Red Lanterns #23

Come on! I need my Dex-Starr/Midnighter rematch already! Give the cat another chance!

Atrocitus has fully recovered by the time this issue begins because a cat is the best kind of friend you can have. If you collapse with a dog around, the dog will just go, "Throw the ball! Throw the ball! Throw the ball!" And then when you don't throw the ball, the dog will go find somebody else to throw the ball and love that person just as much. Oh, I know you dog lovers are denying the fuck out of that. But it's true! Dogs love everybody! But if you collapse with a cat around, well now you're in for a treat. Actually, the cat is in for a treat because it will eat your face.

But still! Cats are so much better! Sure, they're better in ways that if you don't like cats, you'd see their attributes as flaws. Like my cat Judas, just a few days ago, began jumping up on my printer to kick back while I was napping. Jumping up on my printer makes a lot of noise because the cat's weight also sets off the printer and it starts to make all those printer pre-print noises they make. I hate to get all technical on my readers, but that's what happens. So he wakes me up from my nap and I say, "No! Get down from there!" I get up, gently push him on to the desk where he's allowed to be, and try to go back to sleep. Well, he gets back on two or three more times and I get up to push him off so that he'll learn he's not allowed to go up there.

At least that's what dog people would think an animal has learned. You say no. You show them the correct behaviour. Repeat. Lesson learned. Not for a cat. All Judas has learned is now he knows how to wake up the monkey and get it out of bed when he's hungry. "A-ha! Look at how fast he gets up when I get up on this contraption!" And he files it away for later use when he needs food. Or water. Or a clean litter box. Or some chin scratches. Or if he's feeling too lazy to hop on the bed and see if I'm ready to eat yet, he can now hop on the printer and see if I move.

But because cats are so standoffish and solitary, there's nothing like having one for a best friend. Some cats are brought into homes and the cat just never connects to anybody. He's more like an unemployed roommate or a foreign exchange student. I don't know that a dog has ever moved into a house with a person and not instantly fallen in love with whatever face it saw day after day. It's just happy to be part of the pack and getting to bond. Although there are so many different types of dogs and dog personalities due to human tinkering, any generality said about one type of dog is bound to have nothing in common with other dogs. But they do generally like to bond and chase sticks while cats like to lick their assholes.

The preceding was supposed to somehow explain why Dex-Starr was able to make an artificial heart for Atrocitus to keep Atrocitus alive whereas G'nort would have completely fucked it all up. But I don't think I made my point at all.

In fact, if this scene were realistic, Dex-Starr would be chowing the fuck down right now.

Atrocitus considers taking Dex-Starr's ring but only for a second and only because he really craves the power that will enable him to destroy Guy Gardner. Obviously he would give up many years of his life to keep his buddy Dex-Starr by his side for many, many more. I would happily give up years of my life in exchange for keeping my cat with me for as long as possible. Do they have Life Force Transfusions yet? I bet they have them from person to person but the religious right probably thinks it goes against God to transfer Life Force to animals.

Atrocitus and Dex-Starr travel across space looking for one of the Red Rings that Atrocitus sent out to build up the Red Lantern Army. And Dex-Starr must have created an artificial voice box for himself since he now has some rudimentary speech. Man, I'm glad my cat can't speak. "FEED ME! FEED ME! FEED ME! FEED ME! HAVE YOU FED ME? FEED ME!"

Back on Ysmault, Zilius Zox makes a penis joke.

"How many penises does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Depends on how many vaginas are in there!" I know, I know. That joke is awfully sexist and doesn't take into account the sexual identity of the penises in the joke at all! Well I assure you that every penis in that joke was a heterosexual penis. Or else the answer would have been, "Depends on how many assholes are in there!"

As Guy watches Zilius fix up the ship, he thinks about what the Red Ring is doing to him and how it's already enabled him to kill the Pirate Leader of the ship they stole. He's losing his humanity! And his Green Ring only has 0.003*% charge left on it. If he doesn't charge it soon, he'll become a rage-fueled killing machine and his only hope of ever gaining his humanity back is if Batman can punch him square in the nose. Guy calls up Hal to pull the plug on this entire mission before he becomes a total monster with no Hope at all. And since the only Hope left is Saint Walker, he might be in a bit of trouble.

Back on Styge Prime where Dex-Starr and Atrocitus have tracked some Red Energy, they discover Skallox's old boss has a secret.

Think up your own fucking Red Bull joke.

I suppose The Butcher is the Red Lantern Mascot that is supposed to live inside the Power Battery on Ysmault? It just wants to get away so it can go die in peace! Atrocitus approaches it and sticks his hand into its face and subsumes its power. Or something. Whatever happens, Atrocitus becomes vaguely bull-shaped in a Satyr-like way and immensely powerful. I suppose he's ingested or become possessed by The Butcher but having no previous knowledge of the Lantern Corps Mascots or the things they can do, I'm just not sure. Oh! Unless it's like how Hal Jordan became Parallax and Kyle Rayner became Ion! Well now Atrocitus has become The Butcher! Although it really can't last for very long since all the mascots are on their last legs and trying desperately to return to the Lantern Corps Graveyard for a forever nap.

Anyway, now Atrocitus is ready to go smash Guy Gardner's stupid face in.

I probably shouldn't use stupid so much. It's probably an ablest word that intelligent people use to perpetuate a kind of intellectual warfare amongst those who can think rationally and those that find Wheel of Fortune the height of brainteasers.

Back on Ysmault, Guy Gardner finds out from Hal Jordan via his Ring's Skype function that the Blue Lanterns have been destroyed and Guy Gardner is in big trouble. And since Bleez wasn't in this issue at all, it's no surprise when she turns up having heard Guy speaking with Hal. Now he's going to have to promise to give her his blood so she can make constructs or else she'll tell everybody else that he's a Green Lantern plant! Or maybe she'll just try to kill him. Except she's too smart for that; how could she kill the man who "killed" Atrocitus, right? She'll probably just seduce him. I think they'd make a great couple.

Red Lanterns #23 Rating: No change. I enjoyed this issue but nowhere near as much as last issue. I also read it quickly (as well as the previous five or so comics!) because I just wanted to catch up and read Forever Evil. Which is next on my stack! Yay!