Ra's al Ghul and the League of Assassins #1

"Welcome everybody to Fantasy Island! If your fantasy is Batman tied up."

Fantasy Island was one of those shows that occasionally really scared the shit out of me. I suppose that's why it was on past my bedtime if I had had a bedtime. Half of the show was generally some guy getting his comeuppance for having a fantasy that Mr. Rourke judged was selfish twaddle and a waste of his time. So he'd have the fantasy completely backfire in a horrible and frightening way to teach the uppity shit a serious lesson in making dreams come true. Why is the society's standard message always, "Be careful what you wish for because you might get it"? You know? Monkey's paw shit and genies that twist wishes. It's supposed to be all about getting things too easily but the message really comes across as don't fucking dream, buddy! That's why Willy Wonka is one of my heroes. Because his story of the boy who suddenly got everything he ever wanted ends with a happily ever after. If I had children, I think I would only show them three children's movies: "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (Jesus Christ that sounds like a gay porn title)," "Mary Poppins (more porn titles!)," and "The Muppet Movie." At least those would be their starting films. Also, they were the three "children's" movies to pop into my head that best expressed my philosophy and attitude toward life. Obviously there would be more if I wanted to sit around thinking about it.

This issue begins in 1285 with a small group of sincere missionaries spreading the truth of Jesus Christ the Holy Roman Church to all the heathens in the Middle East. Strangely enough, the missionaries didn't seem very interested in spreading the word equally across the Middle East. They were particularly interested in converting those heathens living near or around famous Biblical sites. "Converting" might be too euphemistic a word. I probably really mean "slaughter." I think they might be synonyms though!

To be fair, I'm judging this small group of Crusaders merely by glancing at the first page. They could be a small band that broke off from the horrors of the final Crusade and decided to conduct their missionary business in other places around the globe. Especially places with lots of gold because people with lots of gold are usually in need of some major proselytizing. Whoops! There I go using those euphemisms again!

I've seen the title of this comic on the cover and I'm still going to be disappointed when it's not Jason Blood who answers the door.

The door is answered by a spooky Dwight Fry servant type who leads the Crusaders down into the heart of the tower's dungeons. On the way down the stairs, all but Gerhardt the leader are killed. No, no! They're assassinated! That just means they're killed without Gerhardt hearing anything. When they reach the bottom, the servant locks Gerhardt in a room with a glowing green pool.

Maybe I was wrong about these guys. Maybe they're just a Catholic Pool Cleaning Company. "The power of Chlorine compels you!" Or maybe they were just looking for a fun time bath house to wash the sins from their bodies because a naked man rises from the pool while laughing. It's the first recorded instance of Ra's al Ghul in history as we learn when the comic book continues with a representative of The Secret Society of Super-villains trying to recruit Ra's al Ghul in the "NOW" of The New 52.

Ra's al Ghul answers, "No."

With room to negotiate.

Once Ra's al Ghul has decided to come out of his room and play, he creates a club called The League of Assassins. He begins to get Delusions of Zodhood as he decides that the human race aren't living up to their potential and that he needs to make them stronger by kicking their asses with his assassins as often as he possibly can. Here's a good phrase: high class assassins. Ass three times in a row! You could get four if there were assassins that specialized in killing ass: high class ass assassins. Speaking of "ass," I have a five color magic deck that has all ass cards in it. That means if "ass" is anywhere on the card, I've marked over the other letters and turned it into an ass card. Like City of Ass and Mystic Ass and Razor Ass. Theme cards also work like Befoul and Bad Air. If Bad Air is a card. I haven't played in so long! It also has some "ass" cards from the unglued or unhinged series, so it's not tournament legal. What a shame.

After mentioning a few precious destabilizing moments in world history, the visitor turns to Ra's al Ghul's personal life.

Time to discuss the basement full of Damians!

The visitor tells Ra's that Batman and the Justice League are dead and that, if he joins them, he can change the world just as he's always wanted. But Ra's knows better. He's been around a long time. He knows when he's met a man that refuses to die and Bruce Wayne was one of them. He'll be back. Besides, why would Ra's want to join an organization? He's the kind of man that creates and leads them. And he's done listening to this little shit that thinks he knows everything. Time to show this little shit the meaning of the word "puissant!"

Hmm, that didn't sound as tough or threatening as I'd imagined it would.

Because I've never really followed Batman, I've never really known much about Ra's al Ghul. But I like this guy here in this comic book. This Super Villain has my respect!

Ra's al Ghul and the League of Assassins #1 Rating: Ra's didn't do a lot of talking in this issue but when he turned the tables on the young punk and decided to tell him how things really were? That was a cool fucking moment. I like this guy! Hopefully this issue is a sign that James Tynion IV will finally be dragging the nearly dead body of Red Hood and the Outlaws from beneath the shadow of Lobdell's horrible writing. I felt like I was enjoying reading DC Comics during this issue! It could possibly have been the Oreos I was munching away on as well. You can't underestimate the power of a good Oreo rush. Just ask J'onn!