Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #63 (February 2026)

E!TACT! #63
Cerebus #41, Excerpts from the TTRPG Table, and Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy


Comic Book Reviews!

Cerebus #41 (August 1982)
By Dave Sim

The Ranking
Cerebus's campaign manages to purchase a second carriage which was an issue in a previous, um, issue because the carriage was so crowded that Moon Roach kept rubbing himself against Astoria. This has enabled Cerebus to get some distance from Astoria and sneak about doing some secret deal campaigning without her notice. With Dirty Fleagle, Moon Roach, and Bran Mak Mufin in Cerebus's carriage, they spend most of their time gambling. But when they're not gambling, they're making backdoor deals with the Cirinists. Astoria wouldn't negotiate for the Cirinists' electoral votes because they wanted her off the campaign completely. But Cerebus has negotiated terms to get their votes that would keep Astoria no better than a secretary in his government. So now he's in a good place to win but Astoria doesn't realize it because she doesn't know about the extra votes. Eventually, none of this will matter because it will all come down to like one yokel's vote and that yokel might just want to fuck Julius's goat so it could be bad. Spoiler: it won't be! I think the guy hates the idea of a goat in charge.

A few other bits of intrigue take place this issue too. The "duck statue" comes back into play. Everybody seems to realize it's important but, as of yet, nobody really knows why. It was just a stupid throw away line a while back when Cerebus's ransom was never paid and instead it was replaced by statue of a duck. But the duck has been lost now and Moon Roach is searching for it because of the other bit of intrigue. Moon Roach has discovered that Astoria doesn't love him. Duh. She doesn't love anybody, bug! He thinks she loves Cerebus but she just wants the power Cerebus can bring them. Also she's fucking Dirty Drew because who isn't? Apparently he's the hottest dude in Estarcion and he really knows how to please the ladies! He doesn't even need to give them a statue of a duck.

This series would have been better if it followed Dirty Drew McGrew. Heck, 95% of the characters are more entertaining than Cerebus himself. Cerebus is a dick. Kind of like Dave is!

Dave certainly didn't mean for Cerebus to be anything like himself. He wrote Cerebus as if the character surprised him at every turn, so much so that Dave had to insert himself into the book to try to warn Cerebus about his life's direction. Dave wrote that Cerebus would die alone, unloved and unmourned. At the time, he seemed to cast that as a warning for Cerebus to change his selfish and destructive ways. But by the end, did Dave simply believe that all visionaries, prophets, and geniuses come to that end? I'm not saying Dave is alone and unloved but he isn't not super close to that position based on his professional life and what became of it. And it seems like Dave thinks he was visited by God about changing his ways too. He stopped fucking and masturbating. He dove head-first into all three Abrahamic religions of the People of the Book. As if he needed to change his ways before he was unloved and unmourned. Except Dave seemed to realize, through his movement of Cerebus toward death and ultimately Hell, that being loved and mourned was nothing compared to your soul's eternal existence. So he didn't care if people liked him or the final thirty issues of Cerebus because it was no longer about that. He had found religion (not any of the three of the People of the Book but a weird, amorphous combination of the three that he created based on his genius understanding of the texts through the eyes of a — sorry, Dave, but this is pretty accurate based on your "two 'Gods'" reading of The Bible — chauvinist. I won't go so far to say Dave's a misogynist; he reminds me more of Piers Anthony who believes the weird, sexist things he believes not through any proof of living but through some weird bending of perception happening in the brain. You know, a kind of post-'60s free love era, '70s sexism, possibly something you can only truly understand if you were there. I guess that's not true because, while I was there, I was single digits during. What would I know about sexism of the '70s other than looking at things I remember through the eyes of the older version of me and Armistead Maupin's Tales of the City books?!

Okay, I'm done thinking about Dave Sim and Cerebus now! Let's move on!

* * * * * * * * * *

Tales from the TTRPG Table

One of the aspects of Table-top Role Playing Games that I think Game Masters and Players tend to ignore is how much of our actual lives are spent as audience. When at the gaming table, players expect to participate in every moment. And why not? Where else can you rightfully have Main Character Syndrome if not at the gaming table?! But what good is a world for your players to play within if that world doesn't have depth and movement separated from their lives? As a Game Master, I believe that things should happen that the Players never actually discover. It might mean that I write ten pages for every page of game revealed to the Players but that doesn't mean that those ten other pages were wasted. They inform the story in ways the Players may never realize but they'll appreciate in how, when they discover something unexpected, that thing makes sense in the world and they can even backfill the beats and movements of other lives they weren't privy to. And sometimes I just write lengthy scenes where the Players can learn as much as they want to learn by paying attention to all that happens while they're merely set as observers. I do not write in pauses for them although they're always free to interrupt and do something stupid. So here's a two-and-a-half part scene from a Zweihander campaign I was running a few years ago. Enjoy! Maybe?

* * * * * * * * * *

Scene: Outside Customs
Mister Tinsel Lashes Out

Mister Tinsel is waiting for you as you exit The Gift Shop. He’s obviously been crying, his eyes red and puffy. “Crutches is dead.” He looks down at his feet, his hands wringing the front of his shirt, and then he looks back up at your blank expressions. “Crutches?! The Halfling guide for The Drowned?! THE DROWNED?! The new crew of explorers rescued from the shipwrecks? THE SHIPWRECKS?! The Superfluous and The Distraction?!” Having actually given you no time to react, you simply allow Mister Tinsel to vent, seeing as a friend and fellow guide has died. He sighs. “Anyway, they’re throwing a wake for him down at Liminal Spaces, if you can be bothered.” He turns and marches toward the bar.

Scene: Inside Liminal Spaces, Orcas' bar
A Wake for Crutches

Liminal Spaces is standing room only as you shove your way in. Orcas waves you over to the bar, pointing to a line of shots on the counter. You push your way past Foros and Bera, holding hands and looking sad standing in the back of the room. Three gnomes in orange jumpsuits and green helmets scurry through your party as they weave their way to the front of the bar where a large crate has been overturned as a makeshift stage. You even notice a couple of Empire Soldiers in attendance. You’re aware of how much of an impact Crutches made on these people even if you barely knew he existed. Even Foros and Bera wouldn’t have known him well; they’ve simply been overwhelmed by the somber atmosphere.

You get to the bar and Orcas hands everybody a shot. “It’s not much, just a little backroom brew I’ve been working on. You know. For occasions like this.” She picks up a glass and downs a shot herself, hissing at the vileness of it. “For all our sakes, hopefully this doesn’t become too common. At least not until I can perfect this recipe.”

Everybody from every group is here drinking and laughing, some crying, with the notable exception of the Bookhouse Boys (not that you’d recognize any of them). Warburton sits up front against the wall behind the crate, facing the crowd. The new pudgy guy sits on a cot in the corner observing it all, and occasionally writing in a journal in his lap. A large brutish man you’ve never seen before stands in the dark corner. His face is covered in a large, scraggly beard and his long wiry hair is held back in a ponytail. He wears bronze armor and carries a Gladius on his hip over a leather skirt. His eyes glint in the dark like those of an animal.

[The man in the corner is Gorf, Consoler of First Fallen, and one of the five Higher-Ups for The Lantern Society. Even though others have fallen on the Island before, Gorf senses this is the first actual casualty for what has become a complete army exploring this island. These are the brothers and sisters who will fight to save the world.]

Warburton stands up and climbs shakily onto the box. “Thanks for coming, everybody.” Cheers and toasts fill the room with a smattering of people yelling, “To Crutches!” Warburton waits for the room to grow silent and says, “I never know what to say when this happens. And I sort of don’t want to turn this into some kind of inspirational rally to fight for good and live life to its fullest. It just fucking sucks. Other than to celebrate Crutches’ life and get fall down drunk doing so, we’re also here because one of the Higher-Ups, Gorf, wanted to say something. And, well, who am I to refuse Gorf?”

“WHO IS ANYONE TO REFUSE GORF?!” booms the man in the corner as he bends his knees, grips his Gladius, and scans the room.

Warburton’s frown breaks and she laughs. “Okay, calm the fuck down, Gorf. Oh. Um, sorry for my continued informality everybody. Anyway, here’s Gorf.”

The large man steps forward, looks down at the crate, and smashes it beneath his foot as he puts his weight on it. He shakes the broken crate until his foot is free and then looks out at the crowd. “I AM GORF,” he states in what's apparently his normal voice but would be a shout coming out of anybody else. He is quite large. “I AM CONSOLER OF THE FIRST FALLEN AND THOUGH WE HAVE LOST OTHERS BEFORE THIS, CRUTCHES IS THE FIRST OF OUR ARMY TO FALL SINCE WE HAVE BECOME THE FAMILY WE WERE ALWAYS MEANT TO BE. WE ARE ALL HERE. IF NOT IN THIS ROOM, SOMEWHERE ON THE ISLAND. I SENSE US ALL. FINALLY. AND WE, ALL OF US, ARE AT WAR WITH FORCES THAT WOULD TAKE EVERYTHING: POSSESSIONS, LAND, LIFE, TIME, EXISTENCE. THOSE IN THIS ROOM HAVE BEEN CHOSEN TO STOP THIS FROM HAPPENING. WE DON’T KNOW HOW IT WILL HAPPEN OR IF ANY OF US WILL, TRAGICALLY, PLAY A PART. BUT WE MUST FIGHT AGAINST ITS HAPPENING WITH ALL OF OUR STRENGTH, WILL, AND DETERMINATION. WITH THE DEATH OF CRUTCHES, OUR ENEMY HAS DRAWN FIRST BLOOD.”

Orcas leans over and whispers to you all, “Crutches died falling in a sinkhole.”

“BUT WE WILL DRAW SECOND BLOOD! AND THEY WILL FIND NEED FOR THEIR CONSOLER OF THE FIRST FALLEN, WHATEVER BESOTTED AND VILE DEMON THAT MIGHT BE! SURELY MY OPPOSITE, UGLY AND LOATHSOME TO LOOK UPON! IN THE FINAL BATTLE, I WILL BE SURE TO SMITE HIM! SO IN CRUTCHES’ NAME, I SAY, “TO WAR!”” When Gorf says “To War!”, he actually does shout and it leaves everybody’s ears ringing. He steps back into the shadows in the corner.

