Loser Army #5

Yes, Loser Army. Not Looser Army, you numbskulls.

Has Arisia ever spoken to a professional about the abuse she suffered at the hands of Hal Jordan? He was a father figure whom she mistook for a romantic interest. Hal betrayed her trust and ignored her confusion to take advantage of her. Normally I wouldn't believe a character's costume reveals anything more than just skin but I have to think her choice of cuffed gloves, dickey, plunging neckline, and ascending skirt might have a little something to do with the sexual abuse. You don't see B'dg's little ding dong hanging out as he goes around fighting crime. But then he sought professional help after what Hal did to him.

The story begins with John Stewart having a memory of the military. It in no way should be taken as showing a foreign, imperialistic invader callously murdering a citizen of the country simply trying to defend his homeland. If that's what you saw when you opened this comic book and read the first page, you should probably stop attending those weekly Communist meetings in your disgusting friend's basement. The first page shows John Stewart not giving up the way marines never give up! He's outnumbered and outgunned by people in their own country who were not at all simply in the wrong country at the wrong time. They are obviously monsters and it's hopeful and uplifting to see John Stewart break some guy's neck because that guy was obviously about to kill lots of American children at the first opportunity. The man should not have raised a gun to the American invaders. What an idiot. Doesn't he know that he should let foreign invaders do whatever they want since there may or may not be terrorists in their country? If another country invaded America because America housed terrorists (which it totally doesn't and you should look up hypothetical in the dictionary you were thinking about buying that one time you heard somebody on the news say "mendicant"), obviously all of the Americans who hate terrorism would put their guns down and allow the invaders to do whatever they wanted in search of those terrorists.

Would this story be as exciting if every issue John Stewart flashed back to a dilemma he suffered through as an architect?

John Stewart: "Our rings have lost all charge and are useless! I remember a time the tips of all my pencils broke and Harry from two floors up had absconded with my sharpener!"

I bet the non-terrorist people of the nation being invaded had a similar thought about American soldiers ransacking their homeland!

I wish I were a naive, bloated bag of barely digested McDonalds and Krispy Kreme so that I also believed that "soldier" was a synonym for "hero." If I were a journalist in the twenty-first century, I would only do stories on Wounded Warriors because then I would be rich and nobody would ever criticize me or the subjects of my stories. I would write things like "sacrificed for our freedom" and "true American hero" and "noble choice to forgo safety and money for honor" and not write things like "lost in the choices presented by adulthood and free will" or "economic factors played a major role in choosing a military life" or "found comfort in being told what to do." I would say trite things like "They were hurt protecting your freedoms!" and "Freedom isn't free!" and "Freedom! Hero! Freedom! Hero! Freedom hero!" Man, I could get so rich if I didn't care about reality and just told people stupid bullshit that they want to hear! See also: Unitarian Minister.

Anyway, John Stewart's rousing speech about making a choice to live makes Salaak pump his fist in the air and yell "Yes!" while everybody else stands around blinking incomprehensibly. I suppose the rousing prison escape speech would have been better with some kind of interpretation device. Arisia reassures everybody in her cell as well as they stand around wondering why she's making all those weird little noises.

Great. B'dg is the only person to do anything of value and then John shits all over his accomplishment. Did you learn that in the Marines as well?! Come to think of it, he probably did.

John's lucky the rings have any charge at all! Hell, John's lucky that the prison cells were somehow connected to the storage space where the Light Pirates lock up all of their dangerous contraband!

I'd rather the Lantern Rings not announce their charge at all. I'd rather they just ran out without any warning. Or just let them stay fucking charged and get rid of this plot contrivance where the greatest weapon in the universe is constantly proving to be the most overrated weapon of all time.

B'dg also managed to find the power grid which possibly makes the Light Pirates Prison the worst designed prison of all-time. I wish John Stewart would have an architectural flashback right now. Or maybe he could have had one earlier to help out B'dg! He could have been all, "I've designed a prison or two during my architect years! The secret to designing an efficient prison was to connect all the cells to all the weapon storage areas and to all of the security rooms and to all of the power grids. We can use that to our advantage!"

Anyway, B'dg set off a time bomb that destroyed the power grid so that everybody could escape and begin a prison riot. Nobody thanks B'dg or sucks his dick even though they'd all be dead before the end of the issue without his help. Hopefully that'll come later. For now, the Loser Army needs to fight for their lives with only four rings each with just one-fifth of a charge! It's going to get tense as those percentages keep getting closer and closer to zero!

This is funny because Guy Gardner is talking about Salaak's penis. Get it? He is an alien so he might have a four pronged organ of generation!

B'dg saves Arisia's life and she's as ungrateful as John Stewart.

Nothing's ever enough to impress you assholes! Next time, I'd just let Arisia plummet to her death.

It turns out Salaak wasn't updating his online dating profile at all! He was looking at the schematics of the prison in much the same way an architect could have if he wasn't so busy remembering how he was a marine. Salaak has a plan to charge all of the rings they can find by using the prison as a power battery. But some rings have been destroyed, so I guess some of the Green Lanterns are going to have to wield the Lightsticks. Guy Gardner will probably make a Lightstick go in and out of a Lantern ring a few times while smirking lecherously.

The rest of the Lanterns have to hold off the guards while Salaak does his thing. 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 points out that she can come up with the exact odds of their survival because she doesn't have any personality. She's just a creature from a planet of math nerds. Then Jruk is killed because why not? He's a fairly new character that enough fans have embraced so that his death gives fake weight to the story. Then Kilowog looks up and says, "Heads up, Lanterns! The cavalry has arrived! What is that--" The very next panel, all of the Lanterns have rings and sticks and are back in their uniforms (or their new Lightstick Variant Uniforms). I guess John Stewart remembered how the Marines used to take a long time gearing up for battle and he thought, "Wouldn't it be better if everybody could change into their uniforms in the space between panels?!"

Once the Lanterns have the upper hand, Relic and Krona blast a hole in the side of the prison to try to steal all of the credit for the escape away from B'dg. Bastards!

Once they escape, Relic tells them that he thinks he's locked onto Mogo. They rush off to find their friend before Guy and John can have another stupid conversation about John lying to Relic. Just shut up, Guy! It doesn't matter! Stop taking stupid stands just to cause a rift in the group! Guy tries to start the conversation but John tells him to shut up. That's how that should have been settled earlier!

Meanwhile, Mogo is being attacked by Old Universe Power Batteries. And the issue ends without anybody giving the squirrel a nut.

Loser Army #5 Rating: No change. Overall, this wasn't a bad issue if you chose to read it without being a nitpicking bastard. I didn't make that choice. But it did feel as if some of the shit I usually complain about was absent. The charges of the rings constantly being the main focus of battle was left out. Guy's ridiculous stance that they not lie to Relic was curtailed. This issue didn't lose the military flashback meant to show the positive attributes John learned from being in the military but which usually just shines a light on what a dick move invading another country is. But I can't expect Cullen Bunn to care about a DC Comic book overnight, right? Hopefully he'll take my suggestion and let John Stewart be helped by memories of being an architect next issue.