:21 AM until I begin writing my report on you, I mean, on our Spooky Case." Agent Dully had let the bat out of the cab.

"Aha! I knew you were here to spy on me so that you could get enough proof to shut down the Spooky Cases since I'm positive the government which I work for doesn't want me working for them but they keep paying me for some reason which I'm sure someone will explain in a later episode when they realize this set-up is kind of shallow and lame. Especially since I'm working on cases that could ruin all of their careers which is why they keep them in the sub-basement instead of burning them for some reason," pondered Kit Kat very effectively.

So Agent and Kit Kat caught their plane out to Ore-Gone and an hour later were in a small town by a forest because Ore-Gone only has small towns surrounded by forests.

"We don't take very kindly to your kind," drawled the Sheriff and the Autopsy Doctor. "Jinx!" said the Sheriff and the Autopsy Doctor kicked the dirt and said, "Aww, shucks! Not again!"

"Did you see that?" considered Kit Kat. "I think there are aliens here!"

"You got that from the way they said the same thing at the same time!" Agent Dully was amazed and she also added, "Aliens aren't real, Kit Kat."

"No, Dully! Three graves are missing the kids who were killed in the forest mysteriously and were replaced by alien corpses but those are gone too now!" revealed Kit Kat because he was good at seeing things and also he had read the Spooky Cases report while on the plane. "I didn't mention that stuff to you so I could know more than you and seem smarter while you just appear negative and belittling."

"Oh, that makes sense. Perhaps we should investigate the forest where the kids disappeared since I'm sure it wasn't aliens and also the bodies in the coffins were just monkeys, I'm sure of it," exhumed Agent Agent Dully.

"I'm sure you're right, Dully," patronized Kit Kat since he knew there was more going on then that but he was tired of talking to people who weren't weird and capable of believing the stupidest, most unplausible things ever.

"Before going to the forest, perhaps we should interview some crazy kids who knew the dead kids before they were crazy and they were dead," FBI'd Dully like a good Agent. Not a good woman named Agent but a good Super Special Agent of the FBI. Although she was also a good woman and hot too.

So Dully and Mulberry headed off to the loony bin and spoke to some kids who would be important later because the kid in the coma is the culprit. But they didn't know that then so they just went back to the forest where the Sheriff yelled at them.

"Get out of our area!" protected the Sheriff as he waved his shotgun in the face of two FBI Agents. "You shouldn't be here even if you are investigating a case! It's our priority or some other word that means you shouldn't be here because it is a case for local police only and not Super Special Agents!" rationalized the Sheriff as he crazily waved his gun around.

"Come on, Mulberry, we should go," panicked Dully who didn't want to be shot in the face with a shotgun even though it would be really unlikely that one law enforcement person would do that to another one just because he was hiding the fact that a comatose boy was kidnapping other kids and taking them to a forest to be abducted by aliens.

While they were in the forest investigating, all of their things were burned up in a mysterious hotel fire set by the Autopsy Doctor. His daughter would rat him out later so that the fire wouldn't be a mystery and so that Kit Kat wouldn't keep thinking aliens were arsonists too. Also, the kid in the coma was the Sheriff's son.

And then a strange light came down from the sky and took away the comatose kid who somehow found his way to the forest with the Autopsy Doctor's daughter and Mulberry saw it happen but Dully didn't because she was rubbing her neck where the Sheriff had hit her with the butt of his shotgun.
"I knew it! Aliens!" Mulberry shot his fist in the air. The Sheriff shot at his own son. But luckily Mulberry made the shotgun point in the air (but not at the aliens, I guess) and the Sheriff didn't kill his own son in shame and fear that his son was a monster killing kids. But Mulberry knew there was more to the story, like Frankenstein, so he saved the coma boy.

"What happened, Mulberry?" perplexed Dully as she walked up just in time to miss the amazing lights and the coma boy returning from wherever he had suddenly gone with the girl who did the same thing.

"Aliens, Dully! It was aliens!" triumphed Mulberry.

"I can't write that in my report. I'm just going to say it was wild bears," decided Dully.

"Oh, you'll learn one day, my skeptickal new friend who I will probably learn to trust one day even though my motto is to not trust anybody," nodded Mulberry knowingly.

"Yeah? Well, not today. This case was not Spooky at all but Silly with a logickal explanation, as you will see in my report that will end the episode," retaliated Dully.

Journal Entry, Some Time After The First Journal Entry: So, we went to Ore-gone and found out that kids were being killed by wild bears. And the strange lights were probably explainable because kids love to have raves in the woods. Raves are things that were really popular that had lights and musick and drugs. And the kids bodies that seemed to be alien bodies were just because the bears mauled them so bad and also because the kids were on drugs and we all know what happens to people on drugs! So, it wasn't aliens and Weirdo Mulberry (which is his nickname that I forgot to talk about) was completely wrong and I don't know why I'm being punished and being forced to work in the Sub-Basement with a pervert who has sister issues (which we'll learn about later, probably) and can't relate to anybody and eats sunflower seeds obsessively and believes anything anyone ever tells him unless it is logickal and rational and then it must be a lie. So, well, whatever, at least I'm getting paid. Until next week! Dully Out!

The End of Episode #1

The Fury of Firestorm #16

I think I saw this as an anime during the after hour movie showings in the movie room at Anime Expo in the mid-nineties.

Fury of Firestorm was ranked at 160 in sales in December 2012. That means comic book fans enjoy subtle homosexual high school romance a little bit less than vampires and a little bit better than high school boys with parasites stuck in space. In other words, Firestorm should probably have been canceled by now. Apparently somebody at DC is optimistic things will be turning around for Firestorm.

