Grifter #15

Is Deadshot a zombie? Is Grifter fucking spoiling the fact that Deadshot isn't actually dead? If he wasn't dead before, he is now because Deadshot is not bullet proof.

With Grifter's last issue having him face off against the Suicide Squad, I suddenly have a sinking feeling deep in the place where I'd have a soul if I believed in souls. Oh wait. That's my brain creating physiological reactions in my body based on the fear of Grifter becoming a member of the Suicide Squad when this series ends twenty crappy pages from now. At least the end of the world is coming for Grifter today. Let's all take a moment and rejoice in that.

Look at that idiot. Just look at that cover! This guy has no imagination. He's some kind of 12th Level Telekinetic but his Imagination Attribute peaked at 3 (probably out of 18 if we're going to be classical about attribute scores here). His big schtick is to simply fire more guns with his mind. Grifter, you're the greatest fucking genius in the world. If, you know, the world were composed of you, fungus, and hamsters.

Looking back at some of my commentaries on Grifter, I had a realization. A lot of people in this world don't understand the use of hyperbole in humor and I think a lot of those people have Tumblr accounts. I think I toned down some of my screaming rants because of Tumblr and that's a bad thing. But over the last week, I've gained about ten new followers and my followers have only dropped. And you know what? That's a good thing! It means I'm back on track. Trying to keep Tumblr followers is like apologizing to your cat. And I'm not going to do it!

I mean, I'm not going to try to keep my followers. I'm still going to apologize to my cat.

Here's the most recent example I can think of where I changed what I wanted to write because I was too aware of my readership. In my recent commentary of I, Vampire #14, I was writing in the voice of a fan obsessed with and crushing hard on Vampire Tig. So when I introduced the people getting ready to kill her, I wrote, "That dirty whore Bloody Mary and her bastard cunt arrogant prick friend “The Professor” have barged into haggy Deborah Dancer’s log cabin to try and kill my Tig!" The voice I was cultivating here really wanted to say, ". . . and her faggot friend 'The Professor' . . . ." So I switched it. I don't know. I guess the switch is better although now you see I equate the word "faggot" with "bastard cunt arrogant pricks." That was the best synonym I could come up with for the invective inherent in the use of the word while discarding any of the hate and bias that comes with it. Although some people would bristle at using "cunt" as well. So why the fuck do I fucking fuck care? I just need to be true to the voice I'm currently writing.

And my voice for writing about Grifter is rational, intelligent, and gently ribbing. So let me take a moment to get into character. Stretch my neck...good. Crack my knuckles. Okay. Sip of tea. All right! Ready!

Fucking Grifter, you're such a huge piece of shit that my dick gets hard thinking about how wet you make female coprophiles! Ah! It's good to be back!

God how I miss Rob Liefeld's art.

That's the first panel of the comic book. The washed out colors are strange and distracting but not as much as the eye sliding down the side of her face or the wax lips she's sucking on. The art doesn't get any better across the rest of the page. And when the writing begins, it actually makes the art look good.

Okay, it doesn't make it look that good. Although I'm noticing the colors look better and less washed out in my scans than in the actual comic.

Oh my god! THEY HAND OUT PAMPHLETS! AND EVERYTHING! Those pamphlets must be filled with really alarming shit! Look at the eyes bug out of Mr. Manly Legs Crossed! He's sitting next to the red haired woman with her foot up his pant leg that used to be a balding fat man. No, really! Look:

My favorite part is the one guy with dark black hair in the shaded group.

But that's okay because in the last panel of the page, Black Manly Legs Crossed turns into White Mister Deep Throat His Own Finger!

Or else they're just playing a game of musical chairs in-between panels.

Okay, so either they're shape-shifting aliens or these are all slides from different meetings. Hey, I can admit that I'm not a completely stupid asshole at times. These are obviously all shots of the woman the Suicide Squad needs to kill at different super-radical meetings where they read literature and listen to people give lectures. It's almost as bad as University.

But seriously? What the fuck is that guy doing to his finger?!

"Oh yeah! Take it, you bitch! Take it! You're such a filthy finger! Where have you been, you dirty whore? In my ear? Yeah! And scratching my scrotum too! Oh yeah! What about my asshole? Have you been near my asshole today? Mmmm, yeah. Mmmmmmm."

I'm beginning to feel a bit like Tristram Shandy at this point. I'm never getting off this first page! At least I'm not going to backslide and begin talking about the inside cover since I already mentioned that Onion advert in my commentary on Green Lantern. You know? The advert that uses the term "encyclopedophile." That's definitely a pedophilia joke, right? I guess Tristram Shandy wasn't as lewd as I am. Or at least he used language to hid his lewdness so that future readers would miss all of the dirty, naughty bits except when he talked about "really long noses." We still understand that euphemism!

This briefing took place six years ago. I guess that means it took place just before Amanda Waller joined Team 7 but time in The New 52 is kind of flexible, so I wouldn't wind any clocks based on that. All my fans of literature are smirking at me right now going, "Oh, jolly good one," while everyone else just wanted to keep reading and not be interrupted by this sentence where I point out my Tristram Shandy callback.

