Monday, October 26, 2015

Wonder Woman #45

What's with the diamond shaped negative space in Wonder Woman's crotch region? Is that supposed to symbolize something?

I gave mild praise to the last two issues of Wonder Woman because they weren't completely awful and they felt like maybe they were moving Donna's character in the right direction. But all of my goodwill (which is hard earned and should not be taken so lightly, Meredith. When I hate, I hate for life!) has been casually tossed like a salad on the first page! And I wasn't expecting it so I jumped right in thinking, "Okay! Time for some Wonder Woman. It probably won't be too tough to deal with if I can ignore David Finch's fish mouths which he loves to stick on male characters. And it should be a quick read because it will probably contain two or three double splash pages. I also won't be distracted too much by the inevitable shower scene because I think I've masturbated enough times today. I guess that's enough talking to myself before opening the comic book so maybe I should narrate my final actions and open up the comic book...". And that's when I was sucker punched right in the part of my brain that doesn't like having to read crappy dialogue.

Shut up shut up shut up!

This guy shot Wonder Woman with an arrow two issues ago. I think it's safe to assume she can punch him in the face after he says "Surprised?" Instead, she listens to him moan and whine and insult her for nearly thirty seconds (Yes. I timed myself reading his rant! And included the dramatic pauses and the occasional moan and wince of pain due to my ankles being crushed by debris). Strife shows uncharacteristic restraint in not immediately turning him into a blood stain. She simply suggests he deserves a spanking. But Diana is against adults beating up on children and threatening them with physical harm to keep them in line. She'd probably rather kneel down, look him directly in the eye, tell him what he did was wrong, and then hug him.

The next page is the first of who knows how many boring double splash pages. Because Aegus punching Wonder Woman in the face and shouting isn't something that could have fit in a half-page panel (or smaller even).

Wonder Woman deserved to get punched for not shutting him up earlier.

After Aegus punches a woman in the face, he flexes and says, "Does this look like 'just a boy' to you?!" Wonder Woman does not answer, "No, it looks like the douchiest douche in doucheville." Probably because that's a weak retort. My go-to comeback would have been, "No, you look like just a boy!" But that wouldn't make any sense so I had to go with "You're the Xiest X in Xville." Wonder Woman decides to ask him if he needs a hug because he seems like he's in a lot of pain. I bet he tells her she's about to be in a lot of pain!

This kid has a lot to learn. Everybody in the DC You suffers from Daddy Issues but they don't admit to it immediately.

Luckily, as he beats the shit out of a woman, Aegus opens up about how his father abused him and his mother. Now Wonder Woman can give him the standard speech about not being to blame for what happened to him and how he can change the cycle by making different choices and all the other After School Special crap that's been said five million times already. It's also nice that she gives her "you didn't deserve the abuse" speech while crawling before him in a pool of her own blood while weeping bloody tears. I'm glad pictures are worth 1000 words because I'd hate to have to read the 1000 hateful and misogynistic words that make up this picture.

I know Strife doesn't like Wonder Woman and Wonder Woman did ask Strife to let her handle this, but it seems strange that Strife would just let this intruder beat on Wonder Woman for four pages before intervening. Maybe it took her that long to grow into a giant in preparation for the next double page splash (although this one has a few inset panels so it can pretend to be something different).

At least some characters full of macho bravado can admit when they're beaten. I'm looking at you, Powerless Superman.

But being that this is a comic book and the only dramatic tension most writers know is dangling the answers to questions just out of the reader's reach, Aegus says "It was..." and then disappears. Noooo! But I so wanted to know that it was Poseidon! I mean I wanted Strife to know that it was Poseidon since the reader already knows that it's Poseidon. Hmm, I think Meredith has this comic book convention backwards.

Meanwhile in London, I finally learn the name of Donna Troy's new urchin friend: Violet! So it's not Terry Long's daughter. But it might be Halo! They have a fun tour of London that's totes brill. But then Violet ditches her and leaves her bag of dead rats for Donna to deal with.

Aegus reappears in his basement by his smoking swimming pool to be chastised by the person who isn't Poseidon who sent Aegus to kill Wonder Woman. She's angry that Wonder Woman did something to her "dearest love." So it must be a lover of Ares or Apollo, right? Who else did Wonder Woman get killed recently? I doubt it's Ares because that would mean the female God was Aphrodite. But she doesn't wear clothing and she never shows her face. So this must be one of Apollo's dozens of lovers. It could be practically anybody so I'll just randomly guess that it's Hecate even though she isn't green with spikes around her brow and she doesn't have a big lizard tail. Hmm. Maybe it is Aphrodite. She is in London where it's chilly, so she'd probably be wearing clothes.

Back in London, Donna Troy easily finds Violet again because fuck you.

If you want to read a comic book where women are constantly being beaten or groped by men, Wonder Woman is the comic book for you!

This guy Link hates it when Donna Troy kicks his ass while he was in the middle of kicking Violet's ass. But this time, he's got a gun! And Donna Troy doesn't have bracelets!

This guy must be Plastic Man!

Violet hits her head on the hearth when Link throws her to the ground and begins bleeding all over the place. That probably means Donna Troy is going to kill somebody. And she tries except Wonder Woman finally finds her! And she didn't need the help of The Fates after all! All she had to do was wait until Donna Troy's friend was killed so that Diana could try to stop Donna from killing Violet's murderer which would allow for Donna and Diana to fight! Too bad Diana didn't think of that earlier.

Donna learns the "with great power comes great responsibility" lesson but comes to a different conclusion than the other idiots who have learned that lesson before her. Donna learns that she should kill people like The Joker when she has the chance or else every death The Joker causes afterward is on her hands. I can't say I disagree with that conclusion! But I can disagree with the subsequent conclusion Donna makes that it's all Wonder Woman's fault. She has to come to that conclusion so that she can keep fighting Diana though. Comic books, you know?

Aegus appears on the scene because everybody seems to know how to find anybody at this point in the comic book. I guess all the searching stuff is just getting in the way of the plot. It's better when characters can find other characters instantly. All that detective work to figure out who did what or where they might be? That's Batman crap.

Anyway, Aegus puts an arrow through Donna Troy's heart and turns her to stone. I guess that's what happens when Clay People die? But guess what? He didn't do it because he was trying to hurt Diana! No! He's had a change of heart!

See? All it takes to help a victim of abuse is a one paragraph explanation about how they aren't to blame and they didn't deserve what happened to them!

Oh! Time for the reveal of the evil villain! And it's...Eirene? The Goddess of Peace? Um. Okay. I guess she's mad at Diana it. I don't know. She should be going after Deathstroke since he broke her mother, Iapetus's spear!

Wonder Woman #45 Rating: -1 Ranking. If you like stories where characters change their motivations constantly and for nearly no reason, stories where women are brutally beaten and killed, stories where characters constantly explicate their every action so the reader understands what the fuck is going on, or stories where the ultimate enemy is peace, then this is the comic book for you, you dumb bozo!

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