Detective Comics #15

I think I'm tired of this cover!

Last issue Poison Ivy proved to everyone that Katana isn't as accurate with her sword as she makes herself out to be. She also proved she loves big, sculpted, malleable dicks. That's why she married Clayface! Because he has and is one both! I just added that last sentence so all the people making their own jokes could see that I meant for that statement to encompass both meanings of dick. And even more meanings of dick if there are any more!

The Penguin's goons decide to bury Poison Ivy alive instead of killing her. Now, I seem to remember Ogilvy saying the boss wanted Poison Ivy dead. And I think planting Poison Ivy in the ground is a far cry from blowing her brains out against one of Gotham's poorly constructed walls. Ogilvy really isn't too smart to live in Gotham, is he? He's going to make it big here someday seeing as how stupid he is! Putting Poison Ivy in the ground is like gently setting a plant in a pot and packing it firmly (but not too firmly!) with potting soil and nutrients, watering it carefully and giving it a nice warm ledge on the kitchen window. That's pretty much the opposite of making something dead!

Oh stop playing the damsel in distress! Just make like the beginning of The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show and sprout the fuck up out of the ground already.

One few weeks ago, Poison Ivy and Clayface went on a month long crime spree. Priot to that Poison Ivy married Clayface in Las Vegas. Prior to that she had to break him out of Arkham which was impossible. Prior to that she had to resurrect herself after having been killed by Katana. Now months after she was killed, somebody finally put her in a hole in the ground and her husband is pissed.

What is it with everyone and blood smears lately? Is Clayface possessed by Father Lost too?

Oh give it a rest!

Clayface is not possessed by Father Lost but he is being controlled by Poison Ivy. So maybe a person's obsession with turning another person into a bloody smear is a surefire way to know that someone is being mind controlled!

Back at the Iceberg Casino, Ogilvy checks in with the Penguin to report that Poison Ivy has been taken care of. And they both show why they're so spectacularly successful in Gotham City! It's because they're dumb as fucking rocks.

Poison Ivy is both an animal and a plant! She provides her own oxygen and her own carbon dioxide. Dumb dumbs!

The Penguin is too busy to think about how Poison Ivy can't suffocate in an airtight container because he needs to get ready for The Joker's party. He's so nervous he can't even speak correctly.

Oh Ogilvy. You just became too smart for Gotham. Well, it was good getting to know you.

Batman does his detective thing after he escapes from the clutches of Clayface. He discovers that Clayface has only been out of Arkham for a week and that he hasn't been on any crime spree and he hasn't been to Las Vegas and he has not once set foot in Poison Ivy's private garden. You know what garden I'm talking about! It's the one located next to her septic tank. During he's research, I think he's about to reveal what happened to Poison Ivy when she was killed by Katana!

Yes, yes. Since her incident with the Birds of Prey--when she was killed? Is that what you're going to say, Batman?!

Oh, fuck you. What about the incident when they got back? The one involving the Japanese sword and the Japanese sword she wields!

Batman doesn't really give a shit about the mysteries I give a shit about! He's currently invested in finding out how Clayface is being manipulated. Seems pretty obvious, doesn't it? I mean, Clayface doesn't usually run around with flowers sprouting out of his grit. But Batman has to know for sure. He has to know what plant is being used. He has to know where the plant is from. He has to know the right growing conditions for it to flourish. He has to know what it feels like to rub it up along the inside of his scrotum while Alfred slides the bat dildo up his ass. He has to know if it makes a good pizza topping. He has to know every fucking thing about it before he does what he was going to do no matter what he learned about the flower: bathe Clayface in herbicides and napalm. Come on, Batman! Everybody knew that was what you were going to resort to.

Batman then has to explain to Clayface how the happiest month of Clayface's life was a total sham.

Yeah, imagine because you certainly aren't going to ever experience it, you mud sack.

After I get back from imagining what Poison Ivy could do with a man and a plant, I have to read about Batman feeling bad because he didn't realize Clayface was capable of a broken heart. How fucking patronizing, Batman! Just because he's a big, disgusting, smelly, rotten-toothed mess of a lump of dirt, you didn't think he was capable of feeling love? Those kinds of wrecks are the worst when it comes to falling in love! He probably falls in love with every single woman that's ever nice to him. I see you smirking, you Bat Jerk! You love doing...oh hey! Has anyone seen the object of affection lately?