I think DC's editors want to think of time and continuity in their New 52 as fairly straightforward. But the main problem is that all the comics began at the same time except Justice League which began five years prior to the other comics. This set up a standard timeline for the New 52: heroes have been in the public eye for five years. There may have been some other odd peculiarities here and there but that was the general idea. But then a year of monthly comics go by and now all the timelines are different. Some comics had seven issues take place in a handful of days (Supergirl!) while others didn't (other comics book titles! (I'm really anal about getting my facts straight!)). So now when Grifter has a scene that says, "Six years ago," I don't really know what that means. I believe it means this was happening at the same time that Justice League was forming to fight Darkseid. One thing I do know though: this scene is taking place 18 pages before Grifter ends!

No wonder all the images were distorted! They should really upgrade to the Rob projector series. Although just think how gorgeous their briefings could be with a Diogenes model!

The speech bubble in the panel above is the briefer responding to Waller that the girl they want her to bring back safely isn't just anybody's daughter. In fact she isn't anyone's daughter at all!

Well, I guess she's still someone's daughter. But who is this mysterious Sombody Important? He's probably a powerful politician.

After this scene ends with Waller heading out to retrieve Mr. Important's niece, time shifts back to the present where Grifter is Narration Boxing like Mr. Nobodys Business and he's being pursued by the Suicide Squad. Hopefully they'll be playing the part of the Homicide Squad this issue. Please please please! It's my only Christmas Wish this year, Baby Jesus.

I get why Harley is chasing Grifter (although I don't get why she's hopping like a kangaroo) but why are Deadshot and El Diablo running? Shoot and/or burn his ass already!

See that little box at the bottom of the page? Here, let me make it easier to read.

But does it take place before the Squad's trip to central America as well?

If this takes place before the events of Death of the Family then what the hell is Deadshot doing out of his coffin? Apparently this takes place even before the Suicide Squad's little trip to Central America (unless it was South America) to battle Regulus since Deadshot died on that trip. That happened in the summer because I remember I was doing my commentary out in the backyard in the sunshine. But that would mean this was taking place while Voodoo was on Europa before she was helping Grifter. But she was just helping Grifter hack the Eye of the Storm which led to him teleporting into Belle Reve. Which means fuck you, DC editors! This is why you need to stop caring so much about continuity. Just let the writers fucking write shit. Except not this kind of shit. This kind of shit sucks and should be cancelled. So good work on the cancelling part of the job. You got one right!

I'll let the Squad chase Grifter around for awhile while I get back to the past and Waller's search for Sombody's niece. Amanda Waller is such an amazing agent that she tracks down this girl even though the girl changed her hair color from red to blonde.

She must have recognized her by the derpy eye sliding off the side of her face.

Back to the present! The Suicide Squad must be horribly out of shape because after that last panel where they were right on Grifter's heels, they lost him.

It's probably a good thing Iceberg's right hand is hidden since too many questions have already been raised about when this story could possibly take place if it's happening before Death of the Family.

Then the fight takes place. Remember how Grifter defeated Midnighter and Apollo and then nearly defeated Midnighter again? That was because those conflicts happened in the comic book with "Grifter" on the front cover. And since that hasn't changed, guess who handily beats the crap out of the Suicide Squad?

Why does she call him smiley? Is it an ironic nickname because his mask has no mouth? Why does she say "batter up"? That's a hammer, not a bat. Where did the hammer come from? She did compare her own vagina to a clown car in an early issue so that's a possibility.

Grifter uses his telekinesis to turn all of the Squad's attacks back on themselves. He does it while quoting Shakespeare too!

Malvolio says this to Olivia in "Twelfth Night."

Speaking of Twelfth Night, I can't decide if it's Shakespeare's funniest play or if I've just seen it so many times drunk during Shakespeare in the Park that it just seems like his funniest play.

Just as Grifter is mocking the Suicide Squad for not using teamwork, my hero arrives! Perhaps Baby Jesus answers Christmas Wishes after all! It's a Christmas Miracle! I believe in you, Baby Jesus! I believe! You are the Lord and Saviour who died on the cross to take away man's sins that he shouldn't have ever had in the first place if God wasn't so keen on always cursing the people who didn't do the wrong doing and since you're actually 1/3 part God, you died on the cross to save everyone from yourself so you know what? I don't think I want your manipulative Christmas Miracle after all!

No wait! I do want it! I do! Bite his fucking head off!

Although Marat tried to draw a shark last issue and it was fat and stupid. How is he going to draw King Shark?!

Not bad! THE END! Hallelujah!

Oh fuck me. I spoke to soon. I should have quit reading after that last panel!

Yeah, that's more what I expected him to look like.

I guess Grifter lived because of a telekinetic shield or something. That's the blue/white stuff that looks like sperm which I tried to make look like blood in the previous panel. Sorry for the deception. Grifter is actually okay. But he apparently forgets how to use his telekinesis once a shark has bit him in the abdomen because as he's lying on the ground in a pool of shark spit (or semen), the Suicide Squad defeats him with teamwork!

