The Authority #28 (April 2002)

You're not allowed to show one naked penis on a comic book cover. But if it's a bundle of three or four dozen? No problem!

I'm beginning to think that Frank Quitely quitting this comic over a better job offer wasn't the reason the comic book was delayed for four months. Once Tom Peyer and Dustin Nguyen took over, it came out every month for four months straight. But then when Millar came back? It was two months before the 2nd part of "Brave New World" (nine full months after Part One!) was published. And now the 3rd part just took 3 more months after that. It's been a full year and Millar has only put out three issues of his four issue story arc. I think I might know why this comic book was cancelled after part four! Garth Ennis was scheduled to take over after Millar's run but he probably got sick of waiting and moved on to other comics.

Last issue, we got a glimpse of Rush's ass. This issue, I'm hoping for half a labia!

This issue begins with The Surgeon putting all of the world's Gods to the firing squad while introducing a new God for the pop culture oriented man: Religimon.

These are the Gods after editorial got through with them: Gandalf, Mr. Spock, Doctor Who, and, um, Scarlet Witch?

The main feature of Religimon is that the G7 nations of the world own the rights to the new religious imagery (which, I'm assuming, is composed of hundreds of cute and various other Gods. Gotta worship 'em all!) so I can seen how it wouldn't seem weird to have them killing the other pop culture heroes which Religimon will replace. But apparently the soldiers were supposed to be killing Jesus and Mohammad and Buddha and Yahweh which makes more sense, especially considering this soldier that interrupts The Surgeon during his introduction of Religimon.

I think to fully kill Jesus, you have to consume him before he resurrects. Like a troll in Nethack.

Back on The Carrier, the readers learn that Colonel not only has a shit fetish but he's a rapist as well. It's not surprising being that Mark Millar hadn't explored every corner of degeneracy yet.

Um, no?

Turned on by all the megalosalmon shit splashing across The Carrier's windshield, Colonel does a sex attack on Rush. By that I mean he throws a soccer ball at her face and then threatens to electrocute her when she calls him a lunatic. If he's this out of his mind from horniness by seeing some fish shit, what happens when the Colonel lifts the lid on an unflushed toilet? Does he instantly jizz himself? Does he fuck whatever's nearby, like the drain in the sink or a toilet roll tube? Does it matter since he's going to be dead by the end of next issue, if not this one?

The Surgeon interrupts to let Colonel know that something terrible has happened on the ship: Street has been run over by a pizza delivery motorcycle.

I should stop reading so I always remember Rush like this, adorable with everything still intact.

I don't know how Street was killed by being run over by a motorbike that's mostly moped. I guess if Midnighter is riding it, it becomes more deadly than usual.

Last Call checks on The Carrier's caged baby universe in the Engine Room because Machine felt a disturbance in the whatever. He doesn't notice Jenny Quantum sitting beneath it manipulating it to her will. I guess that means Jenny Quantum can render herself invisible to homophobes.

If at any time during the year long wait for this story to continue, readers were thinking, "I hope when the story comes back, it'll have more attempted rape than normal," they were in luck! Because the next scene has Teuton telling Apollo he was always interested in fucking guys but didn't want word getting around. So now he's got a gay guy tied up and helpless who will be dead soon and so won't tell anybody that Teuton fucked him!

Luckily for Teuton, the good guys don't fuck the holes they make in the bad guys' heads. Even with Millar writing.

The rest of New Authority hold a meeting to figure out who's going to battle Midnighter. If I were them, I'd lock myself in some out of the way storage closet and just wait for Seth to beam aboard and take care of him.

Seth appears before any of them can find a closet to hide in which saves some of their dignity. Luckily, they don't have to pretend they want to fight Midnighter because Seth has four dozen raging hard-ons throbbing at the prospect of finally killing Midnighter. Too bad Midnighter finds them before Seth finds him.

Noooooo! RUSH! Um, I think?

I think the lone feather and possibly some blood stains indicate that Rush was strung up by Midnighter when the lights went out the first time. Then The Surgeon was shot and/or stabbed through the chest. Elsewhere on The Carrier, Apollo blew Last Call's head off. So now it's just Machine, Colonel, and Seth left to fight.

Colonel gets taken out in two panels just like everybody else. New Authority put up nearly zero fight, as expected. Hopefully Seth will put up more of a fight.

Why's the focal point always gotta be Seth's multiple dicks?

Apollo kills Machine while Seth tears out one of Midnighter's hearts (yeah, yeah. Apparently he has a back-up). Now it's just Apollo, Jenny, and Seth facing off at the end of reality (because The Bleed is hemorrhaging).