There she is! Ogilvy is digging her up because he knew all along about plants and oxygen and reciprocation and hand jobs.

Oh Ogilvy! My, er um, you little schemer you! p.s.iloveyou!

Those dashes after Ignatius Ogilvy's name lead into the most groaner inducing splash page I've ever seen in all my many, many years of reading comic books. I'm going to scan that page but I'm warning you: Do not read it if you're easily nauseated. Do not read it if you're pregnant. Do not read it if you're taking medication to thin your blood. Do not read the following panel if you have any respect for yourself at all. Are you ready?

Are you sure? I'm serious about this warning! You can't come back from this!

You're still in for this, hunh? You think you're a tough guy, right? "Oh, it's just a fucking character name reveal! I've seen hundreds of those! No way this is as bad as a Plastic Man comic book or any Captain Carrot and his Amazing Zoo Crew pun-filled dialogue. Bring it on!"

Okay. Fine. But by reading this next page, you're acknowledging that you're the type of person eager and willing to have sex on the floor of a truck stop bathroom.

Okay. Maybe after that lead up it wasn't so bad. But that lead up was like body armor! I took that shot straight to the face!

The back-up story stars Clayface pouting in the sewers. Yeah, that big lug was in love. He had it bad!

Hey Tumblrites! Ship this! What are you going to tag this one? ClayIvy? Or PoisonFace!

Clayface sits in the sewers reminiscing about how he fell in love with Poison Ivy by reading her letters but mostly because of the seeds included in the letters that grew in his clay and made him open to suggestion and caused him to hallucinate. He decides to meet Poison Ivy later at their rendezvous point.

Does that question mark on the end of FIN indicate rape? Or impotence?

Detective Comics #15 Rating: +1 Ranking. Aw shit. I enjoyed reading this comic book. I also really like Ogilvy. Although he almost lost me when he dropped that Emperor Penguin line. So corny, sir! But what I really liked was the pathos in the Clayface story. The poor, pitiful, woman-abusing bastard.

Nightwing #14

How many pages until these two are fucking? The over/under is 15.

I wonder if the good writers at DC hang out with the bad writers at DC? I wonder if everyone in the office walks around thinking they're one of the good writers? I bet the good writers don't even enter the offices at DC since they'd have to take a plane from somewhere in the United Kingdom to go to work in the morning.

But perhaps I'm wrong? I have a feeling the really amazing writers spend way too much time writing while Scott Lobdell (even though he's writing something like four books a month!) and Tom DeFalco just sit down and piss out their story over one weekend. So they're probably the guys that go out drinking and carousing every night. Maybe the bad writers are the ones that everyone wants to hang out with! I bet Winnick does shots with Ann Nocenti all night while his wife is in surgery saving lives. And since Tom DeFalco seems to telling the same story every month in Superboy, he's opened up a whole shitload of free time. Maybe that's why DC forced him to write a story in Nightwing so Higgins can recharge. "Come on, Tom! Just take one of your Superboy scripts and do a search/replace on Superboy with Nightwing. And replace the current bad guy with Lady Shiva! That'll work."

I think putting "Dick" in quotation marks sets the wrong tone for this entire "getting to know the protagonist" box. Now when I read it, I also see "partner" and "became a man" in quotation marks too!

First off, I'm glad to see Tom DeFalco is still labeled the "guest writer." Let's just hope he doesn't end up "guest writing" the book for three years! Hurry back, Kyle Higgins!

Second off, Nightwing reminds all of the readers that The Joker is back in Gotham City so don't forget to read Batman #13! Still on sale!

Third off (although my numbering is probably off since the Narration Box I scanned was really the first off!), Nightwing is hunting for Lady Shiva by following a trail of slit throats across Gotham. But the first murder he investigates doesn't turn out to be her.

So Nightwing likes to beat up kittens?

Now that I've wasted twenty minutes laughing and crying at that video, I should probably donate some money to an animal shelter. And finish reading Nightwing. Or start reading it even!

Nightwing finishes up with the kittens, turns the research over the next murder to Lucius Fox, and heads out to check up on his Amusement Park. For new readers and people not paying attention and, since he's only thinking this, himself, Nightwing explains that Amusement Mile is a project he's spent all of his money on so that Gotham can have a nice, safe, fun place for families to go.

