Superman: Year One: Book Three

Here's the back cover instead because I misread it as "We serve one purpose: Jesus," and I was ready to accept that.

Now that Frank Miller wrote Superman into a relationship that's going to fail last issue, do we need to spend half of this issue reading about the break up? Shit. Now I wish Gertrude Stein had done a Superman: Year One in the style of her short story, "Melanctha." That would be a Clark Kent I could really identify with. Constantly unsure about the life he truly desires, he spends most of his time complaining that his current life isn't it until he finds himself alone and unloved with all of his potential squandered. I guess it wouldn't be a great Superman book. But it would at least be true to the Superman I would wind up being.

My hope is that Lori becomes dissatisfied with Clark's sexual techniques and kicks him out of Atlantis. Then she tells Aquaman all about it. Aquaman's knowledge of how bad Superman is at boning then becomes the only reason Aquaman makes it into the Justice League. Superman spends years defending Aquaman as a good choice until, completely weary and humiliated for having gone to bat for the undersea joke that Aquaman is, Superman finally admits to fucking poorly so he can stop pretending to admire Aquaman.

The issue begins with Lois Lane piloting a submarine as she searches for Superman in mythical Atlantis. But then there's a terrible accident which Frank Miller describes with the pathos and gravitas the situation demands.

Due to the amount of lava and debris, I would have gone with "sharts."

Superman saves Lois Lane from dying under the ocean which probably means she's going to reward him with her big city sexual prowess. But before Superman can accept his reward for being a nice guy, he has to defeat a troop of Navy SEALS who have come to capture him. So everybody's looking for Superman now because he showed off a few too many times while training in the Navy and his commanding officer became jealous that the mermaids let Clark fuck them. So Superman's big enemies are the god Poseidon and the American military, both because Lori Lemaris chose to fuck Superman instead of them.

You might think I'm concentrating too much on Superman fucking the women he saved, and people being upset that they didn't get to fuck those women. If you are thinking that, it's probably because you haven't actually read Frank Miller's Superman: Year One. You'd totally understand that it's not me who is obsessed with Superman getting laid for fighting for truth, justice, and the American Way (honorably discharged version). It's apparently the entire theme of Frank Miller's Superman story.

I just realized that I was going to make a Batman sucking Superman dick's joke based on the cover but then I didn't scan the cover. Oh well! Lesson learned!

Any time somebody says, "Lesson learned," you should immediately ask them, "Oh? What was that then?" I bet most of the time, they won't be able to explain how they learned anything.

The good thing about the cover of Book Three is that it was drawn by Frank Miller. And no matter what you think of Frank Miller's art, you have to agree (or at least better agree or we're going to have a problem) that it's better than John Romita Jr's art and better than Frank Miller's writing.

After beating up the Navy SEALS and rescuing Lois Lane, Clark Kent winds up graduating from college and interning at the Daily Planet. Don't ask me what happened to Lori Lemaris and Atlantis! I guess it was such a terrible break-up that even Frank Miller doesn't want to write about it.

You can tell how dumb a person is by how much they defend Trump and blame the mainstream media. The fucking mainstream media bends over backwards not to point out just how fucking ignorant Trump is about everything!

Stepping away from the comic itself for a moment, here's what John Romita Jr had to say about this comic book after it was announced amidst a lot of "eye-rolls and groans" at San Diego Comic-Con. "The cynics that don't like my artwork or Frank's work were everywhere on the social media. Now we'll see what they have to say, because this is damn fresh, and I'm really proud of it." Well, I didn't have anything to say about it before reading it. I even bought it mostly knowing that I wasn't going to enjoy it even though I always hope that I enjoy everything I purchase as entertainment! Why else would I bother if not to hopefully be surprised and elated? Well, let me tell you, I was not surprised nor elated. Superman in the Navy might be fresh but it's also pretty fucking stupid. The whole idea was that Superman would join the Navy so he could see the world? But then he spends his entire time training in California where he learns he doesn't want to kill people after battling pirates in the Pacific waters off of the coast of California? Also he fucks mermaids during that time because why the fuck not? Now imagine reading all of that while looking at John Romita Jr's terrible facial expressions. The announcement of this comic book with this creative team should have garnered a lot more than groans and eye-rolls. There should have been jerking off motions as well.

