Aquaman #23

Aquaman doing a slow motion belly flop through water to stop The Scavenger from stealing Atlantis's Twinkies.

I hope this issue is just twenty pages of Aquaman sitting in a bunch of coral picking his teeth with a sea urchin spine. Because then I'll be finished with it in just minutes! And I probably won't have much to say because what do I care if Aquaman destroys a coral reef with his fat ass?

This issue begins with Aquaman shouting orders at his wife. Excuse me. His long term partner in a relationship that can be and will be terminated at the slightest hint of common laws kicking in and/or contentment.

Fucking pig. Why not just command her with your telepathy? Goddamn man. You may be the King of the Seven Seas but you aren't King of this relationship, asshole! And so fucking patronizing! "Swim, Mera"? Like she doesn't know how to flee through water?

On the next page he continues with his patronizing, patriarchal bullshit by including "fast" to his command. That's just the kind of incentive I would need if I were being chased through the ocean by a monstrous sea king and an army of maniacs and my ex-fiance whom I just jilted: "Swim fast." Whew! I was thinking maybe lackadaisical might work.

Wow! That was already three pages used up just to show Aquaman and Mera are swimming for their lives! You've got to love Geoff Johns cinematic approach to Aquaman if you're in a hurry!

As they continue to flee, Aquaman finds out Mera was meant to be married to Nereus, King of Xebel, and this news gets his underwater panties in a bunch. He at least has the sense to know not to discuss it now. Although I imagine the entire conversation should be over pretty quickly.

Aquaman: "So you were engaged to another man before you met me?"
Mera: "Oh fuck you, asshole. Like I was supposed to know you'd come along and I should have ignored my sexual being until then? Go fucking cry to your mom, asshole."
Aquaman: "My mom is dead!"
Mera: "Good."

Apparently Aquaman doesn't have a problem with Mera's past relationships; he has a problem with Mera not feeling comfortable enough to talk to him about her past relationships. As if you've told her about the middle-aged woman who blew you in the parking lot at the Roller Rink when you were thirteen, Arthur.

He told her he loved her even if everybody in Xebel kept referring to her as "Fingercuffs" for some reason.

Mera and Arthur escape and head to Atlantis to learn about The Dead King from Vulko.

Meanwhile in Louisiana, Swatt, Murk, and Tula continue their prison break plan to free Orm. But while they're arguing about the plan, Tula gets a telepathic message that Atlantis is under attack. Which is kind of bad news seeing as how they snuck out thinking that nobody would notice them missing because Atlantis never comes under attack! Someone is in trouble!

Aquaman retruns to find Atlantis beset by dozens of submarines armed with torpedoes that The Scavenger calls "Shredders." They kill stuff. So Aquaman tells his forces to retreat. He's going to have to come up with another plan! I have a couple for him if he needs the help! The first plan is to set Topo the Giant Sea Flea on the submarines. But the second plan is even better! He and his elite guard should find a whole bunch of Manta Rays and strap one to each foot. Then they should glide in on the backs of the Manta Rays! This will probably cause them to win somehow because it is awesome.

Darn. He went with the first plan.

As Topo destroys the submarines, The Dead King returns with his army of Xebel warriors. Their attack collapses the Throne Room which, supposedly, crushes The Scavenger. And the throne! Who gets to be kind if the Throne is broken? It won't be Aquaman because he passes out with blood streaming from his orifices (the ones on his head! And maybe others) due to the exertion of commanding Topo. And when he awakens, he finds himself in a medical tent with Vulko.

Six months? That's going to drive continuity freaks crazy!

Aquaman #23 Rating: No change. Aquaman now has a beard so things are about to get interesting!