The bigwigs have a meeting while Swift waits on them in her underwear. They discuss how Seth needs to be terminated now that he's taken care of The Authority (um, what? He hasn't even!) and, right there in front of Swift, they mention how Seth has a kill switch! That makes sense because Swift always has to prove her worth in the smallest way possible every story arc. In this one, she gets to find out the means to kill Seth! Unless the means to kill Seth will just be Seth finding out the government's going to terminate him and Swift asking Seth to join them like she asked Doctor Krigstein. That would be really fucking disappointing though.

The Authority #28 Rating: B. Too many New Authority members died too quickly. It wasn't any fun! Now I suspect the battle against Seth next issue will be just as anti-climactic. I think maybe Millar was either getting bored by this point or super annoyed at editorial putting a stop to his super edgelord shit. Whatever the case, Arthur Adams doesn't even make it to next issue! They laid part of the blame for the delay on waiting for Arthur Adams to finish a job and catch up on the script and then he only hangs around for two issues anyway! Christ, what the fuck was going on at Wildstrom in 2001?!

The Authority #27 (January 2002)

Millar's note to Arthur Adams on this issue's cover: "Have you ever heard the term 'gay-bashing'?"

Don't accuse me of being the insensitive one! Wait until you see why Apollo's had the shit beaten out of him here! Just you wait! Remember, Mark Millar wrote the script, not me! Stop telling the messenger to KYS already! It's really taking a toll on my psyche and my ability to keep writing edgelord blog entries!

This issue begins by asking the question, "Is it possible to crush on Rush even harder than you already are?"

The answer, according to the noise that came out of my body when I turned to the first page, is, "Unnhhhohohunh."

New Authority are flying into Qatar where a huge post-human battle rages. It might be the first double-page splash in the history of this series that warranted a double page splash. Usually it's just a large picture of The Carrier, or a bunch of ships zipping across the page. But this splash reminds me of the best of Sergio Aragonés' work. I'm not going to scan the entire thing but I should probably scan my favorite bits of it. Starting with this surprise pick:

My girlfriend!


Gigantitty-fuck!


The Engulfer!


The Bizarro Twins!


Punisherine? The Wolfisher?

I almost just scanned Rush and then a bunch of close-ups of Rush's body. I mean I did do that but then I saved them to my secret folder and scanned these other weird heroes to cover my tracks.

The characters attacking Qatar are Wildstorm's version of the Team Titans. They're from the 27th Century and they've come back to punch the people in the face responsible for their ecological apocalypse. Ha ha! That's pretty funny. Millar thought it would take 600 years for an ecological apocalypse to take place? Ha ha ha!

New Authority murders the future teens in the amount of panels it takes to give a short description of every member of New Authority. What did the future teens think they were going to accomplish? Since the ecological disaster in the 27th Century happened, they obviously didn't complete their mission back in time. Fucking idiots! Don't they get how time works?!

I would love to be dropped into helicopter rotors by Rush.

Why is Rush so adorable and I find Swift as appealing as a blank white sheet of A1? I bet it's because she's Canadian! One of my first huge celebrity crushes was Stacy Mistysyn, Caitlin Ryan from Degrassi Junior High. It can't possibly just be the overalls as I surmised before, can it? Am I actually just in love with overalls?

Oh shit! I almost forgot Millar was back! Decapitation Count: 13!

I just spent the last four issues complaining that I was never going to get a shot of Rush coming out of the shower because this comic book wasn't being drawn by David Finch or Tony Daniels. Well, it seems I can add Arthur Adams to the list of artists who mandate at least one coming out of the shower scene in every comic book they draw.

At least I can rule out that it's only about the overalls now.

New Authority throw a quick meeting to analyze the state of the world. Everything's cool except that Midnighter tore a hole in The Bleed when he flew a plane into some critical part of The Carrier and crashed it. Machine says something about every other reality in existence (so infinite alternate realities?) are coming for their Earth. It's not explained better than that and I don't have the brain power to spend on it because Rush decides to disrobe in the middle of the Map Room.

What the fuck is she doing? Not that I'm displeased!

This issue, Mark Millar gave a little bit of background to the various members of New Authority. We found out Rush is a Canadian singer/songwriter. And Colonel is a football star from the United Kingdom. He may, in fact, be a quite famous footballer.

I know I usually scan these for the half-naked women but pay attention to their convo! Colonel is David Beckham!

Meanwhile, Last Call works out by using Apollo as a living body bag. Yes, Seth failed to kill Apollo! I imagine he failed to kill every single member of The Authority who he was rewarded for killing a few issues ago. I feel like treating Apollo this way will be bad for Last Call's health in the long run. But he doesn't think that because he's a fucking idiot. Last Call blabs to Apollo that the other members of The Authority, except Midnighter, are not dead and they were never meant to be killed. You know Apollo's not sad about hearing that. Of course Midnighter would want them to think he was dead! That's how he's going to save the day!