Working at the Daily Planet with Lois Lane (who, if you remember from the part where I said she wants to fuck him, wants to fuck him), Clark Kent realizes he needs a disguise. So Frank Miller makes sure to explain how the hat and glasses work as a disguise. The hat "changes his silhouette" and the glasses are just "the geek factor" he needs. The whole "dress to unimpress" angle is the disguise. Fucking bullshit. We all know that the glasses and the outfit are the least part of the disguise. He needs to discuss how he changes his posture, how he acts clumsy, how he puts on the air of naive farm boy, how he's terrible at pleasing a woman in bed. These are all aspects that work to make it unbelievable that he could be Superman. Christopher Reeves in Superman nails all of these aspects and I wish writers would be more upfront about how Clark Kent's disguise is less about the accouterments and more about the act Clark puts on.

Superman begins deciding how to fight crime now that he's come to Metropolis. And his logic goes like this: "What do criminals want? Money! Where is the money? Banks!" And just like that, he becomes the protector of corporate America! He even thinks, "Never mind the third rate muggers and street swindlers." No wonder Batman doesn't respect this asshole! A third rate mugger killed Batman's parents and Superman is all, "Bah, they're harmless! Better get the guys going after the money that's insured!" Fuck this Superman!

Next Superman goes after street level drug makers. That's better, I guess, but couldn't he go after the pharmaceutical industry itself?

What the fuck is "factory brand duct tape"? Having managed a warehouse on the Netscape campus back in the 90s, I'd say they should be wrapped in shrink wrap.

This morning, I discovered Carrot Cake flavored Oreos. It was nice living without diabetes but I must say goodbye to those years now.

Later, Superman stops a man from abusing his wife and kids. I don't find out if she thanks him with her sex. But from what the previous chapters of this story have taught me, she did.

After that, Superman frees some hostages from a hostage situation that was set-up by Lex Luthor so he could meet Superman. Lex manipulates Superman into working for him to stop Batman. Why does Lex care about Gotham and Batman? I don't know! I don't even really know how Lex manipulates Superman! And I don't think it's because I'm too stupid to follow the story. I'm pretty sure I'm smart enough to understand a comic book! But this comic book feels like a bunch of pages are missing. Hell, Superman's first words to Lex Luthor upon meeting him for the first time are "You're a damned liar!" What did he lie about? When did he ever say anything to Superman? What the fuck is going on?!

Over in Gotham, Batman uses a gun. Okay. Whatever. Let's wrap this shit up.

Here's a terrible picture of Superman since I can't write about a story I can't follow.

The gist of the rest of the story is that Lex Luthor is tired of Batman and Superman foiling his crimes. So he decides to convince Superman that Batman is a jerk. After they get done killing each other, Lex Luthor will profit. Not that he isn't profiting already. But he'll profit more, I guess?

Superman lands in Gotham to speak with Batman and Batman instantly tries to kill him. Oh yeah, Frank Miller totally understands these characters. Batman wants justice but is willing to kill Superman because Superman wants to talk to him. And Superman goes around doing good while constantly thinking, "I'll show them!" and "I could kill these guys!" and "Which other woman should I save so I can fuck her?"

Batman tries all kinds of violence on Superman while telling Superman smarts are what counts. If only he'd use some and realize he can't hurt this guy. This might be the dumbest version of Batman I've ever seen.

Eventually Wonder Woman arrives to point out to these two blockheads that maybe they should stop fighting and work together to make the world a better place. Batman is all, "Well, I can't hurt him anyway so I guess I'll work with him." And Superman is all, "How is she stronger than me? She doesn't need rescuing from anybody. Has she ever gotten laid?!"

The issue basically ends with Wonder Woman telling Superman that she's ready to fuck him after he goes into space to learn to fuck (by fighting Brainiac?) and Batman telling Luthor he hopes he gets raped in prison. So exactly the way I'd expect a Frank Miller Superman comic book to end.

I wish I were right popular in high school.

Superman: Year One: Book Three Rating: What I learned from this comic book is that every woman in the DCU wants to fuck Superman and every man in the DCU is jealous of all the women Superman gets to fuck. What I also learned is that I should have read this series before purchasing Dark Knight Returns: The Golden Child. I'd still like to know what happened between Clark and Lori. I guess he just left her the same way he left Lana and the same way he left Wonder Woman (who he fell in love with immediately, I guess?).