Also, footwork.

So that's how it ends with Grifter! He's nearly bitten in two by King Shark and then kicked into submission by the rest of the Squad. I guess feet are immune to telekinesis. So as Grifter fades away, his last thought is, "So much for me."

Oh. Um. Except I'm only 12 pages into this thing! Crap. I've been reading this stupid comic for over two hours! Can't Grifter just die already! I have a bad feeling he's going to join the Squad after he recovers from the severe kicking he received.

The Squad restrains Grifter with anti-TK restraints so that Amanda can interrogate him. Why don't they make all of their stuff out of anti-TK material? Amanda acts tough but how is Grifter supposed to take her serious when she interrogates him without any pants on?

This is as good wank material as the succubus from the original D&D Monster Manual!

Turns out Amanda doesn't really want to interrogate Cole Cash at all. She just wants to make him doubt his handler, Warick. It was Warick that was leading the cult that Amanda had to steal Sombody's niece away from six years ago. And he's not exactly as reliable a guy as Grifter allowed himself to believe. But I guess if a guy tells you you're the Chosen One enough times, you want to believe it.

How do you use the same picture for all three panels and fuck up the lips in the middle? Apparently I need to start reaming colorists as well as writers and artists!

Amanda then allows Grifter to leave and tells him anti-TK restraints don't actually exist. Oh yeah? Maybe you could develop them from the skin of every single one of Superboy's enemies.

And even though this issue was really bad, the worst part was yet to come:

It's not the last issue? Mother fucker.

Grifter #15 Rating: No change. Someone please tell me this comic book has actually been canceled and I just didn't get my hopes and dreams up. And for as bad as this comic book was, I just couldn't send it to Rank #52 simply because that would give The Savage Hawkman a +1 boost in the ratings. Fuck that!

Batgirl #15

I take it she accepted the proposal. Weird.

Dear New Diary,

Can this week get any worse? I'm completely freaking out right now about what just happened out in Arkham! And then I finally drag my beautiful butt into bed and Miss Stephanie my brown diary is ruined! Somebody shoved it in the toilet and crapped all over it. Then they wrote "Ah ha ha ha ha!" on the bathroom mirror in pink lipstick. Fripping whackos! Somebody tell me why I put up with Gotham? Diary? Do you know?

Where do I begin?! How about when the Joker (YES! THE FRIPPIN' JOKER!) proposed to me at Skate World with my mother's wedding ring still wrapped around her bloody finger? That seems like a pretty romantic place to begin, right Diary? Hmm. You need a name. How about Julie my new marvelous diary? Good? Okay! Let's get this shitty story started (pardon my language, Julie, but I just had a really rough night).

I don't think Batman plans on saving this maniac! Just not killing him.

The Joker expected me to say yes to his proposal. But why would I?! He's not hot. He doesn't have a steady job. His car probably has a big stupid clown face on the front. He's never even taken me out to dinner. Do I even have to mention that he just cut one of my mom's fingers off? Why in the world would I say yes to this maniac, Diary? Why?!

Gail Simone, are you flirting with me (me being me not me being Batgirl!)? At the start of this Death of the Family crossover in my commentary on Batman #13, I wrote: "News travels fast around the Bat-Family. It’s like a long lost uncle who would ruin every family gathering has suddenly returned for the next reunion and everybody is freaking out about what he’s going to do to the potato salad. And it doesn’t take long before everybody loses their appetites." My tweet linking to this commentary said, "The Joker is back. And as soon as he gets his face on, Batman better hide the potato salad." And now Simone has The Joker refer to Batgirl as "his special potato salad"? That's just too fucking fitting.

Well, one reason I might say yes was because he had a gun to my mother's head. But I wasn't going to mean it! I only said yes to buy some time, so I could save my mother! But even though I didn't mean it, it still feels like a moment in my life as been ruined. I dreamed of the moment the man I loved would ask me to marry him and I would say, "Yes, Dick, yes! Of course I'll marry you!" But now when that happens, the moment will be tarnished by the fact that I've already been asked once in my life and I accepted. The Joker was going to frippin' pay for that!

So I jumped him. Yeah, that's right, Diary! I kicked his ass! I guessed that whoever was in charge of blowing the nail bomb under my mom's seat wouldn't do it with their boss in such close proximity. So I beat the, excuse my Parisian accent, fucking shit out of his clown painted ass.

Batgirl has some punchlines of her own! Bwa ha ha ha!

I almost did it, Diary. I almost crippled that bastard. And he laughed. He laughed the whole way through. I didn't know people could guffaw through blood and broken teeth but that bastard was doing it. You see, he had snipers watching the rink. I didn't care. I would have shot him anyway if my mom hadn't been out there as well. Instead, I submit. I take the address he hands me and I go on the errand he wants me to run. It looked like I was engaged.

