Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Justice League of America #1

What kind of asshole buys every cover of a $5.99 comic book? I mean besides Bryan Hitch's mother.

Is there a reason we need a Justice League affiliated primarily with America? Did the Justice League need a license to keep operating in the United States? Or does the "America" include all of North and South America as opposed to just the United States which is all most Americans think of when they hear gun control. I mean yogurt. I mean America. My mind must be on something else right now! You might want to go read something that's going to make more sense but will probably discuss masturbation way less.

This issue begins with a DC Comics fan asking, "Why do I need another Justice League book with the same characters?" It's followed by DC Comics punching the fan in the stomach and then kicking them in the head after they've fallen to the ground (because they lost their breath after being punched in their big fat gut) and yelling, "Shut the fuck up, loser! You love me! You can't live without me! Now give me your fucking money!" Then DC Comics rips the wallet off the chain it's hooked to, rips out all the cash, throws the wallet on the ground, squats over it, sprays piss all over the fucking place, and then runs off laughing. It's a really aggressive start to a new series! I like it!

After that scene, we get fifteen pages of just Bryan Hitch's name printed over and over and over again. That should get the blood pumping in all the labias and penises of even the fans who were fairly disinterested in this title to begin with. After reading Bryan Hitch's name that many times in a row, their private parts will be practically frothing and/or quite moist and/or ready to explode, depending on certain factors that I'm unable to fully explain having never had a decent sexual education class in my life. Although at San Jose State University, a sexual education class was mandatory. The only thing I remember from that class is that on the last day, we watched a half hour porn of two old people fucking. I think it was supposed to be enlightening and heartening that people are fully sexual beings until the day they die but being that the room was mostly full of twenty year olds, it was received with dry heaves and lots of "Like, this is totally like gross and like disgusting, for sure! This is like not tubular like at all!" That's my best California accent.

Did you all I know I was a Valley Girl? Well, actually a boy but that wasn't the name of the movie. I just lived in the wrong valley! I grew up in Silicon Valley so I know all the super secret secrets of the technology biz. Like how they call it "biz" instead of "business." And how Atari cartridges weren't just plastic boxes with magic mysteries inside; they contained computer "chips" with programs etched into them by Druids. I should know because my mother worked at Signetics in the late seventies and early eighties. She was laid off when all of you assholes stopped buying Atari Video Game Consoles. Dicks. It's your fault I know what Food Stamps are!

The issue actually begins worse than I pretended it began. It shows Superman failing to save the world from a circle of lights and then floating off into space defeated. Oh no! Another threat that can defeat Superman and cause lots of destruction?! That's so fucking exciting that my dick just flew around the room! Thanks a lot, Bryan Hitch! The only way to catch it is to drop my pants and bend over. Fuck.

So after a few wasted pages of ultimate destruction and Superman failing to save anybody, we finally get to something I want to read about!

I'm glad I scanned this because my dick stopped by to check it out and I was able to grab it.

What I didn't scan was how everybody else in the office of the Daily Bugle were dressed as if work was not a cocktail party. But I guess if you're Lois Lane, life is your cocktail party (emphasis on the "cock"! And possibly the "tail" too!). And don't worry about Lois's right leg in the above scan. I'm pretty sure Bryan Hitch was using the Deformed Leg Filter.

I do have a reason to scan the entire page now so you can check out the non-cocktail garb on everybody but Lois!

Presumably she's at her old desk now waiting for Clark to get in. How the fuck does the sun get in your eyes all the time at a desk in the middle of the building? If only the writer and the artist had better communication!

Meanwhile at The Maw (that's the prison in Metropolis where super villains constantly break out), a super villain is breaking out.

Superman flies to New York to attend that important event put on by The Infinity Corporation. Oh, they must be the geniuses of all geniuses because their name is Infinity. They may as well have called themselves the Big Brained Smarty-Pantses That Are Way Smarter Than Everybody Else and We Know Who Superman Is Too Corporation. You see, the "dress appropriately" bit was a clue because beneath the main part of the invite was Superman's shield reproduced in lead foil. You know, so that he would see it when he used his Magic Vision to check for anthrax. Is it common knowledge that Superman can't see through lead? Or is that just Infinity Corporation knowledge because they're so fucking smart?

This story takes place on Earth-Hitch.

This scene is evidence that really good comic book writers should head back to DC to write comic books again! Look at how Editorial didn't force Bryan Hitch to rewrite his entire concept just because it takes place in a world where nobody knows Superman's secret identity! During the first year or two of The New 52, this would have been thrown back in Hitch's face and he would have been ordered to do a rewrite of months of work and he would have refused and walked off the project and DC would have brought in Scott Lobdell to completely ruin the story. But now DC just shrugs their shoulders and turns over while putting the ball gag in their mouth.

What Superman discovers is that the Infinity Corporation's name is a little too on the nose and not about being arrogant at all. That Superman at the beginning? Not the one from Earth-Hitch. He's just one of many pulled in through some Multiversal Superman Collector built by the Infinity Corporation.