Superman: Year One: Book Two

John Romita Jr finally giving up and sending this cover as finished: "Maybe all the fucking teeth will distract from Superman's leg."

Last issue ended with Superman joining the Navy. I know. I'm still fucking reeling from that revelation myself. Superman. In the Navy. I would type out the lyrics to The Village People song now but I'm afraid I don't actually know any of them and my version would just be a bunch of gay jokes. Oh, what the hell.

In the Navy! You can sail the seven seas!
In the Navy! You can get down on your knees!
In the Navy! In the Navy!

I should stop before I get too graphic about the Navy. I've had friends in the Army and the things they say Navy men do with sheep is simply disgusting. Although where do they get the sheep? Wouldn't those stories be more believable if they were about dolphins?

Maybe it was my friend in the Marines who told me the Navy's relationship with sheep. Probably to distract from all the rumors about what the Marines get up to with Navy men and their sheep.

My friend who was in the Navy never said anything about sheep which seems suspicious, right? Like he was hiding something! But he does have a habit of reciting poetry to people at parties which — let's face it — is more shameful than sheep fucking.

Hopefully nobody was upset about me seeming to make a joke out of being homosexual. Because I wasn't doing that! The Village People are gay so their songs are about gay lifestyle. Sure, I don't know the actual lyrics but at least I was keeping to the spirit of the group! Anyway, I don't think a man sucking another man's dick should be considered a gay act. It should simply be considered a lovely humanitarian thing to do for a friend.

No razor made by humans can cut Superman's hair! I bet he had to will his hair to fall out as they attempted to cut it.

The Navy officers pick Clark to train as a sniper because Clark doesn't know how to not be perfect at everything he does. I guess when Pa told him not to show off or to stand out, Clark wasn't really listening. But now that he's in the Navy, I guess he's contractually obligated to kill loads and loads of non-Americans with his super abilities.

I don't get this whole "Clark Kent joins the Navy" story arc. At first, I thought it was a way for Clark to meet Aquaman. Now I just think it's a way for Miller to showcase his weird sea-fucking kink.

If you've ever been to the ocean with Frank Miller, you've swam in his jizz.

I could never find the ocean sexy. The most terrifying experience I've ever had was getting caught on a boogie board out past the breakers of the Pacific after the sun went down. I had to constantly stop myself considering what might be lurking under the black mirrored surface of the ocean as I tried to keep calm and paddle back towards the lights of Santa Cruz. I was out there with my buddy Larry who killed himself earlier this year. My theory is that he never could get that nightmare experience out of his head. Or maybe it was depression. Sure, you're probably putting your money on depression. That's exactly something somebody who never floated on the ocean in the darkness of night would do.

Clark notices mermaids swimming out in the ocean and one of his officers is all, "Yeah, boy. Mermaids! Sometimes guys try to fuck 'em but then they drown and we report them lost at sea and nobody asks no questions. You got me?!" And Clark is all, "Yes, sir! Don't try to fuck the mermaids, sir!"

Clark decides that since he isn't allowed to fuck the mermaids, he should head into town and start a bar brawl. Clark meets a woman who's working on publishing a story about Navy guys who hang out in bars and defend women from civilians who get too handsy with female reporters. Clark once again finds himself overwhelmingly horny. Oh, not for the woman! But for the idea of being a reporter! He's just too young to realize that he's not into woman; he's into bylines and columns and exposés. But before he can fuck a newspaper, Clark blocks a punch some jerk throws at him, breaking the guy's arm (just like that fight he got in high school! Is this good writing where we see echoes of the character's past history or bad writing where the writer just can't think of new plot points? Who can tell?!), and starting an all out brawl. He walks the reporter home afterward, dreaming about that black ink coming off on his cock and balls.

The next day, the training officer threatens to shoot him for causing trouble. Seems like an appropriate response. I guess Clark is learning that the military doesn't keep anybody safe. It's just a violent place where young people with no real hope of succeeding in civilian life go to gain instant meaning and heroic praise from others. That's like the opposite of journalism where young people with lofty ideals about changing the world by exposing truth and justice go to never actually do that and instead just parrot the lies told them by politicians because they don't understand the difference between being impartial and simply being a loudspeaker for misinformation.