The Joker would let my mom go if I followed his instructions, so to buy more time, I followed. I ended up at an old condemned church full of his thugs and on scared priest being forced to conduct the ceremony.

I've been to worse weddings.

Little did I know at the time, the cavalry was on its way. Believe it or not, the cavalry was my favorite girl, Alysia, and my brother James, that rat bastard I soon realized had sent me to the ice rink. And I think shit on my old diary! FUCK!

Batgirl #15 Rating: +1 Ranking. Batgirl kicking the Joker's ass was actually more satisfying than I expected.

Batman #15

I don't want to read this in the same way I didn't want to read The Walking Dead #100. It's making my stomach hurt with dread expectation.

After all of the other Death of the Family so-called tie-ins (Seriously. Detective Comics "Death of the Family" issue with the special cover and everything had one panel where Batman remembers he needs to take care of The Joker and one page where The Penguin mentions he's going to a party. Fraud!), I couldn't quite remember where the main story left off.

Oh yeah. Except last time The Joker said "72 hours" instead of "3 days."

The Joker and The Batman's private discussion is suddenly interrupted by Bullock and half the Gotham Police Department. Batman warns Bullock to go away but why should he listen to The Batman? It's one clown against helicopters and M-16s and tear gas and bean bag guns. What could go wrong? The Joker will be apprehended in a page or two and this whole crossover can end early and go home.

Joker has Leather Man Clowns hiding in the trees with their giant bazookas in their hands just waiting to pop off on the cops. The Joker says the word and lots more Gotham policemen die. Batman escapes the chattering tooth trap and pounces on The Joker. But Bats forgot his protection and goes in ungloved.

No wonder Harley has been so upset. The Joker is crushing hard on Bats.

After being kicked into the reservoir by The Joker, Batman wakes up in the Batcave surrounded by The Bat Family that he's going to kill in 72 hours. I'm a bit skeptical on that point. You know, I'm a bit skeptical on all The Joker's points! I don't think he knows any of the Bat Family's secret identities. I don't even believe he's throwing a party! I bet it's a trap! The only thing I do believe is that he cut off one of Alfred's ears. This crossover has to leave some kind of permanent mark on Batman's history and I don't see any of the Bat Family being killed or crippled. Again.

Hey Batgirl! Shouldn't you be consummating your marriage right about now? Maybe get a room in the same hotel as Clayface and Poison Ivy?

The Bat Family would like to politely disagree with Batman about The Joker's knowledge of their identities. Dick is concerned because The Joker freed Raya, a horrible jealous jerk-faced red-headed colleague of Dick Grayson. And The Joker went after Barbara Gordon's mother, Barbara Gordon. And The Joker kidnapped and sodomized Alfred Pennyworth (maybe! The second half of that is just speculation based on really solid evidence. Super solid evidence!). He also left a crazy stuffed animal in Tim Drake's bedroom although that story was written by Scott Lobdell so I wouldn't trust it. It'll probably just be changed in the Teen Titans trade.

Red Robin wants to know what The Joker meant about Batman having his calling card, so Batman tells the story to put them all at rest. He fought The Joker over the bay, The Joker fell in the bay, Batman searched for him on his boat, Batman never found him, Batman came back into the Batcave via a waterway, and later Batman found The Joker's calling card floating in the water near the Batboat in the cave. So everybody put your minds to rest! The Joker doesn't know anything!

"Now that I retell it, it does seem kind of troubling, doesn't it? My bat!" -- Batman

Even after telling that story which obviously raises more questions than it answers, Batman insists that there is no way The Joker got into the Batcave.

Dick makes a strong case but he's still only Nightwing. I'm with Batman on this! Just like Wesley Snipes said in the worst movie ever made, Passenger 57: "Always bet on Batman."

After Batman less than convinces everyone that The Joker is as ignorant as ever about their civilian identities, he rushes off to follow some leads. I think he really just rushes off because he's losing the fucking argument with his Bat-Children. Through his investigation, he learns that The Joker has had Arkham held hostage for weeks. He's been renovating it, getting it ready for Batman's party. He's only been allowing the guards with families to go home regularly, knowing that they'll remain quiet if they want their families to live. So Batman finally heads to Arkham.

Is the party going to have started already? While he was investigating his lead, did the other Bat Family Members run out of the cave and instantly get caught up in his trap? I hope so!

The back-up story has The Joker forcing The Riddler to escape from his cell. That sounds kind of stupid but I couldn't say he was helping The Riddler escape since the only thing The Joker does is drop poison gas into The Riddler's cell. The Riddler escapes and The Joker invites him to the party because The Joker likes the way The Riddler keeps Batman's brain sharp with all of his riddles and games. I'm really getting excited for this party!

Batman #15 Rating: No change. Batman is no longer the single best comic of The New 52. Action Comics is just as good. So I'll let them both sit there at #1 together for awhile. You know, I've never really been interested in The Big Three before but now they're three of the best comics being written. Wonder Woman is the other member of the Big Three for those who couldn't figure that out. I had to say that just in case some one was thinking maybe it was Aquaman. Bwa ha ha!