Warburton steps up, looks at the ruined crate, and shrugs. “Well, I said we weren’t going to make this some inspirational speech relying on the death of Crutches but I guess Gorf here didn’t get the memo.”

“THERE WAS NO MEMO, HARLOT!”

“By the Empress. Sorry about that. Let’s just keep Crutches in our memory. He was a good kid with a bad leg. Drink up, I guess.”

Warburton heads into the crowd and begins speaking with Hips and Flaming Willy.

[Let the party mingle. If they stay for any length of time, the following will play out.]

Scene: Liminal Spaces, after the Wake
Tim Receives a Prophetic Nickname

“Excuse me! Excuse me! I know most of you don’t know me. My name is Tim. I’m a poet. Your little orange and green gnomes pulled me from my hiding place a few days back, dehydrated and on the brink of death. So this place saved me. And I wanted to express my gratitude with a poem, if you don’t mind.”

“This outta be jolly,” barks Imhol from where he was sat at a table with a mug of ale in each hand.

“Yeah, gives us your poem, Jolly!” shouts Vyach sitting next to Imhol, either thinking Imhol was calling the man by name or simply deciding a quick nickname was in order.

“Okay.” Tim pulls out his journal and flips it open. A strange pen falls out and clatters to his feet. He clears his throat and says, “This is called Poem. Um, all my poems are called Poem. Um, anyway, it goes like this.

"The first time I saw you, I thought, “Goy! That’s a little fella!”
Then you limped to the bar and I chuckled.
Probably inappropriately. But, you know, laughing is like a fart sometimes.
It won’t be held in.
You saw me chuckling and you grinned, turning back to the bar,
And ordering another mug.
Which you brought to me.
Like an old friend.”

Tim closes the journal. “Um, thanks for listening.” Vyach stands and applauds enthusiastically, “Thanks, Jolly!” You feel as if Vyach is actually applauding himself for coming up with the guy’s nickname.

* * * * * * * * * *


Letters to Me!

Stella Saide Writes: REAL AND HONEST LOVE SPELL CASTER. I don’t really know how to thank Priest Guba, enough for what he has done for me. My husband left me and went back to his mistress for months. If not for the intervention of Priest Guba, I wouldn't have gotten back my husband. His powerful reunion love spell brought back my husband. I doubted him at the beginning but I realized without faith nothing Is possible. Thank God today I am among the people who testify about Priest Guba, for his good work that restored peace back to my marriage.

My Reply: Unless your husband killed himself following his dead mistress into the afterlife and Priest Guba brought him back to life, I think you might be making a huge mistake thanking that guy. Who wants a lousy husband that treats you like that? Forget Priest Guba! You should gone to Tony the Butcher! Or Isabella "Emasculation" Quintana. Also, you might be confused about "faith" if you're thanking a "real and honest spell caster." I think magic is different than miracles in some way. Or have I been wrong my entire life and hypnotists are using the power of God to make people act like chickens? Also why did you capitalize "Is"? That's a weird choice. Please ask Priest Guba if he can resurrect cats for me. I know some people prescribe to the tenet "Sometimes, dead is better" but I'd like to give it a try anyway. Thanks!

* * * * * * * * * *

Later, jerkos!

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #20 (Third Week of April 2018)

E!TACT! #20
Black Lightning: Cold, Dead Hands #6, Batman: White Knight #7, Justice League #42, Batman #44, The Curse of Brimstone #1, The Immortal Men #1, Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews, What Am I Currently Reading?, and Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy


Comic Book Reviews!

Black Lightning: Cold, Dead Hands #6
By Isabella, Henry, Guichet, and Pantazis

Rating: With this issue, any continuity fans who were wondering if DC Comics Presents #16 was still in continuity have got their answer. Yes it is! I'm just going to use the scientific method and assume that every issue of DC Comics Presents has been returned to continuity since one has.

You might not find it surprising that I failed science. I certainly found it surprising that I couldn't cite comic books as proofs of my answers on tests. My physics teacher found it surprising that I couldn't tell the difference between reality and fantasy. I don't know why he was so surprised. One day for class, we went to the amusement park Great America to test physics theorems. So I was supposed to believe that everything in the park was regulated by physical laws but not believe that Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck were real? I had my picture taken with both of them! How was that not worth an A?!

Oh yeah. This comic is all about getting along with each other or something. Parts of it are based on The Twilight Zone episode where all the neighbors become paranoid and begin accusing each other of being aliens. I guess the lesson is not to listen to your gut instincts and your intuition because those things are ruled by superstition, paranoia, and systemic racism.


Batman: White Knight #7
By Murphy and Hollingsworth

Rating: After reading the first issue of this series, I thought, "Haven't we seen this multiple times already? Casting the villain as the hero who really shows Batman how to save Gotham?" So I started reading this encased in a hard, protective layer of cynicism. And yet it still somehow managed to break through that enamel and I've mostly enjoyed the story. Especially this issue.

In this issue, we learn that The Joker never killed Jason Todd. But Todd, completely broken by The Joker, believing his life was ruined by Batman, pretends to be dead after The Joker releases him. This is a way better version of Jason Todd's reappearance in the DC Universe. I especially like that Jason Todd has been convinced by The Joker that Bruce used and manipulated him. It gives Jason Todd a real reason to be hurt and angry at Batman, as opposed to the overly melodramatic teenage reason that everybody accepts: that Jason Todd is hurt and angry that Batman didn't avenge his death by killing Joker. I'm going to simply cut out the canonical part of the Jason Todd story that I don't like and replace it with this bit. How does one go about doing that? Home brain surgery couldn't be that hard, right?

The other part I really loved was Bruce's discussion with Dick and Babs about why he does what he does. It's always nice when a writer thinks up a better way to look at a character instead of relying on tons of past writers who simply accepted the traditional version. And it's not like Murphy's version changes Batman's motives much at all. Batman simply twists the perception of why he does what he does so that it's not contextualized by past events but based upon a vision of a better future.

Don't get me wrong, though. My cynicism continues to control most of my brain's functions. I'm still annoyed by yet another story where the big twist surprise is that Batman and The Joker team up to save the day (and right on top of Metal's version of this story too! Sheesh. Don't editors at DC talk with each other?).


Justice League #42
By Priest and Woods

Rating: The Justice League continues to learn that justice is much tougher to accomplish when Priest controls the narrative. The team has had debates like this before where Superman says, "We must stop all war and killing everywhere!" and Batman says, "We can't do that, you dum-dum Kryptonian!" and then Wonder Woman is all, "Bruce is right. We can't interfere in geopolitical whateverisms!" Then Superman says, "Oh poo," and kicks a rock so hard it kills a dictator of a small fake European country which causes a massive war where millions of people are killed in the subsequent conflict to exterminate half the population of the country who just happened to have the wrong common ancestor. Then Superman is all, "Oh. I get it now! Whoops!"

Luckily, Deathstork arrives on the scene to administer the justice that the Justice League can't administer because they all have to listen to Batman for some reason. By the end of this story arc, I'm guessing it'll answer the question as to why Superman or Batman or Wonder Woman have never grabbed Deathstork by the scruff and tossed him in jail. It's because they know they need somebody who doesn't mind killing when killing needs to be done. Plus it has to be somebody that they pretend they can't stand and also whom they pretend they can't catch. "Oh no," cries Batman over his tea as he reads the paper, "It looks like Deathstork was in Gotham killing those bad guys whose lawyer just lawyered them out of jail. If only you'd have told me about Slade being in town, Alfred. I could have stopped this!" Then Alfred winks at Bruce and Bruce winks back and they enjoy some nice waffles with homemade butter.


Batman #44
By King, Janin, Jones, Chung, and Bellaire

Catwoman shops for a wedding gown this issue. My guess is Tom King was at a bar sitting across from Scott Snyder and James Tynion IV fawning over each other. Eventually one of them broke eye contact (probably Snyder because Tynion IV's gaze can get unnecessarily probing) and glanced over at Tom King. Scott said, "We were just daring each other to write a story that readers should hate but we do it in such a way that they'll wind up loving it. I'm going to write a whole epic story where Plastic Man saves the day. James is going to write a story about a pansexual misogynist gender fluid monster from Pluto who attacks Earth in an attempt to get Pluto's status as a planet reinstated. It will mostly feature Batman being lectured by a bunch of young people. What about you?"

Tom King sucked on his hot dog for a long minute before saying, "I'll write an issue that's just Catwoman picking out a wedding dress." Scott's eyebrow shot up. He knocked James's hand away from his crotch as he asked, "And you think you can get Batman fan's to rave about it?"

Tom King tapped his hot dog on the bar, knocking loose the long line of ash that had accumulated over the long expanse of time he spent thinking about Scott's question. He took another sultry drag off his hot dog before saying, "Rave about it? They're going to fucking lose their minds over it." Tom winked ambiguously before stubbing out his hot dog and getting up from the bar. James Tynion IV watched him closely before turning back to Scott.

"So do you think he meant they'll lose their minds in a good way?" James reached out with a kerchief to wipe some mustard off the corner of Scott's lip. Scott thanked him before saying, "When has a Batman fan ever lost his mind in a good way? They're going to fucking hate it."

Rating: This was the best issue of Batman ever! You should seen the wedding dress Catwoman eventually picked out! She's going to look spectacular! There was also some writing crap about how characters change over the years but they don't really change unless they do really change but in ways that we don't notice since it takes so long for them to change and we, as fans, are too busy to notice because we're arguing about their costume changes.


The Curse of Brimstone #1
By Tan, Jordan, and Beredo

Rating: I hated this comic book from page one when it began "Everything burns." Because everything doesn't burn, Mr. Justin Jordan. The truth is that everything eventually stops burning. It's more true to say, "Everything freezes." At least on a cosmically ending note. Because it's more true than "Everything burns." Look, we all know everything isn't going to burn. I mean, a lot of stuff will as every sun in every solar system expands to consume most of the planets orbiting the star. But it won't expand enough to burn all of the planets! Unless all stars go nova when they die (which might be a thing smart people know for sure without checking up on Wikipedia. I suppose I could check and seem like a smart person but I'd rather not spend that time just to look up a simple fact all fifth graders know) and they consume everything everywhere. Maybe just before everything freezes, everything burns?

