Gotham Academy #7

Oh great. This is going to be trouble.

I'm not totally jealous of Damian Wayne right now at all and I'm not crying or nothing either. Maps is probably just excited to have another potential player in her "Serpents and Spells" campaign world she's created. Or maybe she's excited to have the child of billionaire Bruce Wayne join the Pizza Club because somebody has to be able to afford the pizza. Unless she's just super excited to have a boy her age finally going to Gotham Academy.

I guess the art duties are being taken over by Mingjue Helen Chen who did the art in the Gotham Academy Sneak Peek. I'm disappointed because I really loved Karl Kerschl's work on this comic book but I'm not that disappointed because I think Mingjue's style fits well with this book.

This issue is called "Curse of the Inishtree Quill" because it's basically just become a Trixie Belden book, or Encyclopedia Brown, or the Baby-Sitters Club. I think. Was that last one about solving mysteries or fending off the unwanted attentions of straying husbands?

Maps is currently ignoring her teacher reading "The Raven" because she's creating new party members for her "Serpents and Spells" game. She's adding some classmate named Eric Jorgensen because she hasn't met Damian Wayne yet. Her character sheet looks something like this:

When the teacher, Mr. Scarlet, asks Maps about the madness and despair of the speaker in any poem by Poe, Eric stands up and screams, "Raven!" He's about to attack the teacher when Damian tackles him and saves the day. I don't know what he saved the day from but it was definitely a day saving move. Having learned a little something from living with Batman for the last few years, he lectures everybody on his way out. Maps kicks Eric off the team and decides Damian is the guy the Pizza Club needs. Wasn't that covered on the Cover?

Olive is gone for a few days so this is just a Maps story. I don't hear anybody complaining, right?

Later while Maps is spying on Damian, she writes in her notebook, "Ultimate Power Team: Maps Mizoguchi + Damian Wayne." As soon as she does this, she and Damian are compelled to hold hands and not let go. You see, her quill has been infused with the magic of Mr. Scarlet smashing Poe's The Raven down upon it. Perfectly reasonable explanation. But now Damian and Maps need help getting their hands unstuck. Well, Damian does but I think Maps probably doesn't mind all the touching and finger caresses.

Pomeline knows more about magic and making up reasons for Damian and Maps to hold hands than I do. Mind control feather quill! Of course! Duh!

This could all be fixed except the stupid raven stole the quill because he was all, "This isn't my feather but I'm taking it back! I'm taking them all back! Nevermore!"

Do you think ravens are completely confused why every human in the world looks at them and says, "Nevermore! Nevermore!" I bet they love going to trailer parks where nobody knows the poem and they just shoot at the ravens instead. It's just a nice change of pace.

Yes, I just equated poverty with ignorance and violence! You would too if you'd spent as many weekends as I have at a Karaoke Bar in Lincoln, Nebraska, just down the road from a trailer park!

Pomeline screams, "The quill!", and shoves Damian out of the window. Maps follows being that they're stuck in the pre-kissing handholding phase. Damian manages to grab the window ledge because he's Robin and thus has plot immunity. At least I think Robins that have been killed once already and returned from the dead have plot immunity!

Maps is going to rock that grapple slut's world on their wedding night.

Maps and Damian swing across the courtyard and crash through a window, landing at Kyle Mizoguchi's feet. Kyle, just like everybody else, attacks them but Damian uses Maps as a weapon and knocks out Kyle. Typical guy! He's got a terrific girl at hand (who probably isn't interested in him at all except for his terrific fighting abilities) and he uses her as a mace. In retribution, Maps uses Damian as a Kleenex (tm!).

How is Damian going to explain the Grapple Gun later? I suppose it's easy enough to believe that the son of the owner of WayneTech can throw a big enough tantrum to earn himself a Grapple Gun.

This story is more believable than Endgame and I get the feeling it's going to wind up being the daydream!

Okay, it isn't really more believable than Endgame. I wish you nerds didn't force me to feel like I needed to clarify that. Fucking nerds! Why can't dumb people appreciate my site?

Maps and Damian decide maybe Professor MacPherson can help them out since her dog barked at a bird which totally probably wouldn't have happened under anything except magical circumstances.

That sounds plausible. But it's also possible that this is a masturbation fantasy because Maps really needs this kind of convoluted, mystical fantasy mystery to get off.

Professor MacPherson takes the kids out to the cemetery where they find the Pizza Club doing weirdo zombie things. Damian and Maps tie them up and then they see the raven with the quill in its mouth. Damian pulls out a Batarang to knock its block off and Maps gets that much closer to coming.

The raven drops the feather which is when Mister Scarlet appears and warns them all not to touch the Inishtree Quill because it carries Avian Demon Flu. That's why all the other kids were acting so crazy. Mister Scarlet takes them to the infirmary right after he points out that Damian and Maps can release their grip on each other. Which they do because this must be the denouement part of the masturbation fantasy which means Maps, you know, is, um, done.

Well, I guess Damian doesn't really have time for school anyway, what with a dead father to bury and a pet gargoyle to take care of and helping Alfred open jars.

Before leaving the school, Damian gives Maps a Batarang. I have a feeling that, from here on out, whenever we see future stories where Damian has taken over the role of Batman, Maps should be his Robin. But I don't think we have to worry about Maps figuring out Damian is Robin and Bruce is Batman because she's no Lex Luthor.

After Damian leaves, Maps falls asleep with her hand still stuffed in her underwear.

Gotham Academy #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. This is actually the kind of thing I've been wanting from DC Comics! Fun stories which you can let be and ignore their unintended consequences on the rest of the DC Universe. Although I'm sure it bugs the shit out of a lot of readers that Damian would be so careless with his (and thus his father's!) secret identity. And so what if Maps, not being a complete moron, figures it all out? She'll tell Olive and Olive will say, "You're nuts." She'll tell Pomeline and Pomeline will say, "Stop spazzing off, retard." She'll tell Kyle and Kyle will say, "That's nice, sis." She'll tell...well, that's probably all she'll tell before deciding it's her little secret which she'll someday parlay into becoming Robin.