I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. Frank Miller has me so confused. I mean, Clark Kent is in the Navy! What the fuck is going on in Superman's First Year?! Wait. This is all happening in just one year? It's because Superman grows super fast under a yellow sun, right?

After being treated like shit by his commanding officer, Clark decides to go fuck some mermaids. That'll show him!

Just another reason why Aquaman is a redundant piece of Justice League shit.

Why did DC decide to call this comic book "Superman: Year One"? I would have called it "Frank Miller's Stupid Version of Superman by Frank Miller."

Underwater, Clark Kent meets Lori Lemaris. She leads him back to Atlantis where an experimental submarine has crashed into the city. Also, I don't know if this will soon be an important plot point but Clark Kent is suddenly wearing a huge watch on his left wrist. Up until the moment he dives in the ocean, Clark has never worn a watch in this series. How else is he going to be dealing with Atlantis's problems when he'll suddenly look at his wrist and say, "Jeezly crow! I've got to get back to base! I'll be back tomorrow night to fuck more mermaids! And help rebuild if I'm not too sleepy afterward"?

"The smell of fish poontang washes across Clark's senses, threatening to remove him from Atlantis and plop him down in Boner City."

What kind of an editor takes a look at the previous panel and doesn't ask, "Why, out of nowhere, are you discussing Clark's ability to stifle his sense of smell to keep from being distracted in a panel that depicts Lori Lemaris's ass?" It's a fair question.

Clark looks at his watch and thinks, "Jeezly Crow! I've only got a few hours before bugle! I guess I can help rebuild Atlantis before then!"

Once again, Clark's reward for saving a woman in trouble is sex with that woman. This might be a problematic message. Clark saves Lana from violent men. Clark bangs Lana. Clark saves the reporter from violent men. Clark bangs the reporter. Clark saves Lori Lemaris's ruined city from violent men and their submarines. Clark bangs Lori. I always suspected that sex was an expected reward for acting chivalrous! Thanks, Frank Miller, for justifying all the times I called a woman a bitch because she wouldn't sleep with me after I saved her by beating up a guy that had just called her a bitch!

This is the Internet so I should probably explain that the previous sentence was a satirical critique of Miller's problematic message. I mean, sure, impressing a potential sexual partner is a good way to get that person interested in becoming your sexual partner! So the Lori Lemaris plea for Clark to fuck her hard after he helps isn't the worst depiction of a relationship. But having two other women saved by Clark from brutes who are threatening non-consensual sex reward Clark with sex is the worst depiction of a relationship. Also, the story doesn't explicitly state that Clark and the journalist from the bar have sex. But I can read between the panel breaks!

A critical review aside: Frank Miller's narration in this series is confusing. Sometimes it's in third person and then it flips over to first person without the current narrative thought changing at all. It reads as sloppy, probably because it is sloppy.

Clark and his fellow Navy SEAL recruits go on an emergency mission to kill some pirates. Clark watches a bunch of pirates get shot in the head but he doesn't pull the trigger so nobody can accuse him of having killed a man. In fact, he saves a bunch of men by holding a grenade in his hands as it blows. But because he refused to kill on command, he's discharged from the Navy. I guess the American military doesn't have time for people who won't follow an order to murder.

Before Clark leaves the Navy, his commanding officer decides to give him some good advice about using his talents to help put fires out instead of causing more. Odd advice coming from a guy so hell bent on threatening to kill Clark and screaming at Clark to kill everybody he meets. I guess he's a complex character!

After Clark leaves the Navy, he walks into the ocean to battle Poseidon for the hand of his daughter, Lori. Poseidon doesn't want Clark fucking his daughter because he wants to fuck his daughter. That's not something I made up the way I make up so many other things. Frank Miller made that bit up. I don't know why. Couldn't Poseidon have just not wanted his daughter marrying a non-Atlantean instead of making it about Poseidon wanting to be the only person fucking his daughter? Luckily Clark defeats Poseidon's Krakens so no father fucks their own daughter in this series, no matter how much I bet Frank Miller's original script read, "Poseidon fucks his daughter. A lot. Over and over. Oh boy! What a hit this comic is going to be!"