Green Lantern #15

On the outside cover, a serious statement about racism and profiling.

And on the inside cover, The Onion makes a pedophilia joke for their new book!

Simon Baz (you know, the new Green Lantern that everyone wants to arrest for probably racist reasons) is back home in Dearborn, Michigan to try and prove he's innocent of trying to blow up a lot of people (oh yeah! That's the reason they want to arrest him). Last issue the Justice League tried to find out who he was and whether or not he was a terrorist. But like every other fucking time any super hero tries to find out anything, a fight breaks out. I'm almost willing to give up reading comic books merely on that basis alone. Nobody can fucking have a conversation in these things. I suppose it's because they're all so scared of everyone else, their paranoia causes them to lash out trying to get the first blow. And maybe they're just a reflection of society, right? How many people are killed by scared police every fucking day because the cops "thought they saw a weapon" or "felt threatened"? And the fucking justice system always excuses their actions. Every fucking time. "Oh, well if a trained police officer felt scared, he must have really been in danger!" How about training people with weapons who are supposed to be protecting innocents how to not panic? Yes, you've put your life on the line for your career choice. But that was your fucking choice!

I think I got off track here. Non-rantly put, what I'd like to see are more situations where talking happens when talking is called for. Every single super hero abuses their powers in these goddamned comic books. You know what really set me off? It was less the punching and more the Justice League standing on an innocent person's smashed car while they were trying to get the truth from Green Lantern. Why the fuck are you standing on that car, Batman?! Jesus, you asshole billionaire. To most people, cars are not disposable!

Speaking of the Justice League, since they failed to catch Green Lantern last issue, they've given up on finding him this issue.

Batman: "We should find out if that new Green Lantern is a bad guy!"
Aquaman: "Maybe we should go ask him some question?"
Superman: "Batman's right. Let's go ask him some questions!"
Wonder Woman: "My lasso will get the truth from him!"
Aquaman: "I hear he might be a terrorist."
Cyborg: "My computer files say he's a wanted terrorist."
The Flash: "Yeah, but if he gets away before we find out if he's a bad guy, can we just throw in the towel? Chasing people is hard."
Batman: "Oh yeah. Definitely!"
Aquaman: "All right then! Let's head out!"
Superman: "Okay Justice League! Let's go!"
Aquaman: "Suck my fucking fish stick, you assholes."

The Justice League might give up easily because their crossover cameo is over but the federal agents after Simon Baz don't have that option! They've been assigned to this comic book and they're stuck with it.

Ahem. Excuse me. He escaped the motherfucking Batman.

Meanwhile, Simon Baz goes to ask the owner of the van full of explosives some questions.

Simon Baz: "Yeah, I stole your van but the explosives were already in it. Someone else put them there! Where did you last park the van? Maybe we can figure out who really put the bomb in it!"
Owner of the Van: "Eat lead, you fucking racist term for someone who practices the religion of Islam and steals vans!"

So the meeting goes nearly as planned with Simon Baz finding the person who put the bomb in the van. It just happened to be the guy who owned the van. Detective work is easy! There's just one problem.

That seems like a major flaw in Green Lantern recruitment. Shouldn't the battery and an instruction manual be handed out as well?

Meanwhile in black and white and gray world, Hal Jordan and Sinestro learn that they're dead from the guy in the hoodie. He claims to be Sinestro's enemy and Hal Jordan's friend. I'm not much of a Green Lantern scholar but it seems that's a bit of a vague clue even for someone loves Green Lantern.
Back in Dearborn, Simon Baz is saved by Agent Fed. This is the second person doing better detective work than Batman in this story line! I guess Batman just didn't give a shit about catching this guy. The real terrorist (the white guy. Duh! We're making statements here and shit!) and the federal agent end up pointing their guns at each other and speaking instead of shooting first. But that doesn't matter much since a bunch of Borg Lanterns crash the party and turn the bomber into one of them. Baz and Fed end up hiding in the basement. Perhaps now Batman will lead the Justice League here with his great detective work and he'll save them all. Or maybe Baz will find a Green Lantern power battery in the basement. I think the only other possibility is that the Borg Lanterns immediately break through the basement door the way they just broke through the side of the house.

Except the basement door is reinforced steel. This actually stalls the Borg Lanterns for a minute or so because they apparently want to use a door this time instead of simply crashing through another floor or wall. In the basement are bombs and guns and plans for general chaos and destruction. The agent sets the bombs to explode and Baz and Fed get the hell out.

Through the non-reinforced, wooden, unlocked cellar doors leading to outside.

Baz and Fed are caught up in the explosion as they dive for cover but are mysteriously protected by Green Lantern light! Could it be Baz's ring had enough energy for instinctive protection? Perhaps he pulled out the last vestiges of his immutable will! Did that last sentence even make sense? Or maybe they were saved by a magic talking squirrel!

Yeah. It was that last one. I guess B'dg replaced Ch'p after he became cosmic roadkill.