The alternate name for Infinity Corporation was Dead Superman Storage but it was deemed even more too on the nose than Infinity Corporation.

Superman is acting a little bit more aggressive than I'd like in my Superman but since he never explodes into punches and violence, it's fine with me. He's being threatening because he's not being told the whole truth. But when he sees the pile of Superman corpses, he still doesn't fly into a tornado of kicks and punches which is a good sign. I like a Superman with patience! When you're invulnerable to nearly everything, you can afford to hear what other people have to say before knocking them unconscious. Although another Superman is about to arrive at Earth-Hitch and this one is alive! So Superman might have to punch himself since most Supermen have no patience at all.

Helpful hint for anybody ever finding themselves in this situation in the future: stay away from pronouns when delivering desperate, last words. Unless, of course, you're trying to sow confusion and chaos.

After Vincent smashes his lab because he failed to keep an alternate version of Superman alive for the 61st time in a row, he introduces himself to Superman as the man who is trying to save Superman's life. But should Clark trust him?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Meanwhile at the New Metropolis Clean Energy Power Plant (that's the power plant that super villains totally want to destroy for kicks), a super villain is setting a plan in motion to destroy it for kicks.

Aquaman is currently busy quelling the fears of the United Nations by not quelling the fears of the United Nations. They're all, "How do we know you won't destroy us landlubbers if you won't sign this horrible treaty that doesn't benefit you at all and gives us all the power?" And Aquaman is all, "Fuck your treaties, you manipulative bastards! Y'all are too used to thinking everybody wants to give up all of their power seeing as how they sign fucked up contracts with cable television providers and cell phone companies." And the United Nations is all, "But we're scared of you! Let us dominate and subjugate you so that we can sleep soundly!" And Aquaman is all, "Not my problem, biznitches! Aquaman out!"

On Earth-Hitch, Aquaman is still on good terms with Atlantis.

Back to Superman and Vincent, Vincent is a genius so of course he's rude and doesn't have time to actually explain anything to Superman. That's really convenient...for the writer! What Vincent does manage to say is no surprise to anybody reading comic books: the whole future is about to end. Fuck you, Bryan Hitch. Fuck you right in your pretty mouth! You know the day comic books began to bore me? The day writers reached the point where they couldn't produce any kind of tension in a story unless the fate of everything was on the line. Comic Book Writers escalated themselves right into Boresville. First the Fate of Lois Lane. Then the Fate of the Daily Planet. Then the Fate of Metropolis. Then the Fate of America. Then the Fate of the World. Then the Fate of the Universe. Then the Fate of the Multiverse. Then the Fate of All Time. Then the Fate of Every Fucking Thing Ever To Exist Ever. And that's where things have been for about ten to fifteen years now. Everything is always at stake. No wonder people like Batman. At least he generally just sticks to keeping Gotham safe. But even his world escalated to the end of the line around Knightfall.

Vincent isn't a genius. He's either a schizophrenic or a character written by somebody with a fairly normal intelligence.

You know who else makes grand statements that they completely believe and expect everybody else to believe as well? Every single looney guest on Coast to Coast AM. So if this genius has just told us that time is not a linear creek but it's a stormy ocean full of fish feces, I suppose that's what it is! And how does that matter at all? Oh yeah! It doesn't because now is all that matters. But if now is all that matters, then can Superman fuck Vincent in the face because it will soon be the past and then Superman can stop feeling guilty about it because the past doesn't matter? And if the past isn't fixed, how come I don't keep not existing and existing and overexisting every second?! If the past isn't fixed, then I never killed that hobo, did I?

Vincent the Genius's plan is for Superman to not die. Easy peasy! But Superman is all, "I don't know if I can do that!" And Vincent is all, "But John Stuart Mill?!" No, no. Actually he mentions Star Trek.

This seems like a confusing example because Spock gave his life for the needs of the many.

Superman is all, "Bah! You're as bad as Madame Xanadu! I won't be tricked into keeping myself alive just because you need your car washed and a pizza delivered!" And Vincent is all, "Wha?!" And Superman is all, "I'll never listen to Madame Xanadu again! End of the world, my ass, if her car isn't freshly waxed and smelling of fresh pepperoni."

Over on Earth-Hitch, Hal Jordan isn't some renegade with a funky ass glove. He's still sporting the power ring and the pilot's haircut. He's arrived to make sure the Clean Energy Power Plant goes online without a...hee hee...hitch! Wonder Woman and The Flash are there and The Flash declares the place is clean. I think that's because he's pretending to run around searching for anything weird because Batman easily spots the Station Wagon sized casket with the blinking green and red lights on the side. I think The Flash was the person Superman was saying not to trust! Careless idiot.

Wait a second! How is this a Clean Energy Power Plant when Green Lantern's invitation to the "major incident" at the plant says "Nuclear Power Facility"? Are we allowed to call Nuclear Power "clean" simply because it doesn't produce air pollutants?! What about all the fucking atomic waste that nobody fucking knows how to dispose of?! I thought this was some kind of comic book solar power factory or some design of Lex Luthor's to turn envy into steam! I hate everything!

