Gotham By Midnight Annual #1

When did the Ghost have scary robot spider legs installed?

This comic book is starting off on the wrong foot by allowing a Hawkman villain to guest star. He might fit the bill since he's a paranormal antagonist but he's also covered in New 52 Hawkman stink. Pee-yu! As far as I'm concerned, the Spooky Files should go after, and destroy, Hawkman. Leave the poor Jim Craddock alone!

The issue begins with a woman telling Jim Craddock that she would die for him. No no no. Never, ever tell anybody that you would die for them, especially if you suspect you're in a story. At least know that nobody in the world is worth dying for (at least not consciously and in a premeditated manner). I suppose it's okay if some kid is drowning and you jump in to save the kid and then drown yourself because you actually thought you were capable of being a hero even though that wound up not being true. And I suppose if you're old and possibly riddled with cancer and you have the chance to push a young, virile, smoking hot teenager out of the way of a speeding train even though you know you'll be killed, you can throw your life away for that person. But don't go telling people you're dating that you'd die for them just because they make you super happy in your crotch area. It's better to live a long life full of masturbation than throw your life away for the best fuck in the world. I think. Maybe it's not? I mean, how good a fuck are we talking? I suppose if I found myself at forty-three and still a virgin (totally hypothetical situation, of course!), I might trade my life for the best fuck in the world. Although I might get scammed and only be given a thoroughly mediocre fuck because how would I know it gets better than that? Asshole imaginary scam artists!

Jim Corrigan and Detective Lisa "Not Dinah At All Apparently" Drake crash the imminent make-out session because they also don't believe in people making such grand declarations of love simply because a guy turns your pussy into a slobbering maniac. Detective Drake chases Jim through some walls (she has to go around) while Jim lets the woman down easy.

"He's a thief who never loved you! Boom!"

Jim Craddock gets away from Detective Drake by being super charming and/or creepy. But instead of just shrugging their shoulders and realizing they failed even though they did their best, Jim and Lisa decide to keep investigating the case. They're just full of stick-to-itiveness, aren't they? I realized I had to read yet another annual and I almost gave up reading comic books altogether!

How about neither? How about his intelligence and his brain and his ability to make logical connections between clues at a crime scene? No? Gut is better?

Detective Drake hangs out in the hospital with Eleanor, the woman who would die for the Gentleman Ghost, because Eleanor nearly died for the Gentleman Ghost. While waiting for Eleanor to wake up and give her some eerily obtuse clues, Lisa thinks about how her dog walker boyfriend never made her lady parts bloom like the Ghost did earlier. I guess the "Gentleman" part of his name is code for "Vagina Arsonist."

The Gentleman Ghost pays Corrigan a visit because that's what gentlemen do, right? They approach their rivals with class, shake their hands, and then threaten to obliterate them from existence. It's why I can never figure out the "man" part of being a man. Even shaking hands is too macho and confrontational for me! How come men aren't expected to grow up and just roll around in a tank full of kittens? I could do that! I'd be the best provider a family ever saw if that were the man's role in a family dynamic! I have to take my work vehicle in to get it worked on to pass the DEQ's smog test and I'm anxious and nervous and completely stressed out because I have to interact with other grownups. Plus what if they can't get the car fixed up to pass the test?! What if it becomes a huge, extended pain in my ass?! Why did my mother and father even bother to bring me into this world?!

Apparently the "Gentleman" part of his name is also code for "Have you ever been with a man? Do you want to?"

Gentleman Jim makes off with Eleanor's mystic necklace but he doesn't get far. Somehow Drake and Corrigan know exactly where he'll be and they ambush him to get the necklace back. The Gentleman Ghost surrenders and offers to tell them his story because this annual has way too many pages. Also, I think the whole point of this annual is to come up with a new mythology for The Gentleman Ghost. Unless it just rehashes the old one. Maybe I should read his Who's Who entry before finishing the annual.

Previously, the Gentleman Ghost was purportedly the ghost of a highway man which traveled through time and sought revenge on those who hanged him by stealing their family jewels. Or something. Now he's a ghost cursed by a witch to do her bidding. She is long dead but he still appears whenever the moon is in the night sky. The necklace was apparently a gift from his true love, the daughter of the witch and the reason he was killed and cursed. Although he's telling the story to buy himself some time so it's probably all untrue. Is he really a ghost?! Maybe he just used trickery and technology to run through walls and pool tables! The only part of his story that's probably true is the part about how charming and sexy he is.

The Ghost throws some drinks in Corrigan's face which doesn't seem polite at all. He steals the necklace and gets away. But The Spectre doesn't like having whisky thrown in his eyes so he decides to start judging any assholes he can find.

Asshole.

Jim Craddock, before he's banished by the Spectre, kept insisting that he wasn't a ghost. No, he was more of a spider monster demon gigolo. But now he's gone which is too bad because Detective Drake probably wanted to do it to him. Corrigan probably did too.

Gotham By Midnight Annual #1 Rating: I'm happy to note this was an annual in the traditional sense of annuals. It was a self-contained story with a guest artist and everything! The only problem was it didn't properly express the spookiness of the regular series which is totally dangerous! What if it gave enough of a taste to lure some people in and then they'll read the monthly and be super freaked out and die?! I almost typed "I hope DC knows what they're doing" and then remembered that they totally don't know what they're doing at all.