Two Face #1

There's Batman again. This time with no legs.

Hey, coin? Do I like Two Face or hate Two Face?

Two-Face is the most horrible character DC ever created. Absolute shit. How does acid completely eat away at exactly one side of his face and change his suit's color and bleach his hair white and change one of his shoes and one of his socks. Look at all the fucking damage it did and he still has an eyelid? Well, he must because I don't see him constantly putting eye drops in. Does he? Maybe he does! Even if he did use eye drops, he'd have to flip a coin each time to see if he should use the eye drops! And how often can he do it? Is he allowed to keep flipping until he gets the answer he wants? Or does he have to wait a prerequisite amount of time before flipping again? That coin flipping thing is the dumbest gimmick in Gotham and Gotham City knows dumb fucking gimmicks. When does he decide to flip the coin? Does he get in more manic phases where he's flipping it for everything? Does he ever get caught in an infinite regression of flipping the coin to see if he should flip the coin to see if he should flip the coin to see if he should flip the coin? I wonder if his first flip of the day is to see if he should just put a bullet in his head? Should I have put a trigger warning there? That was a pun! Fucking Two-face is a piece of shit. I wonder if I should begin reading the comic book yet?

No, I have to fucking keep rambling now. Stupid fucking coin. It should have to come up with a topic if it's not going to allow me to start reading! How about, since we're speaking of coins, I just plagiarize a short piece I did in an attempt to get hired by 60 Minutes to take that dead fucking hack Andy Rooney's job?

Have you ever noticed the way President Obama keeps asking for change? Wouldn’t you think he has enough change? As an American, we have an awful lot of change. I think we have too many denominations, actually. Isn’t the penny enough? With the penny, you can make exact change for any possible amount. Can you say the same for the nickel? No, you can’t. If I wanted to buy a piece of candy for 9 cents but only had two nickels, they’d have to give me some change. How much change? A penny. They’re really very useful. I wonder why they call them a penny? A quarter is called a quarter because it is a quarter of a dollar. That makes sense. A half-dollar is a half-dollar because it is one-half of a dollar. That makes sense too. But a penny? Perhaps it has something to do with being 1 percent of a dollar. See how they both begin with ‘pe’? That might be it. I’m too old to do research. I don’t understand computers and I might strain my back picking up a reference book. I used to have aides and fact checkers but now I don’t really care as long as I just get my check. You wouldn’t believe how many pennies it is.

Now can I start reading? Yay! Thanks, coin!

This is another thing. He's the most unimaginative prick in the world. Everything always boils down to two choices.

I'm fairly certain Two-Face has a lot of choices! His obsession with duality is making him miss out on a lot of opportunities in life. Right now, he's choosing whether to save Gotham or make it bleed. You could also go get an ice cream. Or take a nap. Perhaps flee to Metropolis. I think I've actually exhausted all of his options now.

The Scarecrow snatches Two Face's coin out of the air before the toss can be completed and I'm surprised that Two Face doesn't have a complete nervous breakdown. I suppose given time, he would. Because now he wants to blow The Scarecrow's brains out but he also wants to not blow The Scarecrow's brains out and how the hell is he going to decide? Then The Scarecrow tells him to pick a hand to get his coin back! Well how the fuck is he going to do that if he doesn't have a coin? He keeps waving the gun around and threatening to shoot shit but The Scarecrow isn't afraid because that's his entire schtick! So Two Face is trying to scare The Scarecrow which is pointless. And The Scarecrow is trying to get Harvey Dent to choose without using his coin which is pointless! Next The Riddler is going to drop by and start doing Sudoku.

Hey coin?! Should I have a bowl of cereal or go slit the neighbor boy's throat? Hmm, okay. Be right back!

If a creature had legs made out of scissors (not a pair each leg; the legs would be, in total, on pair of scissors), would it run faster, slower, or in circles? You realize these are the kinds of questions God had to work through while making every single creature in the world! It had to have taken him more than a week. I mean, when he thought up the Platypus? Come on. Half a day wasted just cracking himself up.

And how did God know what a "day" was anyway? What was his definition? It's not like he had an Earth rotational marker before he made the Earth! Oh! I know! He had already decided an arbitrary time limit for his work day and then set the Earth's spin to match that so he wouldn't get confused! Whew. I almost lost faith there for a second!