In the end, Poseidon leaves the throne to pout and plot his revenge against Clark and the entire surface world. Clark and Lori settle down to rule Atlantis for as long as it takes me to read the third and final issue where, I'm certain, Clark will leave Lori to pursue his true love: writing opinion pieces about Superman for the Daily Planet.

Superman: Year One: Book Two Rating: The first issue wasn't so bad that I didn't not want to read the second issue. But this issue was so terrible that I'm not sure I'll have the patience to write about the third issue. If I never post a review of the Book Three, it's because I just couldn't bare to think more than superficially about Frank Miller's writing. Also I might have simply thrown myself off of a building because John Romita Jr's art was so fucking terrible.

Superman: Year One: Book One

I can't wait to find out why Superman shoved Jim Gordon's head up his ass!

Most of the time, I don't think, "I fucking hate myself." But then I'll purchase a comic book written by Frank Miller and drawn by John Romita Jr. and I think, "Well, obviously I'm wrong about that."

I haven't been reading too many comic books lately because I've been reading Alan Moore's Jerusalem which is not a comic book at all but a 1300 page book. The thing about a 1300 page book is that 1300 is a lot of pages to read. It's a daunting task! Just ask anybody you know who has read 1300 pages. You probably don't know anybody because you only know comic book nerds and they only read regular books if they're called things like Secrets of the Marvel Universe and DC: They Ain't Fucking Marvel!. I've read both of those books and, let me tell you, they don't actually exist.

Anyway, Alan Moore's Jerusalem was fucking fantastic. No, no. It was fucking fucking fan-fucking-tastic! It was like eating a half gram of magic mushrooms and then sitting on the floor in the middle of a raucous house party, just absorbing the frantic movements and warbling sounds. Unless it was better than that. Although I can't think of anything better than that. Possibly the best time I ever had was sitting on the floor while on mushrooms in the middle of my friend Jason Beymer's house while his sister's rager erupted all around me. I was fucking content. I was the Buddha under the fig tree. I was Christ on the cross. I was Mohammad wherever Mohammad found his bliss. With his cougar first wife, maybe?

Technically I have yet to finish Jerusalem. There's a chapter called "Round the Bend" which was Moore's attempt to write his own version of Finnegans Wake. It's fucking insane and I'm slowly making my way through it with copious notes. I've created a table with three columns for my notes as I read the chapter slowly, one sentence at a time. In the first column, I type the original sentence. In the second column, I type my literal interpretation of the sentence. And in the third column, I discuss what both the text and the subtext might be suggesting. It's a brilliant piece of writing that I think is worth the extended amount of time I'll be devoting to it.

All that being said, I need a little reading downtime before I begin A.R. Moxon's The Revisionaries. So I'm reading Superman: Year One! This probably doesn't have any non-white-supremacy subtext at all! So it shouldn't be too hard to get through.

DC Comics printed Superman: Year One as a magazine sized book for their Black Label, um, label? What is it with DC and redundancy? "Hey, people already call us DC Comics to differentiate us from other DCs even if pedants often complain about how redundant it is. What if we really piss off the pedants by calling our new adult comic book line 'Black Label'? Then people will have to refer to the DC comic with the Black Label label on it!" probably said Dan DiDio. And then Geoff Johns was all, "Man, I hate when I'm sexing my hot lover and my hot lover is all, 'Let's do ATM mouth!' Idiot!"

Dammit! I was making a point when I fucking interrupted myself with my DC offices fan fiction. I was going to point out how I'm going to be severely disappointed when there aren't any boobs or vaginas or dicks in this comic book. The only time I ever read magazine sized comic books was when I wanted to jerk off to cartoons and picked up a copy of Heavy Metal.

The story begins as all stories do: with the death of a planet and a small baby being shoved into a rocket and shot off into space. This baby understands way more than I think most babies tend to understand. It's hard to know for sure because nobody remembers being a baby and science doesn't really understand things like brains and babies and baby's brains. But this baby is a science fiction baby from another planet so I really can't complain if it already knows concepts like "partying" and "celebrating" and "donkey punching" and "billions of stars." Those are probably all concepts on the Kryptonian See and Say toy.

