Zod #1

"Holy fuck it hurts this is the worst mutant super power ever!"

Really? Did we need a comic book about Zod? I guess 52 villains were too many for DC. After filling out 40 issues with Batman villains, the editors just sat around scratching their heads trying to figure out what other villains exist in the DC Universe. And somebody came up with Zod. Probably as a joke. And probably to justify some interoffice sexual harrassment with that whole kneeling line. But someone figured Zod had been mentioned as being in the Phantom Zone over in Action Comics and his character kind of made an appearance in the shitty World of Krypton back-up story in Action Comics (and one chapter in Superman Annual #2, just to fuck with people interested in following the story. That wasn't me, by the way). Oh! And wasn't he in that little movie they did recently that was seemingly about Superman but got the character so fucking wrong that it couldn't possibly have been? So why not Zod?! People say his name all the time when demanding fealty from others and just before flipping over cars.

So far what I've learned from Villains Month: Scientists are awful, immoral bastards that will do anything to prove how much smarter they are than everybody else.

Have any of the Villains so far had religious backgrounds? I think 1/3 in the first two weeks have been scientists. A couple were simply just dicks from the start, so let's give a shout out to Mongul and Lobo. But I guess if you're from space, it's easier to accept that you're vile and evil without having to have a lousy dead and a shitty mother. Or shitty dad and lousy mother, just in case anyone had a problem with why I used which adjective for which parent. Why did I? Totally random.

Hmm. Maybe I should make a list!

7 Scientists:
Grodd
Cyborg Superman
Relic
Mr. Freeze
Brainiac
Poison Ivy
Zod

5 Family Troubled:
Deadshot
Reverse-Flash
Count Vertigo
Black Manta
The Joker (Yeah, well, who the fuck really knows, right?)

2 Fame Seekers:
Ventriloquist
The Creeper

2 Laborers:
Darkseid (although my theory puts him as a scientist, the myth places him as a mudgrubber)
Solomon Grundy

3 Dick for Dick's Sake, (being a):
Mongul
Trigon
Lobo

5 Miscellaneous:
Two Face (Lawyer)
Court of Owls (Family Practice)
Riddler (Puzzle Enthusiast)
Desaad (Torturer)
Bizarro (Medical Testing)

List over! Back to reading the comic book! As you may have noticed, I still have Harley Quinn's issue to read before I'm done with the first two weeks.

Zod and his family are suddenly attacked by gigantic savage beasts because that's what happens when you practice science! You always go too far into things mankind should not know! And then when Zod's father is about to die, writer Greg Pak actually brings up a bit of the point I've been mocking about how horrible and immoral those scientists are.

Stupid atheist scientists! Always pushing up against God's will, poking and prodding and trying to discover things that only God should know, and then they fucking demand that he save them when divine punishment is meted out! Jerks!

I'm beginning to think maybe science shouldn't be taught in schools in the DC Universe. I'm just thinking of everybody's safety!

One year after Zod's parents are killed, Zor-el and Jor-el wind up being the people to rescue Zod and bring him back to civilization. Fifteen years after that, Zod is a Colonel in the Kryptonian Military who would rather practice fighting simulations than party at a Grand Revel. He seems to have a fairly friendly relationship with the El brothers though. Even if Zod still prefers monsters over people.

Eventually the Char (a race from a neighboring planet that loves to attack Krypton because why not?), get this, attack Krypton! Zod and his friend Faora and Nomnom are the only ones prepared for the battle. They save Krypton and show the people of Krypton that building up your military to ridiculous levels is the only way for a society to be prepared for any onslaught. Even though this onslaught was, you know, just stopped by three people.

Can anybody say, "False Flag"? I knew you could.

I'm sure Zod, being a lover of monsters, created these "Char" from some of the last of the dangerous creatures brought back from the island where his parents were killed. And now Krypton's military is going to spread unchecked under the auspices of General Zod. But eventually (as seen in the World of Krypton story (I think. I really wasn't paying much attention to it)), Jor-el and others will put a stop to their fascist ways. That's probably when Zod winds up in the Phantom Zone. And the next few pages will probably repeat a bunch of that stuff I just said. So now I'm only reading to find out how he escaped from the Phantom Zone.

Zod sends a bunch of drones to wipe out the Char on Akron even though the Char are only children and mothers. Or something. I guess that was just the most sympathetic scene to show being blasted to shit. But Jor-el, being a scientist and excellent observer of stuff, notices that Zod lied to everyone.

I'm an excellent sniffer-outer of false flag operations. Here's the trick: you just fucking call everything a false flag operation. Then when one is proven to have been, you pat yourself on the back. And when an operation hasn't been proven to be a false flag, you just shake your head and mutter, "Wait and see. Just wait and see." Eventually you or your opposition dies and you're never proven wrong!

Oh! Who wants to be his next line is something like, "One day, you will kneel before me!"?

Darn. He doesn't say that. He says, "I will always be your monster." Meaning he will always teach the Kryptonians how to use their fear to become the most vile, violent, despicable people they can be. All in the name of freedom and liberty and survival, of course! I didn't mean it in a bad way! I meant it in the American sense!

The issue ends with Zod and Faora and Nomnom still in the Phantom Zone. But they're ready to escape any time Superman needs to be made stronger!

Zod #1 Rating: This was a decent story about Zod. The only problem is this: I don't know why I needed a decent story about Zod. I suppose he'll be making an appearance in Batman Loves Superman at some point since this was written by Greg Pak. Or maybe he'll be the next antagonist in Action Comics once Scott Lobdell's mixed-up psionic story comes to a confusing and unsatisfying end.