Swift's mind has been wiped and she's now living a domestic life as the wife of a gigantic asshole. The Doctor's powers were stolen by The Surgeon who keeps The Doctor in his pocket as a little action figure. The Engineer's also going to have her mind wiped soon so that she thinks she's the mother of a bunch of shitty children with an abusive husband.

This is the trouble with evil villains. They always need to keep the heroes alive to satisfy the sadist inside of them.

Oh but wait! There's somebody in the organization who thinks differently! This guy and Seth watch footage of Jack Hawksmoor whose mental capacity has been diminished so that he can't access his super powers. He now begs on the streets for beer money. And this guy is disturbed by the way management didn't just kill The Authority.

I don't give a shit about this guy but at least he understands what would have kept them from all being killed in two issues.

Meanwhile in the sewers of New York, Midnighter and Jenny Quantum plan to murder one fucking hillbilly with six hundred dicks. No, seriously. He's got like six hundred dicks.

The Authority #27 Rating: A. The build up is fantastic! I can't wait for Midnighter to murder them all in terribly gruesome and visually horrific ways! Also Rush got fucking naked in this issue! She was all, "Hey, Machine, now that the guys are leaving, will you look at my vulva?" And Machine was all, "Wa-OOOOOOGA!" I don't know what happened after that. At least not in canon. I know what happened in head canon though and it's incredible! But if you think I'm going to describe it to you, then, like the Japanese bouncer told me after inviting me into an ichya-kyabakura and he asking me if I speak Japanese which I said no to, "Too bad for you!" Man, that was simile was a fucking mess!

Scarecrow! (as seen in Batman and shit)

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Jonathan Crane
Occupation: Former Professor of Psychology, now Professional Criminal
Marital Status: Single
Known Relatives: None
Group Affiliation: Injustice Gang of the World
Base of Operations: Gotham City
First Appearance: WORLD'S FINEST COMICS #3
Height: 6' Weight: 140 lbs
Eyes: Blue Hair: Black

HISTORY
When he was a small boy, Jonathan Crane liked to frighten birds. His fascination with the subject of fear persisted into adulthood. Crane became a professor of psychology at Gotham University and was known as an authority on the psychology of fear.

Crane was a tall, spindly figure who dressed shabbily, choosing to spend his money on books rather than clothing [Seems sensible to me!]. His faculty colleagues disliked and derided Crane, mockingly referring to him as "Scarecrow" Crane due to his appearance [Are y'all paying attention to Gotham Villains? Stop calling other people names because they're different than you! Because they're going to take that name and use it as their super-villain moniker! Everyone is just lucky I never decided to become the super-villain "Tiny Junk!" I would have stormed banks yelling, "I'm a grower not a shower! I mean, hands up, this is an erection! I mean stick up!"].

Crane's strange obsession with creating fear led him one day, while lecturing students on the subject of fear, suddenly to fire a bullet at a flower pot, shattering it. The students were unnerved to see their professor wielding a loaded gun in class [Oh, such simpler times.].

One afternoon Crane overheard some of his colleagues mocking his shabby, scarecrow-like appearance. Bitterly, Crane decided that if he had much more money, he would gain his colleagues' respect, and be able to dress better and buy still more books [I just lost all respect for Crane because he needs the respect of his douchebag peers.]. The next day he lectured about the ways criminals extorted "protection" money from victims through fear. Later, Crane decided to turn criminal himself, utilizing his knowledge of creating fear. He took the guise of the Scarecrow, believing it to be a perfect symbol of fear and poverty combined.

As the Scarecrow, Crane hired himself out to people who wanted others intimidated through illegal means [As opposed to legal means like setting cops and lawyers on people.]. Crane was fired from the university for his fanatical teachings and classroom behavior. The Batman deduced that Crane was the Scarecrow, and he and Robin captured him (see Batman II, Nightwing).

The Scarecrow, who has become a notorious master thief and has clashed repeatedly with The Batman, leaves straws behind at the scenes of his crimes. Besides using conventional means of terrorizing his victims and opponents, the Scarecrow has also devised various scientific means of affecting the human brain to create the sensation of fear. It has become apparent over the years, however, that Crane himself is subject to fears, including the fear of capture by The Batman.

POWERS & WEAPONS
The Scarecrow is a brilliantly cunning criminal mastermind and psychologist who is an expert at creating terror. He can induce fear in a person by affecting his or her mind with a special fear-inducing gas, high frequency waves transmitted by electronic devices, or a fear-inducing pheromone chemical.

The Scarecrow has little skill at hand-to-hand combat [I just love how every single entry has to give a shitty, generalized description of their brawling ability.].