Oh! Sorry! I thought I was writing about Two Faith, not Two Face. Although either way lets me talk about Christians! OH SHIT! No I didn't! Burn, Christians! Oh, shit. Nobody take that the wrong way! I'm not telling people to go burn Christians! That would probably be wrong. I'm saying I zinged them good! But it's all in good fun! Come on! Anybody reading this blog had better have a sense of humor and thick skin or else they're in the wrong fucking place, amirite? And besides, you don't get any more two-faced than me! Sitting behind this computer hating woman completely and then writing about female comic book characters as if they're just regular people!

Hey coin! Should I be telling the truth during this commentary, or should I be lying about everything? Right! Got it! Thanks, coin!

Since Two Face is just learning about The Secret Society of Super-Villains from The Scarecrow, this issue must take place in-between Two Face learning about the Society while they were escaping Arkham and Two Face attending the Happy Harbor Recruitment Meeting. Somehow. I don't know how! Oh! I do know how! Good thing I have that ability to justify anything so that nobody will ever convince me that God doesn't exist! He's Two Face! He's able to learn stuff and then keep his other face from learning the same stuff! So this is his non-crazy side learning about the Secret Society. Probably.

I should probably put a picture in hear. Look at all of these words everybody is just skimming past!

If Harvey is ever convicted of murder, can he blame the coin? "It was all the coin's idea! It's a cult leader Mansonesque madman! You should see my piggy bank! It's like Jonestown in there!"

Harvey's coin allows him to join the Secret Society after which he goes back to his original question. Except not. The first time his coin flip was interrupted, he asked, "Do I save Gotham or do I make it bleed?" This time he asks, "Do I save Gotham or let it bleed?" That's a big fucking difference! Just ask The Batman who never kills although a lot of people have died tangentially connected to something The Batman did or didn't do while The Batman danced away with his hands in the air yelling, "I didn't do it! Didn't touch it! Not my fault!"

Harvey's coin comes up tails except I guess it's heads because he begins to save Gotham. But that's not really a fair coin flip because Harvey was using the new Secret Society coin which has two heads and he didn't call which would be tails beforehand! Granted the Owlman head does make a more fitting "heads" than tails. But the Pandora Skull doesn't really make a great tails, does it? And I just assumed the Pandora Skull was the heads because it's the side that doesn't change from coin to coin (apparently! I thought the tails side was always the backwards Earth).

Coin, why does Two Face make me think of cake? Tails? Oh! That's right! Just this or that questions! Sorry!

Back at the Courthouse where Harvey is taking all of the thugs he's captured, he discovers the Batman Victim's Club hanging out and torturing people in his old office. Since he's in Harvey Dent mode, he doesn't take too kindly to their up-to-no-goodnick shenanigans. He takes everybody to the courtroom and becomes The Law, Motherfuckers. That's his new vigilante name. The Law, Motherfuckers. I wonder if I can sell that character to DC or if it treads too much on Judge Dredd territory?

Hey coin? Should I trade you in for a six-sided die?

Next up is Boot Face who gets the Tails and is shot in the head. I guess since Tomasi created him, Tomasi can kill him. But Scallop (the woman wearing batarangs like body jewelry) isn't going to trial without a fight. Her team of lawyers mount a defense and its a pretty good one as defenses go! Although I wouldn't recommend hiring boomerangs as lawyers and then throwing them at the judge's head during opening arguments.

Eventually the Secret Society of Super-Villains' wishes run counter to the wishes of the Coin and Harvey has to put in his two clip notice.

There has to have been at least one wedding where the bride dressed as Cruella de Vil and the groom as Two Face. Or vice versa.

After Two Face leaves the courtroom full of murdered convicted people, he heads out into the streets of Gotham and asks his coin the question he asked earlier. So I guess there is a time limit! Either for how long before he can ask a question before asking it again for the answer he wanted or maybe for how long his short term memory lasts as one personality or the other. Perhaps after the coin flip, he takes on the role of psychopath or sane man until the power of the coin flip erodes and he finds himself once again in that middling, unsure ground. And perhaps in that third state, he can't remember the things done in the other two states nor can he remember things he flipped when previously in that third state! He's a bit of a Memento Two Face, I suspect.

Two Face #1 Rating: It was pretty good and pretty bad. The art was well done and shitty. I found the story intense and boring. Two Face really proved to be a heroic piece of shit. I hate-liked it a lot though not that much.