That last line was a joke and then I looked up Ch'p on Wikipedia to see what really happened to him. "A yellow tractor-trailer hits and kills Ch'p." That's just fucked up, guys.

B'dg is here to warn Green Lantern that the Guardians have gone nuts. That's a squirrel joke! Hopefully B'dg can teach Simon Baz about the proper usage of his Green Lantern Ring.

Also revealed is the identity of the First Lantern: Volthoom. This is probably not a surprise to anybody for three reasons. One, Volthoom has always been the First Lantern, so people that know Green Lantern Lore already knew this. Two, Volthoom is a brand new character so nobody knows anything about him anyway. Three, someone like me that hasn't been following Green Lantern for the last ten years has no idea if it's possibility one or possibility two anyway.

Green Lantern #15 Rating: No change. Not enough was revealed in this issue for my tastes. But at least somebody out there now knows that Simon Baz, the new Green Lantern, is not a terrorist. So the Justice League can be called off. Oh wait. They already simply gave up. Assholes.

Detective Comics #15

I think I'm tired of this cover!

Last issue Poison Ivy proved to everyone that Katana isn't as accurate with her sword as she makes herself out to be. She also proved she loves big, sculpted, malleable dicks. That's why she married Clayface! Because he has and is one both! I just added that last sentence so all the people making their own jokes could see that I meant for that statement to encompass both meanings of dick. And even more meanings of dick if there are any more!

The Penguin's goons decide to bury Poison Ivy alive instead of killing her. Now, I seem to remember Ogilvy saying the boss wanted Poison Ivy dead. And I think planting Poison Ivy in the ground is a far cry from blowing her brains out against one of Gotham's poorly constructed walls. Ogilvy really isn't too smart to live in Gotham, is he? He's going to make it big here someday seeing as how stupid he is! Putting Poison Ivy in the ground is like gently setting a plant in a pot and packing it firmly (but not too firmly!) with potting soil and nutrients, watering it carefully and giving it a nice warm ledge on the kitchen window. That's pretty much the opposite of making something dead!

Oh stop playing the damsel in distress! Just make like the beginning of The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show and sprout the fuck up out of the ground already.

One few weeks ago, Poison Ivy and Clayface went on a month long crime spree. Priot to that Poison Ivy married Clayface in Las Vegas. Prior to that she had to break him out of Arkham which was impossible. Prior to that she had to resurrect herself after having been killed by Katana. Now months after she was killed, somebody finally put her in a hole in the ground and her husband is pissed.

What is it with everyone and blood smears lately? Is Clayface possessed by Father Lost too?

Oh give it a rest!

Clayface is not possessed by Father Lost but he is being controlled by Poison Ivy. So maybe a person's obsession with turning another person into a bloody smear is a surefire way to know that someone is being mind controlled!

Back at the Iceberg Casino, Ogilvy checks in with the Penguin to report that Poison Ivy has been taken care of. And they both show why they're so spectacularly successful in Gotham City! It's because they're dumb as fucking rocks.

Poison Ivy is both an animal and a plant! She provides her own oxygen and her own carbon dioxide. Dumb dumbs!

The Penguin is too busy to think about how Poison Ivy can't suffocate in an airtight container because he needs to get ready for The Joker's party. He's so nervous he can't even speak correctly.

Oh Ogilvy. You just became too smart for Gotham. Well, it was good getting to know you.

Batman does his detective thing after he escapes from the clutches of Clayface. He discovers that Clayface has only been out of Arkham for a week and that he hasn't been on any crime spree and he hasn't been to Las Vegas and he has not once set foot in Poison Ivy's private garden. You know what garden I'm talking about! It's the one located next to her septic tank. During he's research, I think he's about to reveal what happened to Poison Ivy when she was killed by Katana!

Yes, yes. Since her incident with the Birds of Prey--when she was killed? Is that what you're going to say, Batman?!

Oh, fuck you. What about the incident when they got back? The one involving the Japanese sword and the Japanese sword she wields!

Batman doesn't really give a shit about the mysteries I give a shit about! He's currently invested in finding out how Clayface is being manipulated. Seems pretty obvious, doesn't it? I mean, Clayface doesn't usually run around with flowers sprouting out of his grit. But Batman has to know for sure. He has to know what plant is being used. He has to know where the plant is from. He has to know the right growing conditions for it to flourish. He has to know what it feels like to rub it up along the inside of his scrotum while Alfred slides the bat dildo up his ass. He has to know if it makes a good pizza topping. He has to know every fucking thing about it before he does what he was going to do no matter what he learned about the flower: bathe Clayface in herbicides and napalm. Come on, Batman! Everybody knew that was what you were going to resort to.

Batman then has to explain to Clayface how the happiest month of Clayface's life was a total sham.

Yeah, imagine because you certainly aren't going to ever experience it, you mud sack.

After I get back from imagining what Poison Ivy could do with a man and a plant, I have to read about Batman feeling bad because he didn't realize Clayface was capable of a broken heart. How fucking patronizing, Batman! Just because he's a big, disgusting, smelly, rotten-toothed mess of a lump of dirt, you didn't think he was capable of feeling love? Those kinds of wrecks are the worst when it comes to falling in love! He probably falls in love with every single woman that's ever nice to him. I see you smirking, you Bat Jerk! You love doing...oh hey! Has anyone seen the object of affection lately?