Before the baby exits the rocket after landing in a field in rural Kansas (that's the part of Kansas that isn't Kansas City or Wichita), the rocket speaks to him. I'm pretty sure it's his dad speaking to him in a recording since it calls him "my son" but I don't want to make any assumptions that might leave me vulnerable with Interent critics who like to criticize other Internet critics. Maybe the rocket thinks it's the baby's mother and is about to give birth to it on its new homeworld. Anyway, the voice tells the baby to wake up because "a world awaits. A world that needs you. A world you must save [...] from itself." I mean, really? Was that a necessary part of the story? Did the baby need that kind of pressure and meaning forced onto it so soon in its young life? And how, by the way, did the baby's dad or rocket ship know that this world needed to be saved? Was he (or it!) just projecting Krypton's terrible history onto this new planet? Obviously if it's a planet, it's going to need to be saved because the people on it are just going to ignore the mad scientists when they say the world is dying.

Seriously though! Why begin the comic book by telling Superbaby that he needs to save this world from itself? It seems like a clunky way of trying to force all of what makes Superman special into a few brief lines. "Hey, reader! Superman is here to save the world! It's his destiny!" How about just letting Superbaby have a father who was grateful that he could save his child from Krypton's destruction? Then you let Superbaby grow up and learn, from his Earth parents, right and wrong. Let him learn about truth and justice. Let him learn empathy and compassion. Then when he makes the choice to sacrifice a huge part of his existence in making Earth a better place, ita actually means something. But having a recorded message tell him he needs to save the world from itself before he's even learned not to shit his own pants seems a bit of crap writing desperate to make thematic points.

Jonathan Kent isn't a kind and generous man who wanted to take care of a baby. I mean, maybe he was but what does it even matter if something else is manipulating his actions?

Do audiences enjoy stories where characters are manipulated by Gods or destiny to become the thing they're meant to become to do the thing they're meant to do or is this just writers being too lazy to let a story tell itself along the way? My view of audiences would be severely diminished if it could get any lower and also if I were to believe they preferred stories about Chosen Ones rather than regular people who rise to the occasion to do something heroic. What makes a story better if we learn that the hero was always meant to be the hero? Isn't it more rewarding to have heroes like Frodo Baggins and Sam Gamgee who struggled to do what was right with no guarantee that they were cosmically destined to succeed? The only thing this whole idea that there has to be some thing (or Thing) manipulating events from behind the curtain is remove free will from the hero's actions, thus making the hero nothing more than an automaton programmed to succeed.

Jonathan brings the baby home and Martha is all, "Whelp! I guess we have a kid now! Praise Jesus!" And Jon is all, "Praise Jesus and his might rocket ship from Heaven!" And both of them feel slightly guilty because of all the times they cursed God for giving them faulty reproductive organs. Jon and Martha are still young so at least they can pretend that they kept faith that God would provide them a child. But I bet if they had been creeping up on the age of Abraham when he finally boinked the help, they would have fucked up God's plan too!

Jon and Martha quickly begin calling each other Ma and Pa because why not? It's not like anybody is going to somehow come along and take their new space baby away from them! They found it and so it's as good as theirs. It's not like Kansas has any laws on the books that say you can't keep a baby you found in a field that fell out of the sky in an alien rocket ship. Are there? Probably not, right? And even if there are, nobody in town seems to question where the fuck Jon and Martha got a kid.

Oh yeah. I'm supposed to believe Clark can feel hot oatmeal. What flavor is it? Kryptonite? I mean, it is green.

Stupid penis! Every time I turn the page, it keeps thinking we're going to see thick chicks on space motorcycles with their tits flopping out and huge bushes streaming out from between their thighs! This isn't Heavy Metal, you stupid organ! I blame my brain for constantly thinking while reading this, "This comic book magazine sure would be better with more tits."

Between being a toddler and the first day of high school, nothing important happens. I mean, some important things probably happen. Like Clark's first wet dream. But Frank Miller doesn't think that's important enough to make the story. I don't know why. I want to see Ma asking Kent why he hid his sheets out in the field and also why he was re=plastering the ceiling of his bedroom.