You know what? None of that even matters because I lied. I didn't hate this book from page one. I hated this book from the moment I picked it up off the shelf at the comic book store and thought, "Why am I buying this garbage?"

Oh! I just realized I was mistaken again! I didn't hate this comic book from the moment I knew I was going to buy it. I hated myself at that moment!

These new comics from the pages of Metal (and how they're supposed to be from that story, I still don't know) have been billed as comic books by the greatest artists working for DC Comics. You can tell that's true because these comics list the artist first in the credits. That's why I found it so surprising that the art in this comic book was terrible. I hated it more than I hated myself two weeks ago when I purchased this book. I suppose the argument can (and will) be made that the style fits the story. But I don't have time to be smart about stuff. I only have time to indulge my id. My ego and superego can go fuck each other.

The only good character in this comic book is killed within the first few pages. That's when I stopped reading because I had decided he was the protagonist. I don't care what happens to the rest of the small town characters just struggling to make ends meet while forces they have no control over threaten to destroy their humanity. I read enough of those stories in The New York Times.

In the end, the actual protagonist is somebody I have no sympathy for. He wants his small town that grew up around the coal industry to still exist in the same way it did before the coal was gone. He both wants his sister and himself to be able to leave the town but hates that everybody is leaving the town. He can't accept change unless that change means he's getting his. So he makes a deal with the devil to put himself in a position to help people. As if he couldn't have done that without the devil's special Brimstone powers. My guess is he'll eventually learn his lesson and use the powers to fight against the devil while using his normal abilities to help revitalize the town and help the old townsfolk who have no recourse but to stay in the dying, dead-end little town. I just won't be reading this comic book long enough to find out if that's what happens. I don't even know why I read this issue.


The Immortal Men #1
By Tynion IV, Lee, Benjamin, Williams, Friend, and Sinclair

Everything I said about hating myself for buying The Curse of Brimstone #1 goes triple for buying this book. But if I didn't buy this book, how was I going to finish the poster that comes on the backside of the fold-out cover?! Not that I can finish it anyway since I apparently didn't hate myself enough the week Silencer #1 came out. What was going on that day that I allowed myself to not buy a shitty comic book? I probably ate some vegetables that morning.

If you love comics about a chosen one who also happens to be a young person, you should pick up a dozen copies of this book. The young chosen one seems even more special since he's being hunted by all the world's immortals. Apparently their power and experience can't save the world. What they need is a fresh perspective! They need the wisdom of youth! The world is doomed unless young Caden Park can say, "But seriously, guys!" after which he'll proceed to youthsplain his plan to save the world. That plan will be full of heart which the immortals don't have enough of, being that they're old people who have constantly gotten everything wrong and that's why the kids must save the world.

Rating: Look, I knew I was going to hate this book when I saw Tynion IV's name on the cover so I can't pretend that the following is an unbiased review: this book was terrible. I've also admitted over and over again that I don't like Jim Lee's scribbled faces art, no matter how often DC tries to convince me that he's the greatest artist of all time. The only reason I bought this book is because I like Vandal Savage. But then I realized that I almost certainly won't like the character when he's written by Tynion. So not only will I not be purchasing The Immortal Men #2, I am going to discretely sneak this copy of #1 back on the shelves at my local comic book store. Reverse-shoplifting isn't a crime, right?

Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews!

Rain by Concrete Blonde
Does nobody care about regulating the power that musicians have to control and contort our emotions?! If hypnotism were real, I'm certain they wouldn't allow hypnotists twenty-four hour access to our minds via radio so that we all wind up acting like chickens. And yet musicians are allowed to manipulate our emotions on a near constant basis? It's insanity! I suppose it wouldn't be so bad if every song out there was uplifting bubble gum pop that simply perks you up or makes you smile. But what about songs like this one? How is it legal to musically recreate a loneliness and heartbreak so bleak that you want to kill yourself?! And has anybody done a study on how many mass killings were perpetrated by somebody who just heard a Rammstein song?
Grade: A.

Hang Wire by The Pixies
I came to The Pixies too late in life to really love them. I feel like they distilled the confused anger of a growing teen into potent two and a half minute doses. Maybe they were what I needed to break out of the years I spent crushing on someone not interested in me. Instead, fucking Robert Smith and The Cure coddled my pain and heartbreak and told me to live there, forever. Fucking assholes.
Grade: C.

Prettiest Cop on the Block by Alice Cooper
This song is from one of the albums that nobody ever talks about, Special Forces. It belongs to that run of late seventies, early eighties albums where Alice tried to incorporate a bit of new wave and punk into his sound. He was always a bit of a chameleon, tailoring many of his albums to the sound of the day. By the name of the song, you might guess that it's about a cross-dressing man in a role society often thinks of as masculine. What you might not guess, if you don't know a lot about Alice Cooper, is that he has a number of songs along this theme. He also has a song about an ex-football playing construction worker who loves Hollywood and dresses like a woman and a song about a transvestite truck driver (but then who doesn't have one of those? Weird Al has one too! And probably The Doors, right?). I like the driving bass line on this song but overall it's a bit of a dud. It's no surprise that most of Alice's late seventies songs aren't often played on the radio.
Grade: C-.

Interchangeable Knife by Electric Six
Sometimes I find myself thinking, "I don't have a headache and I really want one." On those days, I'm lucky to be an owner of this song! That might sound like a positive but it was actually a criticism couched in positive language! I'm a sneaky mother fapper! Although if you don't mind the headache from the first thirty seconds of this song, it slides into a sort of disco slash rave slash gay hiphop thing that won't cure the headache the first part gave you but might get you accidentally dancing. "Accidentally dancing" is the only way to describe how I dance.

It's not like the rhythm of the song changes at the thirty second mark. It's just that it sounds like somebody realized they were recording inside of a giant metal pan and quickly ushered the band outside of the pan to finish the song. They probably should have just rerecorded the first bit because now I have a fucking headache.
Grade: C+ (Lose the first thirty seconds and it's a solid B).

Been Down by Blue October
I suppose if I had to choose a song that gives me a headache and a song that makes me kill myself, I'd choose the headache. Of course when I'm down and out suffering from a migraine (which I just dealt with over the last 24 hours for the first time in a quite awhile, so I'm speaking from recent experience), I spend most of that time wishing I was dead. So maybe I'm wrong about choosing the headache and I'd rather listen to this song.

Actually, I would rather listen to this song because I love the way it sounds. If you can ignore the lyrics where the guy is telling the person he loves that she should understand why he's a big asshole, it might even make you feel good! I would probably sing this song at Karaoke but I still haven't found a place that has it. On the plus side, the new Karaoke place I'll be going to next seems to list "Hate Me" as one of their tracks! Maybe I'll record myself singing that so everybody can watch it and think, "What the fuck is going on here?"
Grade: A-.

This part isn't a review but it's still part of the musical corner! I still own the first mix tape I ever made (and it still plays (and I still have a vehicle with a tape deck!)). The first song on the tape is "Hello" by Lionel Richie which is a total stalker song and a weird way to begin a tape which was directly meant for a specific person although I never gave her the tape. So basically it begins, "Hey! I want to tell you that I love you! Now here are a bunch of other songs about how much I want to touch you!" The final song on the tape is "Like China" by Phil Collins which is a song about how careful Phil is going to be fucking the girl for her first time. So that's like not at all a weird song to stick on a mix tape for the girl you're crushing on, right? "Hello! I love you! Now we're going to fuck and I'll be super careful because I'm pretending it's your first time even though I'm sure it's not but it is my first time so I'm going to be really bad at it. Please love me anyway!"

What Am I Currently Reading?!

I just finished rereading Koji Suzuki's horror novel Ring. The reason I reread it is that, years after reading it, Powell's finally had a copy of the sequel, Spiral. Ring was a quick read so I knew I could breeze through it in a few days so the events would be fresh in my mind upon reading the sequel. It's a good thing I reread it because I certainly forgot a few major points, like how Sadako never actually crawled out of television sets like in the movie and how she had testicles and smallpox. The book was written in 1992 but seems to be commenting on modern Internet meme culture. I get that memes are just thought viruses and Ring's main plot point is that Sadako and Smallpox have a thought virus baby to enact vengeance on all the terrible people of the world (which are all the people). Maybe Koji had recently read Dawkins' The Selfish Gene which inspired this novel. Asakawa, the main character in the book, relies on a book about viruses and mankind to figure out how to break Sadako's curse (or, more accurately, to keep it going). Plus he and his cohort, Ryuji, discuss how viruses could be genes that have escaped our DNA to become free wheeling hippy genomes camping out on whatever gene couch will have them. Apparently there's a brand new fourth book in the series. My guess is that it will absolutely deal with the curse traveling along Internet memes.

Ring is one of those books I'd recommend for long flights. It's an easy read that holds your attention the entire way through. But if you're a young person who hates free speech, nazis, rape, and blunt assumptions of traditional gender based on sexual organs, you might have a couple of issues with this book. Those issues won't have anything to do with free speech or nazis though! You just have to wade through one main character occasionally bragging about raping women. But at least by the end, he gets his! That's a spoiler so try not to remember that if you're going to read this book. Also, it's unclear by the end whether or not he's actually ever raped anybody. I suppose that's not really the point though. The fact that he thinks he can make friends by admitting to having raped people probably makes him unlikable. You might also not like the main character since he knows about Ryuji's rapes since high school and has never turned him in nor stopped hanging out with him. Boy, if only I could have read this book in 1992 when everybody was totally cool with rape so that I wouldn't feel these conflicted feelings about the protagonist and his rapey friend.

The gender stuff just gets weird but I understand why Koji put it in there. He needed Sadako to think of herself as female so that she could long for a baby but also needed her to physically be male so that she couldn't have that baby. So Koji gave her Testicular Feminization Syndrome. It's almost as weird a beat as when the kids in It have a gang bang in the sewer so that they can lose their innocence and escape It's world. Sometimes writers shouldn't be allowed to come up with their own plot points.

I'm also up to Ogre, Ogre in my trudgingly trudging reread of Anthony's Xanth novels. I have to read them so I can finally discover what color her panties were in The Color of Her Panties which is where I stopped reading them because I couldn't be seen reading a book called The Color of Her Panties in high school! At least not if I wanted to get laid in high school! Not that I ever got laid in high school! But that certainly wouldn't have helped! Or maybe it would have? I bet some horny Xanth loving nerd girl would have totally been all, "Oh, you're into panties, are you?" Then I would have learned what finger banging was!