The creature in the casket is a guy who's gotten a little bit too much exposure in The New 52: Parasite! He sucks off Hal Jordan until Hal Jordan loses consciousness and then realizes he has to battle Batman. And Batman has nothing The Parasite wants.

Oh Batman. Please do less research and spend more time practicing your one-liners. Also, nice to see you aren't dead on Earth-Hitch!

I'm just having a good time with the Earth-Hitch stuff. I actually like when comics can tell their own stories without being wrapped up in every minor detail of every other current story, like everybody knowing Superman's identity and Atlantis hating Aquaman and Batman being dead and Green Lantern not being a Green Lantern! Such minor quibbles! What I like about it is that it's only bothersome to readers during the months the stories are new. It seems weird to continuity hounds reading this with all that other shit going down. But by next year, people will just remember this story and remember the other story and they'll fit within the timeline in their minds however they need to fit. Obviously this takes place before all that of those other stunts DC is pulling to try to lure in new readers!

Flash and Batman get knocked out because The Flash is dumb and arrogant and doesn't listen to Batman. That leaves Wonder Woman to almost get eaten by The Parasite who has grown to immense proportions. All that's left to save them is Superman but is it worth risking the end of all time and space?! Well, duh! Of course it is! That's his girlfriend!

After Superman leaves, Vincent and his assistant talk about how they didn't tell Superman everything and they can't yet trust him and it's all too risky and nothing we've never heard before in scenes exactly like this one across all the comics always.

Aquaman meets up with a missionary visiting Atlantis bringing the word of the One True God. He was trying to find Olympus so he could tell the Olympians that they weren't real but he missed the left turn at Albuquerque and wound up under the Atlantic Ocean.

The fight at the Energy Plant isn't going so well. Also, in case the invitations weren't a clue, it's revealed that The Infinity Corporation set it up. I guess it's an important part of the plan to save the future (which doesn't matter because it's fluid and not now which is the important thing. No wait! Now is the important thing! I mean the "now" of you reading this not the "now" of me typing this because that's long in the past which doesn't matter or hasn't happened or something).

Jesus Christ. Is the Justice League Book of One-liners literally just one line long?!

The Flash, in order to escape from Parasite, runs around the Earth really fast twelve times but then can't stop because fuck you. So he needs Superman to catch him so he speaks while running faster than the speed of sound which means Superman has no possibility of hearing him before he runs through the power plant again. Of course, being a comic book (and also fuck you), Superman does hear him. But he's unable to stop him because fuck you and comic books. Instead, Barry Allen runs into Hal whose ring is opening a wormhole to Oa (which doesn't exist anymore because fuck you and comic books) and they're both knocked into the wormhole where they disappear in a comic book fuck you. Wonder Woman has disappeared because she was hearing voices so it's up to Superman, Batman, and Cyborg to stop Parasite.

The plan is to hook Parasite up to the power plant and light the entire country drawing power from the Parasite. Now all they have to do is feed him puppies and kittens and America will have free power! If you don't mind the murder of thousands of puppies and kittens. Which I think most people don't mind because hardly anybody donates to developing only no-kill shelters. Vile miscreants! At least now the puppies and kittens will be giving their lives for the greater good. Like Spock!

After Parasite is drained of his power, Batman kicks his teeth out for good measure. Then Superman, being The World's Greatest Detective's Best Friend, realizes that everything is connected because of the invitations. Not worrying about where Diana, Barry, or Hal wound up, Clark asks Victor to BOOOM Tube them to New York so they can confront the Infinity Corporation. The only problem is the Corporation is gone. But an alien ship arrives to greet them! What a coincidence! And the alien ship looks like a crucifix so that must be Double Plus Good, right?!

Christ. Another god with a savior complex.

Justice League of America #1 Rating: It isn't as great as it wants you to think it is. It's a little bit V by way of The New Testament with a detour through a Rube Goldberg device. Why did they have to fight the Parasite? Probably because the plan was to get Hal and Barry and Diana and Arthur out of the picture when Superman first meets Rao. Or the Infinity Corporation are trying to defeat Rao and they needed the Parasite Plot for yet explained reasons. I don't know. What I do know is that I probably would have liked it better without the Infinity Corporation telling Superman that they've seen the end of everything and it all needs to be saved. I would rather have had some mystery people not yet explained setting up the Parasite battle which eventually would be overshadowed by the appearance of Rao. That probably leaves the readers with more questions but at least it drops the fucking plot crutch where some person who knows the future tells the characters about how the future must be stopped which sets them in motion. At least stopping the Parasite is an end unto itself. And then Rao appearing as a savior is just another thing that the heroes need to deal with. Now they can be approached by a mysterious group who would be all, "Dudebro! Rao is bad for everything!" And Superman would be all, "Nuh uh!" And the Infinity Corporation would be, "Yeah hunh!" And Batman would be all, "--tt--." I just think the series is trying to be way bigger than it needs to be. It's like Jazz Hands set to five million RPMs when it really just needed a few good shakes ending with a knee slide.

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