In high school, all the kids start talking about how amazing Clark Kent is. But he hangs out with the fat kid and the goth kid and the other kids that are probably losers in ways that I can't tell by John Romita Jr's art. They all just kind of look like John Romita Jr people. I think they others are misfits because one wears glasses and the other one is black and the other one is Latino. That just means they don't fit in with the white rural farm kids, I guess? I don't know how high school works in rural America. I grew up in Silicon Valley. Our nerds were the white kids who played Dungeons and Dragons. Our popular kids were the Filipinos who were style conscious when most of us still weren't wearing deodorant or washing our hair regularly enough. I would see them hanging out at lunch and think, "How do they get their hair to stay so high and look so good?!" If only I had known that part of that answer was simply, "They wash it regularly," maybe I wouldn't have been a big misfit loser jerk!

Clark sees the bullies picking on little Pete Ross (you have to say that in a high-pitched sneering voice. Unless you don't want to be a bully. Do you not want to be a bully?) and decides, "Enough is enough!" Even though he's not supposed to stand out or else the government will take him away to do experiments on him, he has to end the rash of bullying at Smallville High School! This looks like a job for Clark Kent! I don't think he's decided to call himself Superboy yet.

Apparently nobody in town knows how to stop a bunch of asshole kids from bullying other kids. It's just one of those Earth problems that can't be solved by Earthlings! It must be Clark Kent's destiny to stop bullying once and for all! And that's what Clark does. He takes the novel approach that nobody thought of and asks the bullies, "Hey? Could you stop picking on my friends?" Sure, that doesn't work. They just see it as Clark starting a fight. So they oblige him and throw a few punches. Clark blocks one and the bully's wrist breaks. So now the bullies realize they can't win and stop bullying! Yay!

Except they don't. They just bully even harder because why not? They're shitting on other people because their life is shit. Why would they not increase the shitting if something happened in their life to make their life even shittier?! Something like Clark "Break a Boy's Bones" Kent!

Why do they seem so happy about Carlos being called a spic and getting his tooth knocked out?! Fucking asshole weirdos!

Lana tells Clark she has a plan to stop the bullies. Her plan involves journalism! She has pictures of the bullies assaulting the weirdos and she thinks they can get the police to listen to them. But the goth weirdo overhears their plans and he's a big weirdo traitor! I guess if he snitches on the weirdos, he doesn't get beat up. I bet he's going to become a supervillain some day.

When Lana leaves her house at night thinking she's going to meet Clark, she's set upon by the bullies! They steal her pictures and threaten to rape her. These aren't just bullies! They're criminal psychopaths and I'm sorry I tried to understand their bully behavior earlier! I was thinking, "Maybe this story will be about the ambiguities of youth and how hard it is to navigate the world between childhood and adulthood, especially when you have serious issues with your parents and home life and self-esteem!" Instead I should have been thinking, "Clark and the weirdos are Good with a capital "G" and the bullies are Evil with a capital "E"! Hopefully the story will make this explicit so that I can truly just hate the bullies and not mind when Clark drowns them in the reservoir! And the best way for a narrative to help me understand how evil they are is if they commit attempted rape!" Whew! I sure am glad to know that whatever Clark does to them now, they totally deserve it! I'd hate for Clark to have to come up with a real life solution that stops the bullying and teaches the bullies how to cope with their own problems without resorting to small violences against other kids!

After saving Lana from being raped, Clark seems to insinuate that maybe Lana should fuck him as thanks. He's all, "Let me court you!" And she's all, "Whatever." And he's all, "Sleep tight!" And she's all, "Yeah. Sure. I'll sleep. Tight." I think that means she's going to masturbate? I'm not good at sexual innuendo but I figured it must be because the very next panel begins like this:

That's definitely sexual innuendo!

Kent forgets that he's supposed to be stopping the bullies because he starts dating Lana. They sneak off and Clark closes his eyes and pulls out his penis and is all, "Just touch it Lana!" And she's all, "Mmmph mmph mmmph!" And he's all, "Please! Just touch it!" And she's all, "Mmph mmmph mmph!" And he opens his eyes and realizes his penis is in Lana's mouth and he blows her brains all over the field with his load.

Later, after my fantasy is concluded, I return to the actual story where they only kiss. Lame.

After high school ends, Clark joins the navy. But not after banging Lana Lang all night! And that's not something I made up! It's right there in the comic book!

Superman: Year One: Book One Rating: It was a bit treacly but not super bad. Ha ha!. But I still don't know if the bullies ever got their comeuppance! Was I supposed to be satisfied with Clark bloodying a few noses and then saying to Lana, "We'll use reporting to get them good!"? How disappointing!