Letters to Me!

Anonymous Writes: (In response to me telling him, "You leave the worst comments! I can't believe how badly you misunderstand Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!") What's to misunderstand? It still doesn't change the fact about Lobo becoming the very thing he was supposed to condemn even before The New 52. Even worse, you are a reviewer who lets mediocre/below mediocre crap like the Rebirth Justice League of America get a pass all because it features a character you like.

My Reply: Oh man, Cullen Bunn...I mean Anonymous! You're so close to understanding the blog! But you're unable to realize the joke is the thing you describe because you always have to be the smartest guy in the room, don't you? I rarely quote people (unless I'm misquoting Shakespeare and attributing the quote to Yogi Bear) but I think this calls for a Patton Oswalt quote: "You will miss everything cool and die angry."

* * * * * * * * * *

KB Writes: (In response to me writing, "Most Americans think Bon Jovi was a huge punchline to the joke of '80s rock music.") 'Lost Highway' is my go-to song when it feels like life has stopped shitting on me and I can finally breathe again. I'm not necessarily about Bon Jovi all the time, but he has his moments.

My Reply: I don't know that song. I guess I don't know much Bon Jovi after Slippery When Wet. But I should rectify that because I know why Bon Jovi has been so successful for so long. You've seen his smile, right? That smile is his music. Sure, some of his songs shouldn't be sung with that smile. But deep down, we all love Bon Jovi because you know he's going to treat you like his best friend even if he just met you. Unless you just fucked his wife or daughter or Richie, of course. Then he'll probably be all, "Say goodbye to yesterday, bitch!" After which he'll get his ass kicked by you because — let's face it — we all know Jovi can't fight.

I found it interesting but not surprising that under the Wikipedia entry for Jovi's album, "Lost Highway," they listed his genre as "country rock." I bet my fifteen year old self would have been all, "You take that back! Jovi don't country rock! Jovi just rocks! 'Love is a social disease yeah yeah yeah!'" Then whoever just told my fifteen year old self that Jovi was country would be all, "Dude. Stop headbanging in my face. Your leather fringes almost put my eye out." But my forty-six year old self is all, "Oh yeah. I guess Jovi found his true calling after the Young Guns II soundtrack. Totally country rock."

What I'm trying to say is that I'd probably suck Jon's dick if he asked. Just to see that smile.

* * * * * * * * * *

KB Writes: (In response to me writing, "We also learn how Lister became a crew member and that his breaking of quarantine by smuggling the cat on board was done on purpose so he could be in stasis for the entire trip back to Earth.") Blasphemy! Cloister the Stupid was trying to protect The Holy Mother Frankenstein, not exploit her and possibly leave her to starve. What are you, one of the orange-hat wearers?"

My Reply: He didn't leave her to starve! He made sure she'd be locked safely away in the ventilation system where nobody would find her and where she'd have plenty of opportunities for stealing food from cargo. And that's not my orange-hat wearing speculation. It's all written down in perfectly serviceable smells in the holy book, Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers. You should try not to be so brainwashed.

* * * * * * * * * *

KB Writes: (In response to me writing, "I hate when people equate Jesus Christ Superstar with Godspell.") Oh don't get me wrong, I'm not equating the two at all! JCS good, GS bad. "Godspell" is way too precious and is an excuse for theater majors to embarrass themselves in a setting where nobody's allowed to mock them because that would be blasphemy. (And yet Jesus as a clown is neither blasphemy nor grounds for action from the Siegel and Shuster estates.)

My Reply: This is why I hate communicating on the Internet and why I have a rule of only responding to comments on my blog once (occasionally twice, if I'm feeling sassy and up to the mind-numbing drain of a discussion with an absolute moron (not that you, KB, are a moron! At least not an absolute one!)). Don't get ME wrong! I never thought you were equating Jesus Christ Superstar with Godspell! How could this conversation gone so far off the rails?!

Anyway, I do like your definition of Godspell.

* * * * * * * * * *

KB Writes: Boy wouldn't Superman feel stupid if he'd wiped out his powers "just in case", and then a meteor wiped out Metropolis.

My Reply: I guess that's why he never takes Batman seriously when Batman is all, "You're too powerful. You should cancel yourself." Superman is smart!

This doesn't remind me at all but I'm terrible at segues, I had a dream last week where my high school English teacher, Mr. Borror, was holding a class where we were discussing Jesus Christ Superstar and some poems I can't remember (Dammit! If I were better at segues, I would have introduced this during the replies about Jesus Christ Superstar! So dumb!). One of the people in the class was you, KB. I was really terrible at explicating the poem and couldn't even, in the dream, remember what it was about. So instead I decided to say some nice things about Mr. Borror and the people in the class. I said this about you, KB: "He's said some really sweet things in his emails." So there you go! Even my subconscious likes you! I think that means we're real boys now! I mean real friends!

* * * * * * * * * *

Anyway, that's all for now! I can't remember my sign off. I'm terrible at consistency. I think it had something to do with calling everybody twats or losers or something. Bye!

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #18 (First Week of April 2018)

E!TACT #18
Story Time!, Deadman #5, Kick-Ass #2, Cave Carson Has an Interstellar Eye #1, Justic League #41, Batman #43, Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews, and Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy!

STORY TIME WITH GRUNION GUY
"What If Pickle Boy Was the Writer and Grunion Guy Was the Assistant?"
By Grunion Guy

Grunion Guy was playing hockey like he loved to play because he was so physically fit. All the beautiful women were watching him and swooning. Also the ugly women who thought they had a chance with him because he was so sensitive and caring. He never pretended they weren't talking to him when they talked to him because some of them had really hot bodies. But then just as Grunion Guy was making the big play, he was hit in the head with the hockey thing! And even though Grunion Guy was super tough and rugged and manly, the hockey thing was hit with such tremendous force that it knocked him out for like no more than three seconds. But during those three seconds, he had the most horrific fantasy in his head!

[This is the part where the screen goes wavy and dark before opening on a brand new scene. Audiences should be a little bit confused but they've seen this kind of thing before, so you probably won't need to add a voice-over or captions to explain that we're now in Grunion Guy's fantasy!]

"Hey, dumby! Wake up and edit my new book, dumby!" Pickle Boy was standing over Grunion Guy, his bald head blinding everything around him which was a good thing because everything would be puking if they could see all of the sausage and egg bits that fell out of his breakfast burrito stuck in his goatee.

"Yes sir!" shouted Grunion Guy as he saluted and grovelled too. "I was just getting on that!" Grunion Guy sat up and glanced around for the book he was editing that had put him instantly to sleep. He finally saw the page on the floor, picked it up, and got back to editing it.

Eastworld
by Pickle Boy

"I am getting vacation!" sparked the protagonist who wasn't a robot. He robot danced to his suitcase and only malfunctioned twice on the way. "I go Eastworld today!" His name was Rob.

Tpn [svlrf yjtrr yord smf yep [sotd pg imfrterst/

"Oops!" thought Rob as he readjusted his fingers on the home row. "That's better!"

Rob decided to use the bathroom before catching the bus because that's what humans do. He pulled out his huge pecker which was totally a Mary Sue version of the writer's penis, just in case you weren't sure. Boy was it big! Pickle Boy big! It was the kind of pecker that peckers dream of having! Some would say it was the greatest and most human pecker of them all.

Before Rob could catch the taxi but after he had put his pecker away, the family pet died. It was so sad that the reader got super emotional. It really connected the reader to the story in a way that not having the family pet die doesn't do.

"Take me Eastworld," Rob told the train conductor. "Choo choo, righty-do!" said the Train Conductor. But then there was drama. "Wait. Are you sure you're a human? This train is only for humans!"

Rob smiled humanly. "What?! Of course I human! That almost insult but I think robots are nifty so then it complimentary!" Rob did the robot and winked. Choo-Choo the Train Conductor blushed. He could tell Rob had a great pecker.

The plane landed at Eastworld and Rob fell down the stairs. When he stood back up, half of his face hung off the metal frame but he hadn't noticed yet. But the audience noticed and were all shocked. This is dramatic irony! I learned about it from Grunion Guy who is the greatest writer of them all except when he's unconscious due to a hockey thing hitting his face.

"One ticket for human!" said Rob at the turnstile. The ticket taker was looking at the ticket in the way that ticket takers do. Then as the ticket taker handed the ticket to Rob, he saw Rob's robot skeleton. He screamed! Unless there have been too many male characters so far and then she screamed. Unless that's sexist and then I don't know what to do. Whoever directs the movie version can figure it out.

"What wrong?!" asked Rob, panicking as he did five million calculations in his head the way humans certainly must be capable of because wasn't he human? Wasn't he? Rob reached up and touched the part of his face that was hanging off the other part of his face. Then he felt the metal underneath and the horror dawned on him like the sun dawning on the day.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Rob as he fell to his knees in front of the Statue of Liberty sunk in the ground. "NOOOOOOOO!" The Eiffel Tower was also there and maybe a pyramid. "NOOOOOOOO!"

His last thought before he died of shock was this profound thought: how do any of us ever lmpe ejp er trs;;u strz@

The End!

Grunion Guy woke up because the story was so bad! All the hot girls and the ugly girls with the hot bodies and even some hot girls with gross body odor were standing around him. "Is his pecker okay?" one of them asked as she was trying to pull down his hockey pants.

"Wait!" yelled the referee! "Grunion Guy won the game because the hockey thing bounced off his face and into the score!" Everybody cheered and Grunion Guy's pecker was just fine.

The Real End!

Comic Book Reviews!

Deadman #5
By Neal Adams

Each of the previous four covers of Deadman have had some sort of gimmick to them. One glew in the dark. One had a see-through lion image. One had secret writing. One had The Spectre formed from other characters or something. I don't totally remember that one for sure.

This one is apparently an homage to Highlights for Children.

When I first saw this cover, I thought Neal Adams had finally finished having the stroke he started having while writing The Coming of the Supermen. "Deadman find Ra's al Ghul!" It's not like it was any less coherent than most of his tweets on Twitter. But then I realized the tagline was a command and spent all of three nanoseconds searching for Ra's al Ghul. Couldn't Neal have made it any harder? It's obvious that Ra's is up Deadman's ass.