There she is! Ogilvy is digging her up because he knew all along about plants and oxygen and reciprocation and hand jobs.

Oh Ogilvy! My, er um, you little schemer you! p.s.iloveyou!

Those dashes after Ignatius Ogilvy's name lead into the most groaner inducing splash page I've ever seen in all my many, many years of reading comic books. I'm going to scan that page but I'm warning you: Do not read it if you're easily nauseated. Do not read it if you're pregnant. Do not read it if you're taking medication to thin your blood. Do not read the following panel if you have any respect for yourself at all. Are you ready?

Are you sure? I'm serious about this warning! You can't come back from this!

You're still in for this, hunh? You think you're a tough guy, right? "Oh, it's just a fucking character name reveal! I've seen hundreds of those! No way this is as bad as a Plastic Man comic book or any Captain Carrot and his Amazing Zoo Crew pun-filled dialogue. Bring it on!"

Okay. Fine. But by reading this next page, you're acknowledging that you're the type of person eager and willing to have sex on the floor of a truck stop bathroom.

Okay. Maybe after that lead up it wasn't so bad. But that lead up was like body armor! I took that shot straight to the face!

The back-up story stars Clayface pouting in the sewers. Yeah, that big lug was in love. He had it bad!

Hey Tumblrites! Ship this! What are you going to tag this one? ClayIvy? Or PoisonFace!

Clayface sits in the sewers reminiscing about how he fell in love with Poison Ivy by reading her letters but mostly because of the seeds included in the letters that grew in his clay and made him open to suggestion and caused him to hallucinate. He decides to meet Poison Ivy later at their rendezvous point.

Does that question mark on the end of FIN indicate rape? Or impotence?

Detective Comics #15 Rating: +1 Ranking. Aw shit. I enjoyed reading this comic book. I also really like Ogilvy. Although he almost lost me when he dropped that Emperor Penguin line. So corny, sir! But what I really liked was the pathos in the Clayface story. The poor, pitiful, woman-abusing bastard.

Swamp Thing #15

I haven't really been keeping track of this and it isn't really a very scientific statement but here it is anyway: this is my favorite cover of The New 52 so far.

Last issue, Swamp Thing and Deadman were on their way to Gotham City when they were eaten by William Arcane's pet Rotctopus. Also, William had Aquaman's trident so the DCnU is a less lame place now.

Oh, please allow William Arcane to correct me:

Is everyone going to get little Rotten Starro Babies stuck to their faces?

Swamp Thing bursts out of Starro's stomach because that's simply what you do when you've been eaten by a giant monster in the DC Universe. Starro might be down for the moment but since Rot Creatures can't be killed and Starro's piece just regenerate, Swamp Thing might have just created an unkillable Starro army. But the crossover should be over before he has to deal with any of the repercussions of his thoughtless actions.

Little Willy has a ton of other dead fish things at his disposal since they're fighting in the ocean. Deadman decides the only way to stop him is to possess him. But since William is of The Rot, it will destroy them both. But that's okay, Boston. You get to die a hero in the Rotworld Alternate Reality. That means you won't really be dead but you will still be remembered as being heroic and full of self-sacrifice!

Back in the past, Abby makes her way to the Parliament of the Rot to try to stop Rotworld before it even gets started. If she manages to do that, can I send all of my Rotworld comics back to DC for a full refund since they never took place? I guess I don't have to worry about that since Abigail fails.

I'm not sure what she would have found if she'd been on time. Puppies?

I don't know what the Parliament of the Rot is supposed to look like but I imagine this isn't it. This looks like a bunch of Arcane's Un-Men. Perhaps Arcane killed the Parliament of the Rot because they were too conservative. Or perhaps this is the Parliament of the Rot after they've been infected by themselves. Can that happen? I really don't know what's going on here.

Thanks to Deadman's death, Swamp Thing makes it to the Batcave in Gotham. He finds a Rotten Batman changed to his computers and gets much too close. It bites him in neck so now he has to worry about rabies as well as Rot Infection. I bet those things don't worry Alec at all. He's probably more worried about sexually transmitted plant problems like Kudzu and Gypsy Moths. He's saved by a human-bat creature even though he probably didn't really need to be saved. He was just off balance and surprised by Batman's horrible bat face and surprise hickey. The bat-creature that saved him transforms back into its all human form to cradle him against her sexy chest.

I wonder if this'll go in her diary?

Swamp Thing #15 Rating: No change. So let me get this straight: Animal Man's army consists of dozens of Frankensteins, Steel, Beast Boy, Black Orchid, John Constantine, and Green Lantern. Swamp Thing's army consists of Batgirl. Good thing it's not a competition. I'm sure Batgirl will introduce Swamp Thing to her own New Gotham army next issue. It'll probably be composed of half Bat-family members and half insane assholes. I can't wait!