Glancing at all of DC's sales numbers for December 2012, it looks like DC is going to have to start canceling two or three titles a month and replacing them with Batfamily titles if they want to get their sales numbers up! I can't believe fucking Demon Knights is barely selling. You people are illiterate heathens! Maybe DC should come out with a Demon Knight Kids cartoon. Cartoons are about the only thing that seems to boost sales on DC Comics. Other than Batman, of course.

And the non-Justice League International Batman (believe me! There's a difference!) has yet to guest star in Firestorm, so sales remain low! I just think not enough people realize that this book is homoerotic teen drama. If they knew, sales would be through the roof because it's terrific!

Last issue, Firestorm had dropped into the ocean and was about to drown because disembodied head Jason Rusch can't take control of Ronnie Raymond's body when he's knocked unconscious. But he can telepathically scream at him until he wakes up.

How come Jason's head isn't upside down when Firestorm is upside down? What would happen to Firestorm if the flame on his head was put out? This is Part Four of an ongoing storyline?!

In the lists of abilities that super heroes have, they'll sometimes mention if a character can survive underwater or in the vacuum of space because they don't need to breathe. But they never list if a person can speak and be understood while in space or underwater. That power just seems to be assumed. I think "not needing to breathe" automatically means they can "be heard underwater or in space." The above page doesn't mean Firestorm has that power since he might actually be saying "Glub glub glubble glub" but Jason hears his thoughts so he understands.

Firestorm spends a few minutes looking for Captain Atom until Ronnie remembers he has to be home in time for the big Homecoming game. That's when the scientists at the Continuum remind me that their Gaydar System, Dataxen, is currently tracking Firestorm. Dataxen is the thread linking the last four comic books together into a semi-cohesive plotline.

Can spending five minutes unconscious really be considered a coma? Perhaps it was a Power Coma.

Later at the big game, Ronnie's team is down by five with seventeen seconds left to play! Will he be the big hero? Or will another super villain attack everyone on the football field again? Will Jason even be able to pay attention while reading news stories on his phone about Firestorm being blamed for the theft at S.T.A.R. Labs? Will Ronnie's mom get lucky with Jason's dad two rows back?

"I can't watch! I'm just going to bury my head in your lap and bury your cock in my glub glub glubble glub!"

Quarterback Ronnie begins calling the play that could win them the Homecoming Game and all the high school glory! But a gigantic flying robot suddenly appears in the sky. Thankfully only Ronnie and Jason notice it or panic might ensue.

Dataxen would probably attack if he wasn't so confused by all the pings his Gaydar is picking up on the field.

Ronnie throws the winning pass but before a single teammate can pat him on the butt, Jason shuts down the lights in the stadium and runs on the field to celebrate by merging with Ronnie. They explode into the sky as Firestorm and celebrate by stuffing themselves into Dataxen's chest cavity. It's all part of Jason's plan to Trojan Horse the Continuum.

Did that last paragraph turn you on too? If so, here's a little more tantalizing innuendo.

You can tell Jason has talked someone through this before.

Once Dataxen enters the Continuum's deepest chamber, Firestorm explodes out of it to take down "the mooks" in control. But first they'll have to engage in a rematch against Relay, Skull Crusher, and the other one. The dark guy in the cape. El Voido or something. During the battle, Dr. Megala wakes up completely and falls in love.

What the fuck is Firestorm talking about?

Before the fight began, Firestorm turned the concrete in the ceiling into something mushy and unstable (maybe it was cereal which is why he needs milk?). The whole place has started to collapse and the entire Continuum is about to explode. So Firestorm ends up having to save everyone in the complex by transporting them out on a giant disk. It's amazing how ineffective the Continuum's super people are. Although it's quite refreshing to see a super hero that doesn't have trouble against a handful of super villains that shouldn't be trouble for him anyway.

In the midst of the rescue, the super smart scientists make a crazy observation.

That's quite the brazen conclusion from a single statement from an old man. I'm forty and I say the same exact fucking thing when I wake up sometimes! And that's after not having been in a five minute long coma.

Does this mean Dr. Megala has forgotten everything about J.T. Krul's run on Captain Atom? Lucky!

In the aftermath, General Eiling arrests everybody in the Continuum on vague charges of terrorism and being smarter than him. Or else he's just detaining them for questioning because he seems to think (wait for the big shock) Firestorm is a big jerk! And he's going to teach him a lesson if it's the last thing he does! Because how dare anybody have more power than the U.S. Military! Power like that cannot be trusted unless it's being controlled by America's corporate interests.

Elsewhere, Red Robin has taken an interest in finding out if Firestorm is a bad guy or not. Yeah because battling a flying nuclear reactor is exactly the threat level that a super smart mortal boy should be tackling. One of his reasons for investigating Firestorm is that the explosion on the aircraft carrier was "connected to the fact that [Firestorm] destroyed a test missile launched by Qurac." Oh yeah. Blame the guy stopping Qurac from causing more trouble! Of course all the things Red Robin is judging Firestorm by are things done while Dr. Megala was controlling him. He doesn't know that yet. But he also doesn't know the thing that's probably the driving force behind The Teen Titans investigating Firestorm: Firestorm is composed of two teenagers in love! I hope next month's cover says, "Firestorm versus Red Robin!" and it just shows Firestorm standing over a smoking pile of ashes.

Firestorm #16 Rating: No change. If you really like your comic books knee-deep in 80s comic book style, Firestorm is for you. I think it's currently at the top of its game since the whole new millennium threat of nuclear strikes by terrorist theme really never felt right. Although I do miss Fury and Scorn and Wrath! At some point, I'm sure they'll be back to explain what the fuck was going on with that Quantum Field craziness. But I can't recommend this comic book any stronger than its current rank because it hasn't really been focusing on the love story. I think Dan Jurgens might not realize that's the strongest part of this comic!