Now comes the real chore: trying to understand what's going on in the fifth installment of this comic book. The first issue was really confusing because it was poorly written. But every subsequent issue has been exponentially harder to understand, both because I have to first comprehend what is going on and because I have to remember it too! It would probably help if I gave an ounce of shit about this story. I'm surprised I don't since I like DC's mystical characters. But Neal Adams isn't really writing about them. From what I can tell, he's just colored a whole bunch of dog turd bags the same color as Spectre, Etrigan, Deadman, and Zatanna.

Deadman uses the adjective "Brobdingnagian." I bet Neal Adams was jerking himself off while writing that line. "This won't be wasted on a bunch of illiterate comic book readers," he probably thought to himself as he jammed the butt plug a little further up his ass. I hope later, Deadman meets a horse-faced woman and uses the adjective "Houyhnhnmian."

Everybody is gathering outside Nanda Parbat for a reason I've completely forgotten to try to remember. No, that's a lie. I actively tried to forget to remember. That's different, somehow.

According to some samurai that I don't recognize, the army attacking Nanda Parbat (why is it attacking? I don't think Neal Adams explained that part. Maybe he explained it. But poorly) is composed of armorers, yeti, deformers, robotoids, zombies and, um, "stupid things." Checking my Who's Who comic, I don't find an entry on Stupid Things.

I wonder how Neal Adams writes a comic book in which he's also the artist. Does he do the art first, drawing whatever strikes his fancy, and then tries to make a coherent story out of the panels? Judging by how incomprehensible the entire story is, I wouldn't be surprised if that was his method. But even if he plans the story out, his dialogue is terrible. At one point, the samurai attacks a deformer and says, "Remove the bones before you swallow the fish, deformer. They tend to get caught in your throat." Why does he say that? What's he referring to? Does the samurai get his strength from giving out life hacks?

It took me way too long to understand why Doctor Fate said that last thing. But I still don't get why Neal Adams would write it.

Rating: This was one of those issues that gets shoved in when DC Comics demands a six part story from a writer who only has two to three parts in them. It's just a nonsensical brawl that keeps the characters from entering Nanda Parbat one issue too early. Plus the dialogue is worse than Pickle Boy's dialogue. I don't mean the dialogue he writes. I mean the dialogue he comes up with over a few beers. Talk about strokes!


Kick-Ass #2
By Mark Millar and John Romita Jr.

Today is new comic book day so let's count how many comic books I read last week. One! That was easy! It also might be telling. Is it time for me to stop reading comic books again? There are a handful I still enjoy, like Batman and The Wild Storm. But the main reason I can't stop reading comic books is that I'm afraid to break up with my comic book store again. It's too much pressure going in there and telling them to cancel my subscription box! Last time I cancelled back in 2003, Debbie acted hurt and shocked, as if it were something the comic book store had done. So I actually told her, "It's not you; it's me!" What excuse do I give this time?! Maybe I should just have the Non-Certified Spouse call up and tell them I died?

As of right now, I'm three weeks behind on my comic book reading. In a few hours when this week's books come out, I'll be a full month behind! I'm getting my ass kicked by comic books!

Oh! Speaking of ass kicking, I found my way back on topic! Let's just rate this thing and move on to the next one, shall we?

Rating: Patience steps up her Kick-Ass game by caring about the little guy. This is how you become a superhero in real life (because this comic book takes place in real life. You can't forget that. Not because you need to remember it to understand the comic book. You can't forget it because Millar constantly says things like, "This isn't like a comic book!" and "This isn't like in the movies!" and "This isn't like a book written by [Google famous author to put here before sending newsletter]!"). You begin due to desperate circumstances and then project your problems and needs on to everybody else. If extreme violence can solve your problems so easily, why can't that be used to solve all of the other people's problems too?! Nothing can go wrong with that philosophy, right?!

Anyway, it was pretty good. Not $3.99 good! But what can you do? Comic books are ridiculously priced these days. I guess you can stop buying them. But then you have to do that break-up thing and my stomach is hurting just thinking about it!


Cave Carson Has an Interstellar Eye #1
By Rivera, Oeming, and Filardi

The last Cave Carson series was about his impotence. It's a pretty sweet read if you're smart enough to figure that out. If you aren't as good at reading comic books as I am then you might have missed the significance of a man obsessed with drilling over and over again into deep caves. Now you're thinking, "Grunion Guy, that doesn't sound like impotence at all! Don't you know how to do it?" And I'm return thinking, "Pshaw! Of course I know how! Why would I even feel the need to write fake dialogues where I assure readers that I've totally done it a lot? So ridiculous!" Also you must not have read the series because it was about how Cave Carson couldn't spelunk anymore. I think "spelunk" is short for "sperm dunk" with an "L" added for some reason.

Since the first comic book's title was an anagram for "I c-ca-can see a very-y chaste boner," I bet this title has an anagrammatic clue as well! Let's see. Cave Carson Has an Interstellar Eye is an anagram of "An anal character's eye is never lost". Methinks I'm most of the way to figuring out what this comic book is really about!

Also I've apparently become one of those people who says "methinks!" Get me a fedora, stat!

Rating: It's weird in that way things are written when they want to be weird. That's a harsh critique and not a compliment. Also maybe it's not as harsh as it could be. Maybe it's not harsh at all? Anyway, that scathing review doesn't mean the comic book is uninteresting. It's just not as interesting as it was when it was about Carson's impotency. I'm not yet sure what this series is about. Maybe about loss and maturity? The entire thing might be about grieving the loss of one's favorite pet. That isn't as sexy as a limp ding-dong! But I'll probably give it at least one more issue.

P.S. I wrote the ranking before reading the back-up story. After reading the back-up story about Cave Carson's podcast, I can confirm the series is about loss. And still maybe about the loss of a pet! I'm sure I can force that view into the narrative.


Justice League #41
By Priest, Briones, and Cox

Rating: This comic book deals with super powered people and aliens and space travel that ignores physics and the Justice League trying to deal with international conflicts and the entire team's institutional racism yet the most unbelievable moment was when some guy was excited to see Aquaman. It took me right out of the comic book. Otherwise, it was a fun read! Especially the part where Wonder Woman was somehow shot. Priest doesn't think she blocks bullets simply because they can actually hurt her, right? Ignoring Kerry Callen's take on Diana's bullet bouncing, she probably deflects them in specific directions so that they don't bounce off of her body and kill an innocent bystander in the way they just bounced off of Superman and killed her. My guess is one went into her open mouth while she was yapping about saving children. I bet the inside of her skin isn't invulnerable. How else could she derive pleasure from fucking Steve Trevor?


Batman #43
By King, Janin, Petrus, and Chung

Rating: I haven't discussed the last few issues of Batman because I've simply been enjoying them. I suppose if there are people out there who can't stand King's Batman, I can't be bothered to mind. Contrary to the evidence presented in thousands of pages of comic book criticism over the last few years, I actually do understand what 'subjective' means. And I can live with people not liking Tom King's writing style because that means Tom King's writing style is there to be experienced. He reminds me why I once loved comic books. He doesn't write a person in a costume. He writes a character who happens to wear a costume. His dialogue is fun and serious and touches one in a way that I thought was a bad touch but I think it's actually the kind of touch most people crave. The current arc is a love story disguised as a villain taking over the world story and it couldn't be better. That's hyperbole because of course it could be better. All of the characters could be drawn naked and aroused.

Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews

Get Your Shit Together by Public Enemy
There's something incredibly Shakespearean about Public Enemy's music. It's like when Chuck D is rapping, you're all, "Fuck man. Fuck. This is profound! This is fucking American truth man! This is crazy." Then Flava Flav starts singing and you're all, "Oh yeah! This Shakespeare loved cock jokes too!" Mostly you forget Flava Flav is a part of this group when they're singing about serious shit like this. Occasionally you'll heave Flava Flav's high-pitched, sidekick exclamations ring out and I can't help laughing. Then I feel terrible because somebody might think I'm laughing at the serious lyric, "What you gonna do? What'ch you gonna do? If you'd been on that plane, both sides would've killed you too!" Mostly though, Public Enemy really understands when to play up Flava Flav and when to downplay him. He's barely even a blip in this song. I imagine he was just bopping along in the studio as this track was recorded without ever realizing his mic wasn't turned on.
Grade: A.

Never Say Die by Jon Bon Jovi
Most Americans think Bon Jovi was a huge punchline to the joke of 80s rock music. But we all know why Bon Jovi survived the death of that 80s hard rock genre; it was because he was a master of sex appeal and also wrote really catchy songs! This song is from the soundtrack to Young Guns II which was almost as good as the movie itself! This might be the worst song on the album (aside from the one without lyrics, "Guano City." Who listens to songs without lyrics?! What a waste of time!) and yet I still don't skip it when it comes up on my shuffle. Because even the worst of the best is still good! Some might say I'm a Jovi Lover and they have a right to their totally correct and non-spurious opinions. Let me share the glory of some of Jon's triumphs in lyrical beauty:

"Once I was afraid of love
But when it's your brother those things change.
Love is just another word for trust!
So hear me when I say, 'Never say, "Die!"'
'Never say, "No!"'
You got to look them in the eye and don't let go!"

Wow! That just gets right to the heart of sex shop glory hole culture! It's right up there with "Love is a Social Disease" and "Shot Through the Heart" (not to be confused with "You Give Love a Bad Name" which uses the lyric "shot through the heart")! I'm not sure why Bon Jovi included an anthem for living with and fighting AIDS in the Young Guns II soundtrack. But it works somehow!
Grade: B.

Saturday's Child by The Monkees
"You'll be called 'The Monkees!'"
"What? Why?"
"But not monkeys like you're imagining it! Monkees with two 'e's!"
"What? Why?!"
"You don't like it? The other three guys we're interviewing for the band probably love it! You should to!"
"Well, as long as we play catchy pop tunes that make all the girls go wild."
"You mean 'pretend to play!'"
"Wait. What? Why?!"

That's probably how Mike Nesmith's job interview went, right? Anyway, what about "Saturday's Child", you're probably thinking. Well, I'm probably thinking, "What about it?! It's kind of stupid." I don't even know what a Saturday child is supposed to be! Did people used to not only believe personalities were formed by astrological signs but by days of the week as well? What makes Saturday's child not break your heart like Thursday's child? Why is Wednesday's child so aloof?! And Sunday's child is way too into commitment. I guess Saturday's child is the one that will sleep with you on the first date and not care when you never call again. Is that love?