Animal Man #15

Why didn't Superman ever sue Steel for using his "S" logo? Or maybe he did and I missed that issue!

The first thing I realize when I open this comic book is how unobservant I've gotten while reading comics. When I began this project, I wanted to really take my time with each issue. But look at what I missed in the last panel of last issue? My favorite French gay gorilla in the DCnU!

Monsieur Mallah! And his current Squick Buddy, The Brain!

This is from the first panel of Issue #15 and not the last panel of Issue #14 which I may have led you to believe I was going to comment on. But I scanned that last commentary and Monsieur Mallah is right there next to Grodd and I didn't even notice. If I had, I would have made a big deal about it! He's the best!

Although I could be jumping to conclusions by saying that Monsieur Mallah is gay. The origin of The Brain was always sort of mysterious but I'm pretty sure the scientist whose head it came out of was male. Besides, the Who's Who entry on Monsieur Mallah confirms he was gay!

See? "Marital Status: Inapplicable"! Also, he's basically Pinky since he's "Assistant to Would-Be World Conqueror" The Brain.

Brain begins barking orders at Mallah as if Mallah couldn't figure out that shooting Steel in the face was the best plan of attack at the moment. Mallah must be in love with this thing to keep it around simply so it can talk down to him and order him around. What else can The Brain do? It just sits in its jar! Luckily Mallah isn't going to be pushed around by it much longer.

Monsieur Mallah doesn't mourn for long. He's gunned down in the next panel.

The person doing all of the killing is Frankenstein, just in case you didn't recognize his sword. He's got an army of other Frankenpeople with him. They slaughter all of the monkeys although doesn't that mean they'll just have to slaughter an army of zombie monkeys now? I guess not since the Gorillas remain dead after the battle is over. Maybe Frankenstein knows a secret to keeping dead things dead.

Constantine and Baker try to recruit Frankenstein and his patchwork people for their assault against Arcane's fortress. But Frank has seen the place and says it's still too dangerous. But he knows that Arcane keeps a prisoner beneath Metropolis rumoured to be powerful enough to change the tide of battle. They speculate that it could be Superman but would it really be that obvious? Who else might it be? Maybe it's Cyborg!

Meanwhile in the past, Maxine believes William Arcane is going to help her because he's just a young boy and what trouble could he be? Sure his name is Arcane! But you can't hold that against him, can you? Socks warns her that it's a trap but Maxine is too young to realize that you should always listen to your cat. Cats are like the smartest things ever. And I don't mean because they make people serve them. That's small potatoes! Cats are intelligent because they found a way they have, time and time again, found a way to reap the benefits of human society so that they put out minimal effort to survive. Dog people think dogs have it made but when is the last time you lived in a city that allowed dogs to wander around the neighborhood without supervision? Yeah, cats fucking can't even be touched by the law. Okay, if they're not properly licensed, they can be scooped up and taken away (although most people just assume they're someone's pet and leave them alone anyway). But if they are licensed, they're generally assumed to be part of the landscape. They're free to wander as they please. A few horrible, stuffy, shit-stain cities have tried to make it against the law to let cats wander the neighborhood. But those cities all sickened and died from lack of a soul. It's fucking true! I'm pretty sure I read it on Wikipedia.

Anyway, Maxine doesn't listen to Socks and ends up paying the price that all people who ignore cat advice end up paying.

They turn into monsters with anuses for eyeballs!

Back to Rotworld, I have to immediately scan another picture. Ever since Beast Boy appeared in Rotworld, I've been saying he's the best Beast Boy so far in the New 52. This issue, Lemire and Pugh aren't done trying to show Mackie, DeFalco, and Lobdell how to write this kid.

He's a giraffe! Wearing Mallah's beret and bandolier! Ha ha!

The few humans left in the world climb into one of Frankenstein's army's supply wagons to get some sleep before they reach Metropolis. Buddy Baker dreams he's back in San Diego at home with his family. He even remembers battling Crazy Quilt the night before. Hopefully he didn't incarcerate him before he gets a chance to beat the shit out of Jason Todd.

In his dream, zombie Cliff tells him to not turn his back on the boy since the boy won't be dead yet. Probably a warning about Willam Arcane. Or Damian Wayne! Everyone should be warned about that bar steward. Erm, bastard.

And then they get to Metropolis!

It looks like the Metropolis where Superman is going to have his final confrontation with Vyndktvx!

Metropolis is covered in vegetation which confuses everybody. Constantine and Black Orchid feel something familiar about the power used to cover Metropolis in vegetation. My guess is it's Blackbriar Thorn, evil druid of evil.

Eh. Close enough!

Animal Man #15 Rating: +1 Ranking. This Rotworld crossover would be the best crossover if Death of the Family wasn't over there being such a good crossover. Although they really might be neck and neck. I like seeing all of these future versions of the super heroes. Especially the dead ones since Lemire is making all of the crappy written heroes into Rot Things. I bet Green Arrow is the next Rotten Hero to come along!