Convergence: Infinity Inc. #2

This chessboard has too many squares.

Why hadn't I noticed before? Convegence is just one big game of Heroclix.

If this battle mattered at all, I'd root for Jonah Hex. But since it doesn't matter and the comic book will simply end with an earthquake and everybody standing around awkwardly like it's Thanksgiving at my family's house and my mother just screamed from the kitchen that dad was an impotent asshole. The end?

I'm going to read this comic book but I really don't care about it. I'd rather be playing video games or thinking about writing things that I'll never actually get around to writing.

This issue begins like so many others that I'm going to repeat myself like so many other reviews. The team heads into the fight pondering the ethics of fighting a battle in which innocent lives will be wiped out no matter who wins. It's just different characters with different costumes having the discussion. But if you're a fan of these particular costumes on these particular people, you probably don't mind that these words have pretty much been said by every other character in DC Comics' history over the last two months. Go Infinity Inc! Be bland and repetitive!

The fight begins. Yay.

Redbeard? Enh, close enough.

The battle takes place in that way that comic book battles with too many characters on either side takes place. A few panels of each character getting the better of another character done in such a way that the reader can't really tell if anybody at any point has any kind of an advantage. Luckily the earthquake hits and everybody stops fighting for no reason other than this story needs to have an unsatisfying conclusion at some point.

Because comic book characters are well known for never giving up until that point where they just kind of shrug their shoulders and agree with their opponents that they're all willing to die together.

As Infinity Inc. leaves Hex's Atlanta on good terms with Hex and his minions, Atlanta is replaced by a huge mushroom cloud as all of the nuclear power plants that were damaged in the earthquake explode. Brainwave Jr. is all, "We have to go back and help! It was saving their lives that brought us all together!" But Doctor Fate appears and says, "Those people no longer matter to the plot. Let them die now. I have exciting news for you! You can drop the stupid Infinity name because you're now all members of the Justice Society of America!"

No it doesn't it.

All the members of Infinity Inc. are ecstatic about becoming the Justice Society of America for some reason. None of the original JSA members will still be on the team. It's just going to be Infinity Inc. with a name change. Why fucking bother? Thanks for throwing them a bone, old men! Instead of having all of the members of Infinity Inc. celebrate the offer to let them join, Obsidian should have yelled, "Hey Justice Society! You can take your Justice and your Society and shove 'em straight up your ass!" And then he should have thrown an open beer can at them.

Convegence: Infinity Inc. #2 Rating: Four Post-Apocalyptic Mongrels out of Ten. Every issue I read gets worse than the previous one because they're all so fucking alike. Convergence, you were a boring turd.

Divergence: Batgirl
"Batgirl is always on the front lines of the fight against the dark side of Gotham's tech scene -- but the mind of Barbara Gordon is superior to any software!"

Okay. Thanks, incomprehensible tagline.

Batgirl battles computer nerds and wins handily with Frankie's support via Bluetooth. It's a totally modern comic book because it's all about video games, see? Totally not like every comic book story that put a hero inside a real live video game. This plot is totally new and modern and hip and groovy and hasn't been recycled over the last thirty years. The most unrealistic part of the story is that Batgirl needs a cheat code to win and that she didn't have to go to YouTube to figure out the code. Although she does have that Eye-Tic-Tac Memory of hers so maybe she knew the code was based on the speech the CEO of the company gave which Batgirl saw out of the corner of her eye on Frankie's laptop while Barbara did laundry.

I know I liked the new Batgirl before Convergence but I think it's over now! I can't wait to make fun of it for trying too hard and not knowing that it's so over that can't even.