It's also a bit weird to be singing about loving a child.
Grade: D+.

Ubangi Stomp by Alice Cooper
This is Alice Cooper's version of an Elvis dance song. Alice Cooper did a lot of versions of other people singing songs that already existed. People don't realize this but Alice Cooper was basically Weird Al Yankovic drunk out of his mind. This song is from Lace and Whiskey which is an album that most people could hear any song from, be told it was Alice Cooper, and they would say, "Fuck you that's Alice Cooper." I guess maybe "Road Rats" or "It's Hot Tonight" wouldn't get that reaction. But that's just twenty percent of the album. Nobody would hear this or "My God" or "I Never Wrote Those Songs" or "King of the Silver Screen" or "You and Me" or "Damned If You Do" or "Lace and Whiskey" or "(No More) Love at Your Convenience" and think, "I know who sang that!" Except maybe "You and Me" since it was basically Alice Cooper's last big hit of the seventies and also because he sang it to Miss Piggy on The Muppet Show. This song is catchy and I would dance to it if I actually knew how to do the Ubangi Stomp. It probably involves a lot of stomping and racism.
Grade: B.

The Simpsons Halloween Special End Credits Theme ("The Addams Family" Homage)
I don't know why I haven't deleted this from my iTunes. I don't know why I haven't deleted all of The Simpsons special themes from my iTunes. Probably because I'm lazy. I'm not too lazy to hit skip every time one of them comes up on the Shuffle though. If you hear a "song" like this and think, "I need to hear more of that a lot of the time I'm living this finite life," then we don't have much in common. I mean music-wise! We probably have more in common in other ways, like how often we masturbate or how many burritos we can stand to eat in one day.
Grade: F.

What Am I Currently Reading?

This week, I finished reading Red Dwarf: Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers. Mostly it was a rehash of a few of the first series episodes with some minor and not so minor differences. Lots of the dialogue was the same in places but Red Dwarf's captain was a woman named Kirk rather than a bloated man with a pockmarked face. We also learn how Lister became a crew member and that his breaking of quarantine by smuggling the cat on board was done on purpose so he could be in stasis for the entire trip back to Earth. It was an easy and enjoyable read that actually made me laugh out loud in places which the television show doesn't really do any more. Well, maybe it does. But the way laugh tracks have aged makes viewing of old sitcoms really fucking difficult.
    What reading this book has taught me is that maybe the Xanth books aren't such quick reads after all! Either I'm not as big a fan of fantasy as I was at twelve when titillating descriptions of naked creatures caused me to take a short bathroom break (and that scene where Dor and Irene rip each other's clothes off in the moat in Centaur Isle probably fueled more bathroom breaks than any other bit) or the Xanth books just aren't as entertaining as I remembered them being. It's a slog to get through a Xanth book. I had to force myself to try to read at least one chapter every morning before bed (I work nights!). But I kept going back to the Red Dwarf book even when I could have been playing Fortnite! If you don't know what Fortnite is, that was meant as high praise!
   Next up on my to read list is Spiral by Koji Suzuki. It's the sequel to Ringu which everybody knows about. I think I'll reread Ringu first because it took so long to find the second book. Ringu was written in 1992 and it might be the best book on memes I'll ever read. Mostly because I'll never read another one.

Letters to Me!

KB writes: My mom took us to see Godspell on multiple occasions. ::shudder::

My reply: Ick! I hate when people equate Jesus Christ Superstar with Godspell. Although I think I owe my love of Jesus Christ Superstar to Godspell. At some point as a kid, I saw the end scene of the Godspell movie where Jesus Christ is crucified to a chain link fence by a bunch of clowns while the World Trade Center sits in the background mocking modern audiences. I was all, "What the heck was that?! It seems awesome!" The visual stuck in my head for years. I also knew the title song of Jesus Christ Superstar thanks to grocery store background music. I assumed the two were one and the same. After years of having that song and image stuck in my head, I eventually dug out my mom's VHS copy of Jesus Christ Superstar (taped from television, of course) and watched it. It was not the movie I remembered but I fell in love with it anyway. I loved the music and was fascinated by the sympathetic take on Judas.

Eventually I watched Godspell as well and was not taken in the same way. I also saw Godspell at least once in the community theater version because my friend Doom Bunny was doing the lights for it.

KB:

"took nine hundred and ninety nine comics but Superman finally realized that throwing criminals into the Phantom Zone was a dick move. His first (and possibly only?) step in correcting this attitude is letting Hank Henshaw out. After which Superman immediately imprisons him in an Inertron cell (unless it's Adamantium) and puts him into a hallucinatory state so he won't cause trouble. Jurgens seems to be telling this tale to show that Superman is too good to be corrupted like, in the other half of the story, Sam Lane fears."

So, using Black Mercies is evil, but a hallucinatory condition isn't? Though there is an interesting discussion to be had about whether it's merciful to let people live in blissful delusion. Even if you were to construct a hallucinatory setting where Hank Henshaw could grow as a person until he decided to foreswear evil, what happens when you yank the rug out from under him and tell him it's all been a lie? I guess that's an argument about practical application more than about morality, but it's still a question.

"Although, to be fair in a fairer way, Superman's foes always seem to escape from the Phantom Zone just like Batman's enemies escape Arkham. So Superman can either follow the law and the villains he captures will still escape, or he can imprison people illegally while they still manage to escape. Since nobody can keep a comic book villain locked up, Superman should at least choose the option that doesn't make him look like a fascist."

Gold kryptonite used to be a solution, yet Superman almost never used it. "Look, you lived your whole life on Krypton without super powers, you can live here on earth just fine without powers too. Trust me, you'll love the Denny's Grand Slam. And you can probably get rich going into tech companies. Stay away from Lex Luthor though, he'll probably want to vivisect you."

Me: Basically, I think DC's view is that if Superman does it, it's okay. If some other character who we aren't told by DC that everybody but Batman and Lex Luthor can trust implicitly for some reason does it, it's terrible and should be stopped immediately. That Gold Kryptonite solution seems particularly troublesome and hypocritical. If Superman thinks Kryptonians who abuse their powers don't deserve them, shouldn't he take the same hard line on himself? As soon as he realizes that he's constantly being manipulated to use his powers against Earth through magic or hypnosis or Joker serum or Doomsday viruses, shouldn't he also expose himself to Gold Kryptonite so he loses his powers forever? I suppose he has an imaginary whiteboard in the Fortress of Solitude where he keeps a list of all the pros and cons of keeping his powers. Once that list tips too far into the cons, he probably has a Gold Kryptonite suppository set aside.


Upright writes: Did you ever check out Anthony’s Bio of a Tyrant series? The only thing I remember is that Jupiter was the U.S., Saturn was the USSR, and Earth was India (weird). And a missile crisis, because Saturn, of course. And the guy was a tyrant but totally misunderstood like so many of them are! We can’t think beyond the present unless you can and then you’re Philip K Dick and he’s crazy until he’s absolutely not at all.

My reply: I never did pick that up. Which is weird because I read almost everything else Anthony churned out (for some reason. Let's not be too hard on twelve year old me! He may have been a smelly, know-it-all jerk but...well, maybe we should have all been harder on him, actually). Maybe since I'm reading all of his terrible stuff again, I should read some of his terrible stuff that I never read before!

Speaking of Philip K. Dick, I'd read more of his stuff but I can't remember what I've read of his and what I haven't. I really should have kept a list. Since he became so popular again in the whatever years he became really popular again, publishers seem to reissue his stuff over and over again. It's hard to tell when I see a bunch of new covers which ones I've read. Maybe I should just hit the library and go through them all. Then when I recognize I've read one, I can just return it without costing me anything! Except for the late fee I'll almost certainly accrue.

And that's a wrap on this week's newsletter! Goodbye, jerkos!

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #6 (Third Week of January 2018)

 

E!TACT! #6
Doomsday Clock #2, The Demon: Hell is Earth #2, Detective Comics #971, Suicide Squad #32, Justice League of America #21, Action Comics #994, and Letters to Me! 
By Grunion Guy

Doomsday's Cock #2
By Johns, Frank, and Anderson

The top of Lex's head has the skin of a David Finchian female superhero.

In the world where this comic book actually did turn out to be the comic book I thought it was going to be (you know, Doomsday's Cock), this cover would be Doomsday ramming his huge member so far down Luthor's throat you'd see the outline of the head of Doomsday's cock through Lex's belly. Instead we get Lex steepling his hands while he contemplates The Button and Ozymandias jerks off with his right hand.

Last issue, the world learned that it had three hours left to kiss its ass goodbye because the nuclear missiles were in the air. If you're reading this from Hawaii, you now know that feeling. On the plus side, according to Fight Club, everybody in Hawaii will pursue their best life now that they know it all can end at any second. Not that we don't all know that already. It's just that we spend all of our time trying to distract ourselves from that knowledge. What else is popular entertainment for other than to keep our minds occupied so that they don't dwell on that which they can't help but dwell on when your phone screams an emergency alert and says, "Dude. You're about to fucking die. Deal with it."

At one point in some universe that might be The New 52 because this story is all about washing Johns' and DiDio's and Lee's hands of that mess, Bruce Wayne undergoes a psychological evaluation for Wayne Industries.

This is obviously a circle jerk.

Ozymandias, The New and Improved Rorschach, The Marionette, Mime, and Nite Owl's ship (which I'm assuming is just called The Owl?) have followed Dr. Manhattan to The New 52. I suppose I should call it Rebirth since they're the same universe. Rebirth is just The New 52 with a guarantee to the butthurt fans that Tim Drake will get to continue to fuck Stephanie Cluemasterberg while white Wally West watches. I can't help thinking of it as The New 52 though because that's the universe that needs to be fixed. Rebirth didn't really change The New 52 in any real way. It just said to the audience, "Look. We know we fucked up. So from here on out, characters will begin to acknowledge the past we were pretending they didn't have. And we'd like you all to just accept it because eventually you'll just forget that we ever said none of that shit ever happened. As we do this, we'll think up a story to make sense of all this bullshit since you're all fucking continuity and canon addicts without a shred of whimsy or joie de vivre."