A shining beacon. Or a flaming wheel of death when some psycho sets it ablaze and unbolts it, sending it rolling downtown!

Nightwing promises the daughter of the new trapeze artists that she and her family will be safe. She's heard the rumours that the circus is jinxed. Little does she know it isn't jinxed at all! It's simply the breeding ground for the best assassins that have ever lived and died and lived again! I'm not sure how Nightwing can promise anyone that they'll be safe as long as they're in Gotham. Batman and the Bat Family might always come through and stop the bad guys in the end but a lot of people always seem to die before that end happens.

Later Nightwing speaks with Sonia on the phone. DeFalco had a few pages last issue where he wrote Batgirl and they were awful. She was a snotty bitch that was worried about The Joker being back in town. Maybe The Joker being back is an excuse to have her on edge but the caption said the scene took place after Batgirl #14. But in Batgirl #14, she was strong and confident and really at her best. Nothing like the shaken, bad-tempered woman seen in the last issue of Nightwing. I mention this because now Nightwing is acting really stupid in the scene where he speaks with Sonia. Maybe Nightwing's detective skills fail him when he's trying to read women. That's kind of understandable. But he speaks with Sonia who apologizes for standing him up the night before when they were supposed to have a business meeting. His reaction?

I guess the typical business thing is to not give a shit if you miss a meeting?

Dick is a great detective but he thinks someone apologizing is intimate? That's okay. He does seem to be a bit clueless when it comes to women. Especially redheads. And he seems interested in Sonia so he keeps second guessing every comment she makes. I'm actually fine with this scene and his characterization but I brought it up so I could talk about the Batgirl incident from Nightwing #13 after having now read Batgirl #14!

Lucius gets back with some information that makes him realize that Lady Shiva may be in town to kill all of the witnesses for that S.E.C. case mentioned last issue. Remember where I said Sonia Branch was probably Lady Shiva's next victim? Yeah, that's about to happen. Unless she's really just out here to ask Nightwing on a date. That's a definite possibility and the way I hope this story is headed.

Once Dick Grayson puts on the Nightwing costume and hits Gotham's roofs, he runs into Lady Shiva. She's such a super assassin that she can tell the instant somebody is onto her plans! They tussle for awhile and then Nightwing makes a comment that makes me think the two of them fucking isn't going to happen this issue.

Or what? Brunette?

Nightwing manages to stop the hit on Sonia. Luckily the hit was taking place just outside the building as Sonia was entering to testify. Lady Shiva has the single chance to assassinate her but fails. Sonia ducks into the courthouse to testify! Lady Shiva's reputation is fucked and she takes it out on Nightwing.

Great. Now his ribs are never going to fucking heal. Maybe The Joker will just put him out of his misery in an issue or two.

Lady Shiva lets Dick live for now. Partly, I suspect, because he was fighting at a disadvantage with the cracked ribs. Martial arts villains don't like to defeat foes that aren't at the top of their game. But she also mentions she may need "even more" from him later. Like sex! I knew it! The encounter ends as Lady Shiva jumps to another roof with pathetic, beaten Dick Grayson screaming after her, "Can you at least tell me who hired you?" Seriously. Batman would be ashamed!

The plea from Nightwing is really just to set up the next scene showing The Penguin speaking with Ogilvy and telling Shiva, over the phone, that her fee has been wired to her. It's a nice segue except for the part where it makes Nightwing sound like a real, whiny, impotent bitch!

And that segue segues nicely into the Death of the Family plotline.

How long has Ogilvy been around? I like this guy! I hope he and Alfred engage in some fisticuffs during Death of the Family!

The last page shows The Joker breaking Raya Vestri out of Blackgate Prison. She's the other red head from Dick Grayson's younger days with Haly's Circus that tried to destroy Nightwing and Haly's Circus with the help of Saiko half a dozen issues ago. I guess she's invited to the party! Yay!

Nightwing #14 Rating: +1 Ranking. Holy fuck cows! Did I just increase a comic book's rankings while Tom DeFalco was at the helm? I can't believe it! Maybe it's because I'm all hopped up on caffeine and YouTube videos of kittens getting their hats smacked off of their heads. Seriously though, I enjoyed this story and I still really like Nightwing even with DeFalco writing him. Fuck. I think I'm becoming a Fanboy!

Oh, um, plus the art was enjoyable. Good job, Guinaldo and Irwin!