If anybody was still wondering who were the two smartest people ahead of Mister Terrific because they're fucking idiots, this issue reveals that #1 is Lex Luthor and #2 is Bruce Wayne. What about the new Power Girl? She seemed pretty smart. And Tim Drake? Isn't he supposed to be the geniusiest genius ever? I know I'm forgetting about five dozen other heroes since every single fucking teen hero seems to be portrayed as some kind of genius. I think the only heroes that are canonically not the brightest bulbs are Booster Gold, Blue Beetle (the new, young one!), Hal Jordan, and Guy Gardner. Although now that I think about it, most Earth Green Lanterns aren't ever portrayed as being overly intelligent. John Stewart was probably the smartest Earth Green Lantern right up until somebody decided he should be known more for his military service than his brains.

Ozymandias speaks with Lex Luthor and Johns spends almost no time trying to make himself look way smarter than Alan Moore.

First off, Ozymandias never said he was surprised. Second, the alien threat wasn't meant to keep everybody united. It was meant to end the conflict ramping up to nuclear Armageddon. It was the first step toward creating a new Utopia. It gave pause to the world's aggression which Ozymandias would take advantage of to begin the next phase of the plan to keeping world peace. He even says as much. But I guess it's always easier to simplify and misrepresent your opponent's argument so that you can tear it down all the easier. Third, I just felt like I needed three statements.

I have a friend (not Soy Rakelson!) who does this thing where he acts confused at somebody else's point to try to make it seem like the other person's point was stupid or unclear. I've always felt that gambit made him seem like the dumb one. I remember a time when somebody might misunderstand an argument but the person making the argument could clarify what they meant and the person who misunderstood would say, "Oh! Okay, I get it now. Never mind that other mean shit I just said about your mother and how many penises she can fit in her body at once." Now it seems that people purposefully misunderstand every statement made by everybody they simply don't agree with so that they can scream at them and call them gross monsters or lib-turds (which, I think, is the conservative political correct version of lib-tard (wait. Do conservatives have political correct versions of things?!)). Now, even if you clarify your point, the people on the other side of the argument simply assume you're making excuses for the thing they decided you said but didn't. They never stop believing you meant the thing they pretended to believe you didn't say.

After reading what I just wrote, you're probably thinking, "Your mother can put ten penises in her at once?" I know I don't write clearly so I don't mind when people misunderstand something I said. There's a section of the left-leaning populace that are so earnest that they can't help but get angry at me. I don't think anything is sacred and that can cause problems with people who think practically everything is sacred. Facetiousness must be the opposite of earnestness, right?

The issue ends with Batman and Rorschach not immediately getting in a fist fight even though Rorschach has invaded the Batcave. That part is actually more surprising than the return of The Comedian as he saunters into Lex Luthor's office, putting a bullet meant for Ozymandias's head into Luthor's ribcage.

Rating: Once again, not one whiff of Doomsday's Cock. Terrible.


The Demon: Hell is Earth #2
By Constant, Walker, Hennessy, and Sotomayor (Was this comic book written by alcohol?)

Here is a list of the poor choices made in this comic book:

1. Jason Blood gets to be an incorporeal sidekick to Etrigan when Etrigan is let loose. I like when he wound up in Hell. It was better when they couldn't speak to each other. But I guess this is a product of modern comic books. It's more psychologically interesting to have the two halves interact. Etrigan and Jason Blood are sort of like Scully and Mulder. Except in Etrigan and Blood's case, I actually do want to see them fuck.
2. Jason Blood can't stop mentioning how Etrigan is much bigger than he's been in the past. My theory is the artist figured Etrigan was bigger and the editor didn't want to make him redraw the comic book so he forced the writer and/or letterer to insert mentions of the disparity to quiet the inevitable Internet Actually Nerds.
3. Etrigan only rhymes occasionally and his rhymes generally rely on mentioning that he's rhyming or reciting poetry. I don't mind when Etrigan spouts off a terrible rhyme or two when the writer is forced to make all of his dialogue into rhymes. But when the writer gets to choose to make Etrigan rhyme when he wants to? Make those fucking rhymes magical, asshole. Nobody's forcing you to do it.
4. Madame Xanadu wasn't killed off.
5. Jason Blood threatens to say cute and adorable things to Etrigan if Etrigan doesn't follow Blood's lead. And Etrigan chooses to be cowed by this tactic! At least for nineteen pages which makes me suspect that Constant's outline for this series has about six steps and those are all just the final page of each issue. Everything else is blathering filler.
6. The story, so far, isn't really going anywhere. A portal to Hell opened in Death Valley and shit is going down. That shouldn't take two issues to explain. After two issues, I should have a much firmer grasp on why this is happening. I'm so tired of comic books thinking the way to hold the attention of the reader is to withhold most of the story. You know what makes readers more interested in pursuing a story than making them wonder what the fucking story is? Giving them great bits of the plot the entire way through the story. As a six part comic book, this should have six chapters that build up to the final confrontation. Instead, it seems like we're going to have five chapters that hint at something happening. I guess the mystery is supposed to get me on the edge of my seat instead of making me yawn and consider surfing the Internet for pornography. Intelligent, non-creepy pornography where the two (or more!) actors spend at least ten minutes engaging in a way that ensures everything is consensual and everybody is having a pleasant time no matter how much blood and viscera wind up on the sheets afterward.

Now here is a list of the things the comic book does right:

1. Etrigan puts the "demon" back in "demonstration."
2. Etrigan burns a little girl to death with his Hellfire breath. That was a rhyme. Also, I'm sure the little girl won't actually be dead next issue. The barn owl will probably save her life somehow.

Rating: Well, you know, it's an Etrigan comic book. Something there is inside me that insists on my purchasing it, no matter how terrible it might be. I'm a fucking Etrigan Fangender and I hate myself for it. He's almost as great a character as Lobo!


Detective Comics #971
By Tynion IV, Mendonça, Egea, and Wright

Why does DC continue to let James Tynion IV write a major Batman comic book when he seemingly hates the entire concept of the character? It's entirely possible that I'm wrong (although I only say that to make it seem like I'm less arrogant than I really am) and this First Victim stuff will all wind up being an examination of how the people "Tumblr critical" of Batman have completely missed the point of him. Is Batman a rich white male that punches mentally ill people in the face? Yes, of course he is! But those mentally ill people are generally in the process of trying to harm the citizens of Gotham and/or make real estate values fall through the floor (which is sometimes good, depending on whether those properties are owned by Wayne Real Estate and Skylight Repair). It's not as if Bruce Wayne runs the Arkham Asylum and he is responsible for how the patients are ultimately treated there. Is it really his responsibility to make sure the place is engaged in rehabilitation rather than torture? Is he supposed to not spend his money on crazy crime fighting technology and instead bore himself silly using that money to help fix society's problems rather than the symptoms?! That's not fair to expect him to do things the way his critics want him to do them.

I suppose an argument for Tynion IV not espousing the First Victim's actual philosophy is that the First Victim has already killed a bunch of cops in his anti-Batman protests. He's not the hero of the book either. And neither is Anarky or Tim Drake. But you can see the field of characters narrowing down to the person Tynion IV seems to be most focused on. You have the conflict between Batman and the First Victim being the outer edges of the funnel. They're sort of the two sets of grandparents in the family tree (Batwoman probably acting as Batman's counterpart (while her father and his military attitudes are of the generation above that (I guess Jacob would be the Boomer, Batman/Batwoman would be Gen Xers, and Tim Drake/Anarky, the Millennials))). The parents would be Tim Drake on one side and Anarky on the other. This allows the spotlight to fall on Spoiler, the main character of this comic book. She represents the clear-minded next wave Millennial feminist who's going to call out everybody else's gross and problematic behavior.

Gosh! Is she talking about The First Victim or Batman?!

Batman stories have a history of pitting Batman against somebody who is a warped mirror of himself. This story isn't any different. The First Victim is an apt sobriquet for Batman himself (as Spoiler makes clear in the above panel in which she's not really being clear (or subtle!) about who she means at all!). In their motives, each of them wants to make Gotham safe from random acts of violence perpetrated on innocent civilians. They simply disagree on how that can be accomplished.

Moving down the family tree, Anarky and Tim become the next set of warped mirrors. Tim is all about safety through control and Anarky is all about unsafety through uncontrol. Or something. You probably understand what I'm trying to say! And if not, just trust me! They're mirror images of each other! It's why Spoiler is all, "Do I want to fuck the one guy who needs to control everything or the other guy who needs to control everything? The choice is so hard!"

And finally there's Spoiler who sees everybody's errors, points them out, and then feels pretty fucking good about herself for coming up with so many hot takes. Now that's a hero for the 21st Century!

Mayor Akins must be a Judas Priest fan. It's "another think," asshole.

Ranking: I wrote most of this after having only gotten to the "another thing" panel so I have to say that my spirits were uplifted a bit when Batman goes in to face the problem himself because the Mayor and Jim ask him to. And he deals with it the way he's always capable of dealing right until Clayface emerges as a maniac once again. But this time, he's been trained in combat by Batman! Also he's well practiced on his Shakespeare, thanks to Cass who will probably need to save the day. Because the kids are the important aspect of this comic book. Batman can't win out alone! That would be sending the wrong message about older generations and the Patriarchy!


Suicide Squad #32
By Williams, Eaton, Faucher, and Lucas

I know I mentioned I was going to stop reading this but, deep down, I'm a typical comic book fan. I want to love the Suicide Squad because I loved it so much at one point in my life which means I'll put up with the shit they continue to serve me. They aren't even trying to fool me anymore about how shitty this comic book is. You'd think they'd at least serve me the shit underneath a beautiful antique silver serving tray delivered by a posh butler whose pants are so tight I can see what's for dessert. I keep hoping that one day I'll arrive at the comic book store and my reserve box won't be emanating a monstrous wave of stink lines. One day, I'll arrive and I'll think, "What's that?! Is that the smell of lavender body lotion indicating a freshly scrubbed and thoroughly cleaned out butthole? I'm so intrigued!" Then I'll discover that DC has finally put a new writer on this comic book, one that respects the characters and has a vision for what the Suicide Squad can be. That's the opposite of Williams who treats every character like a fucking joke and can't be bothered to exam any themes other than "What would life be like if you had a brain bomb in your head that wasn't actually a bomb but an electric field generator while a power hungry mad-woman was in control of the bomb's dimmer switch? And also what if you were a crazy person who wasn't really crazy or a dull-witted monster or an Australian who is constantly shitting himself or whatever other boring characters make up the current roster of this terrible comic book?" Was that a theme or was that just me rambling? I might also be confusing this book with Titus Andronicus.

Spoiler Alert: I've never read Titus Andronicus so I probably wasn't confusing it with that at all. Is that really a spoiler or was that just an edifying comment? Maybe it was a twist ending!

Since I enjoyed making that list for The Demon: Hell is Earth #2, I'm going to give the Suicide Squad (which, for the sake of consistency, I probably should have put in italics. I mean, it would have taken less time than this parenthetical reference, at least) its own list of terrible moments from this issue.

1. Killer Croc is a nearly illiterate, barely intelligible cannibal. Remember when Batwoman tried to make him dignified and interesting? Then remember when DC was all, "No, no. He's gross. Make him stupid." Even fucking Scott Lobdell treated Killer Croc better than this and Scott Lobdell can't even be trusted to fill out a Mad Libs correctly. "Adverb? Is that a verb from a Pepsi commercial?" That was my impression of Scott Lobdell doing Mad Libs! Most of you probably understood that but I know Doom Bunny might read this, so I definitely needed to explain it.
2. A "Phantom Zone Wave" is subsuming everything it comes into contact with. If it continues, it will trap the entire universe in the Phantom Zone. But it apparently can't move past the walls of the vault it began in. I'm not sure why this bothers me since this is a comic book. How am I to understand the physical attributes of a wave of Phantom Zone energy?! I'm still boggled by the simple phrase "Phantom Zone Wave."
3. Karin Grace is flying the Red Wave Beast (what is Williams' obsession with waves?) into the heart of the sun. Nobody is concerned with how long this will take because remember that thing I said in the last point about this being a comic book?
4. By being this terrible, this comic book makes me hyper-aware of how foolish I look being critical of a stupid fucking superhero story in which maybe 10% of anything ever written is realistic anyway. Nightwing once drove a motorcycle up the outside of a skyscraper and I was all, "I could probably do that."

5. I hate how after reading this panel, I instantly turned into an Actually Nerd and yelled at the comic book, "No! You're accelerating too fast, jerko!"

6. Even if I believed Karin Grace's ship was capable of reaching the sun in a matter of mere moments, I now also have to believe that the tiny shuttle containing the Suicide Squad could travel there even faster so that they can save Karin before her ship hurtles into the sun. This comic book has me Actuallying so fast my head is doing the Macarena.
7. The Suicide Squad battle the Red Wave Monster in space just a few miles (or yards? Who knows how close they are! Does it matter at this point?) from the sun. This is the kind of job even the Justice League would have trouble with. But I'm supposed to believe a few boomerangs, a samurai sword, an oversized mallet, and Killer Croc with his physical powers completely useless because he's in a space suit are going to battle this thing? This is another one of Rob Williams' problems. He doesn't give a shit about the scale of the story. The Suicide Squad has only two actual super powered people on the team: Enchantress and El Diablo. You don't send these idiots into space simply because they work for you and they're expendable. Is Waller just sitting back thinking, "Okay, the world needs to be saved. And I have this roster that doesn't make any sense at my beck and call. So I'll send them even though they're completely unfit to do the job because who cares if they die, right? Except that if they die, they fail the mission and the world ends. I should probably put a better, more space-capable team together. But that would mean doing more work and I'm a fat, lazy bastard! Good bye, world!"
8. In the end, Katana kills the Red Wave Monster with her samurai sword. Couldn't that have been done back on the moon? Did everybody have to nearly burn to death but not burn to death at all because, I mean, come on! The sun isn't that hot, right? Total fake news.
9. Nobody dies. Not one person. Ever. But as long as the writers and editors keep reminding everybody that Task Force X is nicknamed the Suicide Squad for a reason, we'll all continue to believe that, one of these days, one of these stories might have some kind of consequences.

Ranting: This book should be called Fake Suicide Attempt For Attention Squad.


Justice League of America #21
By Orlando and Byrne

This issue isn't worth discussing because Lobo only appeared on the final page. Although that one page might be worth mentioning.

My Gaydar is going fucking mental!

Action Comics #994
By Jurgens, Thibert, Scott, and Hi-Fi

Dan Jurgens isn't smart enough to be writing time travel stories. This is disappointing because he created Booster Gold, a time traveler, and insists on using him in a high percentage of his writing gigs. I was going to say "75% of his writing gigs" but I didn't do the research and didn't want to be called out on my statistics. Sometimes my love for truth and science butt up against my love of hyperbole and facetiousness.

And yes, my only qualification for high intelligence is being able to write an entertaining time travel story.

Booster Gold is concerned that Superman has changed time by traveling back in time (and space!) to just before Krypton blows up. Booster Gold's evidence is that everything on Krypton is completely different when Superman arrives. But how did Superman's arrival at a point in Krypton's past change that point's past of Krypton? Maybe I just don't understand how temporal anomalies work being as how they aren't real things.

Oh, apparently it all has to do with time cracking like a mirror when Doctor Manhattan took Jor-el from Krypton. Which means it isn't Superman's fault at all. So Booster Gold changes his theory and says Superman is making a concrete bridge between hard time and soft time.

Maybe Dan Jurgens is even dumber than I suspected.

It all leads to naught but Superman having a broken heart for a timeline that never existed and should never have existed but Booster shows it all to him anyway. What a dick. They wind up in the 25th Century where the story will continue to be as dumb as ever.

Rating: I'm really only reading this so I can get Issue #1000 in my reserve box at my comic book store.


Letters to Me!
Hi, I was wondering if Dwarf Lover would be getting an update soon or just be able to continue at all? Although I don't really have experience with Warhammer I find the comic to be really funny and I love the humor and references. It'd be a shame for me if it would stop especially since I was really looking forward to read chapter three. Hope you get to see this email and send a reply.

Regards,
Lol No

Oh, it'd be a "shame for you"? Why are you so narcissistic, Lol No? You'd ask me to dedicate hours and hours and hours and hours (many hours! The most hours!) of my time so that you can experience a brief bit of pleasure in this gigantic dirty butthole of an existence?! Although, now that you mention it, I do miss doing the comic. And shouldn't I simply care about the pride it gives me to write something that gives so much pleasure to so little people? I mean, the amount of people who appreciate it is so small! You know how some comedy is broad but so stupid that you sometimes wonder why you laughed so hard at it throughout your twenties? My humor is the opposite of that. Nobody laughs at it in their twenties. My target audience is three junior high school girls from Missouri (who are now in college! Can you believe that?! I'm so proud of them!), a smattering of British folks, and the guy who wrote the next letter who lives in Shithole, Ohio. Whoops! Sorry, I meant Cleveland. Did I have to clarify? Ha ha! Just kidding! I kid, Cleveland!

Although, let's get serious for a moment. How interesting can your city be if your football team is named the Browns? It makes picking teams for the football pool on Sunday impossible because how do you know if a "Brown" can defeat a Dolphin? I mean, I'm fairly certain a "Brown" can't beat a Jaguar or a Texan. But can they beat a 49er or a Seahawk?

Anyway, this is all it takes to move a mountain, people. Every time one person mentions how they miss Dwarf Lover, it revs up the "writing Dwarf Lover in my head" machine and I begin to obsess over putting out the next part of the story. And there is an arc to the next Chapter. It's not just a bunch of dumb scenes slapped together based on encounters in a thirty-five year old Dungeons and Dragons module! I mean, it's mostly that. But more too!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

KB writes: Found it in me spam folder again!

Me: I really can't argue with your spam filter.

KB: Thanks for the kind words. For what it's worth, I'm convinced that you're like twice as smart as me, at a minimum. Besides the fact that you read actual books and use vocabulary that I have to look up, you also regularly make comic book insights that I don't even properly understand until days later. Hell, there are times I read something you wrote, and weeks later I think I came up with the idea and I'm proud of myself for being so smart.

Me: I almost edited this out and replaced it with a drawing of us blowing each other.

KB: Between the two of us we could keep DC Comics on the straight and narrow, if they gave us a chance.

Me: Well, maybe you could. I feel I might steer DC into a weird territory with a niche audience. I'm not sure there are that many fans who want to read about Superman's butthole fetish or Catwoman's daily grooming routine. No wait. I'm sure the majority of DC's readership want to know about the Catwoman thing. And Superman would really be into that one part of her routine! Spoiler: it's the part where she licks her butthole!

KB: Was thinking about that Talia / Selina sword fight you mentioned. Another dimension to it, perhaps: Talia doesn't give things up voluntarily, she can only be defeated. The sword play was the opportunity to get information from Selina, but it was also the excuse by which Talia could say, "you win". Had Selina not been able to plead her case persuasively, Talia would have whupped her and told her to take a hike. But since Talia was satisfied with Selina, she gave in.

Me: That's probably what I meant to say.

KB: Hoping your Christmas was good! Things were calm here, I liked it. The skill I'm working on mastering this year: picking locks! I am starting to realize that padlocks are a scam, since even a piker like me can pick many of them with just a little practice.

Me: Oh. I see what you're doing. You're gathering all the skills you're going to need to be a late stage super villain. Although I think your choice of bow and arrow might have been a short-sighted decision. By the time you're ready to break into bank vaults, the police will be better armed than the American military. Maybe you should learn to be invisible next year.

KB: Also, I've been losing weight, pretty simply and without messing up my lifestyle too much. You ain't no fatty but if you know any, I got tips I would be happy to share.

Me: I currently need to lose the thirty pounds I put on grief eating when Judas died. I hope your tips are "lots of cocaine and masturbation" because I could probably follow those. Well, maybe not the cocaine part. Can I substitute chocolate instead?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Those are all the letters! I'll have to dig up some old letters soon if I don't get any by next week! I've got some pretty good ones but I don't know if they'd make sense in the context of this Newsletter. The Dwarf Lover one doesn't really make sense but I got it last week and I shrugged and thought, "Why not?" That, by the way, is my life philosophy. I shrug a lot and say "Why not?" or "I can't be bothered." Then I sit around wondering why humans live so long.